I did it. :)
Its a cold and its a broken hallelujah.
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 2,887
I did it. :)
Six weeks ago, I got off the plane after dropping my only child off for her first year of college, and headed right to an audition. A true passion of mine. But something I hadn't done for a few years because I had fallen back into the bottle.
I was sick with bronchitis by the time I got the callback. I went and did it anyway and I landed the role. My biggest one yet. It would prove to be the equivalent of six straight weeks of intensive therapy. This character I played, ran the full gamut of emotions. Strength, fear, frustration, tenderness, insecurity. She was a pistol for sure. Intense and demanding, I was pushed to places the last 6 weeks that I had worked very hard to overcome in my "real life". Years of psychotherapy ain't got nothing on this bag of crazy.
Hell, I went on anti depressants to abate my "emotional instability". Lol. And now , if I was to be worth my weight in salt as an actor, I would have to dig through the recesses of my psyche to find those dark places again.
Surprise surprise. They were just lurking on the surface waiting to spill out.
And spill they did.
I performed the hell out of this role with every cell in my soul. I would be required to face nightly overwhelmingly crippling anxiety as I waited in the wings. And time didn't seem to heal that wound, as my last performance was today, and I was outside spitting the excessive salivation that comes with impending vomiting, into the bushes outside the stage door.
For three hours a night, I chose to be on a stage that was shaped Into a raised crucifix, that was cantilevered on a diagonal, that I would march up and down, in 4 inch heels, defending the soul of Judas, in a courtroom drama. I spent so much time walking on a diagonal, suspended I the air, that when I got off stage, I had to refind my sea legs. My equilibrium was off kilter the entire 3 hours. That is HELL on anxiety for those of us in the know. I was constantly thinking I was dizzy and getting ready to faint. But, alas, it never happened,
I lived on granola bars, and bananas, and turkey sandwiches because the anxiety was so extreme, I constantly had stomach issues.
This was, by FAR, the most demanding performance I could have chosen.
And I did it.
Sober. Scared. Terrified really.
I have proven something to myself, about who I am. And who I have become. And who I always HAVE BEEN underneath the booze.
The strength I was forced to muster to get through this, was far beyond anything I ever dreamed I was even remotely capable of. Physically, emotionally, spiritually, I dug to the farthest place of my my fortitude to accomplish this.
Now it's back to my regularly scheduled life. Which, I am really looking forward to.
But, damn. What a ride this was.
Thank for letting me share.
XO AO
I was sick with bronchitis by the time I got the callback. I went and did it anyway and I landed the role. My biggest one yet. It would prove to be the equivalent of six straight weeks of intensive therapy. This character I played, ran the full gamut of emotions. Strength, fear, frustration, tenderness, insecurity. She was a pistol for sure. Intense and demanding, I was pushed to places the last 6 weeks that I had worked very hard to overcome in my "real life". Years of psychotherapy ain't got nothing on this bag of crazy.
Hell, I went on anti depressants to abate my "emotional instability". Lol. And now , if I was to be worth my weight in salt as an actor, I would have to dig through the recesses of my psyche to find those dark places again.
Surprise surprise. They were just lurking on the surface waiting to spill out.
And spill they did.
I performed the hell out of this role with every cell in my soul. I would be required to face nightly overwhelmingly crippling anxiety as I waited in the wings. And time didn't seem to heal that wound, as my last performance was today, and I was outside spitting the excessive salivation that comes with impending vomiting, into the bushes outside the stage door.
For three hours a night, I chose to be on a stage that was shaped Into a raised crucifix, that was cantilevered on a diagonal, that I would march up and down, in 4 inch heels, defending the soul of Judas, in a courtroom drama. I spent so much time walking on a diagonal, suspended I the air, that when I got off stage, I had to refind my sea legs. My equilibrium was off kilter the entire 3 hours. That is HELL on anxiety for those of us in the know. I was constantly thinking I was dizzy and getting ready to faint. But, alas, it never happened,
I lived on granola bars, and bananas, and turkey sandwiches because the anxiety was so extreme, I constantly had stomach issues.
This was, by FAR, the most demanding performance I could have chosen.
And I did it.
Sober. Scared. Terrified really.
I have proven something to myself, about who I am. And who I have become. And who I always HAVE BEEN underneath the booze.
The strength I was forced to muster to get through this, was far beyond anything I ever dreamed I was even remotely capable of. Physically, emotionally, spiritually, I dug to the farthest place of my my fortitude to accomplish this.
Now it's back to my regularly scheduled life. Which, I am really looking forward to.
But, damn. What a ride this was.
Thank for letting me share.
XO AO
congrats
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