Struggling to "join in"
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2014
Location: Philadelphia, USA
Posts: 245
Struggling to "join in"
I've been meaning to check out AA for months and months but haven't found the courage or will or whatever to go on my own. I was out of town a few weeks back and ended up going to my first meeting with one of the older adults I was visiting (one of my partner's parents). It was a really good bonding experience for us and I liked the meeting. Everyone was welcoming and it was helpful to listen to other alcoholics share their experiences face-to-face.
Since being back I've been wanting to go again but haven't done it, and not for lack of resources - there are literally 100's of meetings a day in this area and I have lots to time to go. Something else is keeping me from going. I think I fear committing to/being rejected by others. (Even if they're a group that's known to be welcoming). I'll join in with others but only to a point, and then it's like I hit a wall. I know I crave community, belonging, and group support but I always hold back. (Even here on SR, I know it's here for me and I read a lot, but I don't post much, even when I have things I want to say.) I think that deep down I'm afraid I don't fit in anywhere, and don't want to put myself in situations that would confirm this feeling. And my social anxiety doesn't help, either. I can't help but feel that I'm getting in my own way.
I'm sure I'm not the only one to feel this way, especially as us addicts are known to isolate. If you're struggled with this were you able to find ways to get involved and be with others? How did you do it?
Many thanks as always to all of you here.
Since being back I've been wanting to go again but haven't done it, and not for lack of resources - there are literally 100's of meetings a day in this area and I have lots to time to go. Something else is keeping me from going. I think I fear committing to/being rejected by others. (Even if they're a group that's known to be welcoming). I'll join in with others but only to a point, and then it's like I hit a wall. I know I crave community, belonging, and group support but I always hold back. (Even here on SR, I know it's here for me and I read a lot, but I don't post much, even when I have things I want to say.) I think that deep down I'm afraid I don't fit in anywhere, and don't want to put myself in situations that would confirm this feeling. And my social anxiety doesn't help, either. I can't help but feel that I'm getting in my own way.
I'm sure I'm not the only one to feel this way, especially as us addicts are known to isolate. If you're struggled with this were you able to find ways to get involved and be with others? How did you do it?
Many thanks as always to all of you here.
You're not shackled to not drinking, you're free from drinking
Join Date: Oct 2015
Location: MN
Posts: 1,406
Hey doublefelix, I get where you're coming from. What I've learned, but still sometimes struggle to put in to practice, is that worrying about getting out is much worse than doing it. Once you get started it's not nearly as bad as you thought.
Do your best
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 67,047
I felt like this DF have you tried guided meditation ?
I'm currently in therapy doing CBT youl always fit in at SR bud & if you have something to say the worst thing you can do is bottle it up getting it off your chest & on the page really helps
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ful-links.html
I'm currently in therapy doing CBT youl always fit in at SR bud & if you have something to say the worst thing you can do is bottle it up getting it off your chest & on the page really helps
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ful-links.html
Member
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 25,373
Your feelings are really common in the rooms of AA. The good thing about AA is there really aren't any rules, and they've seen it all. You can talk to people or you can duck out. You can speak up in meetings or not.
Try thinking of it as moving toward a better, more connected way of living instead of worrying about your comfort zone.
Your thoughts and feelings are valid, if you share that at a meeting, you will find a solution. Take it at your pace. No pressure.
Try thinking of it as moving toward a better, more connected way of living instead of worrying about your comfort zone.
Your thoughts and feelings are valid, if you share that at a meeting, you will find a solution. Take it at your pace. No pressure.
Canine Welfare Advocate
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: Norfolk, VA
Posts: 10,962
Originally Posted by DoubleFelix 
I can't help but feel that I'm getting in my own way.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: northern michigan. not the U.P.
Posts: 15,281
i got me some courage.
LOVE AND FEAR AS OPPOSITES
All these failings generate fear, a soul-sickness in its own right.
TWELVE STEPS AND TWELVE TRADITIONS, p. 49
"Fear knocked at the door; faith answered; no one was there." I don't know to whom this quote should be attributed, but it certainly indicates clearly that fear is an illusion. I create the illusion myself.
I experienced fear early in my life and I mistakenly thought that the mere presence of it made me a coward. I didn't know that one of the definitions of "courage" is "the willingness to do the right thing in spite of fear." Courage, then, is not necessarily the absence of fear.
LOVE AND FEAR AS OPPOSITES
All these failings generate fear, a soul-sickness in its own right.
TWELVE STEPS AND TWELVE TRADITIONS, p. 49
"Fear knocked at the door; faith answered; no one was there." I don't know to whom this quote should be attributed, but it certainly indicates clearly that fear is an illusion. I create the illusion myself.
I experienced fear early in my life and I mistakenly thought that the mere presence of it made me a coward. I didn't know that one of the definitions of "courage" is "the willingness to do the right thing in spite of fear." Courage, then, is not necessarily the absence of fear.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Sonoran Desert & Southeast Asia
Posts: 6,561
I agree with what biminiblue said. It's not uncommon that many drinkers do so to ease social anxiety. I'm the same way. Im friendly, and enjoy people, but I feel uncomfortable getting too close, so I pull back or keep new acquaintances at a distance. I do attend meetings sometimes, but rarely stay to chat afterwards. I am definitely not a group person.. and that's okay.
One on one, I've met some genuinely nice people at meetings, as I also have in venues related to my hobbies and educational pursuits. It's really just a process of putting yourself out there at the level that you feel comfortable, and being open to conversation. The more you do it the easier it gets.
One on one, I've met some genuinely nice people at meetings, as I also have in venues related to my hobbies and educational pursuits. It's really just a process of putting yourself out there at the level that you feel comfortable, and being open to conversation. The more you do it the easier it gets.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Posts: 5,439
I was unbelievably nervous the first meeting I went to... and the second... and the third.
I've had to consciously work to expand my comfort zone when it comes to social anxiety and doing so is anything but comfortable. But it is very rewarding to break through these barriers.
The worst part for me is definitely the fear. The actual situations don't present anything that I can't manage and in fact often turn out to be positive and enjoyable.
Sometimes I just have to MAKE myself do stuff like go to the first meeting. I was so nervous about it, I could barely make myself walk through the door.
For me, it got a little easier each time I went and I now feel comfortable at the meetings I attend. It's a small group and while I kind of thought that was a bad thing at first, it's kind of nice. I know the small handful of other people that go and am almost kind of friends with one of them now. Not the sort of friends that get together and do stuff outside of AA, but the type that talk after every meeting.
Now, going to meetings often turns into a bright spot in my week. There are few other places where I can get the social contact since I work at home & the stuff to do in the town where I live is limited. And maybe just because I am kind of an introvert and still get anxiety talking to people sometimes. But AA has become kind of a safe place. The support is nice and having the recovery connections is really good for me.
I hope you can work through your fears about it and just give it a shot.
I've had to consciously work to expand my comfort zone when it comes to social anxiety and doing so is anything but comfortable. But it is very rewarding to break through these barriers.
The worst part for me is definitely the fear. The actual situations don't present anything that I can't manage and in fact often turn out to be positive and enjoyable.
Sometimes I just have to MAKE myself do stuff like go to the first meeting. I was so nervous about it, I could barely make myself walk through the door.
For me, it got a little easier each time I went and I now feel comfortable at the meetings I attend. It's a small group and while I kind of thought that was a bad thing at first, it's kind of nice. I know the small handful of other people that go and am almost kind of friends with one of them now. Not the sort of friends that get together and do stuff outside of AA, but the type that talk after every meeting.
Now, going to meetings often turns into a bright spot in my week. There are few other places where I can get the social contact since I work at home & the stuff to do in the town where I live is limited. And maybe just because I am kind of an introvert and still get anxiety talking to people sometimes. But AA has become kind of a safe place. The support is nice and having the recovery connections is really good for me.
I hope you can work through your fears about it and just give it a shot.
Trudgin
Join Date: Jul 2014
Posts: 6,348
Many of us experience(d) feeling uncomfortable in our own skin. I learned from friends in the rooms the most "confident" of members typically have some feelings of not fitting in or inadequacies. Classic alcoholic traits = feeling less than.
I remember those early summer days when as a kid I really wanted to swim, but dang that water was cold! Recall what we had to do?? Yep, jump in - our bodies (hearts and minds too ) get use to it quickly and we enjoy it.
When I engage the 3rd step of the program and make it part of my daily sober work, many of those feelings dissipate. Slowly I begin to feel different - others smile at me - I start to see the light in my eye reflected in their smiles. Growth and change begin to happen.......I have started the momentum of recovery.
Jump in friend, drop the rock.......the water's fine - take a swim with us!!
I remember those early summer days when as a kid I really wanted to swim, but dang that water was cold! Recall what we had to do?? Yep, jump in - our bodies (hearts and minds too ) get use to it quickly and we enjoy it.
When I engage the 3rd step of the program and make it part of my daily sober work, many of those feelings dissipate. Slowly I begin to feel different - others smile at me - I start to see the light in my eye reflected in their smiles. Growth and change begin to happen.......I have started the momentum of recovery.
Jump in friend, drop the rock.......the water's fine - take a swim with us!!
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,476
I'm glad you posted, Felix.
I am huge Marianne Williams fan and my favorite quote of hers is:
Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, 'Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous?' Actually, who are you not to be?
I am huge Marianne Williams fan and my favorite quote of hers is:
Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, 'Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous?' Actually, who are you not to be?
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