trachemys

Yay Aiko!

SoberLeigh

Hi, Aiko. Great to see you.

Acknowledgment and acceptance were so important for me; when I finally, once and for all, never to go back, acknowledged that I was an alcoholic and that I could never drink alcohol in any amount whatsoever, sobriety started to fall into place for me.

You've come to a good place on your mind, Aiko!!!!

SoberLeigh

How 's it going, Aiko.

Missing you around here.

SoberLeigh

Hope that you check-in soon, Aiko.

Dee74

me too Aiko

D

Aiko

Am unhappy and tired of trying to improve my life so I do not feel the need to get stoned.

I am fortunate, I have many people that loves me, I got a roof over my head,... but I have a high stress job that is destroying my little sanity left.

But I just think I want to switch off,
I have been for a wile keeping away from drugs, pills and I do not drink. I avoid my old friends.

But I started to abuse of pills again.
I got a treatment and I know if I take many I got dizzy so I started doing it.
And if I could I got overtake it and not wake up.
But my family needs me.

But I am tired and starting abusing medication so I get numb.
I have benzodiazepinas and I know I can not touch them.
but I do not get rid of them.
I got my GP to put me a box and I go and I collect it.
And sometimes I think if I stuff a bunch...
I should not have in me.

I am half gone know is taking me over.
started going dizzy.
I am never going to change.
I been fighting for about 3-4 years know and I wish I could be stoned all day long...
I even dream of drugs...

So not doing too well.
Am just upset and I am taking off this weekend and I am thinking to abuse of the pills so I do not feel alive. And is my third night in a wrow abusing so I am dizzy......................

I have been working non-stop for 7 months and that worn me off.
I wish I did not exist. and people fight to live is unfair.

Sorry;
I know people do not like me to talk of consumption on the web.
But I wanted to get it out of my chest, I am starting to abuse of the meds to get stoned.... and that worries me as I start small and I go up.

I just want to be hug...
and I ?==(=)/(//&$&(% love to feel my body numb.
my brain numb.


On monday I got my shrink appointment again...
I argue, I say what I do,... and they want me to change my job as is finishing me off. My nervous system is so bad,
I had to stop drinking cafe and Coca-cola as it increases my stress level, and I had a massive anxiety attack a couple of weeks ago.
I could not breath properly for over 30 min... crying hysteric.


Sorry I writing cos was so lonely!!!

SoberLeigh

I am so happy that you posted, Aiko.

I am so very sad and sorry that you are still struggling.

Aiko, why not take a leave of absence and go into treatment - a long-term rehab facility; your job does not seem to be good for you.

Please, beautiful Aiko, take this step. Turn your life around and really start living the long and fulfilling life that I know - just know without a doubt - you were meant to live.

Dee74

I agree with Leigh - you're been trying to juggle all these balls for a long time now, Aiko?

D

Aiko

I tried to straighten my life for 3-4 years now.
and I live thanks to the meds or my head tells me to auto destroy.
so I take happy pills to be ok...
and strong pills not to loose control and get drugged...
but the the strong pills makes my dizzy so my head learned it... and I started abusing these as well.

I have no-one to control my meds... I live on my own...
And I can not get rid of the benzodiazepinas....
I got my GP to put them on my card... I have not B90'?=)?)?)?=
to say do not give me.
and I have them in a draw next to me for weeks...
and when I go to the quemist they ask me do you want these too???
But I got a box already and I know I can not touch them...

I just saw on TV people smoking pot and I nearly got the car to get some.
but I know I can have brain damage mixing meds with anything...

I do not know Why I keep on doing it................................................ ...........
Why can I be normal??????
I am convinced I got the genes of my DAD
He lost his head with alcohol and is imposible now...
I can not let my family know I am an addict... Never!

Am just upset I do not change

trachemys

Aiko, it's so good to hear from you. I am sorry your are struggling.

Maybe you should quit the job and take care of yourself.

People care about you and want you to be happy. No one wants you to be numb or dizzy.

(((((((((((((((AIKO!))))))))))))))))))

Dee74

That will be inevitable tho, if you keep running around out of control Aiko.
Soon, everybody knows.

I'm not trying to scare you, I'm being honest.

D

SoberLeigh

I have the genes from my parents, too, Aiko. Those genes don't have to define you or your future, though. I really believe that detox and rehab will show you that you can overcome your family history.

I truly thought that I was hopeless but I was WRONG, very wrong.

Notimetoloose

Aiko, you sound so tired and burnt out.. I am so sorry you are feeling so awful.

Aiko, it is important in our recovery we learn new and better ways of nurturing and caring for ourselves; ways that will have a positive long-term effect that appreciates in our life.

Our brain chemistry takes a time to heal after years of manipulating it.
The long term rehab could give you the opportunity to take the time and focus on you...get healthy, stronger and support.

Aiko

my head just says just a couple more... and stop by monday...
always the same... and the wheel starts...

tomorrow I am going to ask help to my toy boy...
I might convince him to keep my meds and give me just the amount per week...
cos my head started to want to overdo it.. and that leads to scale...

So tonight I am blowing it.... and tomorrow will try to straighten it AGAINNN
always the same cycle.... I am stupid... Sorry!

Notimetoloose

Aiko, please don't blow it. Change your mindset, try something different...pour a big Epsom's salt bath, go for a swim, eat a huge piece of chocolate cake., exercise, dance..... distract yourself and start setting new responses to cravings and stress...
What do you say?

Aiko

I got up at 3 today zombie and has¡d to go to eat at my mums, 2 hours late...

and am abusing of benzo....

a friend is coming now, she knows.........
I have to get rid of the benzo..
and am going to leave the grey ones at the painting workshop, so I take just 7 every week, and I find difficult to overdo them....
but I have to get rid of the benzo.
but I am taking more now...like an Imbecil.

I ask her to collect me as I can not drive...
thank you for listening to a idiot.

Tomorrow I will be fresh, but I ?=)?=)=)? like feeing numb.
I can feel mi heart, my veins... muscles are so relaxedddddd and I love it...
But it destrois my brain!

So I have to trough them away, yet again
I knew I could not have them in the draw, how stupid I can be...
so am going to take my last batch and then stop....

my friend is coming now... I have to hurry up!

I am going to straighten I have to!

Thank you for being there, mean it.
XO

Aiko

God she is hereeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

Bye

Delilah1

Hi Aiko,

I am so sorry you are struggling do much. You can hear the pain in your posts, and how much you want to stop. It sounds like it is going to be hard for you to stop without help. Can you look into taking a leave from work and checking into an inpatient facility to help you?

wpainterw

Aiko: Thanks for posting again. We all love you, care about you. And as you see many of us think that it's now time for you to enter a rehab for an extended period to turn this whole thing around. Your posts indicate that it's pills, pills, pills. In your mind, in drawers, in your working place, some kind of open prescription at the drug store which allows you to get pills in unlimited quantities. A sure recipe for disaster. If you get pills your supply should be carefully monitored and controlled. I had an open prescription back in 1958 and became addicted to that for a long time. The doctor should never have authorized that.
You are suffering. You can do something about that. Please enter a rehab for at least a month or more. Don't be a slave to pills. Be yourself. Be happy.
Every good wish.

W.

Aiko

I care about you too.

But rehab is not an option for me.
I can not disappear, I got responsibilities, my blosñslkdñajs work, my family does not know,...

About two years ago I went to a detox clinic, and I still have relapses.
But this time I reacted quickly.
And now my AV is stronger so I will have to fight it!

I wish I could go in rehab and they could control my meds.
I really do!!!

But I have to learn to live in the real world without having to get stoned.
Last night I was just too tired of fighting... and I gave in.
I have to go to my GP and ask them to take benzo off my meds card.
But I never have the guts to do it!
Is like a back up for my AV!
Today in the quemist they asked me do you want the benzo...???
NOOOOOOOO

I can not run away I have to learn that I can not touch a thing.
As soon as I feel a bit of buzz my head goes mad and does not stop until I get knock down.

Is like alcohol not even a sip and I want the bottle, and then day and night!
And then every chance I get to drink anything literally.

I am getting better in controlling, is just sometimes I trip over and that could leave to a full binge.
I have to build a life that will fill me and will not have the need to get drugged.
We all know how hard it is.........................

I will be again for a wile hearing my head on and on do it.
But when the waves comes I will have to find a way to control it.

I really wish I could go to and Island without drugs and alcohol around me,
but that is not real life.
I live in Marbella and I am surrounded, even in the super car park and I can smell marihuana... at dinner tonight all were drinking but me!!!

I have to learn to live clean, no matter what is around me,
is not point to hide and then come out.
I wish I could go to rehab just to rest!!!

And every time I get time of work I have a relapse,
I am scared to be on my own...

I will be ok promise!!!
I just trip over I am weak at times!
But I am working on living clean seriously!

Thank you for being there
You all give me strength to continue!

Lots of Love and Care,
Aiko
XO