emme99

Hi everyone,

I know some people are probably tired of seeing my posts and trust me, I am tired of me too however I need to try this one more time. I have been primarily in the June class and then tried to join the August and September classes but failed both times. I don’t really want to join a class because I am tired of failing. Maybe I might join November’s class, however I need to get myself back on track first.

I am posting because for the last, I am not even really sure how long, 3 or 4 weeks I have been drinking heavily every day and I feel like I have lost my will to want to completely be sober. Deep down, I know I do, but it is difficult to imagine never taking a drink again. I am at a place in my life that I feel like I have no control over anything in my life. Everything, from my job, my finances, my health (mine & a family member), my drinking, my eating/diet, everything feels out of my control. Nothing feels like it is where it should be and I don’t know how to get things back on track. I think the cause for a lot of how I am feeling is my drinking and I need to try to stop one more time.

I don’t feel very motivated, but I can’t keep going like this. Something has to change. I think about suicide all of the time, daily, multiple times, every single day. I have thought about it for many, many years and overdosed once but it was a half-hearted attempt and nobody even knows. I always thought, even though I thought about it a lot, I would never actually do it, but I am starting to feel like it might really be my only option to stop this cycle that I am on. I don’t want to, don’t get me wrong, but I don’t feel like I have much strength left in me to fight this anymore. And I am tired of trying to fight this. I wake up every morning sick and tell myself this is it, I am done, and by the end of the day I am drinking again just like the day before. I can’t do it anymore.

I don’t know what I am even looking for here. I guess for someone just to tell me that I can do it because I am not sure I can. I am scared of failing again. I know everyone talks about a plan. My plan is to not drink, and when I feel like drinking go for a walk or if I can’t with winter fast approaching, call someone or walk on the treadmill. I do have some hobbies I enjoy that I am going to try to get more involved in to keep myself occupied and my mind off drinking. And also coming here as often as needed. That is all I know to do.

Sorry for the long post. I am hoping to get rid of the alcohol I have left so I can start fresh tomorrow. Thank you for listening~

getright15

Well everything you said I can relate with. I'm still very early in my recovery but I know exactly how you feel. I too was suicidal and gave up all hope in everything including myself. Its not easy realizing you can't drink again, but you have to look at it from a different perspective like I can't drink today. Worry about today and today only. You doom yourself by thinking NEVER again. I joined an out patient treatment after my last alcohol related arrest. Maybe look into something like that as it's been really helpful for me. One thing at a time one day at a time. It won't be easy but you have to be the one to make the choice that it stops now and not tomorrow.

Dee74

Take it from me , noones tired of you - and I think it's your addictive voice thats telling you it's embarrassing to fail and stopping you from joining a Class.

Everyone here knows how you feel cos we've been there

If you need any help trying to figure out what's next this is a good place to get that advice

If you're feeling really low please do check out these readings and crisis numbers.
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ease-read.html

The first steps to a solution to your pain lies in not drinking anymore Emme
Give your recovery everything you have - you can do this Emme

Lorax1981

I'm rootin for you and sending some love from Oregon. Please throw suicide off the table as an option okay? Baby steps are good, turn down one drink, than another. Don't think about forever, just say "pass" on the drink for a few days, then a few more. Gotta kinda let it happen... Just relax and let sober happen. It'll gain steam as you turn down each drink or craving. Don't ever worry about posting too much or joining too many classes or whatever. Other issues can start to be addressed as you begin to heal in sobriety. Take care.
-Ted

Soberwolf

Emme no one is tired of you don't beat yourself up you can do this your not alone you have us you can msg me night or day

No one is tired of you at all

doggonecarl

Not sure what you've been doing for your recovery besides coming to SR, but it doesn't seem to be enough. Are you in an area large enough to have any alcohol support services? Any AA meetings? You need help.

If you want to feel in control of your life, your recovery, start taking action to do something about it. Anything, even if your first thought is opposition to the idea, it is still doing something...taking control. Not letting your drinking control you.

ast1

You can do it!

JD

Hey emme, welcome back. Don't get tired of posting here. We've all been in your shoes before. Quitting is hard but keep trying. It is so worth it.

thomas11

I agree with others, no one is tired of you. Please understand you are not alone in your feelings, as Dee said, we've all been there. Its not a pleasant place to be but it can be overcome. I don't know if this will help you but there are people out there now that are "life coaches". When I first heard of it, I thought it was a joke as I am a fiercely independent person. But I got to know one through a business group I was in, and they have tremendous value for the right person. Maybe you could explore that as an option. When you think about suicide, is it when you are drunk? I thought about it way more than I should have, but I always did when drunk. It wasn't me doing the thinking. Even had it planned out. Please take that option off the table. As someone else mentioned, try to tackle one thing at a time. Baby steps. The first would be getting sober. That's it for this week, just get sober. Then think about the next step. I wish you the best.

BeBetterforkids

Hi Emme - once you stop drinking, everything else will fall into place! Believe me! I would drink because I thought my life was crazy and once I stopped - everything was easier and "in control". Once I got past a few days and started feeling better - my head was clear and I realized that everything WAS out of control because of the drinking. Give yourself another shot! Life is better sober. I remember reading all these posts in the same position as you and not believing that me, myself and I could feel as good as these people! Now I am one of them and I'm so much happier! Don't give up !!

Ruby2

Hi Emme, you can do it. Don't think about it as forever, think about it as one day. Don't drink today.

If you can't quit on your own, consider rehab. I checked myself in for two weeks despite having work, family, obligations, etc. My sobriety came first because all the other stuff will only be more difficult if I still drink.

The first step in AA is "we admitted to ourselves that we were powerless over alcohol, that our lives had become unmanageable." My life was unmanageable because of the drinking. Once I stopped and my judgement wasn't so cloudy, my life improved.

Keep trying and start mustering support. Not many people succeed doing it alone. Safety in numbers.

Kaily

I can completely empathise with you, motivation is so easily lost!

Hope you can find a path through the wilderness..still looking for mine x

Stubbs16

Oh emme, I know how you feel. Ive failed, done ok, failed again, so very often. Its damn hard, but we have to keep trying. Nobody is sick of you, but I know you feel that way, because I feel the same.

Everybody here is trying, some are making it faster then others, but the facts you are still here and wanting sobriety is a very good sign. Keep reaching out, here, or wherever you feel most comfortable seeking help. Its such a blessing we are not alone in this, and we all understand. Dont ever give up.

Nonsensical

Point 1:
Your AV wrote the first sentence and YOU wrote the second one. You know exactly what you need to do, but your AV doesn't want you to believe it. I have one of those, too. They are crafty bastadges.

Point 2:
Go back and replace the word fail with the word learn in your original post. There are no failures posting on this forum. The failures wander off and are never heard from again. You are here. It's a start.

Point 3:
Change is possible, therefore hope is reasonable.
You can do this!

emme99

Thank you everyone for your responses. I appreciate the support, it helps me not feel so alone.
The alcohol is gone and I am trying to make today a new start.

getright & Ruby - I do need to practice the one day at a time thing, it is hard. My therapist referred me to an IOP treatment program. I am considering it. Getitright I am glad yours has been helpful.

Dee & soberwolf - thank you as always for your support and encouragement

Lorax - "Relax & let sober happen" thanks, I need to remember this. I am always so worried about everything and reading that gave me some comfort.

doggonecarl - I am using SR and going to therapy. There are AA meetings where I am. I went to one meeting I know I should try it again.

ast1 & jd, thank you so much for your support

Thomas - I have seen a life coach in the past but it has been 2 years since I saw her. She is a medium too, it was interesting. I really liked her. I think about suicide both drunk and sober, although it is worse when I am drunk. About a month prior to joining SR, I planned everything out. It is not what I want though, it just sometimes feels like it might be the only way out of the situation I am in.

BeBetterforkids – thanks, I think you are right. I think my drinking is the root cause of a lot of the things wrong in my life and I am hopeful things will improve once I stop.

Kaily – thank you and I am keeping you in my thoughts

Maximus – thanks for your support and I am glad you are back.

Nonsensical – thank you, everything you said makes sense and I will remember it.

ccam1973

Good job on coming back and trying again Emme. Like the others have said, no one is getting tired of you and you should most definitely not feel embarrassed for continuing to fight this addiction.

In another thread, ScottfromWI said "The only time that matters is THIS time" regarding attempts to get and stay sober.

I'll use it here... this is the only time that matters. Forget about yesterday and focus on today. You can't do anything about the past, but you can re-define your life moving forward.

I spent years and years waking up telling myself that I wasn't going to drink that night... and every single night I was drinking heavily again. I never took a day off; not for holidays, kids birthdays, church events, school events, you name it and I was drinking.

I finally accepted I have a problem and it is no one's fault but my own. Now that I accept I can't drink, I focus on not drinking today. If you don't drink today, tomorrow will fall into place. Life will never be perfect, but we are so much further away when we are drinking.

Dig deep and envision what you want from your life. You have the power to create that vision but it can't happen if you are drinking.

Lean on us as much as you need. We have all been exactly where you are at in this process.