If I was a drunk, I wouldn't have to deal with this.
Its a cold and its a broken hallelujah.
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 2,887
If I was a drunk, I wouldn't have to deal with this.
Warning : Enter at your own risk.
Guess who is sick again ? Mothers back went out. Bedridden again. Her last two care takers she drove away because of her relenting nastiness. So it was like she was just WAITING for me to get my daughter off and finish my commitment so she could get me allllll to herself.
So here she expecting me to come to her aid. Cook, clean and care for her. Only problem is that it drives me to drink. Literally.
So here I'm sitting, and thinking (uh oh) if I was a **** up, and a drunk and an addict like she made me when she drank profusely while pregnant with me, who would play mother to her then ? I mean, after all, that's how she made me. And shaped me. And formed me growing up.
Then she drove my sister to overdose and my father to drink himself to death.
And I'm bitter as all hell.
And I'm flirting with......well.....you know.
Screaming F it.
F it all.
I'm in a seriously scarey place and begging for guidance.
Thanks.
Guess who is sick again ? Mothers back went out. Bedridden again. Her last two care takers she drove away because of her relenting nastiness. So it was like she was just WAITING for me to get my daughter off and finish my commitment so she could get me allllll to herself.
So here she expecting me to come to her aid. Cook, clean and care for her. Only problem is that it drives me to drink. Literally.
So here I'm sitting, and thinking (uh oh) if I was a **** up, and a drunk and an addict like she made me when she drank profusely while pregnant with me, who would play mother to her then ? I mean, after all, that's how she made me. And shaped me. And formed me growing up.
Then she drove my sister to overdose and my father to drink himself to death.
And I'm bitter as all hell.
And I'm flirting with......well.....you know.
Screaming F it.
F it all.
I'm in a seriously scarey place and begging for guidance.
Thanks.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 25,373
Oh, AO.
It may be time for her to put on her big girl panties and find her own way.
This is not your responsibility. Protect yourself and your sobriety at all costs - you are important to us and you deserve peace. She is capable of using a phone for take out and laundry service.
It may be time for her to put on her big girl panties and find her own way.
This is not your responsibility. Protect yourself and your sobriety at all costs - you are important to us and you deserve peace. She is capable of using a phone for take out and laundry service.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: Upper Midwest
Posts: 1,730
AO, you don't have to go back to those places. Figuratively or literally. Seriously, you don't. You chart your own path. And knowing what the consequences have been for you in the past, why would you choose to go back there? You have come too far.
Yes, family is family. But that doesn't obligate you to jump, whenever the phone rings.
Sometimes, "no" is the right answer.
Yes, family is family. But that doesn't obligate you to jump, whenever the phone rings.
Sometimes, "no" is the right answer.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2015
Location: California
Posts: 1,428
Originally Posted by biminiblue 
Oh, AO.
It may be time for her to put on her big girl panties and find her own way.
This is not your responsibility. Protect yourself and your sobriety at all costs - you are important to us and you deserve peace. She is capable of using a phone for take out and laundry service.
It may be time for her to put on her big girl panties and find her own way.
This is not your responsibility. Protect yourself and your sobriety at all costs - you are important to us and you deserve peace. She is capable of using a phone for take out and laundry service.
It's hard, no one can guilt trip like a toxic parent, but perhaps it's time to take a breather from her? Wishing you the best
Member
Join Date: Jun 2015
Location: California
Posts: 1,428
Originally Posted by alphaomega
There's no one else. No one.
She can't even order herself at GD PIZZA. I'm not even kidding. Can't.
If I survive her, sober, it will be a miracle.
She can't even order herself at GD PIZZA. I'm not even kidding. Can't.
If I survive her, sober, it will be a miracle.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: Gulf Coast, USA
Posts: 2,229
AO, I'm with the others on this one. As hard as it might be, you are no good to yourself with this level of stress on you. You have got to take care of yourself first.
Bottom line, drinking won't solve this... you know it won't make anything better. Your AV wants you to believe differently, but it's a lie.
Bottom line, drinking won't solve this... you know it won't make anything better. Your AV wants you to believe differently, but it's a lie.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: East Coast USA
Posts: 120,855
Dear, AO. Protecting your hard earned sobriety needs to remain your first priority. Allowing yourself to fall back into alcoholism is not an option.
Could you interview a caregiving or nursing service and find a caregiver for your mother? If your Mom could be admitted to the hospital for her back (and stays a minimum of three nights), Medicare should pay for a rehab stay to get back on her feet or for visiting home nurses.
Hugs to you.
Could you interview a caregiving or nursing service and find a caregiver for your mother? If your Mom could be admitted to the hospital for her back (and stays a minimum of three nights), Medicare should pay for a rehab stay to get back on her feet or for visiting home nurses.
Hugs to you.
Its a cold and its a broken hallelujah.
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 2,887
I know it won't. I do. But I can't help but think it might be my ticket to finally be free of her.
Drunks aren't expected to have to do for others right ? Can't be expected to care for somebody when you are laying in a gutter and YOU NEED ALL THE HELP.
Maybe after a good bender I could head off to rehab.
For a year.
Damn. I'm in a dark place.
Drunks aren't expected to have to do for others right ? Can't be expected to care for somebody when you are laying in a gutter and YOU NEED ALL THE HELP.
Maybe after a good bender I could head off to rehab.
For a year.
Damn. I'm in a dark place.
Forum Leader
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Wisconsin, USA
Posts: 16,945
Originally Posted by alphaomega
I know it won't. I do. But I can't help but think it might be my ticket to finally be free of her.
Drunks aren't expected to have to do for others right ? Can't be expected to care for somebody when you are laying in a gutter and YOU NEED ALL THE HELP.
Maybe after a good bender I could head off to rehab.
For a year.
Damn. I'm in a dark place.
Drunks aren't expected to have to do for others right ? Can't be expected to care for somebody when you are laying in a gutter and YOU NEED ALL THE HELP.
Maybe after a good bender I could head off to rehab.
For a year.
Damn. I'm in a dark place.
Yes, your mothers problems are real but she CAN and WILL find another option if you tell her no. And that is what you must do.
quat
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: terra (mostly)firma
Posts: 4,822
Right now today, those are the only two options ?
Nobody has the right to make you feel you have to put yourself into a toxic situation. Who or what is making you think that? Finding alternative means of providing your mother the care she may need may be difficult , practically and emotionally, but not impossible. Doing it yourself or the gutter ?
Even if not doing it yourself is hard, doing will probably be harder.
You can't change or fix her , but you did change and fix yourself, don't undo it.
Stay fixed, no matter what , you deserve and can do it
Nobody has the right to make you feel you have to put yourself into a toxic situation. Who or what is making you think that? Finding alternative means of providing your mother the care she may need may be difficult , practically and emotionally, but not impossible. Doing it yourself or the gutter ?
Even if not doing it yourself is hard, doing will probably be harder.
You can't change or fix her , but you did change and fix yourself, don't undo it.
Stay fixed, no matter what , you deserve and can do it
orangutan
Join Date: Feb 2011
Posts: 5,970
AO , I think you need to sit your mother down and explain that, for your own physical and mental health you can not do this any more, she has had other help before and she will get more . Be kind to yourself. Take care.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 25,373
Give her a piece of paper with phone numbers, you know - 911, Dominoes, Chinese take out, a transportation service.
I'm calling you out on this one. She is perfectly capable of dialing a phone for food or a ride. There are plenty of "help" services. Give her the numbers and leave it at that. Tell her outright that you cannot be her helper.
Come on, girl. Do this thing, and stop stressing yourself out.
I have had to fend for myself 100% for the last 16 years since my last family member died. I'm in my sixties. I'm fine!! There is plenty of help out there.
I'm calling you out on this one. She is perfectly capable of dialing a phone for food or a ride. There are plenty of "help" services. Give her the numbers and leave it at that. Tell her outright that you cannot be her helper.
Come on, girl. Do this thing, and stop stressing yourself out.
I have had to fend for myself 100% for the last 16 years since my last family member died. I'm in my sixties. I'm fine!! There is plenty of help out there.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: OZ
Posts: 2,055
Sometimes when everything in our life feels awful and consuming we have to reach for the strawberries in our lives. All the good stuff.
AO reach out to all the things that are good. All the things that you have achieved, all the work you have done..all the wonderful people in your life..hold your head high..
It is ok to be angry at your mum but it is not ok to let it consume you...
I am sorry that your Mum is being difficult and I am sorry what she has done.
AO, please don't let this threaten your sobriety..you are doing so well.
AO reach out to all the things that are good. All the things that you have achieved, all the work you have done..all the wonderful people in your life..hold your head high..
It is ok to be angry at your mum but it is not ok to let it consume you...
I am sorry that your Mum is being difficult and I am sorry what she has done.
AO, please don't let this threaten your sobriety..you are doing so well.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,372
I have to go with the flow here AO...My AV used to love a 'valid' reason to drink.
Unfortunately, for it, this reason is not valid.
Stop for a second and breathe. Panic and despair are meat and drink to our inner addict.
Look at how much you've achieved and how far you've come. You know how much you've struggled and fought - you know how much of an achievement that is, and how many relationships you've mended.
You've been there for your daughter and she's proud of you. You have a vastly different relationship with your daughter than your mom has with you and that's down to you and your hard work..
The bottom line is, if you drink, you have to sober up again.
Are you telling me your mom wouldn't still be waiting there expecting you to take care of her still - AND she'd have a whole mess of new stuff to chew you out for.
Drinking is not the solution here...it's just another layer of stuff to panic you and drive you to even greater despair.
I get fillial duty...but you don't have a duty to be your mom's doormat, or a responsibility to be your mom's sole handmaiden, nurse, chef, cleaner and scratching post - especially not not when it rips you up inside like this.
Find a decent community care service, throw some money at them, get them to visit regularly, cook clean, move here around a little.
If your mom chases them off then that's on her not you.
D
Unfortunately, for it, this reason is not valid.
Stop for a second and breathe. Panic and despair are meat and drink to our inner addict.
Look at how much you've achieved and how far you've come. You know how much you've struggled and fought - you know how much of an achievement that is, and how many relationships you've mended.
You've been there for your daughter and she's proud of you. You have a vastly different relationship with your daughter than your mom has with you and that's down to you and your hard work..
The bottom line is, if you drink, you have to sober up again.
Are you telling me your mom wouldn't still be waiting there expecting you to take care of her still - AND she'd have a whole mess of new stuff to chew you out for.
Drinking is not the solution here...it's just another layer of stuff to panic you and drive you to even greater despair.
I get fillial duty...but you don't have a duty to be your mom's doormat, or a responsibility to be your mom's sole handmaiden, nurse, chef, cleaner and scratching post - especially not not when it rips you up inside like this.
Find a decent community care service, throw some money at them, get them to visit regularly, cook clean, move here around a little.
If your mom chases them off then that's on her not you.
D
Member
Join Date: Jun 2014
Location: East Coast USA
Posts: 5,700
You've gotten great advice that I can't add to, but can second.
I'm sorry you're having to deal with this; I honestly can't imagine what it must be like, but take a deep breath and remember your priorities. I wish you well.
I'm sorry you're having to deal with this; I honestly can't imagine what it must be like, but take a deep breath and remember your priorities. I wish you well.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: ohio
Posts: 3,615
What dee said, exactly what dee said.
Just one thing to add: after all of the hard work you put in, all you have done for your family, everything you have done to become a good person....
Do you really want to become your mother? That's what it sounds like. Become a gutter drunk so others are forced to come to your aid? You want to put your family through that to avoid your mother? How ****** up is that?
I don't know about you, but it's taken me a lot of recovery to become someone I like. Drinking will erase all of that. Those of us who have relapsed know that drinking will take us to our lowest point in no time, and quickly it will take us lower still.
I'm not going to become someone I hate for anyone. ANYONE.
Just one thing to add: after all of the hard work you put in, all you have done for your family, everything you have done to become a good person....
Do you really want to become your mother? That's what it sounds like. Become a gutter drunk so others are forced to come to your aid? You want to put your family through that to avoid your mother? How ****** up is that?
I don't know about you, but it's taken me a lot of recovery to become someone I like. Drinking will erase all of that. Those of us who have relapsed know that drinking will take us to our lowest point in no time, and quickly it will take us lower still.
I'm not going to become someone I hate for anyone. ANYONE.
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