Too proud
 

I find it funny that apparently I'm not too proud to let my life fall into shambles, ruin my reputation ( small town) , and risk losing everything , but I've been too proud to ask for ANY help, and have stared at blank message posts instead of writing anything or reaching out in anyway for help. Been reading the postings on here for sometime but couldn't bring myself to contribute. Too proud, and yet I've never had a lower opinion of myself as I do right now. I feel like I have eroded my self esteem to a nub by my constant self neglect . Drinking and using drugs has TOTALLY ruined anything I've worked for up to now.. I want to be a positive person who respects himself, and who others can respect . I'm approaching my 30th and the last decade is a smouldering crater ... I took my last drink at 7 am Sunday morning after an intense binge , it's a miracle nothing happened with the quantity of booze and drugs I apparently consumed of which I have absolutly no recollection ...
I don't want this to be what ends up defining me as a person
We all deserve a bit of peace and self respect no?
.... As we approach midweek I'm just praying that I'll start to feel a bit more human soon and that this binge ritual is disrupted .
Love the positivity on here, seriously I don't know how anyone could make any kind of progress without something like this

It is weird, but I bet it resonates with a lot of us - it did with me.

It's good you're self aware - and it's great you've reached out here and in a few other threads...keep it up :)

make some changes, get some help - the more effort you make in doing that the better the chances are that you'll have seen your last binge, ever.

This is a great link about making a recovery plan
https://store.samhsa.gov/shin/conten...0/SMA-3720.pdf

D

i heard early on in recovery that an alcoholic is an egomaniac with low self esteem.
or an egomaniac with an inferiority complex.
both fit me perfectly.
so many years i wouldnt reach out for help, mainly because i was in denial.
plus pride and ego got in the way.
even when i did talk about things going on i didnt want to hear solutions. i wanted people to join in my misery. misery really does love company.
with a lot of alcohol for the pity party.

then i got sick and tired of being sick and tired. the pain of reality finally exceeded the pain of getting drunk and i was given the gift of desperation. i wanted to kill myself.
thats when i got some courage and humility and reached out for help.
it was more than just reaching out,though. i wanted to change who i was. i didnt want to hate myself any more. didnt want to keep desteoying everything i came across.
and i was willing to do whatever was necessary.
took quite a bit of footwork, which was all worth it, but i no longer hate me, no more self pity, no more hating my life, no more gloom,dispair, and agony.
my attitude and outlook on life has changed. i can look at myself and the world in the eye.
and i have drank in a little while.
yup, we deserve peace and self respect. we deserve to have serenity. we deserve to have self love.
but its not handed to us. it has to be worked for. and that work is worth it.
i hope the binge ritual hasnt been disrupted for ya.
i hope an end has been put to it.

I appreciate the thoughts, all very true . It's been helpful to read these things from other people. Again, thanks

You can do this Supertired!!

There's decades of sobriety, wisdom and experience here on SR that says that you can make it, any of us can write a new happier chapter to our lives!! :)

Ahhh pride...most everyone has it to one degree or another...and even those who claim they are 'humble' probably struggle with pride too!

Pride is a cheater. Pride can be deceptive.

You are so not alone and it's awesome you are aware of the issue. Many folks go through their entire LIVElong journey and never really deal with their pride.

Keep coming around and keep asking for help...many here know how to help and start a restoration of sorts if HOPE was once vibrant in a life and somehow became distant and/or cold....well for some folks they come to a place where hope is LOST...how to get it back? It's very possible....many have done so and are inspirations to others!

You can do it!

blessed be...

Hey supertired I totally get what you're saying. Pride ( or Self-Reliance, as I called it) got me into a lot of trouble. The best thing AND the hardest thing I ever did for myself was to ask for help. I'm glad to hear you're reaching out. Continue doing so. It gets easier and the rewards are tremendous.

Supertired keep on keeping on if some days you feel weak stay strong & lean on us whenever you need

Welcome to SR supertired. I think you will find what you need here.

I was a binge drinker too it will steal your soul. The 3:00 am drinks and countdown till the stores could sell alcohol are too fresh in my mind.. Reach out this place has been a lifesaver for me.

Yes supertired, I had that pride too. Or maybe defiance? As pathetic as my life was, I could fix it myself and didn't need to reach out. I was not like the others who had a drinking problem....nope, not me!

Glad you're here and keep on reaching out. SR has been life saver for me and you'll find much respect and even peace here.

Welcome!

Good for you, supertired, you're a smart (nearly) 30 year old - I wish I had been! Congratulations on your very wise decision and welcome to SR - this is a great site, you will get so much out of it :-)

Thanks all, Another day of dusting off. Been spending my time reading this site and doing the bare minimum in terms of life/school/work commitments these last few days until I can feel a bit more in control . Been trying to process what happened this past weekend, without spinning into the overwhelming shame/self loathing anxiety cycle ... I can't wait for some relief . The old fashion way. With chemicals my brain used to know how to make haha :
Thanks again

Welcome, glad you're here!

Most of us dislike change. Typically, as change relates to alcohol we only change our behavior when the consequences of our drinking become to much. The shame, fear and regret take over and destroy our lives. Then we repeat the behavior to mask the symptoms = insidious insanity.

17 months back I made a decision to become willing, honest and open minded about seeking help. Like my friend TomSteve - I too became sick and tired of being sick and tired. SR has been a huge life line of learning and support for me as well as an outside recovery program.

Alcohol had become my solution to life's problems. I had to find other solutions - I had to accept who I was, my circumstances and the solution others laid out for me........many simply accept the first two and never really get to the third one, unfortunately. That was me for a very long time. I accepted my problem, but as the storm passed from another binge - I would drink again.

Keep posting, find your way and regardless of what else you do today - don't drink! It's the only thing in recovery we need to do perfectly. If we do that, we can work on the rest soberly with a clear head.

Welcome.......

Welcome to SR! I think those are great changes you want to make with your life.