Dealing with loneliness
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2014
Posts: 4,251
Dealing with loneliness
I am really struggling with loneliness lately, it is a pretty common cycle for me after a friend or family leaves after a visit. My mom left a week ago.
I really don't know what to do. I am very social and have an active social life but no real friends. I do have one woman I connected with, I have mentioned her before, but lately I feel kind of like a lead weight to her. She has her own issues with alcohol, though she is happy with her lifestyle and has no intention of changing anything about her alcohol use. We used to meet for glasses of wine but that is off the table now.
I keep inviting her for dinner or to meet for a coffee but she always has something else going on. I just feel like an ass now when I invite her, like it must be annoying for her to even receive the invitation.
I know a lot of people through my boyfriend and people seem to like me. But despite exchanging phone numbers and trying to be proactive in establishing a friendship no one seems to have time or want to take it any further than just randomly seeing each other out in a group.
I talk to the other mothers at school pick ups and have done my best to be open and try and engage, suggesting get-togethers, etc but it has led nowhere. My alcoholism is prohibitive, yes, but when I am not drinking I am clean, put-together, approachable, kind, generous, friendly and fun. I don't know why I can't seem to make a friend.
No one, and I do mean no one, has ever extended an invitation to me. It is always me trying to arrange something and I am getting tired of feeling like I force people to hang out.
I think a number of factors are at work here. One, it is just more difficult to make friendships at this age. All of my friends in the US I either met at work or at school. I am no longer in school and I work from home despite repeated attempts at finding work outside the home.
Two, despite being nearly fluent in Italian, I am not Italian. I don't always feel like my personality the core of who I am, is translated into my second language. There are cultural differences to consider, but I've been here almost 10 years so I don't feel so different. But I think to really establish a deep friendship you need to be able to communicate at a level of fluency that I just don't have. Not only the spoken language, but the nuances of facial expression and body language, colloquial expressions and local dialect… Communication is already complex without adding a language learned in adulthood into the mix. It is also more work for others to be with me. Sometimes I make mistakes with the language or cannot express myself with a colorful vocabulary, I think people must be more present and work to communicate with me and understand me.
I have come to the point where I think I need to give up on the idea of having friends here and need to be more self sufficient when it comes to my emotional and support needs. I am having a hard time finding peace in that but I know it needs to be done.
Has anyone else experienced this? How do you reconcile your social nature with the fact that a friendship is just not to be had?
I really don't know what to do. I am very social and have an active social life but no real friends. I do have one woman I connected with, I have mentioned her before, but lately I feel kind of like a lead weight to her. She has her own issues with alcohol, though she is happy with her lifestyle and has no intention of changing anything about her alcohol use. We used to meet for glasses of wine but that is off the table now.
I keep inviting her for dinner or to meet for a coffee but she always has something else going on. I just feel like an ass now when I invite her, like it must be annoying for her to even receive the invitation.
I know a lot of people through my boyfriend and people seem to like me. But despite exchanging phone numbers and trying to be proactive in establishing a friendship no one seems to have time or want to take it any further than just randomly seeing each other out in a group.
I talk to the other mothers at school pick ups and have done my best to be open and try and engage, suggesting get-togethers, etc but it has led nowhere. My alcoholism is prohibitive, yes, but when I am not drinking I am clean, put-together, approachable, kind, generous, friendly and fun. I don't know why I can't seem to make a friend.
No one, and I do mean no one, has ever extended an invitation to me. It is always me trying to arrange something and I am getting tired of feeling like I force people to hang out.
I think a number of factors are at work here. One, it is just more difficult to make friendships at this age. All of my friends in the US I either met at work or at school. I am no longer in school and I work from home despite repeated attempts at finding work outside the home.
Two, despite being nearly fluent in Italian, I am not Italian. I don't always feel like my personality the core of who I am, is translated into my second language. There are cultural differences to consider, but I've been here almost 10 years so I don't feel so different. But I think to really establish a deep friendship you need to be able to communicate at a level of fluency that I just don't have. Not only the spoken language, but the nuances of facial expression and body language, colloquial expressions and local dialect… Communication is already complex without adding a language learned in adulthood into the mix. It is also more work for others to be with me. Sometimes I make mistakes with the language or cannot express myself with a colorful vocabulary, I think people must be more present and work to communicate with me and understand me.
I have come to the point where I think I need to give up on the idea of having friends here and need to be more self sufficient when it comes to my emotional and support needs. I am having a hard time finding peace in that but I know it needs to be done.
Has anyone else experienced this? How do you reconcile your social nature with the fact that a friendship is just not to be had?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2014
Posts: 4,251
That is a possibility, thanks for the suggestion. I currently go to a personal trainer 4 or 5 times a week, but it is a studio where he has clients by appointment only. I did once join another gym to go freely when on days I didn't have an appointment or if I wanted to double up on workouts. It was another social type situation, but as I, and most of the others, were there to concentrate on our workouts it didn't result in any lasting relationships.
I had been thinking of trying to get into athletics (sprinting, pole jump what have you) maybe at the local track there would be more group candor and communication. I'll look into that. Thanks again for the suggestion!
I had been thinking of trying to get into athletics (sprinting, pole jump what have you) maybe at the local track there would be more group candor and communication. I'll look into that. Thanks again for the suggestion!
Member
Join Date: Jun 2014
Posts: 1,909
Oh my Mera. I don't have answers for you, but struggle from this very much also. I have a very public job and meet a lot of people, exchange numbers, but never get past the point of pleasant acquaintances. I had two close friends who drifted away from me when I stopped drinking, and it still breaks my heart. They stopped inviting me to hang out for wine and every time I reached out they were busy and I felt like a bother. I miss sharing deeper connections and laughs.
Your situation is pretty unique, but is there a way to meet any people from the US or other countries? Also, any interest groups, book clubs?
Don't think we should stop trying and reaching out. In the meantime, I am also trying to find peace with it. Sending you lots of love and hugs.
Your situation is pretty unique, but is there a way to meet any people from the US or other countries? Also, any interest groups, book clubs?
Don't think we should stop trying and reaching out. In the meantime, I am also trying to find peace with it. Sending you lots of love and hugs.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2014
Posts: 1,909
Originally Posted by Meraviglioso 
I had been thinking of trying to get into athletics (sprinting, pole jump what have you) maybe at the local track there would be more group candor and communication. I'll look into that. Thanks again for the suggestion!
I go to the gym regularly and have some gym buddies, we exchange pleasantries and occasionally carpool, but never anything more. I think also everybody our age has such busy lives. People don't have room for more friends and most friendship spots have already been filled by previous candidates.
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Join Date: Jul 2014
Posts: 4,251
Originally Posted by melki
Your situation is pretty unique, but is there a way to meet any people from the US or other countries? Also, any interest groups, book clubs?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2014
Posts: 4,251
Originally Posted by melki
I think also everybody our age has such busy lives. People don't have room for more friends and most friendship spots have already been filled by previous candidates.
Member
Join Date: May 2013
Posts: 919
Well if its a cultural thing how about the local expats?
I can't compare my experience to yours because 1) I've only lived in my current country for two years 2) italy and my particular spit of tropical insanity are radically different 3) I am nowhere near fluent.
But that being said, I get some of what its like to be an outsider. Scratch that, I get it a lot.
I wish you well on your journey. Sometimes time without friends is beneficial. And I think the joining clubs / a gym suggestion is good. Something I should do myself.
I can't compare my experience to yours because 1) I've only lived in my current country for two years 2) italy and my particular spit of tropical insanity are radically different 3) I am nowhere near fluent.
But that being said, I get some of what its like to be an outsider. Scratch that, I get it a lot.
I wish you well on your journey. Sometimes time without friends is beneficial. And I think the joining clubs / a gym suggestion is good. Something I should do myself.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: US
Posts: 5,095
I relate very much, and I'm not even in a foreign country (although Idaho can feel foreign at times to this native Californian 
). I'm 50 and making friends is really hard. I also don't work, further isolation.
My ex SIL was from Germany....and VERY German if ya know what I mean. She just couldn't seem to connect with Americans. She also looked down on us in many ways and would at times make comments that would further alienate her. I know she got involved in German groups in Cali. She also got involved in a group that 'welcomed' new Germans to the area and kind of helped them assimilate. As a result she kind of created a little German community for herself. I don't know exactly how to go about it but do you think there might be some American groups in your area? I hope that isn't a crazy suggestion. Also maybe there are some volunteer opps for community events...heritage festivals, or holiday festivals? Conservation groups, that kind of thing.
Basically, I don't do friends very well and I know it. It takes a unique person for me even to be interested. I applaud your efforts.
). I'm 50 and making friends is really hard. I also don't work, further isolation. My ex SIL was from Germany....and VERY German if ya know what I mean. She just couldn't seem to connect with Americans. She also looked down on us in many ways and would at times make comments that would further alienate her. I know she got involved in German groups in Cali. She also got involved in a group that 'welcomed' new Germans to the area and kind of helped them assimilate. As a result she kind of created a little German community for herself. I don't know exactly how to go about it but do you think there might be some American groups in your area? I hope that isn't a crazy suggestion. Also maybe there are some volunteer opps for community events...heritage festivals, or holiday festivals? Conservation groups, that kind of thing.
Basically, I don't do friends very well and I know it. It takes a unique person for me even to be interested. I applaud your efforts.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2015
Location: Purgatory
Posts: 42
I can relate. It can be tough being a foreigner. I remember arriving "here" and reading a blog from someone saying "it's tough to make friends with the locals here" and I said to myself "I refuse to believe that, as if I believe it, it will be true!" but the reality is that it can be...
I've noticed that locals who have lived abroad can be more receptive....but still I still seem to get asked straight away "how long are you here for?"
I've made two local friends out of my social circle/activities.......and this is now a catch 22.......I no longer want to be friends with them. "mejor solo que mal acompañado".....I think I need a little period alone to sort out one or two things.....get on top of my goals and be stronger and choose more wisely......so it's Monk Mode for me for at least 6 weeks. I'll have to suck up the loneliness...
I have two suggestions for you:
use the law of reciprocity to your advantage:
I made one of my friendships kind of this way. In one of the group settings one guy sent out a message asking if anyone could recommend a police novel. I sent a suggestion. Then I thought later i'll go one better, I'll buy him the book (he's out of work). This was when I was trying to practice do a random act of kindness each day........well it also activated the law of reciprocity and I got an invite for coffee....things started from there
The Law Of Reciprocity
go to meetup.com and create your own group
it could be a book reading club or something like that or anything
and/or join one of the meetup groups. there are plenty
oh one more:
conversationexchange.com
do a language exchange with an Italian. you'd be surprised how many friendships start that way.
I've noticed that locals who have lived abroad can be more receptive....but still I still seem to get asked straight away "how long are you here for?"
I've made two local friends out of my social circle/activities.......and this is now a catch 22.......I no longer want to be friends with them. "mejor solo que mal acompañado".....I think I need a little period alone to sort out one or two things.....get on top of my goals and be stronger and choose more wisely......so it's Monk Mode for me for at least 6 weeks. I'll have to suck up the loneliness...
I have two suggestions for you:
use the law of reciprocity to your advantage:
I made one of my friendships kind of this way. In one of the group settings one guy sent out a message asking if anyone could recommend a police novel. I sent a suggestion. Then I thought later i'll go one better, I'll buy him the book (he's out of work). This was when I was trying to practice do a random act of kindness each day........well it also activated the law of reciprocity and I got an invite for coffee....things started from there
The Law Of Reciprocity
go to meetup.com and create your own group
it could be a book reading club or something like that or anything
and/or join one of the meetup groups. there are plenty
oh one more:
conversationexchange.com
do a language exchange with an Italian. you'd be surprised how many friendships start that way.
Marchia in Aeternum
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Georgia
Posts: 11,094
Mera, there's a book out there titled(I think)The Unexamined Life. It's about philosophy and self-examination. So many people never examine their life.
We have had to. We have examined our lives. We have made major changes.
There is a very brutal honesty in our recovery lives. That makes some uncomfortable. That scares some.
We have had to. We have examined our lives. We have made major changes.
There is a very brutal honesty in our recovery lives. That makes some uncomfortable. That scares some.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Lakeside, Ca
Posts: 10,208
Church single groups are nice get-togethers.
When I was single they gave me something to look forward to on Friday evenings.
Spent some time with a nice group of people who were not getting drunk or drinking on Fridays.
MB
When I was single they gave me something to look forward to on Friday evenings.
Spent some time with a nice group of people who were not getting drunk or drinking on Fridays.
MB
Member
Join Date: May 2015
Location: USA
Posts: 740
"Has anyone else experienced this? How do you reconcile your social nature with the fact that a friendship is just not to be had?"
I'm currently experiencing the same thing, Mera. I definitely feel that it is harder to make friends as you get older, and for sure if you're in another country. I certainly felt the difficulties even when I moved from the west coast to New England.
For myself, I wonder how much of this is also related to being in recovery. I feel very tentative about reaching out to others and am still trying to get to know myself as a sober person. Maybe it's a matter of having enough sober muscles to be able to connect with others? I don't know. Just thinking out loud.
I wish you good luck, Mera. You sound like the kind of person that would be a fun and thoughtful friend. I hope you find people irl that will appreciate that.
Delfin
I'm currently experiencing the same thing, Mera. I definitely feel that it is harder to make friends as you get older, and for sure if you're in another country. I certainly felt the difficulties even when I moved from the west coast to New England.
For myself, I wonder how much of this is also related to being in recovery. I feel very tentative about reaching out to others and am still trying to get to know myself as a sober person. Maybe it's a matter of having enough sober muscles to be able to connect with others? I don't know. Just thinking out loud.
I wish you good luck, Mera. You sound like the kind of person that would be a fun and thoughtful friend. I hope you find people irl that will appreciate that.
Delfin
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Lakeside, Ca
Posts: 10,208
There are a group of Ladies in my AA home group that always welcome a new Lady aboard. I see them before and after meetings doing a lot of things together.
Tennis for one.
Shopping and lunch for two.
Other than that I'm not sure what the Ladies are doing together ??
But, from what I've seen -- girls just want to have fun !
MM
Tennis for one.
Shopping and lunch for two.
Other than that I'm not sure what the Ladies are doing together ??
But, from what I've seen -- girls just want to have fun !
MM
Member
Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 5,937
I wish I had good advice, Mera. I work as a chef so I'm surrounded by people all day, so when I'm off work I actually find it a relief to be by myself. While I'm not really antisocial by any means I have a fairly low minimum requirement of socialization time.
My thinking is that you might have luck by looking at things that interest you. Often there are clubs and organizations dedicated to hobbies (eg hiking, skiing, books, etc). It might be good to look into a club.
My thinking is that you might have luck by looking at things that interest you. Often there are clubs and organizations dedicated to hobbies (eg hiking, skiing, books, etc). It might be good to look into a club.
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