entropy1964

So I guess this is a rant. But I need to get this off my chest. It was an ah hah moment and while so totally obvious as to be stupid, it still knocked me off balance.

I was on my way to yoga. Thinking, thinking, as usual. I am currently 50, widowed and just got out of a 2 year relationship (a few months ago). I am, like many in my shoes, lonely. I have a couple of nights a week now where I'm completely alone, pretty much for 48 hours. I have no friends...just 'things' I do where others are involved. That is the extent of my human contact. I know I am no where near ready to date, and am actually thinking that I may never have a relationship again. But the reality of this really hit me today. I have a man asking me out. He's brilliant, successful, kind....not the greatest looking but very fit (and at 58 that's unusual, unfortunately). If nothing else it would be nice to just go out. But of course, he wants to take me to a fancy restaurant with a fancy bar and fancy martini's, awesome wine list whatever. At first I agreed to meet him Thursday. But anxiety started....so this AM I was honest with him and told him I simply wasn't ready to date and I didn't want to mislead him. He was very mature and said he wanted to stay in touch. Ok, done, I'm safe. But what hit me, hard, was no matter what, no matter when, no matter how long I'm sober, I will have to tell whoever my next victim is that I'm an alcoholic. Period. There is no way around this. None. And I have to tell them early on. Soooo, bottom line, most normal and rational people will hit the high road and fast. Some might stick around to see if they can get me in the sack but that will be it. I know this. And if any of you question how normies (whatever 'normal' actually is) view addicts just check out the friends and family forum. I'm a freak. I feel like one of the characters on Freak Show (which wasn't very good I might add....). Of course, what is normal? I know very few people that are divorced in my age group that don't have some kind of baggage. I guess its all in how one deals with the baggage....and many won't even acknowledge they have baggage...so there's that!

Anyway, that's the facts as I see them. Or hey, I could find another freak like me....but two freaks don't make a normie. So the options are grim. On the one hand, I have a good life. I really do. And I am a lone wolf so some solitude doesn't really kill me. And yes, my views on this could change.....but I doubt it. I'm not even sure I would date another alcoholic....how bad is that? So this just struck me, hard. Yes I'll be fine. Yes life can be good alone. It just isn't at all how I pictured things.
Sorry. Long self pitying rant. Wahhhhh. I want a piece of cry baby pie!

doggonecarl

I think if you just got out a relationship, one that's left you wondering "who" you are and what is "Normal," then maybe not dating for a while would be okay for you. When the time is right, you will probably know it.

SoberLeigh

I am not in the dating pool so I don't have any experience with what you are feeling.

The only thing that I can offer is that I have a friend who is a recovering alcoholic. She remarried about four years into her sobriety and I think that they dated for about two years before marrying.

I think that the longer people see you in recovery the more they think of you as a non-drinker.

Soberwolf

Your not a freak

loulou1981

Ur not a freak!!!!! If I was u id still meet this man, its just a date, people over analize dates, treat them as they r.....just 2 people meeting up & u may have a nice time.
In all honesty i wouldn't tell him ur an alcoholic until ur past the dating thing. If it doesnt work out after 5 dates, there's no point in telling him. Only tell him if ur going to have a relationship with him. Just say u dont like alcohol & don't drink, plenty of people have said that to me & ive not pressed further.

Ubca deffinately find love when ur ready, my mum is 54, my folks were married for 30 years & then my dad left my mum, it took her a few years but she is now with a lovely man & she is very happy, in fact the lucky buggers r in Jamaica on holiday right now!!!! Its never too late!!

MIRecovery

There is a very large difference between an alcoholic and some in recovery. I don't view myself as a freak I view myself as someone who doesn't drink because of past problems with alcohol. There are a ton of people who don't drink or drink very little. My wife is one of them. She has her glass of wine when we go out and that is it. Her drinking and my non-drinking causes almost zero problems

Gonnachange

Far be it for me to give anyone advice on dating, but just stating you don't drink without making a declaration of former problems should be sufficient. I know some people who just don't drink, not because they couldn't control, but because they just don't like to. If he gives some pushback then you already have some information informing you that this may not be the right person for you to continue dating.

Meraviglioso

I do not want to de-value your feelings and I am sorry you are feeling this way. It does suck to be lonely and to fear being alone forever. That said, I do not see why being sober makes you a freak or why "most normal people" would go running when they find out you don't drink alcohol.
A lot of people don't drink alcohol and are also in happy relationships. You are a LOT of things, many of them wonderful, being an alcoholic is only one thing you are. You have many things to offer to someone. One thing you cannot offer is the ability to be a drinking companion.
A few years ago my best friend called me up and told me- after many, many years alone- she had met a man. She really thought he was the one. A few dates later they decided to cook dinner together and eat at her home. They were in a great little boutique market and she immediately went over to the butcher to inspect the steaks. At that point he said to her "um, I guess now I should tell you that I don't eat meat" She was shocked! traumatized! heartbroken! which lasted all of about 10 seconds, at which point they went to inspect the fish. She accepted that he didn't eat meat. They talked about it, whether or not he was comfortable and could accept that she did eat meat and wanted to continue eating meat. They both accepted one another's dietary choices and they now live together. She respects his wishes to not have his food cooked in combination (on the same grill or in the same pan) with meat and he is ok with her having meat in the house, cooking it and consuming it around him. Some other vegetarians would ask for a meat free household. They found a balance that works for them and are happy.
Not drinking alcohol just means you make a certain beverage choice.
Now, being an alcoholic is more than simply not drinking alcohol. It does come with its own baggage and issues. Those do need to be addressed and it sounds like you are prepared to do so before getting into another relationship. You do YOU right now. Work on yourself. You'll know when you are ready to put yourself back out there, with the emotional stability and confidence in your beverage choices that you need to enter a healthy, stable relationship.
Chin up, you are amazing and the right man will love you for that.

sleepie

Normies can see it as an issue but just hold out for someone who won't make a big deal out of it, I mean we cannot possibly be the only alcoholics in the world right? Maybe you will meet someone who beats you to the punch and says "I am an alcoholic, I do not drink." Social situation s can be tricky, I just failed at one.

JD

Frickaflip, let me tell you a little about my story. There are two parts to it.

Ten years ago I was married. The marriage was not good and I was in a job I really didn't like and also suffering from depression. I also had been drinking heavily for many years. I needed to just get away from things so figured I'd check myself into a rehab. I went to a world famous rehab in the Midwest of the US. I successfully completed the rehab and remained sober for 9 months. However, shortly after I graduated from rehab my wife at that time wanted a divorce. The first part of the story is after a little less than 9 months I started to date again. I also wasn't ready to admit to being an alcoholic and after 9 months sober thought i could drink like a normal person. Well as anyone here can tell you that didn't work out so well.

I was a reasonable drunk and never got into real trouble but drank 4 to 6 beers (high ABV) every night and more on the weekends.

I continued to date and eventually meet a wonderful lady, the second part of the story. She suffered from her own addiction, not alcohol or drugs, so understood what I was going through. I found it easy to talk to her about rehab and my suffering and we understand and support each other. We've been married 6 years now.

So the morals of the story are get very comfortable of never drinking again or you will relapse and it is possible to find someone out there so don't give up hope.

Dee74

hey Frick

I look at it this way - the people with whom I share my life have to love me for who I am - just as I love them.

The A word may not be the romance killer you fear it will be

I think a lot of it has to do with how we feel about it too.

I can remember telling people I was an alcoholic in whispered tones and wet eyes like I had a STD or something...

these days, to those who need to know, it's just another part of the quilt of my life and I'll mention it honestly along with the millions of other things that make me me...

..for those who don't need to know, all they need to know is I don't drink and I'm very happy that way

D

Leshar

I too, am a widow and have tried dating without success. I do get your feelings of loneliness. I don't think you have to tell a new male friend or any new friends in your life that you are an alcoholic. There's nothing wrong, in my opinion, with merely saying that you don't drink. You are far from a freak and I wouldn't label a potential date as a "victim"! You are a courageous person who is making a great and healthy lifestyle change! You're awesome!

Ruby2

I understand the whole feeling lonely and scared. Just because you are an alcoholic, you are not a freak. You can either choose to continue drinking or you can choose not to drink. Choosing not to drink is by far the better option. So when you are ready to date someone you can honestly say "I don't drink" or "I don't care for alcohol." At some point along the way you can certainly explain why, but it really isn't anyone's business early in a dating relationship.

wehav2day

Flip, I can see how you would get that impression on friends and family. I read there a bit, and what I've found is their frustration is with ACTIVE alcoholism. That frustration is well deserved. People who love alcoholics (my wife included) tend to be very supportive of SOBER alkies.

I tell folks that I don't drink, I never say I'm an alcoholic outside of Sr and aa. There's no need. Folks don't question it. If you meet a nice guy and things progress and he gets curious, that's down the line. You can decide to handle that when it happens.

Enjoy your sober life.

Syn3rgistic

I probably don't have much more to offer than has already been offered. But I think loneliness is a common risk factor for drinking. No not all loners drink, but many that drink are loners. So I think the loneliness is an issue that you should work on going forward in sobriety. I read your post quickly, but it seemed to me that on one hand you admitted you are lonely and an another you are saying "well that's ok I'll just be alone." But I suspect deep down you are really not ok with that. That's OK. It's ok to admit that being lonely sucks. We are human, and very social creatures.

Another thing to look at is that socially, alcohol is often used as an icebreaker for dates. This is just the way society is, it's not your fault. If cocaine was the drug of choice for first dates. You wouldn't have a problem saying. "Oh you want to go to a fancy coke bar? ehh that sounds nice but I just don't do coke." If the date says "what you don't do coke?? what's wrong with you? Well if you don't do it... I don't know what to do with you.." Then you wouldn't feel like it was your fault that you didn't want to do it, you would think. Jeez this guy is pressuring me. Sobriety is all about learning how to do everything you did all over again, without drinking. This includes first dates. I will admit that I'm only on day 2. I'm a closet drinker and I have not yet learned how to NOT spend a night at home drinking and listening to music. However, I've had many many day 2's and 3's and 4's in the past, and one thing I learned was how to go out on a 1st date and not drink. I've been on many many first dates without a drink. (subsequently to relapse by myself later on in the week, but that is not the point.) Look, you don't want to be alone. Go out on the date with this guy. But an ounce of prevention is worth it's weight in gold. Inform the guy that you just don't drink. (It's not that uncommon for someone your age to have drank in their younger years and given it up). Certainly, it's more uncommon to be out there hitting the bars on saturday nights in your 50s. Remember 1/3 of people don't drink. The next 1/3 drink extremely sparingly (less than a drink per week) It's the other 3rd that are drinkers... so you are certainly not a freak, at least statistically when it comes to your drinking, but you might be a freak in other ways . Haha, hopefully this helped somewhat, and as someone that suffers from loneliness themselves... I say go out on the date, enjoy yourself, and make the preparations necessary to make 100% sure that you won't drink. If you can't do that, then stay home. There will be another opportunity down the road to learn how to date while remaining sober.

-Syn

entropy1964

Hi there doggone
Yes I agree I'm not ready to date. Thought I said that but maybe not . My lack of understanding of what is normal and not knowing who I am are probably at the root of my alcoholism....amongst other things....

My rant wasn't very coherent!

entropy1964

Thanks soberleigh. I'm actually not in the dating pool....don't want to be, even though it's lonely. I just get asked out.....ponder the thought, then run like he!!. Did your friend tell the man she was dating, later to marry, that she was an alcoholic? Not a non drinker, but an alcoholic. Just curious.

entropy1964

Hi Loulou
Thanks for the post. My rant wasn't very clear.....but I have no intention of going out with him. I'm not ready. I'm not concerned about drinking. I just don't feel it's honest to look a potential mate in the eye and say "I don't drink". I did that with the last boyfriend. Thought I was done. Was sober for two years. Now I know a lot went wrong that led to my relapse....I have learned a ton since the break up. And I don't feel i have to tell a person on the first date, but pretty darn close. It's just the way I feel at this time. Believe me, that's a 180 from where I was a few years ago. My party line was, I tell who I want what I want. And mostly I agree with that. But a partner? No, they need to know. I'm no garden variety drunk. My addiction is life threatening. To not share that, or at least that I'm an alcoholic, would be deceitful.....maybe my views will change over time.

entropy1964

I agree MIR......and I'm sorry if my rant seemed to imply that all alcoholics are freaks....not my intention. My rant was pretty self centered....if that wasn't already obvious

I'm a solo drinker...never had drinking buddies. The friends I do have in Cali....none of them drink much and none are alcoholics. I've never hung out with other alcohilics. So yes, I know most people drink very little. I'm good with that.

Did you meet your wife in recovery or quit during your marriage? If you don't mind me asking

entropy1964

Thanks Meriviglioso....hope I just spelled that right.

Yes many people don't drink. But I'm an alcoholic. To me, my thinking now, it is deceitful to say simply, I don't drink. Now, if it's the first few dates? Sure. But if I like the man (and I'm not dating right now so it's hypothetical) I believe he has the right to know. I cannot tell anyone that I am positive I will never drink again. That too is a lie. I'm sober today. I don't know. It would be interesting to hear how the spouses/partners of alcoholics would feel about this.

If all I had to do was tell him I don't eat meat? That wouldn't be such a big deal.....think they are slightly different