“I won't be alone but you know that don't mean I'm not lonely”
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Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Ireland
Posts: 25,826
“I won't be alone but you know that don't mean I'm not lonely”
HALT . . . Hunger, Anger, Loneliness, Tired . . . for anyone not aware, this is a great tool for managing your triggers, if one or more is a reality, be sure to address it asap as it can lead to drinking.
For me loneliness has been the thorn in my side for a long time, my story of recovery has it as a constant theme, rejected by family, rejected by others for being different, never feeling accepted, breakups, lost friends, carving out a life on my own, and loneliness is a very intangible thing, if I’m hungry, I can eat, if I am tired I can sleep, but how can one not be lonely on a Monday evening?
The quote from a Bon Jovi song “ Tonight, I won't be alone but you know that don't mean I'm not lonely” springs to mind, I used to be surrounded by people all day every day, and still am, and sometimes I’d convince myself that I had meaningful relationships, when it came to not being lonely, I was sorted, I was around plenty of people, how could I be lonely? but I was wrong!!
The definition of loneliness is: “sadness because one has no friends or company or the quality of being unfrequented and remote, isolation”
Here’s my realisation, that being surrounded by people, talking to people, hanging out for coffee, having an incredible action packed social life can still mean loneliness, there is something more than being busy, something more than being surrounded by people.
Creating meaningful relationships for me was the key in finally beating it, it has taken 30yrs but it’s been important to my recovery, people that get me here on SR, a few deep relationships based on real friendship, regardless of my decision to not drink anymore, an acceptance of me and not what is in my glass, having those people that I can have a laugh with, share moments with, be me, and not care about what anyone things, being comfortable around people.
Fear was a huge foundation for my loneliness, fearing what others would think, the fear of not being accepted, and so I would do the things that I thought would be accepted by other people, and so pushing myself even further away from people, creating a falseness that any meaningful relationship could never be built upon, I’d continually strive to please those around me and do my best to be in with the group, rather than being true to myself and attract those that really cared about who I really was.
Loneliness is not about sitting at home alone on a Monday evening, it is about not being merely surrounded by people, being soo isolated that alcohol becomes an attractive solution, but it’s not, will that hangover in the morning really make you feel accepted and comforted by others? I doubt it!!
Be true to yourself, the most meaningful relationships I have created are from those that appreciate the things that I bring to the table, don’t compromise on yourself, whether it be your Sobriety or other aspects of your life, loneliness for me was a real thing for many years, but when I learnt who I was, what I could offer, and started to give towards those that could relate to that, I think I may have finally cracked that one thorn that was dragging me down!!
Don't let alcohol fill the void of loneliness, YOU are much more than that, and deserve soo much more in your life!!
PK
For me loneliness has been the thorn in my side for a long time, my story of recovery has it as a constant theme, rejected by family, rejected by others for being different, never feeling accepted, breakups, lost friends, carving out a life on my own, and loneliness is a very intangible thing, if I’m hungry, I can eat, if I am tired I can sleep, but how can one not be lonely on a Monday evening?
The quote from a Bon Jovi song “ Tonight, I won't be alone but you know that don't mean I'm not lonely” springs to mind, I used to be surrounded by people all day every day, and still am, and sometimes I’d convince myself that I had meaningful relationships, when it came to not being lonely, I was sorted, I was around plenty of people, how could I be lonely? but I was wrong!!
The definition of loneliness is: “sadness because one has no friends or company or the quality of being unfrequented and remote, isolation”
Here’s my realisation, that being surrounded by people, talking to people, hanging out for coffee, having an incredible action packed social life can still mean loneliness, there is something more than being busy, something more than being surrounded by people.
Creating meaningful relationships for me was the key in finally beating it, it has taken 30yrs but it’s been important to my recovery, people that get me here on SR, a few deep relationships based on real friendship, regardless of my decision to not drink anymore, an acceptance of me and not what is in my glass, having those people that I can have a laugh with, share moments with, be me, and not care about what anyone things, being comfortable around people.
Fear was a huge foundation for my loneliness, fearing what others would think, the fear of not being accepted, and so I would do the things that I thought would be accepted by other people, and so pushing myself even further away from people, creating a falseness that any meaningful relationship could never be built upon, I’d continually strive to please those around me and do my best to be in with the group, rather than being true to myself and attract those that really cared about who I really was.
Loneliness is not about sitting at home alone on a Monday evening, it is about not being merely surrounded by people, being soo isolated that alcohol becomes an attractive solution, but it’s not, will that hangover in the morning really make you feel accepted and comforted by others? I doubt it!!
Be true to yourself, the most meaningful relationships I have created are from those that appreciate the things that I bring to the table, don’t compromise on yourself, whether it be your Sobriety or other aspects of your life, loneliness for me was a real thing for many years, but when I learnt who I was, what I could offer, and started to give towards those that could relate to that, I think I may have finally cracked that one thorn that was dragging me down!!
Don't let alcohol fill the void of loneliness, YOU are much more than that, and deserve soo much more in your life!!
PK
Member
Join Date: Sep 2015
Posts: 287
Thank you for this thread pk. This topic has been extremely difficult for me in early sobriety lonlyness.. how my mind (ego) loves to play its tricks on me.. constantly telling me that whats the use of staying sober when your life is ruined anyhow.. she fell in love with you when you were drinking and left you when 2 weeks sober.. i wish i could just go in a coma for about a year and wake up and see how things look then
Trudgin
Join Date: Jul 2014
Posts: 6,348
Great thread~
I couldn't agree more - when I drank I could be surrounded by people and feel so very alone. In sobriety, I can be by myself but never really be lonely, it's odd.
Part of it for me is developing a sense of the spiritual side to a full life, however one choose to define it. It helps me a lot.
Thanks for the thread Purpleknight - awesome!
I couldn't agree more - when I drank I could be surrounded by people and feel so very alone. In sobriety, I can be by myself but never really be lonely, it's odd.
Part of it for me is developing a sense of the spiritual side to a full life, however one choose to define it. It helps me a lot.
Thanks for the thread Purpleknight - awesome!
A Day at a Time
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Grand Rapids MI
Posts: 6,435
One of my very big ah ha moments was when I figured out that in order to have friends you have to be a friend.
I thought people should flock to my door step just to be in my presence. I sobered up and the flock was very small. In fact it counted zero.
I have learned you have to go out of your way for people. You have to be vulnerable. Tell people when your happy, sad, fearful or dpressed. Become part of their life by finding out what they like or dislike.
What I'm trying to say is it is all about them not you. If they reciprocate you have a friend. If not you did the next right thing.
I had been so self centered for so long I had forgotten how to be a friend and I'm not sure I ever did know.
I have been blessed because now I know what friendship is and I have a few people I am proud to call friends. When I give good things come back 10 fold
I thought people should flock to my door step just to be in my presence. I sobered up and the flock was very small. In fact it counted zero.
I have learned you have to go out of your way for people. You have to be vulnerable. Tell people when your happy, sad, fearful or dpressed. Become part of their life by finding out what they like or dislike.
What I'm trying to say is it is all about them not you. If they reciprocate you have a friend. If not you did the next right thing.
I had been so self centered for so long I had forgotten how to be a friend and I'm not sure I ever did know.
I have been blessed because now I know what friendship is and I have a few people I am proud to call friends. When I give good things come back 10 fold
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