I Remember This Feeling
 

It's funny.

I've scoured this site before in the past and even posted some. It helped. I think because at that time I was in the process of helping myself as well. The daily support threads uplifted me every morning but as the day drew on the evening took hold. It was hard at first; the stress of the day would get to me and I would have a drink. Something so simple as scouring this site after work somehow avoided me, at first, but once I started to read threads in the evening I was sober for an astounding 50 days.

Sure, I still smoked weed here and there, but the blackout nights and irresponsible spending had stopped for 50 days. I had hope, as I should've had, my wife also was sober for 50 days with me. The thought of being sober first came when I ruined my career with alcohol. My wife contributed, but in the end it was me who took the drink, by "the drink" I mean the one out of many that was the last I remember.

50 days sober come and go, I start drinking again because of the stress of starting a new career and things seem to be fine. Not sober but not at all as blackout or irresponsible as I used to be. Now, after years, I've finally made my place in a new career and am more successful than I've ever been. But I know this feeling.

The feeling where I've somehow forgotten where I've come from, what pain I've felt, and more importantly, what pain I've made others feel. The feeling where everything is fine except you know you shouldn't take a drink. Out of all the times I drink the worst is not when I'm stressed or unhappy, but when I am happy. It's something about how I should be content that bothers me. Where do I go from here, what do I accomplish now.

I'm posting here again because I remember this feeling. I had this feeling right before I ruined my first career. I am not going to ruin this one. Also, maybe it's because I am older and in reality ready to stop drinking. It has taken me as far as it can, given, nowhere isn't that far at all. It has caused many problems and offered zero solutions. It has made me many friends which I don't remember. And am probably glad I don't. Most of all it has made life forgettable and unbearable all at the same time. The negativity that alcohol is to me is infinite, yet I still want.

I've always had great support from the many good people here. I'm glad to be back, unfortunately starting again, but happy to be back. I'm scared, anxious, embarrassed and relieved all at the same time. I look forward to sharing all these feelings with you. Thanks for listening :):thanks

Welcome back, Keegan :)

Welcome Keegan

Welcome back Keegan. Never give up the fight.

I'm glad you're back Keegan and that you are working on your recovery.

Great thoughtful post. Thank you.

Great to have you with us, Keegan. Please keep posting.

Yeah I know the feeling. That is, it's somehow so much harder to bounce back from a relapse that was done in celebration versus one that was done due to stress or some other negative emotion. I think it's because when things are bad it's much easier to justify drinking. "It will relieve the stress, just for tonight, I need this" and it does, for a little while. Then the next morning you feel worse and you think. "Well I was really stressed anyway." Likewise it's sometimes easier to not drink when you are stressed because you have hope. "This sucks now, but if I don't drink at least I'll feel good about that and things will get better."

But drinking due to celebration is a whole nother' monster. Things are good! And you want them to be better? At least for me, drinking never really made things much better temporarily when things were already good. Then the next morning comes and you think. Why??? Things were so good! Now this is terrible..... I felt good, why did I screw it up?

These are sort of illusions. If you make a commitment to yourself to not drink. It doesn't matter why or how, if you break it, you have to start over. It is puzzling why we want to drink when things are both good and bad, but it doesn't really matter why. All that matters is that we don't.

Very well thought out and written post. I bet it felt good just write that. It has inspired me.

good to see you Keegan - welcome back :)

D