LilyMarie

I've been going back and forth wondering if I should post this.
I'm not terribly articulate, so please bear with me.

I've always been an introvert with pretty low self-esteem. This hasn't changed much at all since I was oh, maybe 10 years old.
I think these traits eventually evolved into depression and anxiety, where I currently still am today. I started drinking when I was maybe 19 because it was college and I had to "have fun" in some way. When I discovered I could feel almost "normal" and socialize after having a few drinks, the damage was already done.
Well, I'm in my 30's now. College is long past, but I still struggle with drinking.
Mind you, compared to where I was even six months ago, I'm in a better place, but I'm still not 100% abstained, and that's my goal. I haven't a NEED for alcohol in my life. No one NEEDS alcohol in their life.
Alas, the less I now drink, the more I am very familiar with my low self-esteem and insecurity. What a drag. It's turned into many anxiety-ridden, sleepless nights where I worry about anything and everything.
I am still seeing a counselor and a doctor and am on a few different "head meds" but man, this is where I am kind of going "huh. Ok, so I guess *this* is the real me, and this is what I have to look forward to the rest of my life."
Granted, it's better than the alternative, of dying due to alcohol, but man, I'm just really feeling down in the dumps.

So, what do you think lead you down the path of alcoholism/addiction? I can see how it was such an easy-out when you don't feel like dealing with "real life".

To add, I don't have any desire to drink right now, so that's a good thing.

FreeOwl

""huh. Ok, so I guess *this* is the real me, and this is what I have to look forward to the rest of my life." "


I don't think this is true.

Once we remove alcohol and drugs from the picture, we are given the opportunity to begin to grow again.

I drank because it felt good. It seemed like an answer. It seemed like an escape. It was a 'medication' of sorts.

I began - in sobriety - to understand that I actually have a fair bit of anxiety, depression, self-worth issues. There is still a desire to make that 'go away'. But more and more in sobriety I am able to make progress in learning how to love myself, how to be OK and at peace, how to be joyful and live fully despite those challenges.

Bit by bit, by allowing the "real me" to come back out into the light for the first time in many many years, the real me now has the chance to heal, to grow, to broaden.

We are ever-changing beings. What you feel now will not be "for the rest of your life". On the other hand, we could choose to drink and drug away the rest of our lives.... and in that case we'd also change - but it would then be guranteed that the change would be in the direction of more and more despair and misery. One day, the self esteem, depression and anxiety can no longer be 'treated' with alchohol - and that is when the most awful point of addiction is reached; the point at which you can no longer live with it OR without it......

In sobriety, we become free of that terrible cycle and free of that awful fate - we have the chance to grow again.

Inside, we are 10, we are 14, we are that scared uncertain, vulnerable person we were when - instead of learning to be OK in our own skin and in our lives - we turned to drugs and alcohol for the answer.

It won't always be like it is today. It will be better. And better. And better.....

Nonsensical

It made me feel good, and I abused that effect
Then I couldn't feel good without it
Then I needed it to feel less bad
Then I felt horrible no matter what

Now I feel good again. Not every emotion is a tickle, but I can feel good without it.

Best of Luck on Your Journey.

ScottFromWI

I drank initially because it felt good, and then later because I was an alcoholic and needed to drink to avoid withdrawals.

In my sober journey though I personally have put aside the need to know "why" I drank. I just did and it wasn't a good thing, and I've accepted that not drinking is a better alternative. For many years I tried to figure out "why" and I think it was mostly my addiction wanting me to find out so I could cure the reason "why" and somehow control it once again.

PurpleKnight

Sobriety is a great foundation for building a new life upon, drinking for me was a great escape from a lot of things I didn't like about myself, but then that changed into drinking just to drink.

It took time to figure out what I wanted from life, learn to be happy again, enjoy and be grateful for the little things in life, but it can be done!!

Soberwolf

Completely agree with Scott's answer

Madmartigan

I drank for every reason in the book. Pick any reason and I used it as an excuse to drink. Which is why I needed to get sober because it became a problem.

Crete211

I drank for several reasons. I drank as an escape from the every day life. It would, momentarily, give me a feeling of more self worth than I knew I actually had. It made all the wrongs go away, the continued lying. And I lied because I was drinking.

It also has run in my family so I guess I had a higher predisposition to become an alcoholic. Double whammy, depression and genetics.

Time2Rise

Speaking only for myself, I drank because I liked the high.

I don't believe I ever drank because of resentments, or a spiritual malady or because I was depressed or because I wanted to control others, or for any reason that many recovery groups and experts suggest is the underlying cause for drinking. Although, I have decided to drink because I was bored.

So for me, I simply enjoyed the feeling that alcohol gave me. Of course, that "good" feeling only last a couple of hours, followed by a day and often two days of feeling like crap. But because of my selective memory, I highlighted the two hours of feeling good, and downplayed the days of feeling like death warmed over. And of course, seeking out a few hours of chemically induced happiness is a rather shallow and immature practice.

Now, I'm seeing that those few hours of feeling good were mostly an illusion, and that I don't need alcohol to find a few hours of pleasure. A change in perspective about "real" happiness and deconstructing all the illusions surrounding alcohol use seems to be the approach that will give me a happy and quality sobriety.

Cascabel

I drank for several reasons that I'm aware of and probably for some of which I'm not aware. I drank because, at first, it made me feel good. Then, I drank to chase that good feeling after it stopped feeling good. I drank because I was an introvert in a profession that required some extroversion for success; drinking made me more extroverted. I drank to relieve the stress of a stressful profession. And, I drank because I have learned that I have suffered a measure of depression most of my adult life and drinking helped to mask that or so l thought.

I quit drinking when I was in my early forties and lived with the introversion, stress and depression for 30 years. Then I started again and drank for about five years. I've been teetotal for nearly 2 years now and find that being aware of some of the reasons I drank makes it easier to stay sober this time around: easier though, not easy. Recognizing the depression was a major milestone, retiring away from job stress was another. I still miss the feeling I used to get when I first started drinking, but the rest of the stuff that came with drinking I don't miss at all.

dcg

For what reason(s) do you think you enjoyed the high?

asdf72

I recently started a journal on the advice of many members on this site and one of the things i started was a list of reasons why i drank, mostly so i could identify them and find alternate ways of coping or distracting. Its amazing how much different factors come into play, from stress to loneliness, from wanting to numb things that were bothering me to buying into the norms of socializing. Like you i developed a taste for drinking in college, when i was insecure and i loved how free alcohol made me feel. But as long as we are drinking we are putting off our spiritual growth. As FreeOwl says, once sober we can start to grow again. I know for me i am realizing that i don't need alcohol anymore to be bright and funny, i can be those things. I am also a good listener and a good friend. But not when i am drinking.

LilyMarie

Same with my family. And growing up in NE Wisconsin, where pretty much everyone loved their booze. I think I knew from the very first time I got drunk that this would be a problem in my life.
Wish I could go back in time and slap that 19 year old girl and tell her to not even tread in those waters.

Thank you everyone for your responses. They are giving me a lot to really think about.

LilyMarie

A thousand times this!

Jsbodhi

Beucause I don't have healthy ways to relax, I get stressed with work and school, so I would drink to shut down.
I would drink to " relax" but that was more like " blackout"

FreeOwl

This is worth reading several times....

When I stopped asking "Why" and started saying "what I want it sobriety" - sobriety started working, life got better, and 'why' became a lot less important.

Time2Rise

Your question is a bit confusing dcg. From my experience there was no "what" only "why". Alcohol causes the brain to release happy chemicals, so I felt good. It's just basic biology. However, there are healthy ways to get the brain to release happy chemicals, albeit in smaller amounts. Exercise is one example, but there are others. And living a moral, productive life also brings a sense of calm and peace that I've found greatly reduces the desire for alcohol.

loulou1981

Great post.....u sound so similar to me!! The reasons I feel that I drank......
Booze was always a huge part of my childhood/teenage years & it felt normal.
If i felt stressed, fed up, tired, bored....whatever, I drank.
I liked the feeling, the warn fuzzy cuddle it gives you, the confidence, the tingle...but then the shame came the next day & I finally realise it's not worth it. I feel those anxieties though, the 'am I enough', I hope so!!!!

tomsteve

i had that thought in metro detroit.
also northern michigan.
actually anywhere i lived.

then i got sober. realized not everyone loved their booze. only the ones i hung around that drank like me.only the ones at the bars that drank like me.
when i got sober i realized there were many more people that didnt drink than did.

i drank to escape. until i couldnt escape.
then i drank because i crossed the line into alcoholism.

more important is why we got sober imo.

Coldfusion

We drank for happiness and became unhappy.

We drank for joy and became miserable.

We drank for sociability and became argumentative.

We drank for sophistication and became obnoxious.

We drank for friendship and made enemies.

We drank for sleep and awakened without rest.

We drank medicinally and acquired health problems.

We drank for relaxation and got the shakes.

We drank for bravery and became afraid.

We drank for confidence and became doubtful.

We drank to make our conversation easier and we slurred our speech.

We drank to feel heavenly and ended up feeling like hell.

We drank to forget and were forever haunted.

We drank for freedom and became slaves.

We drank to erase problems and saw them multiply.

We drank to cope with life and invited death.