overthis

My husband worked late last night and when he finally got home he had two bottles of beer with him. He said he bought one for me in case I wanted one because he needed a beer himself. He is not an alcoholic and I am OK with him drinking around me eventually. However, he knows that I'm only on day 5 of being sober. On day one, I had a huge heart to heart with him about all of my drinking and he helped me pour out 12 cans of beer and a bottle of wine. I feel upset and disappointed that he would offer me a beer. I know that my drunk self would have freaked out on him if he ever bought alcohol only for himself so maybe he just doesn't believe that I am done? I am proud of myself for saying no. I haven't looked in the fridge yet but really hope he drank them both himself.

biminiblue

Other people really don't understand. He's probably going on habit from the past and maybe thinking you weren't really serious..(?)

Good job not having any. Stick with it, you'll never be sorry you didn't drink.

Nonsensical

Great job on staying strong!

Just tell him you understand he was trying to be polite, but the best thing he can do to be helpful is if he wouldn't offer you anything to drink.

The alcoholic living in my head never wanted to effectively communicate. It would much rather I just let the resentment fester so that I could justify getting another drink. Don't let yours play that game with you!

You are doing this!

DirtyHippie

I experienced the same with my wife last summer when I quit for almost two full months. I had told her what I was doing, but she just didn't belive it. In some degree of fairness, I had always been a drinker in the 12 years since she and I had met. She didn't know another me. I don't think she was ready to envision such a change in our lifestyle. My lifestyle directly, but hers, as well, indirectly.

I was struggling with my own doubts, the last thing I needed was her doubts creeping into my head, too. I eventually let the doubts get the better of me, and resumed my old ways.

So, at the onset of my current effort, I had an "official" and far more serious discussion with her about this exact issue. Told her just what I've said above. She now has a much clearer understanding of the seriousness and difficulty of what I'm doing, and is being completely supportive.

Consider having a 2nd sit-down with your husband, and making sure he absolutely grasps your intent. My wife no longer offers me booze. Hopefully, your husband will "get it" too, and stop unknowingly trying to sabotage you.

LBrain

I agree with the above posters. I will add that you should let him know - in a sensible manner - that you were upset over it. And that perhaps he consider not drinking around you for the time being.

I see a lot where some of the advice offered is qualified with "they just don't understand it (addiction)," or words to that effect.

I think it would be beneficial to educate our people on addiction so they have a better understanding of what we are going through. An article or small publication that really explains it. Not a "book" per se, but rather something that would take five or ten minutes to read. Something with impact.

Best wishes.

Another post while I was typing - yes DirtyHippie, good advice.

ardy

and then again .. maybe he was being nice. and wanted to share.. good heart just wrong path.. hugs and prayers.. remember he is a man.. and they forget.. or just try and end up in the rough.. yep..

Carver

Well done for resisting that unexpected shock.

Others just don't get it. On many of my previous attempts to get sober, i was usually irritable (those attempts were doomed from the start), she'd say something like "I'm fed up with you being like this. Go and get a bottle of rum." And my AV would say "Alrighty then!"

Or she would buy me some while she was out, because it was just habit.

The only person who controls your sobriety is you.

Needachangenow

Great job sticking to your guns. The last time I tried to get sober, my husband fought me tooth and nail. He said that it was fine for a little while, but not all the time right?? He is a drinker too, and probably didn't like the idea of not having a drinking buddy. This time, thankfully, he is on board with me. It is much easier going it together.
He sounds like his intentions were not bad. Have another heart to heart about what you are really intending. It may just need some constant reinforcement.
Best of luck to you.

overthis

Thank you for all the good advice/insight. I need to work on my communication skills instead of holding in all my feelings. I will have a discussion with him again tonight about it. We have been together 11 years since we were 18 so he has seen me through all of my alcoholism so this will be a huge adjustment for him, as well.

KidsEverywhere

I am sure that day is coming for me as well. I chose not to make a big deal to my wife about not drinking and I have been eating good too. She has been bragging to her friends and family about me being on a health kick and he is even not drinking! We will probably go out for dinner and she will ask if we want a pitcher of margarita or bottle of wine. I will just tell her I am keeping my streak intact and over time, I expect she just won't ask or when i say no, it will be like passing on dessert- which I almost alway pass on.

Anna

You've gotten good advice here, so try to focus on you and your recovery. You may find that your husband is afraid of the changes that will come along. It's pretty common to fear change. But, you know that you're on the right track.

ccam1973

Great job staying strong Overthis. I know from experience, that's hard to do when your spouse drinks.

I agree with Anna and the others, maybe your husband is a bit afraid of change. Or maybe he just didn't want to upset you by not buying any for you. Either way, you need to let him know how you felt. For those without a problem, they don't realize how incredibly hard this is for us. Each time we are tempted, we are playing Russian Roulette with our AV. It's much easier if you can completely avoid that temptation all together.

Although my wife drank when I first quit, I made it clear to her I wasn't drinking and she didn't need to buy me any more alcohol.

You're doing great. Hang in there!

Berrybean

Maybe suggest something else he could get you if he wants to get you a treat when he's getting himself something. That way he won't feel like he's leaving you out.

Those normies, they just can't get their heads round it

dcg

He likely was protecting his bottle or wanting to keep the peace. Had he come home with one bottle and you had fallen off the wagon, then you might have freaked like you said you would have done in the past.

He figures if he brings home two, then he's safe - he doesn't have to give you his bottle and/or he doesn't have to get yelled at. His fault was in not understanding that if you were still on the wagon, then it will probably be a temptation. He likely figures if you're done, you're done, so no harm in bringing home the second bottle. Tell him this is not the case.

overthis

Yes, I think he figured if I was done drinking then I was done drinking and if not then he would have a drink ready for me so he wouldn't be in the dog house.

Everyone's responses have made me realize that he isn't out to sabotage me. It is hard to explain to him how alcohol has so much control over me at this point and how difficult it is for me to say no.

DaisyBee

I've learned over the years that some people don't feel comfortable with a change in the dynamic. Even though alcohol in the dynamic is unhealthy, it is/was the normal and to disrupt that can cause some insecurities. The same thing happens sometimes with partners who are attempting to lose weight.

Just my two cents.

Nonsensical

If you figure out how to communicate that to a normie you need to spread the word to the rest of us, ASAP. I don't think it's ever been done before.

My emotions were all over the place the first few weeks. Hang on tight, OT!