3.5 days and I failed.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2015
Location: Denver, CO
Posts: 12
3.5 days and I failed.
But I'm trying again.
Lack of sleep... work stress... relationship stress... the worry of another sleepless night... and I just wanted some peace.
Thank you all for your help so far! I haven't given up. I'm gonna try again starting today. I told my wife about my participation in an "online AA group". She was saying I've been withdrawn all week and was questioning my sleeping habits and wanted answers. So I told her. She was very hurt I didn't let her know what I was doing and wanted an explanation as to why I didn't tell her.
I saw some of you mention that I was avoiding accountability. I thought that may he possible. After some thought that wasn't the case. Honestly, having to use a support system to help me stop my use of alcohol makes me feel weak. That's why I didn't want to tell her. It makes me feel weak. I know it shouldn't and there are 100 reasons doing this makes me stronger and all. Maybe it is how this type of thing was a big source of jokes in the 80s and 90s ... I really don't see support groups being made fun of much anymore. Or maybe its that I don't really watch TV much anymore.
Has the use of a support group made anyone else feel weak? How did you get over that negative emotion and turn it into a positive one?
Lack of sleep... work stress... relationship stress... the worry of another sleepless night... and I just wanted some peace.
Thank you all for your help so far! I haven't given up. I'm gonna try again starting today. I told my wife about my participation in an "online AA group". She was saying I've been withdrawn all week and was questioning my sleeping habits and wanted answers. So I told her. She was very hurt I didn't let her know what I was doing and wanted an explanation as to why I didn't tell her.
I saw some of you mention that I was avoiding accountability. I thought that may he possible. After some thought that wasn't the case. Honestly, having to use a support system to help me stop my use of alcohol makes me feel weak. That's why I didn't want to tell her. It makes me feel weak. I know it shouldn't and there are 100 reasons doing this makes me stronger and all. Maybe it is how this type of thing was a big source of jokes in the 80s and 90s ... I really don't see support groups being made fun of much anymore. Or maybe its that I don't really watch TV much anymore.
Has the use of a support group made anyone else feel weak? How did you get over that negative emotion and turn it into a positive one?
12 Step Recovered Alcoholic
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: New Zealand
Posts: 6,613
The biggest problem I had about support groups was that there was an increased risk of recovery, and that might be painful and might involve me facing some truths about myself that I would sooner avoid.
Like a Jehovahs Witness who wants to recover from an illness as long as there is no blood transfusion involved, I wanted a solution to my problems that did not involve being honest, talking to others openly, doing anything that made me uncomfortable, in fact doing anything at all. Maybe a change of external circumstances, job, girlfriend, town, might be acceptable, but nothing about the real me could be revealed.
I discovered over time that no such solution exists.
Like a Jehovahs Witness who wants to recover from an illness as long as there is no blood transfusion involved, I wanted a solution to my problems that did not involve being honest, talking to others openly, doing anything that made me uncomfortable, in fact doing anything at all. Maybe a change of external circumstances, job, girlfriend, town, might be acceptable, but nothing about the real me could be revealed.
I discovered over time that no such solution exists.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,429
I was very proud. Noone helped me. I didn't allow it.
I didn't realise what a gift help and support was tho.
It really made all the difference
Other people have experiences or ideas that I simply don't have. Reaching out actually made me stronger not weaker.
I'm not weak - I've proven that to myself time and again - but I might have been dead if I hadn't learned to reach out and ask for help when I needed it.
No point in being the proudest man in the cemetery.
D
I didn't realise what a gift help and support was tho.
It really made all the difference
Other people have experiences or ideas that I simply don't have. Reaching out actually made me stronger not weaker.
I'm not weak - I've proven that to myself time and again - but I might have been dead if I hadn't learned to reach out and ask for help when I needed it.
No point in being the proudest man in the cemetery.
D
Member
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: UK
Posts: 6,902
Originally Posted by leviathan 
Reaching out takes courage. Was one of my smarter, bolder moves. I recommend it.
I also reached out for help in the fellowship of AA. I found it incredibly hard to do this at first. After all, I'd been working hard to maintain that outer image (or lie) of 'Fine' for the most part of 25 - 30 years. But it was engaging in the battle to maintain that outer image that increased my 'seperateness' (for want of a better word). And my isolation and loneliness. I didn't even really let myself in, let alone anyone else. It was just one big cover up, with alcohol easing the pain of that disparity between my insides and my outsides. It was an illusion of such magnitude that I even believed it myself.
It has taken REAL strength for me to find the willingness to start to chip away that outer shell, and start taking a peek at what's underneath. And the people on here, and in the fellowship of AA have helped me find the courage to face all that 'unknown' (which incidentally, was a lot more pleasant than I'd have ever believed - not perfect of course, but perfectly okay.) I did try to go it alone initially, but after about a month sober (and sending myself loopy), I realised that there's a lot more to healthy sobriety than just stopping drinking, and to do it without the wisdom and guidance and support of others who have walked this path before me would just be allowing my pride and ego to jeopardise my sobriety. That's when I found my way to this board, and also into the rooms and fellowship of AA.
Member
Join Date: May 2015
Location: UK
Posts: 1,042
Group support for anything is always worth a try, others can teach us so much if we can just let go of a little of our fear and shame, (which all of us have to some degree), and helping others with our knowledge and experience (and struggles) is also a big opportunity for personal development. Really supporting others is supporting yourself. Hope this doesn't sound like babble. If your not a group person, and when it comes to problems many of us are not, some of it will be a leap of faith and hanging in there, well worth it though. We are not an island.
Be well.
xx
Be well.
xx
Member
Join Date: Sep 2015
Location: America
Posts: 4,136
Originally Posted by Gottalife
The biggest problem I had about support groups was that there was an increased risk of recovery, and that might be painful and might involve me facing some truths about myself that I would sooner avoid.
Like a Jehovahs Witness who wants to recover from an illness as long as there is no blood transfusion involved, I wanted a solution to my problems that did not involve being honest, talking to others openly, doing anything that made me uncomfortable, in fact doing anything at all. Maybe a change of external circumstances, job, girlfriend, town, might be acceptable, but nothing about the real me could be revealed.
I discovered over time that no such solution exists.
Like a Jehovahs Witness who wants to recover from an illness as long as there is no blood transfusion involved, I wanted a solution to my problems that did not involve being honest, talking to others openly, doing anything that made me uncomfortable, in fact doing anything at all. Maybe a change of external circumstances, job, girlfriend, town, might be acceptable, but nothing about the real me could be revealed.
I discovered over time that no such solution exists.
Interestingly there are some church groups who are not very supportive regarding the use of support groups as if they are somehow afraid your needs will be met better by the support group then by the church(?) In my view support groups and group therapy are more for a specific problem, whereas church is about one's overall faith.
(smile)
Member
Join Date: Sep 2015
Location: America
Posts: 4,136
Liberty In Failure
Originally Posted by DriedShad
But I'm trying again.
Lack of sleep... work stress... relationship stress... the worry of another sleepless night... and I just wanted some peace.
Thank you all for your help so far! I haven't given up. I'm gonna try again starting today. I told my wife about my participation in an "online AA group". She was saying I've been withdrawn all week and was questioning my sleeping habits and wanted answers. So I told her. She was very hurt I didn't let her know what I was doing and wanted an explanation as to why I didn't tell her.
I saw some of you mention that I was avoiding accountability. I thought that may he possible. After some thought that wasn't the case. Honestly, having to use a support system to help me stop my use of alcohol makes me feel weak. That's why I didn't want to tell her. It makes me feel weak. I know it shouldn't and there are 100 reasons doing this makes me stronger and all. Maybe it is how this type of thing was a big source of jokes in the 80s and 90s ... I really don't see support groups being made fun of much anymore. Or maybe its that I don't really watch TV much anymore.
Has the use of a support group made anyone else feel weak? How did you get over that negative emotion and turn it into a positive one?
Lack of sleep... work stress... relationship stress... the worry of another sleepless night... and I just wanted some peace.
Thank you all for your help so far! I haven't given up. I'm gonna try again starting today. I told my wife about my participation in an "online AA group". She was saying I've been withdrawn all week and was questioning my sleeping habits and wanted answers. So I told her. She was very hurt I didn't let her know what I was doing and wanted an explanation as to why I didn't tell her.
I saw some of you mention that I was avoiding accountability. I thought that may he possible. After some thought that wasn't the case. Honestly, having to use a support system to help me stop my use of alcohol makes me feel weak. That's why I didn't want to tell her. It makes me feel weak. I know it shouldn't and there are 100 reasons doing this makes me stronger and all. Maybe it is how this type of thing was a big source of jokes in the 80s and 90s ... I really don't see support groups being made fun of much anymore. Or maybe its that I don't really watch TV much anymore.
Has the use of a support group made anyone else feel weak? How did you get over that negative emotion and turn it into a positive one?
But rather than run, hide, or just move on to the next thing I ALLOWED myself to go through all the accompanying emotions...I allowed myself to just feel like a failure for a certain time period. I allowed myself to feel the grief, loss, hurt, sadness...at that time in my life I used music, reading, fitness and faith to help me work through the issues and eventually START AGAIN ... to begin ...
What eventually came out of the chaos that was my life at that time ended in success. Had I not had that experience of failure I don't know that I would have EMBRACED the next stage of my life like I did. It was almost as if the failure actually STIRRED something up within and I was able to take hold of a certain STRENGTH that I didn't know was there.
It's okay to be weak. It's okay to fail. It's okay to be needy. It's okay. In fact these types of things not only appeal to the Lord they appeal to other people as well. I think anyone in your life that really cares will respect you for your efforts at honesty, but will also understand when/if you don't feel comfortable revealing everything.
Sometimes we don't reveal everything not because we are a dishonest person through and through but because we are simply not READY to have those things revealed. Not the right time, perhaps? It's a bit of a protective mechanism.
Blessed be.
(smile)
Member
Join Date: Sep 2015
Location: America
Posts: 4,136
Originally Posted by Beccybean
Yes, this.
I also reached out for help in the fellowship of AA. I found it incredibly hard to do this at first. After all, I'd been working hard to maintain that outer image (or lie) of 'Fine' for the most part of 25 - 30 years. But it was engaging in the battle to maintain that outer image that increased my 'seperateness' (for want of a better word). And my isolation and loneliness. I didn't even really let myself in, let alone anyone else. It was just one big cover up, with alcohol easing the pain of that disparity between my insides and my outsides. It was an illusion of such magnitude that I even believed it myself.
It has taken REAL strength for me to find the willingness to start to chip away that outer shell, and start taking a peek at what's underneath. And the people on here, and in the fellowship of AA have helped me find the courage to face all that 'unknown' (which incidentally, was a lot more pleasant than I'd have ever believed - not perfect of course, but perfectly okay.) I did try to go it alone initially, but after about a month sober (and sending myself loopy), I realised that there's a lot more to healthy sobriety than just stopping drinking, and to do it without the wisdom and guidance and support of others who have walked this path before me would just be allowing my pride and ego to jeopardise my sobriety. That's when I found my way to this board, and also into the rooms and fellowship of AA.
I also reached out for help in the fellowship of AA. I found it incredibly hard to do this at first. After all, I'd been working hard to maintain that outer image (or lie) of 'Fine' for the most part of 25 - 30 years. But it was engaging in the battle to maintain that outer image that increased my 'seperateness' (for want of a better word). And my isolation and loneliness. I didn't even really let myself in, let alone anyone else. It was just one big cover up, with alcohol easing the pain of that disparity between my insides and my outsides. It was an illusion of such magnitude that I even believed it myself.
It has taken REAL strength for me to find the willingness to start to chip away that outer shell, and start taking a peek at what's underneath. And the people on here, and in the fellowship of AA have helped me find the courage to face all that 'unknown' (which incidentally, was a lot more pleasant than I'd have ever believed - not perfect of course, but perfectly okay.) I did try to go it alone initially, but after about a month sober (and sending myself loopy), I realised that there's a lot more to healthy sobriety than just stopping drinking, and to do it without the wisdom and guidance and support of others who have walked this path before me would just be allowing my pride and ego to jeopardise my sobriety. That's when I found my way to this board, and also into the rooms and fellowship of AA.
Hears The Voice
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: Unshackled
Posts: 7,901
3.5 days and I learned.
Support groups work for a lot of people. You won't know if it will work for you unless you try it.
I was never hesitant to ask for support. The alcoholic living in my head hated it, though. He told me we would be just fine on our own. He is a liar and a thief.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2015
Location: Denver, CO
Posts: 12
I want to thank you all for your support. Besides my wife and kids I have no family. In my small community my jobs position makes it where everyone knows who I am. Without you guys I'd have no one to turn to without risking embarrassment. I made it last night starting over!
I wish there was a way to "thank" commenters on the mobile version of the forum like there is on the desktop version. If you don't see my thanks, just assume I already have. This is only my third day on this site and your help has already been more beneficial than you could imagine.
I wish there was a way to "thank" commenters on the mobile version of the forum like there is on the desktop version. If you don't see my thanks, just assume I already have. This is only my third day on this site and your help has already been more beneficial than you could imagine.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: northern michigan. not the U.P.
Posts: 15,281
Originally Posted by DriedShad
Has the use of a support group made anyone else feel weak? How did you get over that negative emotion and turn it into a positive one?
many years i thought help meant weakness. many years the drinking and emotional turmoil got worse.
because of pride and ego.
i got humble.
humility doesnt mean weakness.
it means teachability.
"Lack of sleep... work stress... relationship stress... the worry of another sleepless night... and I just wanted some peace."
this tells me ya may not have any coping skills. getting drunk was the one used for years.
there are ways to cope with all that IF you want to learn.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: St. Pete Beach
Posts: 35
I think the weakness i feel is because i failed and should not have let this become a problem. Reaching out and receiving support gave me strength because i went from feeling alone to feeling part of a community. The advice and encouragement allows me to gain the knowledge that i need to really get stronger. We all individually have to put in the work to really make a change in our lives, whether we use support groups or not.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2015
Location: Denver, CO
Posts: 12
Well, Tom, you're absolutely right. I don't wanna get into my life history but I was never taught how to deal with anything. But I only started drinking about 8 years ago, when I was 32. Before that a six pack would sit in my fridge for a month. I don't know exactly what triggered it but I have a good idea.
But that's why I am here. To learn how to cope without alcohol. The stress I was speaking of was caused by my lack of sleep. I was being snappy and unproductive. Which kind of put me at odds with some of my employees. It also caused tension between my wife and I. I broke not because I couldn't cope. I didn't want Friday to be even worse. Next week I will try other natural methods to help me get good rest and hopefully it won't be like this week was.
But that's why I am here. To learn how to cope without alcohol. The stress I was speaking of was caused by my lack of sleep. I was being snappy and unproductive. Which kind of put me at odds with some of my employees. It also caused tension between my wife and I. I broke not because I couldn't cope. I didn't want Friday to be even worse. Next week I will try other natural methods to help me get good rest and hopefully it won't be like this week was.
Last edited by DriedShad; 10-17-2015 at 09:19 AM. Reason: Adding "hopefully"
Do your best
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 67,047
Member
Join Date: Feb 2015
Location: MN
Posts: 8,704
There is a saying that goes around this forum "fall down 5 times, get back up 6 times". You can look at it like that. You fell, but you got back up. As long as the desire and effort are there, I don't believe you are failing. You are trying.
Regarding a support group. Yeah, I read this site for a full year before I joined. Scared to death to put my "secret" out there in public view. Best decision I ever made. I started out pretty wobbly, but I believe I've finally put it together. Living life with the shakes, no appetite and fear is no way to live at all. Wishing you the best Driedshad.
Regarding a support group. Yeah, I read this site for a full year before I joined. Scared to death to put my "secret" out there in public view. Best decision I ever made. I started out pretty wobbly, but I believe I've finally put it together. Living life with the shakes, no appetite and fear is no way to live at all. Wishing you the best Driedshad.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2015
Location: America
Posts: 4,136
Originally Posted by DriedShad
Well, Tom, you're absolutely right. I don't wanna get into my life history but I was never taught how to deal with anything. But I only started drinking about 8 years ago, when I was 32. Before that a six pack would sit in my fridge for a month. I don't know exactly what triggered it but I have a good idea.
But that's why I am here. To learn how to cope without alcohol. The stress I was speaking of was caused by my lack of sleep. I was being snappy and unproductive. Which kind of put me at odds with some of my employees. It also caused tension between my wife and I. I broke not because I couldn't cope. I didn't want Friday to be even worse. Next week I will try other natural methods to help me get good rest and hopefully it won't be like this week was.
But that's why I am here. To learn how to cope without alcohol. The stress I was speaking of was caused by my lack of sleep. I was being snappy and unproductive. Which kind of put me at odds with some of my employees. It also caused tension between my wife and I. I broke not because I couldn't cope. I didn't want Friday to be even worse. Next week I will try other natural methods to help me get good rest and hopefully it won't be like this week was.
Glad this has been helpful for you. I am a chronic insomniac and have been for years. It has been a real problem for me; partly because of the shift I work and needing to wind down as I can be for passionate and intense in the way I approach my job. My body can be very tired and my brain is still just clicking right along. There have been times when I have overmedicated myself just to get some sleep. I've needed to find healthier ways to break the cycle somehow...believe it or not I have discovered that surrender to the Lord in prayer quiets my mind very well. And so I need to be more diligent in my prayer life.
There are some good bedtime teas out there and I make mine good and strong. Also a bath or shower before bed helps. Reading or writing in a journal or on a forum like this helps me too. And I have a certain bedtime routine of personal hygiene that seems to help. All the best to you!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2015
Location: Denver, CO
Posts: 12
Originally Posted by teatreeoil007
DriedShad:
Glad this has been helpful for you. I am a chronic insomniac and have been for years. It has been a real problem for me; partly because of the shift I work and needing to wind down as I can be for passionate and intense in the way I approach my job. My body can be very tired and my brain is still just clicking right along. There have been times when I have overmedicated myself just to get some sleep. I've needed to find healthier ways to break the cycle somehow...believe it or not I have discovered that surrender to the Lord in prayer quiets my mind very well. And so I need to be more diligent in my prayer life.
There are some good bedtime teas out there and I make mine good and strong. Also a bath or shower before bed helps. Reading or writing in a journal or on a forum like this helps me too. And I have a certain bedtime routine of personal hygiene that seems to help. All the best to you!
Glad this has been helpful for you. I am a chronic insomniac and have been for years. It has been a real problem for me; partly because of the shift I work and needing to wind down as I can be for passionate and intense in the way I approach my job. My body can be very tired and my brain is still just clicking right along. There have been times when I have overmedicated myself just to get some sleep. I've needed to find healthier ways to break the cycle somehow...believe it or not I have discovered that surrender to the Lord in prayer quiets my mind very well. And so I need to be more diligent in my prayer life.
There are some good bedtime teas out there and I make mine good and strong. Also a bath or shower before bed helps. Reading or writing in a journal or on a forum like this helps me too. And I have a certain bedtime routine of personal hygiene that seems to help. All the best to you!
Member
Join Date: Sep 2015
Location: America
Posts: 4,136
Originally Posted by DriedShad
I am the same exact way! I diagnosed myself with DSPS (Delayed Sleep Phase Syndrome). You should look into it. There is a Wikipedia article on it and the Mayo Clinic has a lot of good info on their website too.
I can identify when running things through my head and THINKING about things a lot started; in my teens...like I was 16 or 17 when I started doing that...I would lay in bed and just do like a "review" of what was going on at school and in my life...mainly school stuff. I'm not bragging, but the fact is I was a very good student...and it came natural to me. We've got 4 teachers now in my family, which is kind of cool. I do a lot of hands on teaching in my job...sometimes I feel like I am teaching just as much as anything else.
Anyways, my Mom described me as "thinker" when I was a baby...I was content to be still and observe and think about things I guess.
Sometimes I also take something called Docylamine Succinate which is safe even for pregnant women. It's over the counter and it is the stuff in Nyquil that makes you sleepy but in pill form it is stronger than what is in Nyquil..
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