Help me if you can.....
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2004
Location: Ontario, Canada
Posts: 425
Help me if you can.....
I wonder if any body could give me some advise.
The last 3 years of my 20 year marriage I totally abused alcohol. I suspected my husband was cheating and instead of dealing with it, I believed his lies and just drank more, pushed my feelings down.
Finally hired a PI and got the info that I needed. I found that no amount of alcohol could cover the pain, so just gave it up and left my husband. Things went ok for a couple years till I started a new relationship.
I was instantly suspicious of him and everytime I left him to go home, I would have obsessive thoughts of him calling another woman or seeing another woman. Didn't take long for me to start using pot to numb my feelings. That relationship was totally troubled, with me using and accusing him constantly of cheating.
I waited another 2 years to start another relationship, but this time I fell head over heals with a man I think is my soul mate. It has been almost 2 and a half years with him now, but shortly after we met and I started developing feelings for him I started smoking pot even heavier. I quit my job, stayed home stoned all day and night, while the pot fed my insecurites and obsessions of him cheating.
Last year I went into a treatment centre because my pot smoking was way out of control and I realized I needed help. He visited me 2 or 3 times a day and was wonderfully supportive. Shortly after getting out of treatment I moved in with him, but started eating like crazy and gained 40 pounds over this past winter. I went through all his stuff looking for signs that he had another life and wasn't being honest with me. I got to the point where I would attack him verbally and totally cutting. He said if you feel that way about me why on earth are you with me? He knows I went through hell with my ex, and was very patient.
I did a search on his computer and found out that he went into a dating site to see what was out there, and I freaked out and moved out. He said it was harmless and that it didn't mean he was cheating, but I totally disregarded all of the good the man had in him and stamped him as the same as my husband. He appologized and said he wouldn't do it again, but I took it and ran with it in my head imagining all kinds of things, from him being a sex fiend, or sex addict to living a separate life etc. I moved into an apartment of my own and of course took up the pot smoking again to push my feelings down. In july I was in an accident and have been in wheelchair ever since, I will learn to walk again in November. He came 2 or 3 times a day to see me in the hospital and insisted on taking me home to his house to take care of me and help me recooperate even though I have grown daughters who could and were very will to take care of me.
The first night at his house I started thinking about him going out without me because of my condition, and started feaking out on him again. I was so cutting and hurtful he had no choice but to listen to me and take me back to my apartment. I finished my pot and when it ran out had no way of getting more because I could not drive my car to the dealers. I cried for 2 weeks like when I was first in treatment and called my dealer who was willing to bring it to me. I changed my mind and contacting him to forget it. I told him there was a reason I was in treatment last year, and that I didn't want it. I have been clean ever since, and working through my feelings and going to wheelchair accessable meetings. I realized what I did to my boyfriend who was only ever trying to help me because he loved me, and contacted him again. At first he was very reluctant to see me, but was thrilled that I called him. We both feel that we were meant to be and that something stronger than ourselves has brought us together. Why this man has tolerated so much from me I will never know. Actually I do know. He tells me he loves me more than any other woman he has ever known and wants to be with me the rest of his life, but not if I go back to pot and not if I don't see the man he really is.
The way things are now are great between us, but so many times I wonder where he is, who he is with and I can easliy go nuts in my mind again. I don't want to use again, but neither do I want these anxious feelings. How do I keep him and my sobriety and sanity? Please help if anyone can
The last 3 years of my 20 year marriage I totally abused alcohol. I suspected my husband was cheating and instead of dealing with it, I believed his lies and just drank more, pushed my feelings down.
Finally hired a PI and got the info that I needed. I found that no amount of alcohol could cover the pain, so just gave it up and left my husband. Things went ok for a couple years till I started a new relationship.
I was instantly suspicious of him and everytime I left him to go home, I would have obsessive thoughts of him calling another woman or seeing another woman. Didn't take long for me to start using pot to numb my feelings. That relationship was totally troubled, with me using and accusing him constantly of cheating.
I waited another 2 years to start another relationship, but this time I fell head over heals with a man I think is my soul mate. It has been almost 2 and a half years with him now, but shortly after we met and I started developing feelings for him I started smoking pot even heavier. I quit my job, stayed home stoned all day and night, while the pot fed my insecurites and obsessions of him cheating.
Last year I went into a treatment centre because my pot smoking was way out of control and I realized I needed help. He visited me 2 or 3 times a day and was wonderfully supportive. Shortly after getting out of treatment I moved in with him, but started eating like crazy and gained 40 pounds over this past winter. I went through all his stuff looking for signs that he had another life and wasn't being honest with me. I got to the point where I would attack him verbally and totally cutting. He said if you feel that way about me why on earth are you with me? He knows I went through hell with my ex, and was very patient.
I did a search on his computer and found out that he went into a dating site to see what was out there, and I freaked out and moved out. He said it was harmless and that it didn't mean he was cheating, but I totally disregarded all of the good the man had in him and stamped him as the same as my husband. He appologized and said he wouldn't do it again, but I took it and ran with it in my head imagining all kinds of things, from him being a sex fiend, or sex addict to living a separate life etc. I moved into an apartment of my own and of course took up the pot smoking again to push my feelings down. In july I was in an accident and have been in wheelchair ever since, I will learn to walk again in November. He came 2 or 3 times a day to see me in the hospital and insisted on taking me home to his house to take care of me and help me recooperate even though I have grown daughters who could and were very will to take care of me.
The first night at his house I started thinking about him going out without me because of my condition, and started feaking out on him again. I was so cutting and hurtful he had no choice but to listen to me and take me back to my apartment. I finished my pot and when it ran out had no way of getting more because I could not drive my car to the dealers. I cried for 2 weeks like when I was first in treatment and called my dealer who was willing to bring it to me. I changed my mind and contacting him to forget it. I told him there was a reason I was in treatment last year, and that I didn't want it. I have been clean ever since, and working through my feelings and going to wheelchair accessable meetings. I realized what I did to my boyfriend who was only ever trying to help me because he loved me, and contacted him again. At first he was very reluctant to see me, but was thrilled that I called him. We both feel that we were meant to be and that something stronger than ourselves has brought us together. Why this man has tolerated so much from me I will never know. Actually I do know. He tells me he loves me more than any other woman he has ever known and wants to be with me the rest of his life, but not if I go back to pot and not if I don't see the man he really is.
The way things are now are great between us, but so many times I wonder where he is, who he is with and I can easliy go nuts in my mind again. I don't want to use again, but neither do I want these anxious feelings. How do I keep him and my sobriety and sanity? Please help if anyone can
Last edited by lonlion; 09-07-2004 at 04:58 PM. Reason: change the title
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,497
Hi Lonlion,
Welcome to SR. You can find lots of support here.
It sounds like you've been numbing your feelings one way or another for a long, long time. I numbed mine with alcohol for a few years and I know how tempting it is to do that. The thing is that the feelings never go away because you never deal with them. When I stopped drinking, there were my feelings that I still had to deal with.
This is just my opinion and you probably won't like what it is, but here goes. First, you need to take care of yourself and become sober. You need to spend time on yourself and with yourself before you get involved in a relationship again. You said that right away after talking about getting back together, your mind takes over and you become totally anxious. After you stop using/drinking you need to work on yourself and find out that you can make it alone. Then you may be ready for a relationship.
I hope you keep posting because there's lots of support and understanding here.
Love, Anna
Welcome to SR. You can find lots of support here.
It sounds like you've been numbing your feelings one way or another for a long, long time. I numbed mine with alcohol for a few years and I know how tempting it is to do that. The thing is that the feelings never go away because you never deal with them. When I stopped drinking, there were my feelings that I still had to deal with.
This is just my opinion and you probably won't like what it is, but here goes. First, you need to take care of yourself and become sober. You need to spend time on yourself and with yourself before you get involved in a relationship again. You said that right away after talking about getting back together, your mind takes over and you become totally anxious. After you stop using/drinking you need to work on yourself and find out that you can make it alone. Then you may be ready for a relationship.
I hope you keep posting because there's lots of support and understanding here.
Love, Anna
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2004
Location: Ontario, Canada
Posts: 425
Thanks Anna, I have been thinking that too. I told him last night that I should have taken the time after treatment to work on myself and my issues, but was not employed at the time and was more needy than I am now. The fact that I am in a wheelchair now definately puts the "one day at a time" in new perspective for me. I love him and don't want to loose him or be without his support, but told him I need time for me now. He said he has supported me and waited for me all this time and it is not an issue. I also told him I feel like an invalid right now, and push him away because its not fair to him, and he told me if I never walked again he would still be by my side. Time will tell, I also told him with or without him I can never use again. Sounds selfish, but its about me now.
Headed in the right direction.
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Las Vegas
Posts: 257
HI lonlion,
Sounds like this boyfriend is willing to wait for you to sort things out...
So if you have a sponsor, (are you in NA?), then you can start working through your pain that your ex-husband caused you. Your post suggested to me that you had several feelings associated with the cheating...like 1) your betral of trust, and 2) your feelings about how you ignored it...you know...how your coping mechanism, pot, made you disappointed? angry? ----(fill in the blank)----- about how you treated yourself. (maybe???)
I'm no couselor, but I can imagine the pain from all of that is pretty intense, and you are doing the right thing to face that.
So your number 1 priority would be to stay sober. In doing so, you will probably work "the steps" of a 12 step program, and hopefully you will be able to process your feelings and see your boyfriend's behavior from a more normal perspective.
Sounds like this boyfriend is willing to wait for you to sort things out...
So if you have a sponsor, (are you in NA?), then you can start working through your pain that your ex-husband caused you. Your post suggested to me that you had several feelings associated with the cheating...like 1) your betral of trust, and 2) your feelings about how you ignored it...you know...how your coping mechanism, pot, made you disappointed? angry? ----(fill in the blank)----- about how you treated yourself. (maybe???)
I'm no couselor, but I can imagine the pain from all of that is pretty intense, and you are doing the right thing to face that.
So your number 1 priority would be to stay sober. In doing so, you will probably work "the steps" of a 12 step program, and hopefully you will be able to process your feelings and see your boyfriend's behavior from a more normal perspective.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: jacksonville, fl
Posts: 5
Hello Lonlion
Dear lonlion,
Hope your doing better today, my name is Gloria but, they call me Golita 12. Anyway I hope I can help you. I am sober 6 years and I have had the
same pain you are dealing with right now. I had a relationship in addication for 7 years and when I was 2 weeks sober I moved here from New Jersey with the guy. One thing I will have to say all through all of my sick relationships I suspected that the men in my life where cheating on me and I investgate the phones, pockets, cloths, computers. I drove my self so crazy I felt as i had to leave the relationship or drink again. I had hit bottom so hard I just could not risk my sobiety so I broke up with him, For the First year in a half of my sobietry I stood by my self. I than realize that I allways need a man to pay my bill or help me that I had never really lived alone it was so difficult at first. But i worked the steps and Listen to suggestions about not getting in to another sick relationship until i spent some time on me. I did that the after almost 2 years I ask my sponsor could I date now and she said ok, I did that wrong to but, i did meet a guy we feel in love, i married him I had never been married before, cause I could not trust men or keep them in my life. What I learned after that was That I had grave Emotional and mental disorders, and defects I thought that things would be different now that I change and sober 2 years . but my obbession and thoughts came back. i was so scared of getting hurt I could not love anyone and most of all my self esteem was not good. I have been able to stay sober married for 4 years unbelieve able. I now use the defect of Jealoues to help other women. I still have it sometimes but, I have a lot of tools in the program to use. I will give you some if you want to try them. First thing is admitting you have a jeoulous problem because, I keep saying it him he is acting wierd something anit right. Stop blame him ,he is not your problem. take responablity for you insecurties. Second pray for thier removal everyday. Third don't check the phones, or his job, or any thing else. Mine your own business checking on him is God's business not yours. Dismiss the monster whicH I call my sick thoughts about question Who he is talking to, what he is doing, Why he is on the Computer so long as soon as you contemplate these sick thoughts you can stop your action from acting like a fool. He did not make me look crazy I did. My Jeaulous is irrational I felt almost ashame to say the things I did to check on my mate , I get in rage sober because, I let the monster in my mind , I now use the sernity prayer before, i start to act on my thoughts or feeling. I also found out that Jeoulous is not Love it is that I think I possees the person and people are not possesion. Sofa are. Who am I to Control another one of God children.
Also my sponsor said that Trust is a choice, And Love is a choice, and that I had to make a choice and Grow -up and I had to take care of
Gloria not a man, she also told me to bring my self rose, and not wait on a man to bring me rose. I now love gloria and am starting to know that working with other everyday helps me. Stop control, using people to feel better and insures my sobietry. my sponsor said , One day if you have some much time to think about your husband , how are you help others or working on your own stuff. I was not I was living through him. Do something different and great things will come to pass for you., I have learn alot and can share it with women Just like me. I now know, I have life of my own, and friends of my own and God and my sponsor and I can take care of me, I don't need a man. But I have one and I don't have to act crazy or run but, trust , clean house, and help.
Write me any time Gloria Don't Give up before the miracle thier is hope!
Hope your doing better today, my name is Gloria but, they call me Golita 12. Anyway I hope I can help you. I am sober 6 years and I have had the
same pain you are dealing with right now. I had a relationship in addication for 7 years and when I was 2 weeks sober I moved here from New Jersey with the guy. One thing I will have to say all through all of my sick relationships I suspected that the men in my life where cheating on me and I investgate the phones, pockets, cloths, computers. I drove my self so crazy I felt as i had to leave the relationship or drink again. I had hit bottom so hard I just could not risk my sobiety so I broke up with him, For the First year in a half of my sobietry I stood by my self. I than realize that I allways need a man to pay my bill or help me that I had never really lived alone it was so difficult at first. But i worked the steps and Listen to suggestions about not getting in to another sick relationship until i spent some time on me. I did that the after almost 2 years I ask my sponsor could I date now and she said ok, I did that wrong to but, i did meet a guy we feel in love, i married him I had never been married before, cause I could not trust men or keep them in my life. What I learned after that was That I had grave Emotional and mental disorders, and defects I thought that things would be different now that I change and sober 2 years . but my obbession and thoughts came back. i was so scared of getting hurt I could not love anyone and most of all my self esteem was not good. I have been able to stay sober married for 4 years unbelieve able. I now use the defect of Jealoues to help other women. I still have it sometimes but, I have a lot of tools in the program to use. I will give you some if you want to try them. First thing is admitting you have a jeoulous problem because, I keep saying it him he is acting wierd something anit right. Stop blame him ,he is not your problem. take responablity for you insecurties. Second pray for thier removal everyday. Third don't check the phones, or his job, or any thing else. Mine your own business checking on him is God's business not yours. Dismiss the monster whicH I call my sick thoughts about question Who he is talking to, what he is doing, Why he is on the Computer so long as soon as you contemplate these sick thoughts you can stop your action from acting like a fool. He did not make me look crazy I did. My Jeaulous is irrational I felt almost ashame to say the things I did to check on my mate , I get in rage sober because, I let the monster in my mind , I now use the sernity prayer before, i start to act on my thoughts or feeling. I also found out that Jeoulous is not Love it is that I think I possees the person and people are not possesion. Sofa are. Who am I to Control another one of God children.
Also my sponsor said that Trust is a choice, And Love is a choice, and that I had to make a choice and Grow -up and I had to take care of
Gloria not a man, she also told me to bring my self rose, and not wait on a man to bring me rose. I now love gloria and am starting to know that working with other everyday helps me. Stop control, using people to feel better and insures my sobietry. my sponsor said , One day if you have some much time to think about your husband , how are you help others or working on your own stuff. I was not I was living through him. Do something different and great things will come to pass for you., I have learn alot and can share it with women Just like me. I now know, I have life of my own, and friends of my own and God and my sponsor and I can take care of me, I don't need a man. But I have one and I don't have to act crazy or run but, trust , clean house, and help.
Write me any time Gloria Don't Give up before the miracle thier is hope!
Member
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: jacksonville, fl
Posts: 5
Hello Friend
Hope your doing well , I was glad to recieve you comments on the suggestions. Me and you are very much alike and deal with the same
issues . I have learned a lot in recovery about how to better deal with
some of these monster in our minds. so I hope and pray that you are well
and I really want to thank you for your reply. Keep in touch. Let me share
with you I also need your help ...... Gloria C
issues . I have learned a lot in recovery about how to better deal with
some of these monster in our minds. so I hope and pray that you are well
and I really want to thank you for your reply. Keep in touch. Let me share
with you I also need your help ...... Gloria C
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