mns1

I agree that we need to take responsibility for our happiness. That is something I failed to do for a long time. I expected happiness to just magically fall into my lap. But that's not how it works. This left me bitter and depressed and was I believe a huge part of my addiction to alcohol to escape the big scary world. It wasn't until I soldiered up and took that first leap of faith that I truly began to find happiness. What followed were improvements to my health and personal relationships to name just a couple.

Being happy can be hard work, especially for us alcoholics. And it can be scary especially at first. But it is 100% worth it.

FreeOwl

Yeah.... I find it harder to maintain a positive mood and energy levels when I'm not running or working out. When the colder / darker months hit I've taken to doing intensity workouts on the stair machine, along with heavier resistance workouts. Or, alternating-intensity cirtcuits between rowing and running on the tread mill.

The endorphins help!

ClearLight

Interesting thread.
A few thoughts:
I spent over a decade as a bartender and people in bars are the most boring people I have ever met. And I was the guy hosting the party. That is my take on it. I've had urges to drink but there is NOTHING and NO ONE in a bar that I find remotely interesting.
Unemployment normally brings on depression.
Well, two out of three anyway.
Look, moving to a new city, unemployment and not keeping up with your usual exercise routine are all things that trigger depression - in anybody.

As far as not having a doctor. Look into the Affordable Care Act. I know people that are covered by it that could never get health insurance before. I myself could be using it very soon as I could be unemployed very soon.

Don't go by what others tell you - go to the links below and call them. They have subsidies for people that don't have a lot of money.

https://www.healthcare.gov

About the Law | HHS.gov

Good luck!

SoberRunner

What did you do to create happiness?

By no means do I think happiness will just fall out of the sky and shower me with feeling of happiness and joy. And, I'm definitely not the type of person to complain about things without trying to change them. I feel like I've attempted to do quite a few things--see my 2nd post on Pg 1 of this thread--but nothing seems to work, longterm.

Also, now that I'm in a new city and looking for a job, I don't have any money... Feel free to give me ideas of free things you can do that can lead to happiness. I don't even have enough $$ for gas so, usually, I am stuck at home. I know it won't be this way forever but for the time being, I guess I just have to suck it up.

SoberRunner

Yeah, I guess that's the perfect recipe for depression! Thank you for the links--I'll check them out.

dcg

Entire post sounds like AA rhetoric. I've been clean 3 months and have had ZERO desires to drink. None. It took 29 years of abusing alcohol to get to this point and many, many times trying to quit unsuccessfully, but I finally reached a point where I realized I don't need it simply due to how pathetic getting blackout drunk every day is, and that is motivation enough for me.

Do tell, what should I be doing to treat my alcoholism? I'm a "dry drunk" because I'm emotionally 29 years stunted by alcohol and won't get better if I don't join AA? No, my life gets incrementally better every day and that's because I don't drink.

Not drinking gives me all the insight I need to realize why I shouldn't drink. For me, not drinking combined with introspection is working a program - it's working on me, without the use of alcohol, which is what normal people do to resolve issues.

BTW, I'm not suggesting people shouldn't try AA. Do whatever you can to find something that works, but if the part of your post I placed in bold was absolutely fact, then there wouldn't be unhappy non-alcoholics.

dcg

We know why addicted people drink day-to-day, but what are the underlying reasons for becoming an alcoholic to begin with?

mns1

I could tell you exactly what I do to make ME happy, but it won't do much to make YOU happy. Figuring out what makes us happy is part of the journey. And it can take a while. But we owe it to ourselves to never give up searching for it.

I believe that a big part of being truly happy is finding something that we are passionate about and pursuing it with every aspect of our being. For me, I turned my greatest burden into my biggest source of motivation and drive. I have suffered a chronic illness for 10 years. For the vast majority of those 10 years, I let it run my life, keep me afraid of taking chances and leaving the same jobs that I hated but continued to work anyway. But when I finally sought treatment for my depression, I began to take chances. Since I dedicated every single day of my life to controlling my illness, I decided that I want to make a career out of helping other people be healthy. And even though I am not making much money in the early days of my career, there is not a single day that goes by anymore that I feel stressed out. And I certainly don't dread going to work, I look forward to it and love every minute of it. It gives me a true sense of purpose and fulfillment. And the best part: my illness has seemingly gone into remission.

Point is: I really had to buckle down and look inside myself to figure out how to be happy. So you need to ask yourself what you are passionate about. What gives you a reason t get out of bed every day? What could make you go o bed every night with a sense of accomplishment and fulfillment? It may be one thing, it may be several things, and only you can figure them out. And once you figure it out, dedicate yourself to them. And I like that you acknowledge that things won't always be the way they are now. Trusting that we will figure things out is part of the journey as well.

SoberRunner

I guess that's the issue--I have no idea what I'm passionate (besides sports and cats / exotic felines! ) and it's been a 7 year journey of attempting to find a career I'm passionate about. I have a lot of student loan debt from graduate school so I'm always torn between choosing a job that will make me happy (most sport and animal jobs pay very little!) and choosing a job that pays more that I'm not passionate about. That said, I've applied for countless jobs at zoos and aquariums but I never get them. Try, try again I guess.

Also, I know a job I'd be passionate about (Feline Veterinarian) but I cannot afford vet school. Sucks when you know what you want / where you want to go but $$ is the only thing holding you back. Too bad I can't just win the lottery! That'd solve all of my problems! Lol That said, seeing as I cannot afford vet school, I'm stuck trying to "settle" for something else...which, clearly, hasn't panned out very well; hence my being a "job hopper".

EndGameNYC

When I was very young, I spent some time in the hospital due to a near-fatal (which I didn't fully grasp at the time) case of pneumonia. I also had several ER visits as I suffered from "childhoodd asthma." My mother was a nurse at the same hospital, and I can truly say that my stay there came with a great deal of comfort. I had visitors, toys and paints to play with and, as a result of early, severe and chronic insomnia, I slept as I never had before. Plus, I didn't have to go to school.

I was subjected to all kinds of tests, including what they called the "sweat test." I was first wrapped in cellophane, then heavy sleepwear, and then bound in a bundle of blankets overnight. The idea was to "sweat out" the bacteria and fluids in my lungs. It was torture in its own way, but I also felt as though I was being cared for and in good hands.

I shared my room with another boy who looked all banged up. He rarely spoke and seemed to be in a great deal of pain. I asked my mother what was wrong with him. She said that he was "homesick," and I didn't completely understand what she meant. I mean, he was in the hospital. After that, I started talking to him -- just four-year-old stuff -- and doing so seemed to help both of us.

Since that time, I rarely missed an opportunity to visit people I know who are in the hospital. Besides their medical conditions, it never bothered me to be in a hospital, and I often found comfort and relief from being able to be there for them. I intended to go to medical school along the way, but I had a serious problem with blood, especially my own. I'm no hero, and I haven't gone to visit loved ones and others in the hospital because I thought it would make me happy (though I did believe that it would help them), but because I'd learned to be happy doing it. When my mother was in the hospital following an automobile accident when I was about twelve years old, I went with my father every night that he went to visit her. I was the only one of my then-three siblings who went. My Dad used to give me a Milky Way each time we drove to the hospital, but I didn't need a reward or a bribe to go with him. I liked going to visit my mother, and I had some extra alone time with my father.

We often underestimate our ability to relieve other people's suffering, particularly those who need it most. After destroying several years of my life by drinking it away, I got sober and went on to educate myself as a clinical psychologist. I've met people who are among the most fascinating, insightful, inspired and inspiring, clueless, miserable and dangerous people on the planet. I've also spent a good portion of my professional life working in major hospitals, as a clinician and as a researcher. I worked with both medical and psych patients. I can truly say that I've never felt more at home while working there.

Anyway, I knew going into my education and my career that I had a good capacity to be with people who were suffering. What we want/are meant to be in life rarely shows itself with such clarity. I'd been practicing psychotherapy for about four years before I suffered my first episode of major depression. I hit all the DSM criteria in the extreme. Prior to that, I'd learned that I was able to work very well with people who were depressed or had suffered traumatic loss. They touched a part of me that even all my academic work and clinical training couldn't stifle. We cannot know what life means to us, who we are, and what will give us purpose in life while we're drinking. As Dee is fond of phrasing it, we can live a good life, or we can drink. We can't do both.

Many of us carry a sense around that which will make our lives meaningful. A longing, an emptiness inside, an unfulfilled dream that is either overly loud in its absence or that only whispers to us during the dead silence of that long night. We ignore this information, don't see it for what it is, or convince ourselves that we want something different. We settle for abusive or loveless relationships because we've convinced ourselves that it's "the best we can do," sacrificing our souls for the promise of a few stale crumbs of security in exchange for true purpose or meaning. The distractions that drive our early work or career choices are often too compelling to follow our hearts, and tend to overwhelm our sense of purpose: money, fame, the perfect spouse or partner...the dream house and dream car, the lure of adventure and travel, and the fear of being "stuck." Ambition and achievement hitched to the shiniest cart. The nebulous and frequently ill-defined dual fears of commitment and failure also assert themselves among the usual suspects.

If we're always in a hurry in life to "get somewhere," then what we get is getting old in a hurry. Sobriety demands much of us. Any presumed remedy for living a lie, living without purpose, and systematically destroying ourselves and others requires extreme measures. We need to go against our very nature. We need to slow down. We need to find a way to stop living in fear. One of the ways of doing this is by giving the best of ourselves to others, usually a very quiet offering that we don't frame as self-sacrifice, and which we don't feel a need to publicize. Like stopping by the hospital to visit a friend.

mns1

Maybe "settling" for the jobs you have is part of finding happiness for right now. When I started my career in health and fitness, I still had to work several other jobs for a while until I built myself up enough to financially be able to drop them. And I actually just quit my last one a little over a month ago. It has been a hustle! But it's all part of the process of getting to where I want to be. And learning to live in the process rather than obsessing over the end goal is something that has really helped me. Take it one day at a time. Little steps ultimately climb mountains!

SoberInCLE

I was just feeling this way a few weeks ago! Ugh, it's the worst! It is fun hanging out with other drinkers, but I think you are really just as alone the next day. At some point, you just have to build your life without the drinking. That's what I'm trying to do. But, man, I totally know where you are coming from.

I think if they are really are your friends, it is okay to go see them at a bar if you don't drink. I have done that a couple times now that I've been sober for a little while. I just got a water and no one else cared.

2muchpain

Having a social network is key to long term sobriety IMO. Without it, no program is going to be effective for long. John

SoberRunner

Thanks to everyone who has contributed to this thread! I feel much better than I did last night. Thank you for your words of wisdom; they were really helpful.

Soberwolf

Aellyce

I think we can be quite different in terms of how much we are prone to depression, positive thinking, what gives us a sense of healthy well-being etc. I also find it changes with time and experience. For me, the best source of meaning is definitely internal, comes from within. I've always been this way except those years when my alcoholism seriously disturbed and kinda destroyed my sense of self and inspiration. It was a very painful experience of disconnection for me and yet I would keep doing it because of the addiction. For me, it all came back quite fast in sobriety though, I could reconnect with my inner "source" relatively easily, although it did take some new searching and tinkering. I find that my motivations manifest now in a newer complex that contains both old, well-known elements and novel interests and inspirations. So that's about finding meaning for me...

Now in terms of what I feel as "happiness": it's when the inner source and my values are aligned with my external reality and I am able to use my internal world in a practical way, both to create a life and activities for myself that I find subjectively fulfilling and also when all this has the potential (and the reality) that goes beyond myself. As long as these things are aligned, I typically feel that I am living a good and fulfilling life. What's important to mention though is that this complex is not always shiny and harmonious... there can be also just as much dissonance, challenge, loss and difficulty. In other words, I think that as long as we seek only pleasurable things, we'll always remain dissatisfied and prone to excess and destruction. For me as a sober person, experiencing the full palette of life (the good, the ugly, and everything in between) is what's most fulfilling.

When we drink or otherwise distort our inner and outer life, it's impossible to perceive the reality of our experience and knowing who we are and what we truly want from life. I also have the belief that while life offers a seemingly endless variety of possibilities, these won't come to us on a silver platter, sober or not. I believe that we need to create our own unique combination and accept that it'll never be stagnant, that life is a dynamic interaction between ourselves and everything else. I find profound inner peace in looking at and experiencing the world this way that no amount of momentary artificial pleasure can substitute, but we need to be removed from our addiction for a while and be actively involved in our own "creation".

FreeOwl

Gas money?

You have legs. Get running! Find a running group. Get out there!!!!

Moving to a new place can be tough. It takes time and effort to establish new community and can be lonely and isolating. Find local free newspapers - look in coffeeshops and music stores and libraries.... Almost every community these days large or small has a few locally published quirky community papers or magazines that often advertise all sorts of cool free activities, groups in the area, classes. Community outreach and volunteer groups are great resources to get connected. I built community when I moved back home after almost 20 years this way. Also just by going to a particular coffeeshop regularly and taking to people. The cost of a cup of coffee can be well worth the meager investment. Bring a journal, so some writing, engage with folks, be pleasant, ask about what folks do. People love to talk about their interests... 'I'm new to the area, what are some fun or interesting things going on around here?'.

Take some art classes. Check out your local public library - they often have all kinds of cool community class offerings, movies, activities.

Look around your neighborhood - see anyone coming and going about your age or who simply seem interesting? Has anyone waved while going about their day? Bake some cookies and drop over with them. 'Hi! I'm your new neighbor and I just wanted to introduce myself'.

Look up Big Brothers Big Sisters - they always need volunteers and role models for youngsters many of whom suffer from the effects of alcoholism in their lives.... What a great perspective we can bring them in recovery.... What great role models we can be!

AA- need I say more? It's everywhere, free, like minded and you can meet people and learn about the area there.

History - take an interest in the new place you are and learn about it at the library. Go visit historic places. Run to them. Did I mention GO RUNNING?? Often when you go running, you meet other runners. Speaking of that... Sign up for races. Turkey trots are everywhere and right around the corner. Meet people by running with them. Ask questions. Engage people.

I could go on like this for pages and pages..... Sober life doesn't suck. It is limitless. Sober life is what you make it.

SoberRunner

Excellent response!! Thank you for that. I'll have to reflect on everything you said, again, but what resonated the most was "I think that as long as we seek only pleasurable things, we'll always remain dissatisfied and prone to excess and destruction."

That is definitely my problem... I'm somewhat of an adrenaline junkie so I tend to seek excitement in everything that I do. And, if it's not exciting or fun--I usually do not do it...for a long period of time. Which, as I type / look at what I just said is totally unrealistic.


Lol @ gas money and legs. Um, I'm aware I have legs but I'm in a rural area--the closest grocery store is about 5 miles away!! Also, we do not have sidewalks and I don't know about you, but I'd rather not run in wooded areas when I can hear random animals rustlin' about.

Also, thank you for those ideas. They're great! But, like I said, right now I do not have gas money so there is no way for me to get to any of those places on a regular basis. Yes, technically, I could walk 8+ miles to the library--through the wooded area--but that ain't gonna happen!! Would you do that? Ha! Probably not.

Lastly, there are no people my age around here and no one is really "out 'n about" in the neighborhood, unless they're driving to and from work. I only plan on being here a few more months so I'll just have to suck it up. And, hopefully, I'll find a job soon and that'll take up most of the day.

Roxyblues

A heavy drinker can moderate or quit on their own for sustained periods of time, an alcoholic cannot. A heavy drinker can moderate or quit and not suffer from the effects of underlying alcoholism, an alcoholic cannot.

90 days is still pink cloud territory even for the true alcoholic. Stopping will definitely relieve many of the acute, crisis type symptoms and result in a general overall, positive and healthy feelings causing a pink cloud. This is generally followed by the return of the symptoms of alcoholism in the true alcoholic.

Perhaps the OP is a true alcoholic suffering from the effects of untreated alcoholism. Perhaps you are not. I dunno.

I can say unequivocally that alcohol is the cure for an alcoholic's alcoholism or any mood altering drugs. I managed my alcoholism for years with prescription drugs and functioned at a very high level.

My alcoholism comes in the form of an overactive mind that focuses on the negative and is fear driven telling me that something is wrong or about to go wrong. That then manifests itself in the pit of my stomach as a chronic feeling of uneasiness or, at times waiting for the other shoe to drop impending doom that resides deep within.

Alcohol or drugs removes that deep residing uneasiness and turns down that negative feedback loop inside my brain that is fear based and tries to convince me I have something to worry about. Take away alcohol and that volume slowly, or quickly for some, increases and the feeling of uneasiness in the pit of the stomach increases. That is the effects of untreated alcoholism and it will truly make an alcoholic unhappy when alcohol and all mood altering substances are removed.

After being around AA since 1983 (at 15), 12 of the best treatment centers in 4 countries that money can by (many alternative non-AA step based), 30 days in Tibet, time at monasteries in Thailand, church, therapy, men's groups . . . I can say without a doubt that alcoholics all have the same general symptoms and will find no peace unless the alcoholism is treated on a daily basis.

Mountainmanbob

I'm not sure but,
mine came in a while back ????
Check the mail.
MM