Want to get sober but need boyfriend too as well
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2015
Posts: 1
Want to get sober but need boyfriend too as well
Hey,
I have been debating getting sober but I don't think I can do it without my partner getting sober as well. I believe he has a problem (not an addiction, like me). He drinks often. Not a lot at once, but often enough.
I can't stand the idea of seeing him able to drink/hang out with friends and not being able to do the same. I also know that if he didn't, he would spend more time away from home (with friends) because he wouldn't want to drink in front of me.
Overall, I know that this is my journey but I don't think I can do it without him being on the journey with me.
Please refrain from any mean/harsh comments. I don't do well with that - more empathetic and validating words.
Thank you.
Jil
I have been debating getting sober but I don't think I can do it without my partner getting sober as well. I believe he has a problem (not an addiction, like me). He drinks often. Not a lot at once, but often enough.
I can't stand the idea of seeing him able to drink/hang out with friends and not being able to do the same. I also know that if he didn't, he would spend more time away from home (with friends) because he wouldn't want to drink in front of me.
Overall, I know that this is my journey but I don't think I can do it without him being on the journey with me.
Please refrain from any mean/harsh comments. I don't do well with that - more empathetic and validating words.
Thank you.
Jil
You're not shackled to not drinking, you're free from drinking
Join Date: Oct 2015
Location: MN
Posts: 1,406
As you know, it's your journey. If he's willing to go along with you that's great. But he has to be willing and committed to it. Have you discussed this with him? That's the place to start.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2015
Location: Stamford, CT
Posts: 1
It's tough. I'm getting sober without my wife, but like you said- it's our journey. Similar to your boyfriend, my wife doesn't drink like I do. She drinks around me frequently, but I find that my temptation isn't triggered by her drinking. It's triggered all on my own and by the choices I've trained myself to make (drink when stressed, drink to celebrate, drink to signify the "end" of my work-day).
I talk to my wife about it- but she doesn't understand, and I can't expect her to. She doesn't have the problem, I do. She didn't do this to herself, I did.
I'd say talk to your boyfriend about it- but you might have to be mentally prepared to not get the support/response you are looking for. I'd love for my wife to be going through this with me- but would definitely not wish for her to be in my shoes addiction-wise.
I talk to my wife about it- but she doesn't understand, and I can't expect her to. She doesn't have the problem, I do. She didn't do this to herself, I did.
I'd say talk to your boyfriend about it- but you might have to be mentally prepared to not get the support/response you are looking for. I'd love for my wife to be going through this with me- but would definitely not wish for her to be in my shoes addiction-wise.
Originally Posted by Belle1234 
Hey,
I have been debating getting sober but I don't think I can do it without my partner getting sober as well. I believe he has a problem (not an addiction, like me). He drinks often. Not a lot at once, but often enough.
I can't stand the idea of seeing him able to drink/hang out with friends and not being able to do the same. I also know that if he didn't, he would spend more time away from home (with friends) because he wouldn't want to drink in front of me.
Overall, I know that this is my journey but I don't think I can do it without him being on the journey with me.
Please refrain from any mean/harsh comments. I don't do well with that - more empathetic and validating words.
Thank you.
Jil
I have been debating getting sober but I don't think I can do it without my partner getting sober as well. I believe he has a problem (not an addiction, like me). He drinks often. Not a lot at once, but often enough.
I can't stand the idea of seeing him able to drink/hang out with friends and not being able to do the same. I also know that if he didn't, he would spend more time away from home (with friends) because he wouldn't want to drink in front of me.
Overall, I know that this is my journey but I don't think I can do it without him being on the journey with me.
Please refrain from any mean/harsh comments. I don't do well with that - more empathetic and validating words.
Thank you.
Jil
Trudgin
Join Date: Jul 2014
Posts: 6,348
When I decided to get sober I couldn't take a hostage with me........I had to deal with me, no one else. Some find inspiration from loved ones getting sober - some do not and continue to drink. I couldn't start my sobriety by having my partner resent me - this was my problem. That said, without prompting my wife (really not a drinker) simply chose to not have any alcohol around for herself.
Glad you're here - thanks for the thread.
Glad you're here - thanks for the thread.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2011
Posts: 172
Job, no job. Wife, no wife. We will not get sober as long as we place dependence upon people or things ahead of . . .
What is important to you? Your life? Your freedom? Your sanity?
If you are an alcoholic and you continue to drink all three of those may vanish and you are are certain to lose the boyfriend. Lol, an alcoholic drinking to keep a relationship only makes sense to the alcoholic mind and the boyfriend may follow suit if you are successful. Then again, he may not and you will lose that relationship.
Until you let it go and take care of yourself it ain't going to flourish or last anyway.
RE: harsh or stern comments
If you are an alcoholic, this stuff is life or death. Sugar coating it only helps you potentially kill yourself.
What is important to you? Your life? Your freedom? Your sanity?
If you are an alcoholic and you continue to drink all three of those may vanish and you are are certain to lose the boyfriend. Lol, an alcoholic drinking to keep a relationship only makes sense to the alcoholic mind and the boyfriend may follow suit if you are successful. Then again, he may not and you will lose that relationship.
Until you let it go and take care of yourself it ain't going to flourish or last anyway.
RE: harsh or stern comments
If you are an alcoholic, this stuff is life or death. Sugar coating it only helps you potentially kill yourself.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: Gulf Coast, USA
Posts: 2,229
Originally Posted by QuietStruggle
It's tough. I'm getting sober without my wife, but like you said- it's our journey. Similar to your boyfriend, my wife doesn't drink like I do. She drinks around me frequently, but I find that my temptation isn't triggered by her drinking. It's triggered all on my own and by the choices I've trained myself to make (drink when stressed, drink to celebrate, drink to signify the "end" of my work-day).
I talk to my wife about it- but she doesn't understand, and I can't expect her to. She doesn't have the problem, I do. She didn't do this to herself, I did.
I'd say talk to your boyfriend about it- but you might have to be mentally prepared to not get the support/response you are looking for. I'd love for my wife to be going through this with me- but would definitely not wish for her to be in my shoes addiction-wise.
I talk to my wife about it- but she doesn't understand, and I can't expect her to. She doesn't have the problem, I do. She didn't do this to herself, I did.
I'd say talk to your boyfriend about it- but you might have to be mentally prepared to not get the support/response you are looking for. I'd love for my wife to be going through this with me- but would definitely not wish for her to be in my shoes addiction-wise.
It is tough with a spouse that drinks, but is definitely doable. You'll have to make your own decisions based on what you want to get out of your life. You can only control you.
Glad you found us, there is a ton of wisdom and help here within this community.
Do your best
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 67,047
Member
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: northern michigan. not the U.P.
Posts: 15,281
It has been demonstrated over and
over again that a person becomes sober and stays
sober only when he is doing so for himself and
himself alone. He may become sober temporarily
for the sake of some person, fear of some sort,
because of his job, but unless he is sincerely, genuinely determined to sober up for himself, his days of sobriety are numbered.
PLEASE dont put stipulations on you getting sober.
with or without him you CAN get sober IF you decide to and put in the footwork FOR YOU.
over again that a person becomes sober and stays
sober only when he is doing so for himself and
himself alone. He may become sober temporarily
for the sake of some person, fear of some sort,
because of his job, but unless he is sincerely, genuinely determined to sober up for himself, his days of sobriety are numbered.
PLEASE dont put stipulations on you getting sober.
with or without him you CAN get sober IF you decide to and put in the footwork FOR YOU.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
i do get why you would imagine it being EASIER if he got sober too.....but as others have said, then YOUR sobriety is partially dependent on him....and if he later decides to have a drink and then YOU decide to have a drink...then the cycle starts all over only this time you can add BLAME into the mix.
i think a good heart to heart talk is in order......SHARE how you feel, what your fears are, don't try to exact promises from him OR from yourself at this point. there may be a lot more compromise than you can see right now.
i think a good heart to heart talk is in order......SHARE how you feel, what your fears are, don't try to exact promises from him OR from yourself at this point. there may be a lot more compromise than you can see right now.
Member
Join Date: May 2015
Location: PA
Posts: 562
I don't have a partner, I've got a quasi companion who likes to do drugs and thats fine just not around me. We went to an AA meeting together and immediately afterward he ask me to make a stop to get beer..... He doesn't drink much , like once a month......but I told I'd prefer if he didn't drink around me either......that's like me eating a bunch of goodies around someone who's trying to loose weight, that's just me.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: San Francisco Bay Area
Posts: 319
My wife drinks every night and she knows I'm an alcoholic who needs to stop. Her response is, "You have the problem, not me." She has wine, cosmos, you name it. I came on SR and asked if I should force her to stop and not have any alcohol in the house. The response I got was basically, "get over it." So, I took the advice and now it doesn't bother me. There will be temptations everywhere, so just focus on yourself and as you mentioned it is your journey.
Also, the "debating getting sober" comment makes me think you're not totally committed at this point? This is the most difficult thing most of us have done, so without being totally committed I'm not sure how you could be successful. I mean, when we start talking about this journey as "walking through the valley of hell, etc." you know you're in for the battle of your life.
Also, the "debating getting sober" comment makes me think you're not totally committed at this point? This is the most difficult thing most of us have done, so without being totally committed I'm not sure how you could be successful. I mean, when we start talking about this journey as "walking through the valley of hell, etc." you know you're in for the battle of your life.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Posts: 5,439
I quit drinking while living with my then boyfriend who continued drinking.
There were times when it was kind of hard. Not even so much that it made me want to drink because I was very committed to my sobriety. But it was very lonely for me.
The changes I made in my life caused us to grow further and further apart and a year or so after I got sober we split up.
Getting sober under those circumstances isn't easy. But you have to decide what you want for yourself.
For me, it was hard. It was lonely. It was painful and sad and heartbreaking. I lost my life as I knew it and my boyfriend who was also a very dear friend of mine. There are things about it that still make me sad if I think about it.
There are other things about my life that are so much better now. Getting sober isn't easy- with or without a partner that drinks. But there are many rewards to it. It IS possible to quit drinking regardless of the circumstances.
There are still times when I see other people drinking and feel kind of jealous. But I know my life is so much better since I quit.
I totally get that it's hard with a drinking partner. I've been there and it wasn't easy. But please don't let your boyfriend drinking keep you from the rewards and life that you can have if you get sober.
There were times when it was kind of hard. Not even so much that it made me want to drink because I was very committed to my sobriety. But it was very lonely for me.
The changes I made in my life caused us to grow further and further apart and a year or so after I got sober we split up.
Getting sober under those circumstances isn't easy. But you have to decide what you want for yourself.
For me, it was hard. It was lonely. It was painful and sad and heartbreaking. I lost my life as I knew it and my boyfriend who was also a very dear friend of mine. There are things about it that still make me sad if I think about it.
There are other things about my life that are so much better now. Getting sober isn't easy- with or without a partner that drinks. But there are many rewards to it. It IS possible to quit drinking regardless of the circumstances.
There are still times when I see other people drinking and feel kind of jealous. But I know my life is so much better since I quit.
I totally get that it's hard with a drinking partner. I've been there and it wasn't easy. But please don't let your boyfriend drinking keep you from the rewards and life that you can have if you get sober.
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