Moving On From Harm Done
p***enger
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Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: NYC
Posts: 19,025
Moving On From Harm Done
Last night my son left the country with a one-way ticket and a 2.5 year work visa.
When he was young, he had the kind of mother who looks like she's there but is really tuned-out because she's so tuned-in to her own fears and resentments -- a control freak and a tightly managed daily drinker.
By the time he was a teenager, his mother had slid into alcoholism, and was more like a ghost wandering the halls, oblivious to him and his life and in denial about her own.
And when he went to college and maybe needed a mother more again than he had in years and years, I took a four-year tailspin to my bottom. During one episode of which, to my shame, he found me on his arrival in town, unable to get out of bed at midday, unable to eat, reeking of liquor, and refusing to let him give me a kiss as a greeting on the pretext of a "bug."
Yesterday I told him just a little about the faults I realize may have affected him, and that I regretted the harm I'd done to those around me by refusing to get help when I should have done it. I told him that I understood he had cause to be angry at me, and blame me for certain things. And that I was trying to learn to be a better person, which includes, I hope, being a better part of his life.
I left my own home when I was 16 years old, and never had a caring, two-way relationship with either one of my parents, both of whom are now dead. My father died drinking and completely incapacitated by disease, a thinking, feeling brain and presumably soul inside a useless body that was fed mainly on gin, ice cream, and soft-boiled eggs. My mother died in the same aloof and opaque way she lived. I missed my last chance to see her before she died, because I skipped a long-overdue visit to her. I was trying to quit drinking, and I didn't think I could be around her and stay sober.
I'd like to try to have a better relationship with my son than I had with my own parents. I'm sober, which they never were (or never were on purpose -- my mother cut back when she couldn't drink and stand up at the same time LOL). Maybe it's possible?
Is there anyone out there who has tried to make amends to an adult child, or had a parent try to make amends to them?
How has it worked out for you all?
When he was young, he had the kind of mother who looks like she's there but is really tuned-out because she's so tuned-in to her own fears and resentments -- a control freak and a tightly managed daily drinker.
By the time he was a teenager, his mother had slid into alcoholism, and was more like a ghost wandering the halls, oblivious to him and his life and in denial about her own.
And when he went to college and maybe needed a mother more again than he had in years and years, I took a four-year tailspin to my bottom. During one episode of which, to my shame, he found me on his arrival in town, unable to get out of bed at midday, unable to eat, reeking of liquor, and refusing to let him give me a kiss as a greeting on the pretext of a "bug."
Yesterday I told him just a little about the faults I realize may have affected him, and that I regretted the harm I'd done to those around me by refusing to get help when I should have done it. I told him that I understood he had cause to be angry at me, and blame me for certain things. And that I was trying to learn to be a better person, which includes, I hope, being a better part of his life.
I left my own home when I was 16 years old, and never had a caring, two-way relationship with either one of my parents, both of whom are now dead. My father died drinking and completely incapacitated by disease, a thinking, feeling brain and presumably soul inside a useless body that was fed mainly on gin, ice cream, and soft-boiled eggs. My mother died in the same aloof and opaque way she lived. I missed my last chance to see her before she died, because I skipped a long-overdue visit to her. I was trying to quit drinking, and I didn't think I could be around her and stay sober.
I'd like to try to have a better relationship with my son than I had with my own parents. I'm sober, which they never were (or never were on purpose -- my mother cut back when she couldn't drink and stand up at the same time LOL). Maybe it's possible?
Is there anyone out there who has tried to make amends to an adult child, or had a parent try to make amends to them?
How has it worked out for you all?
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Join Date: May 2014
Posts: 359
My mother tells me these vague statements along the lines of at some point you have to forgive your parents and then begins alluding to her own child hood and that at least mine was better.
Something like that.
Because she kept the lights on.
I should forgive her I suppose - but thought of forgiving my parents causes the same rage I feel when I realized I haven't forgiven them. Although I do find sometimes I use my own screwed up childhood as an excuse for the way I treat my mother - I rationalize it as okay because x, y, z...which it's not and that ultimately makes me feel like a horrible person.
She also likes to say "I raised my children!" Whenever I ask her for any help whatsoever with my son - the response is always in my mind - "and a damn fine job you did of it!"
I don't think my particular relationship can be repaired - I hope the steps you take will lead to a happier and healthier one with your son.
Something like that.
Because she kept the lights on.
I should forgive her I suppose - but thought of forgiving my parents causes the same rage I feel when I realized I haven't forgiven them. Although I do find sometimes I use my own screwed up childhood as an excuse for the way I treat my mother - I rationalize it as okay because x, y, z...which it's not and that ultimately makes me feel like a horrible person.
She also likes to say "I raised my children!" Whenever I ask her for any help whatsoever with my son - the response is always in my mind - "and a damn fine job you did of it!"
I don't think my particular relationship can be repaired - I hope the steps you take will lead to a happier and healthier one with your son.
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Join Date: Apr 2007
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My mother has never never been a drinker.
She's also not demonstrative, never made an effort to understand me, and it's only been in the last few years that she's tried to be a mother - unfortunately this means worrying about me at a time in my life when I couldn't be more healthy, centred, and doing well.
But I love her for all that. I'm able to see now that she married young and that she regrets all the things she might have been.
Now she's not in great health and she wants to make things right . It's difficult to do that when neither of us wants to talk about the past and neither of us is particularly demonstrative, but there's a lot being spoken in action rather than word and that's ok.
As much as I used to fall back on her and my father's failings as parents as an excuse to drink, the bald fact is I know they did their best, according to what they understood parenting to be.
The point to all this is I understand them better now - noone is a perfect parent, and I was a difficult child to parent for anyone....
if my folks made more mistakes than most?
I still turned out ok.
D
She's also not demonstrative, never made an effort to understand me, and it's only been in the last few years that she's tried to be a mother - unfortunately this means worrying about me at a time in my life when I couldn't be more healthy, centred, and doing well.
But I love her for all that. I'm able to see now that she married young and that she regrets all the things she might have been.
Now she's not in great health and she wants to make things right . It's difficult to do that when neither of us wants to talk about the past and neither of us is particularly demonstrative, but there's a lot being spoken in action rather than word and that's ok.
As much as I used to fall back on her and my father's failings as parents as an excuse to drink, the bald fact is I know they did their best, according to what they understood parenting to be.
The point to all this is I understand them better now - noone is a perfect parent, and I was a difficult child to parent for anyone....
if my folks made more mistakes than most?
I still turned out ok.
D
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Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Toronto
Posts: 3,195
I am an adult child of an alcoholic mother. She was great at managing her drinking. She never drank before 5 pm and it never affected her career. Unfortunately, it was her children whi had to witness everything at home. havent seen my mother without a drink in her hand past 5 pm for about 25 years now.
She is 70. In denial, or just resigned to drink herself to the grave. I was not very good at 'managing' my alcoholism. I am a very destructive drinker where only running out id money or a jail cell can stop me. Thats why I hadto get help. No choice really
Get sober first and foremost. Then things can be rebuilt with your son im sure.
She is 70. In denial, or just resigned to drink herself to the grave. I was not very good at 'managing' my alcoholism. I am a very destructive drinker where only running out id money or a jail cell can stop me. Thats why I hadto get help. No choice really
Get sober first and foremost. Then things can be rebuilt with your son im sure.
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Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 10,912
I don't have exactly the kind of experience you are asking for, but maybe some interesting and somewhat relevant stuff.
Both of my parents were some of the most sober people I have known: they very rarely drank and no more than one or two drinks, never used drugs, did not even smoke... I was in the opposite situation: the alcoholic adult ignoring and neglecting my parents, especially my mother during the last few years of her life. I was living far from my parents geographically at the time and used that as an excuse whenever they brought up the question why I don't visit them and often even skip calls. There was always something: too much work, visa issues, I had to travel elsewhere, etc. My mom's health was failing both psychically and mentally, she struggled with severe depression and was often suicidal. I was at a phase of my alcoholism when it was rapidly escalating, still in gross denial. I thought my excuses were valid. Then one day I received the call that my mom died in her sleep of a heart attack. Instead of thinking much about her, I spent that night with my lover in a hotel room and continued to drink more and more heavily for a few more years. I did go home for the funeral, but I wasn't present at all and spent the entire time secretly (and no so secretly) drinking... I was even intoxicated at the funeral and church ceremony.
My dad's health started to decline seriously just around the time when I got sober (~ 6.5 years after mom's passing) and I dealt with it in an entirely different way, which I reported here on SR in detail over time. Being present to him, making sacrifices from my other activities and helping him whenever I could was one of the best experiences in my life, very transformative and healing and the effect of the times we spent together during that period survives him in me, mentally. I never told him about my drinking and sobriety, but I know he was quite puzzled what might have been going "wrong" in my life during the time when I neglected him (I wasn't like that earlier in life), he was often scared for me and disturbed after some of my drunken calls that he could not figure out. I played around with the idea of coming out to him in a completely transparent way and admitting my struggle with alcohol and that I got sober, but made the decision against this since he was old, in a pretty bad shape both physically and mentally at the time -- it would not have been a good idea to put this burden on him, I think. Especially since his own father was also an alcoholic who abandoned them (three children) and my dad never met him again until very briefly once by his dead bed. But the connection and time we spent together during the last year of his life (which was also my first sober year) was invaluable and deeply fulfilling, I think for both of us. Not classic amends type thing, but it worked out pretty well and I am very glad that I did it that way.
You mentioned, courage, that your son has just moved away for work and that reminds me of much earlier in my life when I did the same thing, and never moved back to my country of origin later. Different part of my story, but my dad and I were estranged quite a bit during the time when I was in high school and college -- this was not related to drinking, but we both were pretty self-absorbed and not open to connecting in a mutually meaningful way emotionally, limiting our relationship to more intellectual exchanges during that time. This changed when I moved to another country and we started to have long conversations on the phone regularly. He opened up to me gradually and told me plenty of things about himself and his life that apparently he had never shared with anyone. Then he started to visit me where I lived, we went on trips together for years. That was the period when we became more like best friends than father-daughter, and that was the relationship which became harmed by my drinking (I started to drink heavily in my early 30's), until I got sober.
Both of my parents were some of the most sober people I have known: they very rarely drank and no more than one or two drinks, never used drugs, did not even smoke... I was in the opposite situation: the alcoholic adult ignoring and neglecting my parents, especially my mother during the last few years of her life. I was living far from my parents geographically at the time and used that as an excuse whenever they brought up the question why I don't visit them and often even skip calls. There was always something: too much work, visa issues, I had to travel elsewhere, etc. My mom's health was failing both psychically and mentally, she struggled with severe depression and was often suicidal. I was at a phase of my alcoholism when it was rapidly escalating, still in gross denial. I thought my excuses were valid. Then one day I received the call that my mom died in her sleep of a heart attack. Instead of thinking much about her, I spent that night with my lover in a hotel room and continued to drink more and more heavily for a few more years. I did go home for the funeral, but I wasn't present at all and spent the entire time secretly (and no so secretly) drinking... I was even intoxicated at the funeral and church ceremony.
My dad's health started to decline seriously just around the time when I got sober (~ 6.5 years after mom's passing) and I dealt with it in an entirely different way, which I reported here on SR in detail over time. Being present to him, making sacrifices from my other activities and helping him whenever I could was one of the best experiences in my life, very transformative and healing and the effect of the times we spent together during that period survives him in me, mentally. I never told him about my drinking and sobriety, but I know he was quite puzzled what might have been going "wrong" in my life during the time when I neglected him (I wasn't like that earlier in life), he was often scared for me and disturbed after some of my drunken calls that he could not figure out. I played around with the idea of coming out to him in a completely transparent way and admitting my struggle with alcohol and that I got sober, but made the decision against this since he was old, in a pretty bad shape both physically and mentally at the time -- it would not have been a good idea to put this burden on him, I think. Especially since his own father was also an alcoholic who abandoned them (three children) and my dad never met him again until very briefly once by his dead bed. But the connection and time we spent together during the last year of his life (which was also my first sober year) was invaluable and deeply fulfilling, I think for both of us. Not classic amends type thing, but it worked out pretty well and I am very glad that I did it that way.
You mentioned, courage, that your son has just moved away for work and that reminds me of much earlier in my life when I did the same thing, and never moved back to my country of origin later. Different part of my story, but my dad and I were estranged quite a bit during the time when I was in high school and college -- this was not related to drinking, but we both were pretty self-absorbed and not open to connecting in a mutually meaningful way emotionally, limiting our relationship to more intellectual exchanges during that time. This changed when I moved to another country and we started to have long conversations on the phone regularly. He opened up to me gradually and told me plenty of things about himself and his life that apparently he had never shared with anyone. Then he started to visit me where I lived, we went on trips together for years. That was the period when we became more like best friends than father-daughter, and that was the relationship which became harmed by my drinking (I started to drink heavily in my early 30's), until I got sober.
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Join Date: May 2015
Location: Eugene Oregon
Posts: 306
I understand what you mean when you say you we'rent there for him. I think I was the same way the last few years I was drinking. I'm just now starting to talk to my daughter again--she's an alcoholic now too though. I never realized it until I quit. I know she's cut back a lot due to having 2 babies 13 months apart, but know her problem isn't really solved. I left her Allen Carr's book last time I went to see her-- she's a reader, so I hope it helps her as much as it helped me. My son I also neglected but he is a wise old man underneath the 24 year old with autism exterior and always will tolerate and forgive his big sister and Mom...:-)
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Join Date: May 2015
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I really feel for you Courage, this is an intense time saying goodbye to your son as he starts his adult life. I guess even parents (mothers) who have been sober would find this tough, BUT we have guilt too.
I have regrets about my relationship with my daughter and how she should have had so much better from me, but luckily she's still home (some of the time), we've talked a lot and she's proud of my sobriety.
We only have now, a sentiment often wisely repeated on this site and you have talked to your son and are sober now. You have said you are to blame for some things and are wanting a better relationship and to be a better mother, you back all of this up by staying sober. Sounds to me like you are doing all you can, the rest might be waiting for him to come to you and making sure you are the best you can be in the meantime.
I wish you well.
xx
I have regrets about my relationship with my daughter and how she should have had so much better from me, but luckily she's still home (some of the time), we've talked a lot and she's proud of my sobriety.
We only have now, a sentiment often wisely repeated on this site and you have talked to your son and are sober now. You have said you are to blame for some things and are wanting a better relationship and to be a better mother, you back all of this up by staying sober. Sounds to me like you are doing all you can, the rest might be waiting for him to come to you and making sure you are the best you can be in the meantime.
I wish you well.
xx
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
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My parents drank together a lot, starting when I was around 12 and going right through to after I left home. Eventually they just petered out because of health and other reasons.
They both held down good jobs and didn't drink to incoherence but their drinking had a negative influence on our family life. My mother got nasty and aggressive when she'd had a few, and Dad just became mellow. In general they went from being good parents to dropping the ball on many aspects of family life. If we said anything there was hell to pay. Looking back as an adult, understanding more, I still think it was inappropriate.
We've had ups and downs in our relationships, and I've forgiven them long ago, but I still remember. Strangely, since my mother developed dementia she's completely lost the nasty side of her personality and there's now genuine warmth between us.
They both held down good jobs and didn't drink to incoherence but their drinking had a negative influence on our family life. My mother got nasty and aggressive when she'd had a few, and Dad just became mellow. In general they went from being good parents to dropping the ball on many aspects of family life. If we said anything there was hell to pay. Looking back as an adult, understanding more, I still think it was inappropriate.
We've had ups and downs in our relationships, and I've forgiven them long ago, but I still remember. Strangely, since my mother developed dementia she's completely lost the nasty side of her personality and there's now genuine warmth between us.
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Join Date: Aug 2014
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First off that is the most beautiful post I've ever read from you & I love your posts
I made & still am making amends to my 21 yr old neice doing what I can to be the best uncle/big brother in the world she was 15 & I was 27 when my mum died and I should have been stronger & a better role model today we have a great relationship & she amazes me all the time
I don't remember my mum ever talking amends talking wasn't big in my family but she would take us cinema, McDonald's, buy us anything & everything In the toy world my mum was big on curtains and new bedding like every couple of months in sobriety my mum was my biggest hero best friend confidant etc
I didn't understand it much as a kid but I learnt to see my mum was an alcoholic by the time I was 11-12 yrs old I accepted it & i was anti alcohol because of it I hated it as a kid
To this day I love my mum there was disagreements there were tears there was intense laughing where we both cried laughing I miss that the most
I would never forgive my mum as there is nothing to forgive I hope she forgives me
My dad is coming round to the idea everyone knows he's alcoholic he knows hopefully soon he will stop as for amends forget about it
I love him he says don't love me don't waste money on a funeral throw me in a skip I'm like skips cost money its weird ass jokes & putdowns from my dad & then yesterday he said I'm the brains of the family ??!!??
Really beautiful thought provoking post I said I wouldn't cry but my eyes got a teeny bit wet but in a good way Thanks XO
I made & still am making amends to my 21 yr old neice doing what I can to be the best uncle/big brother in the world she was 15 & I was 27 when my mum died and I should have been stronger & a better role model today we have a great relationship & she amazes me all the time
I don't remember my mum ever talking amends talking wasn't big in my family but she would take us cinema, McDonald's, buy us anything & everything In the toy world my mum was big on curtains and new bedding like every couple of months in sobriety my mum was my biggest hero best friend confidant etc
I didn't understand it much as a kid but I learnt to see my mum was an alcoholic by the time I was 11-12 yrs old I accepted it & i was anti alcohol because of it I hated it as a kid
To this day I love my mum there was disagreements there were tears there was intense laughing where we both cried laughing I miss that the most
I would never forgive my mum as there is nothing to forgive I hope she forgives me
My dad is coming round to the idea everyone knows he's alcoholic he knows hopefully soon he will stop as for amends forget about it
I love him he says don't love me don't waste money on a funeral throw me in a skip I'm like skips cost money its weird ass jokes & putdowns from my dad & then yesterday he said I'm the brains of the family ??!!??
Really beautiful thought provoking post I said I wouldn't cry but my eyes got a teeny bit wet but in a good way Thanks XO
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Hi Courage
Its hard to tell the level of disrepair your relationship is in with your son. I know as an alcoholic parent all I can do is be honest, stay sober and show my child that I'm turning my life around. Thankfully our relationship doesn't appear to have suffurered...not yet anyway.
As the child of an alcoholic and a very dysfunctional family, I know without a doubt that if either of my parents made even a gesture that they regretted the past, the neglect and emotional abuse, I would be thrilled. I know they both had lousy parents themselves and really did what they knew how to do...which wasn't much. They are much more loving now and kind, although it's a bit late as I'm 50. But I still love them. I guess what I'm saying is, your son is young. I'm sure your recovery, assuming you stay on the right path, will go a long way to repair damage. But of course, you can only control you. What he does is up to him.
Its hard to tell the level of disrepair your relationship is in with your son. I know as an alcoholic parent all I can do is be honest, stay sober and show my child that I'm turning my life around. Thankfully our relationship doesn't appear to have suffurered...not yet anyway.
As the child of an alcoholic and a very dysfunctional family, I know without a doubt that if either of my parents made even a gesture that they regretted the past, the neglect and emotional abuse, I would be thrilled. I know they both had lousy parents themselves and really did what they knew how to do...which wasn't much. They are much more loving now and kind, although it's a bit late as I'm 50. But I still love them. I guess what I'm saying is, your son is young. I'm sure your recovery, assuming you stay on the right path, will go a long way to repair damage. But of course, you can only control you. What he does is up to him.
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I am so sorry that you are going through this. I started drinking when my kids were 16 and 18 and it continued for a few years. It took a lot of time and patience on my part and compassion on their part to make things work out, but things are good now.
On another note, my mother was an alcoholic and was very abusive to me all my life. She never did try to change, ever. I had to distance myself from her permanently in order to save myself. I think if you continue your sobriety and try to keep in contact with your son (via email or skype), hopefully things will improve. This is so hard, I do understand, but you can only do what you can do.
On another note, my mother was an alcoholic and was very abusive to me all my life. She never did try to change, ever. I had to distance myself from her permanently in order to save myself. I think if you continue your sobriety and try to keep in contact with your son (via email or skype), hopefully things will improve. This is so hard, I do understand, but you can only do what you can do.
p***enger
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Thanks for all your generous replies so far. I'll read them again & again.
Frickaflip -- thanks for this: "I know without a doubt that if either of my parents made even a gesture that they regretted the past, the neglect and emotional abuse, I would be thrilled. " -- that's part of what motivated me. Even if I can't be of much help to my son in the real struggles he'll face because of life, who he is, and because of baggage I laid on him -- I've tried to open a door that I would have appreciated being open for me. I probably would have slammed it in my own parents' faces, but it would have been nice to see it open.
I don't expect this parenting thing will get any easier. I'm on the downward slope and he's on the ascending. My guilt and his anger will only make the next decades very ugly if we don't do anything to move on beyond them. I'm willing to do what I can, by staying sober and continuing to reach out to him respectfully and with as much real help & kindness as I'm capable.
Soberwolf, this stuff makes me cry, too. There aren't a lot of things I care about, but jeez, that family stuff is in your bones, right? The good, the bad, and the ugly.
Anna, I respect the courage and suffering of you & others who've had to complete cut off relations with a parent. I didn't cut myself off from my parents -- I just distanced myself & tried to out-drink them.
I hope my son never needs to end contact with me.
Frickaflip -- thanks for this: "I know without a doubt that if either of my parents made even a gesture that they regretted the past, the neglect and emotional abuse, I would be thrilled. " -- that's part of what motivated me. Even if I can't be of much help to my son in the real struggles he'll face because of life, who he is, and because of baggage I laid on him -- I've tried to open a door that I would have appreciated being open for me. I probably would have slammed it in my own parents' faces, but it would have been nice to see it open.
I don't expect this parenting thing will get any easier. I'm on the downward slope and he's on the ascending. My guilt and his anger will only make the next decades very ugly if we don't do anything to move on beyond them. I'm willing to do what I can, by staying sober and continuing to reach out to him respectfully and with as much real help & kindness as I'm capable.
Soberwolf, this stuff makes me cry, too. There aren't a lot of things I care about, but jeez, that family stuff is in your bones, right? The good, the bad, and the ugly.
Anna, I respect the courage and suffering of you & others who've had to complete cut off relations with a parent. I didn't cut myself off from my parents -- I just distanced myself & tried to out-drink them.
I hope my son never needs to end contact with me.
p***enger
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Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: NYC
Posts: 19,025
Originally Posted by Dee74 
I was a difficult child to parent for anyone....
Seriously, I don't hold on to much anger at my parents anymore, although I can dig it up if I want to go on an emotional bender LOL. But it makes me very sad that I have to go back in mind to the early 1970s to think of a time when it seems likely we were all sober in the same place at the same time.
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http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...16882-1976.jpg
Hi courage,
A couple of days ago my sister sent me that picture. I'm the stern kid with arms folded. I don't like looking at it but want to at the same time. I felt secure when that picture was taken in 1976 and it makes me sad to think what the years had in store for that family. Not many years later my father found another woman (and her two very young kids) to which he gave his time and resources both emotional and financial. Not long after that when I was mid teens he and my mom divorced and he moved on to be the dad in another household. I hated seeing my mom hurt and set out to prove that I didn't need anything from him. All through college, graduate school and professional school I had little contact with him and developed a seething resentment. With time he began to reach out to me.....said he was 'proud' of me. Ah hah...I had the power now and set about punishing him by excluding him from my life and that of my young family. I was going to make him feel just like I did when I needed him.
But what's this?....my siblings began to have a relationship with him and I was the only one maintaining the bitterness and at the same time coveted what they had. Ultimately it was my mom that said something along the lines of 'if I can get over it, so can you'.
My cold and hardened heart developed a crack despite myself. My dad had expressed his regret of mistakes made and inability to change the past. He had matured and so did I. Slowly things changed and ultimately we had a great relationship and when he died a few years ago I was holding his hand. I knew I was loved and so grateful for this peace I have about it all.
It took a long time for me to see that deciding to let the bitterness of the past go did not mean I agreed with him, it was just moving on. I really relate to the post above by FarToGo that you have done what you can for now. Keep doing it. Your son will see this and take notice though it may not feel that way for a while. My dad's consistency finally got through to me.
I hope you can find some peace with it all. Consider yourself hugged by this southern boy.
Hi courage,
A couple of days ago my sister sent me that picture. I'm the stern kid with arms folded. I don't like looking at it but want to at the same time. I felt secure when that picture was taken in 1976 and it makes me sad to think what the years had in store for that family. Not many years later my father found another woman (and her two very young kids) to which he gave his time and resources both emotional and financial. Not long after that when I was mid teens he and my mom divorced and he moved on to be the dad in another household. I hated seeing my mom hurt and set out to prove that I didn't need anything from him. All through college, graduate school and professional school I had little contact with him and developed a seething resentment. With time he began to reach out to me.....said he was 'proud' of me. Ah hah...I had the power now and set about punishing him by excluding him from my life and that of my young family. I was going to make him feel just like I did when I needed him.
But what's this?....my siblings began to have a relationship with him and I was the only one maintaining the bitterness and at the same time coveted what they had. Ultimately it was my mom that said something along the lines of 'if I can get over it, so can you'.
My cold and hardened heart developed a crack despite myself. My dad had expressed his regret of mistakes made and inability to change the past. He had matured and so did I. Slowly things changed and ultimately we had a great relationship and when he died a few years ago I was holding his hand. I knew I was loved and so grateful for this peace I have about it all.
It took a long time for me to see that deciding to let the bitterness of the past go did not mean I agreed with him, it was just moving on. I really relate to the post above by FarToGo that you have done what you can for now. Keep doing it. Your son will see this and take notice though it may not feel that way for a while. My dad's consistency finally got through to me.
I hope you can find some peace with it all. Consider yourself hugged by this southern boy.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,366
Hi Courage
I guess I was trying to say this without saying it - but I know you're a good kind and sensitive person who really does care about stuff.
I think your son probably knows that too
D
I guess I was trying to say this without saying it - but I know you're a good kind and sensitive person who really does care about stuff.
I think your son probably knows that too
D
Member
Join Date: Oct 2015
Posts: 2,393
Originally Posted by Frickaflip233
Hi Courage
As the child of an alcoholic and a very dysfunctional family, I know without a doubt that if either of my parents made even a gesture that they regretted the past, the neglect and emotional abuse, I would be thrilled. I know they both had lousy parents themselves and really did what they knew how to do...which wasn't much. They are much more loving now and kind...
As the child of an alcoholic and a very dysfunctional family, I know without a doubt that if either of my parents made even a gesture that they regretted the past, the neglect and emotional abuse, I would be thrilled. I know they both had lousy parents themselves and really did what they knew how to do...which wasn't much. They are much more loving now and kind...
In my completely humble and narrow opinion, the only amends a child ever really needs or deserves, and the only amends a parent can actually make, is for the parent to be healthy/happy with a healthy/happy interest in the child.
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Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: The Deep South
Posts: 14,636
My mom tried to make amends a few times, and ultimately failed. I always did appreciate any attempt on her part to repair things, unfortunately much of it was lip service, and promises she couldn't fulfill, because of the deeply entrenched addiction, of course.
I know, deep down, underneath the addiction, there was a wonderful person there who loved me more than anything in the world.
I know, deep down, underneath the addiction, there was a wonderful person there who loved me more than anything in the world.
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