learntofly

For those of you with significant others, how do you guys deal with the shame and guilt of your alcoholism in your relationship? My boyfriend and I have been together for six years and he has seen me at my best and at my worst.

I have told him countless times that this is it. I'm done drinking. I would try to abstain or drink in moderation, but then I'd start hiding bottles. I'd have times now and again where I'd drink entirely too much and end up throwing up, making a fool out of myself, or most recently, he had to drive me to the emergency room because I got blackout drunk, fell, and cut my head open. (Which was 13 days ago. I have 12 days today!)

So this time, I told him that I really was done. I want to have kids, and this is not the person I want to be for myself, for him, and for our future kids . But he doesn't believe me, because I've said the same thing so many times in the past. He says that alcohol is like an abusive relationship that I continue to go back to, even though I keep getting hurt. (True.) He says that I always say I'll quit, but then I start up again and try to sweep it under the rug or make it seem like it's not a big deal. (Also true.)

He's fully supportive of me getting sober, but I just feel so guilty and ashamed of what I have put him through. He's my best friend and I love him to pieces. I told him that I can no longer prove myself through words but I will show him through my actions that I can be sober. I don't know what I'll do if I fail again. =(

JD

You can't change the past so try to put the shame and quilt behind you. It happened. The only thing you can do is stay sober. It'll take time before people believe that you really can maintain that. And as much as like to be able to control whether people believe you'll stay sober or not you can't. Only time will convince them. So stay strong and do this for your future.

nowme

I can say that exact thing learntofly.
My husband of 12 years had to take me to the ER, bail me out of jail, send me $ while I was in jail and now he is taking me to my classes so I can get my license back. He has been there with me through the absolute worse part of my life. It brings tears to my eyes just writing this, he is a loyal best friend that will never give up on me.
How do I deal with the shame and guilt? Right now I'm working through it with meditation, yoga and posting on SR.
I have been struggling with addiction for as long as we have been together. I have been clean off and on since 2013. I have gone 6 months and returned to the alcohol. Right now I have 14 days, and he is right there with me cheering me on!!
Don't live in the past. What can you do today to show him you want to change?
Just try not to dwell in the past because it will not help.
Congratulations on 12 days, that is a great start! Keep it up!!

sva777

My wife has seen all the bad things I have been capable of doing while drunk, all kinds of embarrassing stuff. She has stood by me and all we can do now it move forward. Sometimes an instance comes up and we just kind of laugh it off as being stupid and remember that was the old me.

I am not embarrassed anymore because now I am sober and she finds the new stronger version of me much more attractive.

Anna

This is one of the most important lessons of recovery. I remember so desperately wanting my husband to believe me and to understand. But why would he believe me when I'd spent the past few years lying to everyone. Patience, it takes patience and time and you simply have to show him you are changing. Congratulations on 12 days sober.

Nowsthetime

Hello:

My situation was really similar to yours. You are not alone! The only thing you can do is be patient and show him. Be honest with him about your feelings of recovery and use him for support. Make a plan and make up your mind that this is it. It took about 9-12 months for my hubby to start taking me seriously when I said I quit. You have to show him because he has heard it so many times that there is nothing you can say to convince him that you are serious "this time".

Be patient and work on your sobriety. It pays off.

MIRecovery

For it was not about what I said it was about what I did/do. I saw a MD, enrolled in IOP, went to AA 6 days a week, got a sponsor, worked the steps, reconnected with my religion, practiced honesty, helped others, increased my spirituality, educated myself on addiction, became less self centered, developed different friends, engaged in different activities

Recovery and healing are about what we DO not what we say.

PurpleKnight

Let your actions do the talking, after months of Sobriety and as already mentioned patience he'll start to see this is a long term change for the better, not another one of your start stop moments, this time it's different.

He's heard all the words before, now let some long term actions now do the talking!!

Kallistia

All you can do is put one foot in front of the other and move forward - you can't unmake things the way they were - but you can create a different future and eventually your actions will prove your words.

I'm very happy to hear that he is supportive instead of running for the hills, that's a good one you've got there

You can do this

entropy1964

Sounds like you've answered your own questions. The only way to gain the trust of our loved ones is through our actions. Alcoholics lie, I know I do. It sucks. I like to say 'that's not me', but it is. I have to own it, look it square in the eye, and stop. You ultimately are the only one you have to answer to. You've tried doing it for him and that hasn't worked. Do it for you. You sound like you're young. It will get worse and you will probably lose him. You don't need to wait until he leaves you. And frankly, you're lucky he hasn't already. You absolutely do not have to live like this anymore. And the guilt and shame (btw you're not a bad person, you've just done some bad things...big difference) will ease as you do the next right thing, each day. Self esteem comes from doing esteemable acts. Good luck

loulou1981

Similar to my situation but i have 2 young kiddies. Please don't beat urself up, u haven't lied about wanting to get sober, when u've made those numerous promises u have meant every word, the booze just pulls us back in.
I'm in the same situation & i have to show my commitment to sobriety as my words literally dont mean s**t!!!!
Stay focused & come here for support, throw all the booze out & avoid any situations where u may feel vulnerable, u can do it!!!!

teatreeoil007

You are right that you have to prove yourself through actions....and you can do it!

Proving yourself via actions does take time...it's not instant, so be patient with yourself.

thomas11

HI learntofly, fellow minnesotan here. I can relate to your situation, although it wasn't alcohol and it wasn't my spouse, but I was generally a shi**y person to family and friends for years. This may not be what you want to hear but I believe it is true. We work very hard, and for a long time to dissolve the trust we once had in our loved ones. And regaining that trust does not come overnight. It also requires action. For me, it did not take weeks or months to regain that trust....it took years. And I had to toe the line the entire time to prove I had become a different person. I won't lie, it was hard, and it was depressing to think about the things I had done, but regaining trust is like building skyscraper. It starts with the first brick, and each day you add another brick. And that strong foundation will keep you steady and strong for the long haul. I wish you the best.

ccam1973

Lots of good advice here Learntofly. Bottom line is you cant control what happened yesterday. .. but you can mold your tomorrow by how you act today. String enough of good days together and people begin to believe in you again.

Time will heal, but you've got to be strong and make a commitment to yourself.

Lean on us as much as you need to help you through your tough times.