Recovery and my relationship
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2015
Location: san diego, ca
Posts: 43
Recovery and my relationship
Hello. Simon, alcoholic. I have almost eight months sober and I am in a relationship of almost five years with a man who is an actively drinking alcoholic. He has admitted that he is an alcoholic but wants nothing to do with recovery. For a brief period he showed interest in stopping, got hooked up with a doctor, was prescribed Librium, but drank through that therapy. He is supportive of me with his words but not his actions. He refuses to believe that he is powerless over anything or that a force could be greater than he is.
He is a tough drunk to be around. Very sloppy and gets overwhelmingly sad and emotional when intoxicated. Requires a lot of care taking. He gets drunk on a daily basis. Our finances have suffered tremendously because of his drinking. Our lives are very intertwined. We have a house together and many possessions, animals, accounts... I just know that the path to recovery is the path I want to continue to take and I'm scared that staying with him may not be a part of that future.
Any thoughts?
He is a tough drunk to be around. Very sloppy and gets overwhelmingly sad and emotional when intoxicated. Requires a lot of care taking. He gets drunk on a daily basis. Our finances have suffered tremendously because of his drinking. Our lives are very intertwined. We have a house together and many possessions, animals, accounts... I just know that the path to recovery is the path I want to continue to take and I'm scared that staying with him may not be a part of that future.
Any thoughts?
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
Hi griffy, congratulations on your commitment to sobriety and achieving it under difficult circumstances.
It can be hard when a partner continues to drink when you stop. Apart from temptation, you can't mask cracks in the relationship with alcohol so your tolerance level changes. You may also have an expectation that because you've stopped, he should too, yet he has every right to drink and make his own mind up.
Try to approach this without judgement. You've changed over time, your partner hasn't, and has no prospect of changing in the foreseeable future. Where does that leave the relationship going forward? Say in 5 years' time? Is that something you can live with?
My suggestion for now is to take some small steps. Try to isolate your finances as much as is practical once the bills are paid. Your partner should be paying for his drinking from his own wages, and has no right to jeopardise your future. Be strict about looking out for your interests in this area of your life, as it's something you can control. Getting some preliminary legal advice is also a good early step, so you know what you're dealing with as far as joint property goes.
Read up on co-dependency, and try to stop picking up the pieces for him when he drinks. If he passes out on the couch, leave him there. Don't call in sick for him. You can tailor this advice to the circumstances you live in, but the general rule is don't do anything for him that he can do for himself, but hasn't because of the drinking.
Wishing you all the best.
It can be hard when a partner continues to drink when you stop. Apart from temptation, you can't mask cracks in the relationship with alcohol so your tolerance level changes. You may also have an expectation that because you've stopped, he should too, yet he has every right to drink and make his own mind up.
Try to approach this without judgement. You've changed over time, your partner hasn't, and has no prospect of changing in the foreseeable future. Where does that leave the relationship going forward? Say in 5 years' time? Is that something you can live with?
My suggestion for now is to take some small steps. Try to isolate your finances as much as is practical once the bills are paid. Your partner should be paying for his drinking from his own wages, and has no right to jeopardise your future. Be strict about looking out for your interests in this area of your life, as it's something you can control. Getting some preliminary legal advice is also a good early step, so you know what you're dealing with as far as joint property goes.
Read up on co-dependency, and try to stop picking up the pieces for him when he drinks. If he passes out on the couch, leave him there. Don't call in sick for him. You can tailor this advice to the circumstances you live in, but the general rule is don't do anything for him that he can do for himself, but hasn't because of the drinking.
Wishing you all the best.
Keeping it simple!
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Surrey, BC
Posts: 3,282
Congrats on 8 months!
I believe that sometimes we have to make some tough choices in regards to our recovery.
One motto I adopted was that no person, place, event or situation would ever be more important than my sobriety. Hard sometimes, but it made me take a good look if a person or if something was interfering in my recovery. If so, I needed to let it go.
I know I have enough baggage that I need to deal with on my own that I really don't need to worry about the baggage of someone else. At the end of the day you need to decide what is best for YOU.
I believe that sometimes we have to make some tough choices in regards to our recovery.
One motto I adopted was that no person, place, event or situation would ever be more important than my sobriety. Hard sometimes, but it made me take a good look if a person or if something was interfering in my recovery. If so, I needed to let it go.
I know I have enough baggage that I need to deal with on my own that I really don't need to worry about the baggage of someone else. At the end of the day you need to decide what is best for YOU.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: C.C. Ma.
Posts: 3,697
Originally Posted by LadyinBC 
Congrats on 8 months!
I believe that sometimes we have to make some tough choices in regards to our recovery.
One motto I adopted was that no person, place, event or situation would ever be more important than my sobriety. Hard sometimes, but it made me take a good look if a person or if something was interfering in my recovery. If so, I needed to let it go.
I know I have enough baggage that I need to deal with on my own that I really don't need to worry about the baggage of someone else. At the end of the day you need to decide what is best for YOU.
I believe that sometimes we have to make some tough choices in regards to our recovery.
One motto I adopted was that no person, place, event or situation would ever be more important than my sobriety. Hard sometimes, but it made me take a good look if a person or if something was interfering in my recovery. If so, I needed to let it go.
I know I have enough baggage that I need to deal with on my own that I really don't need to worry about the baggage of someone else. At the end of the day you need to decide what is best for YOU.
Hi.
I believe the above is so important. We need to go to any length to stay sober and in recovery.
BE WELL
Member
Join Date: Jan 2014
Location: Deep in the heart of Texas
Posts: 1,736
First & foremost, congrats on your sobriety - especially w/a partner who still drinks. That is huge!
The link below may help. It was tremendous help to me as I struggled with my then-husband who was a sex addict but not in recovery. It's powerful, profound & bittersweet. Putting yourself & your sobriety as the top priority is a must - no matter the entanglements.
The pain of leaving his addiction was greater than not for my ex-husband. The pain of staying was too much for me. So I finally crossed the bridge mentioned in the link below. My COSA group had a saying that we can still find serenity whether the addict is acting out or not. I personally couldn't until I made the break. I'm not saying that's what you should do. Im just saying at some point it comes down to a very difficult decision. And if your partner isn't ready, there's not much else to do.
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...uary-12-a.html
The link below may help. It was tremendous help to me as I struggled with my then-husband who was a sex addict but not in recovery. It's powerful, profound & bittersweet. Putting yourself & your sobriety as the top priority is a must - no matter the entanglements.
The pain of leaving his addiction was greater than not for my ex-husband. The pain of staying was too much for me. So I finally crossed the bridge mentioned in the link below. My COSA group had a saying that we can still find serenity whether the addict is acting out or not. I personally couldn't until I made the break. I'm not saying that's what you should do. Im just saying at some point it comes down to a very difficult decision. And if your partner isn't ready, there's not much else to do.
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...uary-12-a.html
Member
Join Date: Jan 2014
Posts: 8,637
way to go on 8 months!!
If I were in your situation, as painful as it would be - I would leave my relationship.
I am so grateful to be with a woman who seldom drinks and when she does only has one drink. My sobriety would be at much greater risk if I didn't have a partner who sees life as something to be lived with clarity and presence. If I were partnered up with someone in active alcoholism my own life would be negatively impacted and my emotions and soul would strain for them.... it wouldn't be healthy.
It would be hard and it would mean sacrifice - but I would leave the relationship, cut the ties, and let that person go. Perhaps if they got the wakeup call from that and began a sober life, we'd get back together one day and would be the stronger for it.
But I would not be willing to undermine my life, my joy, my happiness or my contribution to the world by remaining in a sick relationship. And make no mistake - any relationship with an addict is a sick relationship.
I feel for you, this must be terribly hard.
If I were in your situation, as painful as it would be - I would leave my relationship.
I am so grateful to be with a woman who seldom drinks and when she does only has one drink. My sobriety would be at much greater risk if I didn't have a partner who sees life as something to be lived with clarity and presence. If I were partnered up with someone in active alcoholism my own life would be negatively impacted and my emotions and soul would strain for them.... it wouldn't be healthy.
It would be hard and it would mean sacrifice - but I would leave the relationship, cut the ties, and let that person go. Perhaps if they got the wakeup call from that and began a sober life, we'd get back together one day and would be the stronger for it.
But I would not be willing to undermine my life, my joy, my happiness or my contribution to the world by remaining in a sick relationship. And make no mistake - any relationship with an addict is a sick relationship.
I feel for you, this must be terribly hard.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2014
Posts: 585
Hello Griffy. Congrats on 8 months...incredible.
I was on the other side of the situation as my wife does not drink, never has. I was the one destroying the finances and causing daily life to be a living hell. I used to "straighten up" just long enough to get her off my back. When things seemed to get better I would go back to the same old same old. it basically came down to an ultimatum by my wife. Naturally I responded in anger and more drinking. But something clicked and I realized that I was either going to love the liquid or love my wife and I finally made the choice to stop drinking. I have had many slips over the past couple years but I am doing it for the right reasons instead of throwing a Band-Aid on the issues. I write this to let you know that there is hope. But the main important issue is that you take of YOU first.
I was on the other side of the situation as my wife does not drink, never has. I was the one destroying the finances and causing daily life to be a living hell. I used to "straighten up" just long enough to get her off my back. When things seemed to get better I would go back to the same old same old. it basically came down to an ultimatum by my wife. Naturally I responded in anger and more drinking. But something clicked and I realized that I was either going to love the liquid or love my wife and I finally made the choice to stop drinking. I have had many slips over the past couple years but I am doing it for the right reasons instead of throwing a Band-Aid on the issues. I write this to let you know that there is hope. But the main important issue is that you take of YOU first.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2015
Location: san diego, ca
Posts: 43
My God, thank you all so much for your supportive words. sobriety, the program, and the fellowship have changed my path entirely and I'm always in awe that you guys are here to hold me up when i can't stand on my own. We had an argument this morning and he said feels like we are fundamentally going in different directions. It's a weird mix of sad and relief. I don't know what the next move is, I had to leave for work. I'm trying to be diplomatic and loving but he referred to me as "the cards [he] was dealt."
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2015
Location: san diego, ca
Posts: 43
I'm still here in the same situation, 15 months sober now. Nothing has changed with the relationship and of course I continue to believe that his behavior will change as circumstances do (he graduated college, got a job as a nurse, lost his job as a nurse...) but everything remains fundamentally the same. I'm going to attend an Al Anon meeting this week in addition to continuing to apply the principles I've learned in AA. Thank you all again for your support.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Good for you, Simon. I know a lot of "double winners"--I qualified for Al-Anon way before I did for AA, and the principles I learned in Al-Anon have served me well in my sobriety, too.
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