Girlfriend and daughter
 

All of this falling out recently with my girlfriend is making me re-assess myself and I'm asking the question am I actually just a bit of a bore and not much fun to be around.

I have no idea but she points out that all I seem to like doing is staying in and I'm with my daughter today and despite the fact we've been to Starbucks , bowling and the cinema this week, she is saying she is bored!

I try my best to get out of my own head when things get too much in there but I always seem to revert back to deep thinking which is where I think some if my problems stem from.

I haven't really felt right since I went off work for the four months, not really back to normal but the thing is, I have no reference point for normal because this is the longest I've been sober for

I asked my girlfriend what would make things better. She replied stop being an a- hole. So I'm following that advice on the understanding things will improve. I'm not stupid though, I'm sure there are things she is doing that are leading me to behave in that way.

I'm off work this week and it's making me realise I have to work in my own life too

Relationships are are a 2-way street Stewy. It's great that you realize that both of you probably need to work on things. The most important things you can do are to be honest and communicate...sounds like you are doing both.

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Stewy, I struggle with some of the same things you are. I'm an introvert and my comfort zone is staying at home and not getting out much. I can and do "force" myself to get out of that comfort zone. But you can only do so much of that. I don't think you can really change who you are at your core. That's not a bad thing. It takes many different people to make the world go around.

But if you are in a relationship where the other party is not so on board on who you are at your core that can be a problem. my wife and I have been married 6 years and we are totally different people. That has caused some issues but we're learning who each other are at their core and allowing each of us to be that person. That means sometimes we do and allow the other to do their on things. That's not an easy arrangement to work out. It takes two people to understand themselves pretty well and have the confidence in themselves to allow the other to be who they really are.

Don't if any of this makes sense.

Kids always complain that they're bored. If she's bored she needs to do something about it. Read a book; do some drawing; play in the park. One thing I haven't missed this week are the teens are school and their "I'm b - o - r - e - d"" wingey-whining.

In what way does your girlfriend mean 'stop being an a-hole?' What're you doing that she sees as making you one of them?

Yeah, that does make sense. Sometimes though, I think would I be happier out if myself a bit more. Then I just would most likely revert back to how I am.

I'm not so sure whether that is the key to me being happier. I don't feel altogether happy at the minute.

What can I do?

She says I control what goes on in the house, what I say goes with tv programmes, meals, visitors etc.

She says I don't know how to treat women

Sometimes I'm just down. And I need someone to help me. Sometimes I don't even know why I'm down. I just know I'm low some days and I get abrupt

Yeah - I think most alcoholics can be a bit controlling at times if we don't work on it. It's a reaction to anxiety mostly. If we get fearful we try to control our surroundings. Like controlling the little things will keep everything under control. It's hard work all that - no wonder you're feeling down if you're keeping the reigns on everything.

Have you considered outside help? You know. Face to face - meetings or something? It could help. My OH didn't really like me going to AA at first. Then he realised I tended to come back a LOT more chilled. And then he saw that I was getting calmer and less depressed. Now he accepts that it's part of what I do to keep happy and on an even-keel.

I don't think you're boring or an a-hole. Probably just a little depressed and anxious. That can be sorted :)

Yeah I think I am still depressed and anxious I'm locked in to certain things

1. I must try and watch all the football available on TV
2. I must play football 3 times a week
3. I must eat healthy 6 days a week, 1 not healthy
4. I must weigh myself every Sunday

These are some examples. I don't know how to escape it. I get locked in to my guitar playing, I'm at a spell I'm not in a good frame of mind when I pick it up so I don't get good results

I'm a dry drunk aren't I?

You are who you are Stewy. Sure, relationships require some effort, but if they are more work than they are worth, then do what you have to do. I can very much relate to your situation. When I was lubed up and I would do whatever, and the wife liked that part of it, but she knew I had to be drinking to open up like that. Now, I'm sober, I don't like doing "stuff". She hates that. But she'll take it over me being a drunk. I find things to keep myself busy. Its her responsibility to find things to keep her busy. She sometimes comes to me and says "I'm bored". I tell her to find something to do. Period. I wasn't put on this earth to entertain her.

This sounds like OCD Stewy I had that growing up your not a dry drunk stay away from useless labels

Have you spoke to a Dr about OCD ?

Dunno about dry drunk, but it certainly sounds like you're white-knuckling it a bit. I couldn't do that for long without feeling like I wanted to die, so you're doing better than I did.

There's a definite difference, in my opinion, between sobriety and recovery. Sobriety stopped me f***ing up my life any further. But it was Recovery that helped me start: putting things right; putting me right; seeing things right, and helped me learn to be happy and comfortable without alcohol.

Thanks Thomas, I relate to a lot of what you're saying

Thanks wolf, I've had CBT for an obsessive thought pattern that was destroying me at one point. That particular subject has faded now but there still seems a lot of obsessive in the things I'm saying when I'm reading back

Yeah, I'm most likely in the sobriety at present, thanks for your insights they are helping me :)

Sorry to sound ignorant but what is white knuckling? I'm not familiar with the term

I'm just starting CBT with my new therapist hang in there bud

White knuckling: I envision it like being on a roller coaster; holding on as tight as you can and hoping for the best I suppose - anxiety and fear and bewilderment, rather than a journey of recovery. (Scream if you wanna go faster!! :o )

It's starting to feel like I'd be happier drinking beer again

I can't really see my progress right now

Stewy, everyone knows that relationships take effort and work, but they should also be enhancing your life. If it is only work and effort and no enjoyment, then it's going to be tough going. Does your girlfriend ever say anything kind to you?

Drinking won't solve nothing I think your incredible fwiw