peanut44

In addition to getting off of suboxone and then my husband getting laid off because he caught his boss stealing, this morning started out with a text from my brother. My step dad, whom I'm very close with, has been diagnosed with lung cancer and my brother is telling me i probably should come and visit them.

I'm scared as he said i probably won't recognize my step dad. I haven't seen him or my mom in 8 years. Brings up a lot of things from the past. À lot of time spent at their house detoxing, just a lot of issues.

I'm thinking about the first week of November going to see them. My husband would go with me as he isn't working so he would be my support.

I'm just scared and going thru a lot right now. ....

Time2Rise

What's going on peanut?

SoberLeigh

What's going on, peanut? We're listening.

ScottFromWI

Lots of support is ready and waiting...what exactly can we help you with?

Coldfusion

Peanut is editing her post, and will be back shortly. She always posts this way.

SoberLeigh

Thanks, Coldfusion.

peanut44

Yes, i was editing. It's all there now!

Dee74

I'm sorry for the news Peanut...just know you'll have a lot of support here.

D

SoberLeigh

I am sorry to hear about your step-dad. I understand your fear, peanut. It is a very difficult to see a loved one suffer from cancer.

Is your relationship with your Mom and Step-dad strained?

Time2Rise

I wish I had some helpful advice peanut, but I'm newly sober, so I can't offer much. Are you on bad terms with your step-father and mother? Or is it just that you've detoxed there in the past that has you scared? I

peanut44

My step dad was the person that first offered me a methadone. Something i spent many painful years being on and off of. He's a major trigger.
My mother is a very self centered person who doesn't understand addiction and had her own secret judgments about me. When you boil it all down, i love my mom and i forgive her. Just going there brings back a lot of memories.

Plus, i have never really dealt with cancer or death. I'm afraid of my own feelings. I don't want to deal it but i know i have to.

SoberLeigh

It will definitely be a very emotional experience.

If you do decide to visit, would it be possible to stay at a hotel (rather than stay with them) so that you could leave if you feel triggered or if things get too emotional? It might be wise to have a safe place or neutral zone.

peanut44

We had actually talked about that and we agree that's a great idea. I don't think they have the room for us anyway. I know my mom would LOVE for me to come.

I called her from work when i got the text from my brother. She watched my step dad go thru withdrawals from methadone. He took more than he should've for excruciating pain and ran out early. She apologized to me because when she watched me go thru it she didn't realize how bad i felt or how sick you actually get.
I told her it was my bad decisions that put me in that situation but it was pretty awesome to hear her apologize. She NEVER does that!

SoberLeigh

That sounds very positive, peanut. It sounds like it could be a healing experience for you.

Time2Rise

I like the hotel idea. It will probably be healthy to have a safe place you can retreat to that isn't full of upsetting memories and triggers.

MythOfSisyphus

Wishing your stepdad well, Peanut. Wishing you well, too!

peanut44

I think it will be a healing thing, for sure.
Just this morning i texted a little with one of his 4 kids, we all lived together for a few years when we were teens.
She sent me a recent pic of him so i wouldn't be in too much shock when i saw him

He doesn't look as bad as i thought but his eyes are really sunken in and eerie looking. He is definitely a sick man. Years of meth during the day and alcohol to sleep plus smoking. Takes a toll. Even though he stopped the drugs and alcohol a decade ago, the damage was done.

Me personally, i have really been struggling physically. Migraines for the past 3 days. Neck and shoulder pain that's the reason i went back to pain killers.

I'm taking advil. Not sleeping so hot because i can't get comfortable but no cravings at all. I think about it but i wouldn't do it.

I think I'm dealing pretty well considering.

Anna

I'm sorry you have such bad news about your step-father. It sounds like this will be a very difficult and emotional time for you. It might be a good idea for you to have a plan in place for moments when things become too intense. It's great that your husband will be there to support you.

sleepie

Hi Peanut I'm sorry so much is happening with such intensity. It sounds like you are really handling it.

peanut44

I'm trying. I'm getting sick of the headaches tho! I'm guessing it's my bodies way of dealing with stress.