Here I go.....

Old 11-06-2015, 01:00 AM
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Here I go.....

Hello, I am making my first post after just registering for SR. I am in my forties, been divorced from a good man for years (whom I have 2 children with). I am in love with/engaged to an alcoholic. We have been together since my marriage ended. It was actually my relationship with this man that ruined my marriage (although there were other issues that were big as well). The man I'm engaged to is older than I and retired. We met through work and had a strong connection. This started as a good friendship and grew into an emotional affair. I never had a sexual relationship with him until after my divorce was well under way, but I was definitely involved with him. Our relationship started with much turmoil. His divorce and mine were on-going simultaneously due to our relationship. However, he was not ever faithful to his ex-wife. I found later he would not be faithful to me either. I knew his character/reputation before we were friends and while we were just friends. For years, I never allowed myself to get "close" to him, not even as a friend. But somehow after years, it happened. Our friendship grew fast and feelings grew fast and furious. He was the bad boy and I was drawn to him. Once close to him, I just gave up on my unhappy marriage feeling sure that I could live a much happier life. Looking back, WOW was I a fool! I tell you this history to give insight to the character of my boyfriend and to how we began. He is an alcoholic and I let myself deny this and not see it at first. He is also a cheater (at least was) and a habitual liar (tied to drinking). It took him years to break free from his ex-wife who I truly believe is insane (harassed both of years for years with unbelievable circumstances). However we have been living free of her for some time and this has been wonderful. In fact he has been different (much better) since he finally came to a place of getting free of her. However, I do understand that much of the tie to her was due to his unwillingness to break the bond.

Oh my, so much drama for 6 years. I sound like a Lifetime Movie! I don't understand how I let myself get in this relationship. I do love him, but I also have a hate for him. Saying that sounds horrible, but he's done so much it is just there. He is a good person underneath his issues. He loves me deeply and has made huge sacrifices for me/us.

We have lived together for a couple years, but have constantly battled his drinking for all of it. He had a DUI before we were close, and 2 since. However 1 completely disappeared. I've been down the road of every possible resolution to staying with him knowing he's an alcoholic, but he never sticks to anything he says that is tied to stopping or controlling drinking. What he says are simply empty words, and he will admit this. He does well for short periods, then starts what I call "sneak drinking" then eventually he will show up drunk. I no longer will tolerate drunk, even though I know he drinks some almost daily. There are days I can smell it on him when I come home, but he rarely acts affected by the least not in a drunk state.

This was not the case a couple days ago. He came home drunk, and drank 6 more beers when home and got worse. I tolerated it that night, but then blew up in the morning. That's how it always goes. I tolerate it for a period, then blow up. The stress of him drinking and who I become from it is just too much! It was just 2 weeks ago that he promised to "stop drinking" although we both agreed that was not a promise he could make. Instead, I said that if he needed/wanted/chose to be in that state, then he would have to be honest about it and stay away (he still has his own place). He agreed to this, but didn't stick to it. I shouldn't have been surprised...he never sticks to his promises about drinking. It was just another situation to appease for him at the time.

I came home at lunch time that morning I blew up and he threw in the towel completely. He was already drinking and well affected by it at 11 a.m. (which I could tell from his texts). From there it spiraled into our usual argument and I told him as I have many times, that if he was drunk then he needed to be away from me that night, especially since I had my children.

When I got home I discovered he packed much of his things, and was gone. He told me earlier he was "going golfing" which was the norm. I didn't think he would actually be gone (or at least partially moved out) when I got home. I of course was hurt, angry, and sad. But I was also relieved. I called him right away when I noticed so much of his things gone. But he chose to not answer or reply to my texts for hours later. He has walked out on me years ago (more than once) because I've held things over him (drinking, cheating, lies). However he always wanted to come back and I actually wanted him back. At least I would for the time.

I admit I could be happy with another man. I know there are men out there with far better character and morals. I know it would take time, but I could find a loving, caring, relationship again. I also know I do not want to be alone. I do love the man I'm with, but despise him too (I know I already said this). I tried with all my might to not reach out to him again. He eventually answered through texting later that night. I replied. He of course was calling me "perfect" as he always does insinuating that things are my fault. My responses were in a mode of we are over....he walked out on me again at his choice instead of coming home sober. This was a choice he was given and he chose liquor over me and us. It wasn't that he was going to his place to drink, he literally removed things from the house indicating he started moving out. I wasn't going to do that again.,,,have him run out on me. I wanted it over...DONE. The hurt, the loss, the sorrow sank in deeper and deeper. The next morning I texted him (I know I didn't want to but I did) and the conversation was ok...about a purchase we made online. Later in the afternoon I texted him to see if he was ok. He said no, that he wanted to get himself together and come home. He asked if I would take him back. I told him I loved him and had wanted a life with him, but I did not say I would take him back. I told him to get himself healthy and we needed to talk in person, not text. I knew he was drinking (can always tell even in texts). He of course didn't answer some tough questions, and I didn't hear from him all night. I did check his phone records, and he texted his grown son. I was hurt he refused to address me. but could text his son.

This is where I am at. I'm in a place of suspecting he will gather himself together, and want to come home soon (probably not today, tomorrow, or the next day....but maybe the next). It will of course depend on if I reach out to him any more or if I stay strong and not give in. He will continue a drunk fest for a couple more days I suspect. He is so rude and can actually be cruel and so insensitive when drunk, and that helps me not reach out to him. When sober, he is so sweet, kind, and caring. Two completely different people. I also have my children through Sunday, so that of course plays a roll...him knowing they are my focus and I am not able to do anything else with friends. He knows that he cannot show up here drunk with my kids around. He won't show up though. He's never been one to come to me. I always in the past had to go to him...check on him... let him know I still love him/care.... give him encouragement to get on track. I don't want to be this person anymore. I'm not the one with a drinking problem, and I wish I could separate him from me. I wish I wouldn't feel the emptiness (much worse at times), the pain, the rejection, the disgust, the worry, and sorrow. I wish I had the strength to not get sucked in. He is addicted to alcohol. I am addicted to him.

When I have my boys it's much easier. They are my world, but I share custody with my ex. When I have them, they are my focus. When I don't have them with me, I miss them so much.

I am not sure what to do. I don't know if I will cave in or if I can be strong. about my boyfriend. I actually thought this was possibly the end and I liked that thought while I also hated it.

I do know sharing my story gives me a sense of relief....just to vent! I want off this roller coaster, but I can't get it to stop. How do I get it to stop?????
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Old 11-06-2015, 01:10 AM
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Welcome SMD
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Old 11-06-2015, 02:28 AM
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Hi and welcome somuchdenial

I'm just going to cut to the quick - it sounds like you might appreciate that

It sounds to me like you deserve much more than being the other woman in someone else's love affair with the bottle.

you'll find a lot of support here, and in our Family and Friends forums as well. I'm glad you found us

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Old 11-06-2015, 09:13 AM
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Originally Posted by SoMuchDenial View Post
He is addicted to alcohol. I am addicted to him.
Such recognition could be the first step in getting better. There is recovery from your addiction.
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Old 11-06-2015, 09:19 AM
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I'm glad you posted.
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Old 11-06-2015, 09:25 AM
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Originally Posted by SoMuchDenial View Post

I admit I could be happy with another man. I know there are men out there with far better character and morals. I know it would take time, but I could find a loving, caring, relationship again. I also know I do not want to be alone.
So much of your story is familiar to me. Painfully so.

I want to posit another option beyond this (unhealthy) relationship and the next potential relationship -- take some time and build a healthy relationship with yourself. I know you do not want to be alone, and I was the same way -- but as it happened, when I found myself addicted to being in relationships, being alone was the only thing that was going to help me move past my issues and stop having the same toxic relationship over and over again.

When you trust you, you won't get involved with unhealthy people anymore.

When you respect you, you won't settle for people who mistreat you and cheat on you.

When you love you, you won't be afraid to be alone anymore.
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Old 11-06-2015, 11:43 AM
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Welcome to the Forum SoMuchDenial!!
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Old 11-06-2015, 12:34 PM
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Welcome to SR, SoMuchDenial.

I am very sorry for what brings you here.
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Old 11-06-2015, 12:48 PM
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Your post was very compelling. I too am divorced and share custody of my kids with my ex. It sounds like your children are the most important things in your life. Same here. May I ask, what do you sense are their feelings about your current mate? Is it a positive environment for them, especially when he is drinking? Are they happier and more secure when he is in the home?

For me, when I had difficulty making choices that were in my own best interest, I have at least been able to step back and try to focus on what is in their best interest.

Maybe that will give you a little guidance.

Welcome to the SR family. I am glad you are here with us.
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