Clownbaby

What makes you think you want to use...that you need to...or that you "deserve" it?

"A healthy attitude is contagious but don't wait to catch it from others. Be a carrier."~Tom Stoppard

Venecia

The circular reasoning of "I deserve" can be pretty common, especially in early sobriety.

There have been a few occasions when I've responded to someone that it's pure AV speak. And that we deserve better.

There also have been times I've read "I deserve" and gotten the distinct impression that the poster was looking for an excuse and found one that came in handy.

Sometimes, it's hard to tell the difference.

And at the end of the day, though, the distinction doesn't matter because the consequences are the same: not sober.

FreeOwl

We DO deserve better!!

We DESERVE a better life than that which drinking offers us.

Igor94

When I have been sober it starts with me wishing I could use. Wishing I could use like so many of my peers, coworkers, and family. I am in the same social circles as them, have a job like them, make plenty of money, am in good health, etc. So I feel almost resentful that I shouldn't be able to use when I am otherwise the same as them. They get relaxation and enjoyment from it, so why shouldn't I?!

That leads to rationalizations about if I could possibly use without major consequences. My rational brain tells me how horrible it would be, but my alcoholic brain tells me I can get drunk just one night and then stop, or just have a drink out at dinner with friends without it causing a complete relapse. Years of experience have proven the alcoholic part of my brain to be wrong in every case, but it keeps on talking.

leviathan

I drank plenty. Now I figure I deserve peace of mind. I earned it.

When these (thankfully brief) resentments pop up, I remind myself that its just pride stinging a little. I very rarely miss being hammered and all that entails.

Soberwolf

AV/Addiction/Alcoholism

I enjoy destroying my AV at any opportunity it arises

Dee74

In recovery I learned exactly what I deserved - happiness, peace, good health and
a little joie d'vivre.

It was the exact opposite of what a bottle of booze could give me

D

sobriiestote

AV, definitely and entertaining it's thoughts and ideas, mine at present...

I'm thinking I've done so well with 46 days, perhaps I can have a "day off"?

Can I drink one night and not fall back into old habits?

Can I enjoy a bottle of wine one more time but not have it leave me craving for more and back where I started?

Surely I wasn't that bad?

I'm listening to this an Audible at the moment and there is a chapter how thinking about controlled drinking and moderation is normal but highly highly unlikely to ever be possible...

Do I want to try one last time?

I don't know. I know I don't want to end up back where I started, I know I don't want to negate all the hard work I've done, I know I don't want to let down all those doctors who encouraged and supported me in the beginning...

Dee74

I've never regretted quitting when I did, but I do regret not quitting sooner, Fuzzy.
Kick that AV where it hurts.

D

sobriiestote

Yes, I think my thoughts of drinking are because I feel like "a normal person" now.

I have to remember all my history of drinking was far from "normal" and so any future involving drinking will also never be "normal".

AV = take that.

Clownbaby

Yes, fuzzy! I feel "normal" now but I am experiencing a lot of "ditziness " now..if you will. I keep forgetting things...and making stupid decisions...I don't understand why this is worsening for me...you would think I'd be more functional now...? I find myself wondering if booze would get me back in gear. Maybe I try harder drunk because I have to overcompensate...I don't know...I'm just tired of feeling like an idiot and I really want an ice cold hard cider. Sorry. It sucks. Yesterday I cleaned the house and that is definitely one of my triggers.... " I deserve a beer in my nice clean house" "I'm the only one who cleans around here...I should be able to have a beer!" There are also members of the fam who stress me out enough to make me want to drink... I don't know how to handle these "triggers" and my current stake of "oopsiness"...LOL thanks for your input, everyone !
"A healthy attitude is contagious but don't wait to catch it from others. Be a carrier."~Tom Stoppard

Soberwolf

I once went shopping and walked home with bags that were so heavy I had to stop every few feet you know what happened when I got home yep I thought I deserved a drink (this was in the 3 months of trying to get & stay sober) I was knackered and for that the rational was have a drink not tea not a hot bath not a book or cd but a half bottle of vodka

The AV will tell you anything crush it with gratitude

sobriiestote

Hi Clownbaby, we're both struggling a bit aren't we? I feel fine in the morning, it just creeps up during the day...

I know what you mean about ditzy, yesterday I lost the keys to the office filing cabinet and for 5 minutes I felt panicked and flustered but then I rationalised with myself "you haven't drunk in 6 weeks, you're not hungover, they're here somewhere..." I found them within 5 minutes. Even if stuff like that still happens at least we're not drunk or hungover, that's got to be better.

I haven't got a cleaning urge yet, shame as my house is a tip, lol!

PurpleKnight

There's a part to this that is the real side of addiction, those thoughts come from a place of fantasy and fairytale, where the numbers don't add up when looked at very closely.

But if our addiction can get away with it'll try to sell to us all the great and wonderful reasons as to why a drink would be a good idea after a "hard week at work", why we deserve that "cold beer on a warm Saturday afternoon", phrases like "isn't that what everyone does? go on enjoy yourself, go on you've been Sober for a while now, 1 drink won't hurt surely?"

The way forward is therefore figuring out how to deal with life without alcohol, and it's not easy adjusting from years of alcohol, but it can be done, new stress relievers, more tools in the toolbox of life other than a bottle.

Hang in there!!