What have I done? How do I forgive myself?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2015
Posts: 33
What have I done? How do I forgive myself?
Oh god...
I was doing well. 3 weeks sober, 3 weeks without alcohol and without using any drugs at all (like xanax)
Then all hell broke lose. I found a packet of pills from 2013 and took the whole bottle - then I went out and bought a bottle of JD.
It's too painful to discuss what happened afterwards but I caused a lot of emotional pain to my father and girlfriend with my despicable behavior.
I ended up in ER and could have died from an overdose ( I took a lot of drugs, different types too).
How on earth do you live with yourself for hurting those you love and those who love you?
Even they've said they forgive me and understand I wasn't myself at the time - I can't forgive myself.... How can I?
I was doing well. 3 weeks sober, 3 weeks without alcohol and without using any drugs at all (like xanax)
Then all hell broke lose. I found a packet of pills from 2013 and took the whole bottle - then I went out and bought a bottle of JD.
It's too painful to discuss what happened afterwards but I caused a lot of emotional pain to my father and girlfriend with my despicable behavior.
I ended up in ER and could have died from an overdose ( I took a lot of drugs, different types too).
How on earth do you live with yourself for hurting those you love and those who love you?
Even they've said they forgive me and understand I wasn't myself at the time - I can't forgive myself.... How can I?
Sober since 1st January 2016
Join Date: Oct 2015
Location: Liverpool
Posts: 58
I'm new to all of this support malarkey mate but it seems to me that if you can do three weeks you can do three decades. The blip you described you will look back upon soon helpfully with compassion - because that wasn't you doing it.
Pick yourself up, clean the house from top to bottom to get rid of all the shite, then get back on the wagon.
Hope you sort things with your family, hopefully it's not as bad as you think buddy x
Pick yourself up, clean the house from top to bottom to get rid of all the shite, then get back on the wagon.
Hope you sort things with your family, hopefully it's not as bad as you think buddy x
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,416
I'm sorry Nick - when addiction bites back, it bites back hard.
There's not a lot you can do about whatever happened. It happened.
You could beat yourself over the head about this and maybe drink again because you feel so low - or you can take the lessons offered by this and look again at your recovery plan..beef it up where it needs to be beefed up - more support? utilising that support? more changed required?
With a good plan and a good support base to call upon, if you ever stare temptation in the face again you can make a reasoned decision to turn around and walk away
Amends can be made too - but I found they mean more with some action behind them. Just don't simply say you're done - you can show your loved ones you're done by your actions from here on in
I'm really glad you made it back
D
There's not a lot you can do about whatever happened. It happened.
You could beat yourself over the head about this and maybe drink again because you feel so low - or you can take the lessons offered by this and look again at your recovery plan..beef it up where it needs to be beefed up - more support? utilising that support? more changed required?
With a good plan and a good support base to call upon, if you ever stare temptation in the face again you can make a reasoned decision to turn around and walk away
Amends can be made too - but I found they mean more with some action behind them. Just don't simply say you're done - you can show your loved ones you're done by your actions from here on in
I'm really glad you made it back
D
dakotaboyd
Join Date: Jul 2006
Location: queensland
Posts: 51
I had to stop worrying about the people I hurt. There were just too many and it would overwhelm me every time giving me yet another reason to hate myself and use. Forgiveness from others will come when the time is right.
restoring your own humanity and self worth always seemed the hardest thing to me.
I had to make a conscious decision to do little things for people around me so that I could, after a time, go to bed at night and say to myself, "see what you did, your not that bad a guy."
After a while I believed it because I was living it and after a bit more time, other saw who and what I had become. Its in our actions that we are judged by others and broken trust is re-built over time So in my humble opinion just slowly work on building your own self worth back and the rest, I think will fall into place but don't stress on it now and use it to go further down the ladder.
Good luck
restoring your own humanity and self worth always seemed the hardest thing to me.
I had to make a conscious decision to do little things for people around me so that I could, after a time, go to bed at night and say to myself, "see what you did, your not that bad a guy."
After a while I believed it because I was living it and after a bit more time, other saw who and what I had become. Its in our actions that we are judged by others and broken trust is re-built over time So in my humble opinion just slowly work on building your own self worth back and the rest, I think will fall into place but don't stress on it now and use it to go further down the ladder.
Good luck
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,492
I'm sorry Nick, that sounds very scary and upsetting for your loved ones.
The thing is you must forgive yourself to move on. That does not mean you should forget what happened. In fact, use what happened and the emotions you are feeling now, to propel you back into recovery. This disease wants you to fail and you must keep fighting.
For your family, the best thing you can do is to stay sober and show them, every day, that you are changing.
The thing is you must forgive yourself to move on. That does not mean you should forget what happened. In fact, use what happened and the emotions you are feeling now, to propel you back into recovery. This disease wants you to fail and you must keep fighting.
For your family, the best thing you can do is to stay sober and show them, every day, that you are changing.
Forum Leader
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Wisconsin, USA
Posts: 16,945
Sorry to hear that Nick, lots of good advice here. I'd also add that all you can do is make a commitment to live sober from this point forward. You have no control over the past, and your actions will speak much louder than your words. Do whatever you can to find support for your sobriety and make it your absolute number one priority over anything else in your life.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2014
Posts: 8,637
You'll be amazed what time and sobriety will allow you to forgive.
Self-forgiveness is a process and it isn't easy, it isn't fast, and it takes action. It takes honesty. It takes focus.
But it starts by not drinking, not drugging and doing the work with honesty and rigor.
You can do it.
Self-forgiveness is a process and it isn't easy, it isn't fast, and it takes action. It takes honesty. It takes focus.
But it starts by not drinking, not drugging and doing the work with honesty and rigor.
You can do it.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2015
Posts: 507
Many of us here can imagine how you're feeling right now. But what happened has happened. You can't change that. But you do have power over what you choose to do next. I feel the key is to look at those 3 weeks not as a sign of failure because you relapsed, but a sign that you are capable of doing this. That was 3 weeks of your body and your relationships having time to heal. Of not inflicting more damage on yourself and others. That's something to be genuinely proud of. And now you just need to figure out what went wrong. It's likely you will find yourself in a situation again where drugs/alcohol are available even if you don't have any more in your house. How will you deal with that? You could, for example, vow that you will post on here before taking anything. That's helped many people on here avoid taking that first drink. Or having someone you trust, a friend, family member or sponsor that you can call any time. Basically, don't leave anything to chance. Have a plan for any situation you might find yourself in that challenges what you want the most, so you can look forward to a new permanently sober lifestyle.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: Gulf Coast, USA
Posts: 2,229
Nick, a lot of good advice here already.
-Don't use this as an excuse to continue drinking / using.
-Don't beat yourself up too badly, what has happened can't be undone.
-Never forget what happened, learn from your mistake and never make the same one again.
-Most importantly, stay clean. With time, you can redefine yourself to those you hurt.
Nick, you've got the power to never let that happen again. You made it 3 weeks which is awesome and proves you can get through the early hurdles. You've just got to revise your plan and get back at it.
Stay strong and lean on us as much as you need.
-Don't use this as an excuse to continue drinking / using.
-Don't beat yourself up too badly, what has happened can't be undone.
-Never forget what happened, learn from your mistake and never make the same one again.
-Most importantly, stay clean. With time, you can redefine yourself to those you hurt.
Nick, you've got the power to never let that happen again. You made it 3 weeks which is awesome and proves you can get through the early hurdles. You've just got to revise your plan and get back at it.
Stay strong and lean on us as much as you need.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Ireland
Posts: 25,826
No point beating yourself up, the past can't be changed.
But what we can do, is write a better future, with real change you'll put some distance between the addictions as a result of your addiction and your new Sober life!!
But what we can do, is write a better future, with real change you'll put some distance between the addictions as a result of your addiction and your new Sober life!!
Trudgin
Join Date: Jul 2014
Posts: 6,348
Most of us here have been on the merry go round many times. Unfortunately, the events as described don't ever promise we get another chance at sobriety. Many simply succumb to the addiction.
Your loved ones as simply relieved you're ok and alive at this point. What you decide to do going forward is the action which can relieve your pain.
Acceptance came before everything. We all had to reach that point of looking in the mirror and come to the realization of who we had become and our circumstances. Either we accepted we could no longer drink/use or most likely perish.
I have many friends who went to rehab - both on SR and in the rooms. There are many options available today. All of those options start with acceptance though, imo. Until then we simply keep doing the same things over and over
You are not alone, friend. We've all been there - keep posting, don't beat yourself up and move forward.
It's those next steps you choose that will make the potential difference in your life and those whom you love.
keep coming back
Your loved ones as simply relieved you're ok and alive at this point. What you decide to do going forward is the action which can relieve your pain.
Acceptance came before everything. We all had to reach that point of looking in the mirror and come to the realization of who we had become and our circumstances. Either we accepted we could no longer drink/use or most likely perish.
I have many friends who went to rehab - both on SR and in the rooms. There are many options available today. All of those options start with acceptance though, imo. Until then we simply keep doing the same things over and over
You are not alone, friend. We've all been there - keep posting, don't beat yourself up and move forward.
It's those next steps you choose that will make the potential difference in your life and those whom you love.
keep coming back
Member
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: northern michigan. not the U.P.
Posts: 15,281
Originally Posted by NickOz21 
Oh god...
I was doing well. 3 weeks sober, 3 weeks without alcohol and without using any drugs at all (like xanax)
Then all hell broke lose. I found a packet of pills from 2013 and took the whole bottle - then I went out and bought a bottle of JD.
It's too painful to discuss what happened afterwards but I caused a lot of emotional pain to my father and girlfriend with my despicable behavior.
I ended up in ER and could have died from an overdose ( I took a lot of drugs, different types too).
How on earth do you live with yourself for hurting those you love and those who love you?
Even they've said they forgive me and understand I wasn't myself at the time - I can't forgive myself.... How can I?
I was doing well. 3 weeks sober, 3 weeks without alcohol and without using any drugs at all (like xanax)
Then all hell broke lose. I found a packet of pills from 2013 and took the whole bottle - then I went out and bought a bottle of JD.
It's too painful to discuss what happened afterwards but I caused a lot of emotional pain to my father and girlfriend with my despicable behavior.
I ended up in ER and could have died from an overdose ( I took a lot of drugs, different types too).
How on earth do you live with yourself for hurting those you love and those who love you?
Even they've said they forgive me and understand I wasn't myself at the time - I can't forgive myself.... How can I?
and admitted alcohol was the common denominator in all my problems a decided to do something about it. i didnt want to just stop drinking.
i also didnt want to be who i was anymore.
and found my way to aa.
i learned i wasnt a bad man,just a sick man and there was a solution.
so i worked the program of aa.
i can look tbe world in the eye today. i dont hate myself any more. feel pretty good about who i am.
and all the past actions?
i can say," yup, i did all that. i dont condone my behavior back then. i put in a lot of work changing me and im not that person any more."
it didnt happen automatically. took quite a bit of time and action before i could even believe i was worth changing me and my life.
but it happened.
today i accept my past. it no longer haunts me and is a very valuable posession i have.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: northern michigan. not the U.P.
Posts: 15,281
Originally Posted by Physics4Life
Thank you, tomsteve.
I needed that.
I ****** up everything on my last drunk and it was quite recent.
I needed that.
I ****** up everything on my last drunk and it was quite recent.a bad man wouldnt feel remorse for the actions.
youre just a sick man.
but there IS a solution.
and i hope ya want to start living in the solution.
you could start tonight by lookin at yourself in the mirror and telling yourself you love you. do it every morning,night, and when youre near a mirror.
dont drink.
and look into tne different solutions available.
as said, for me that was the program of aa. heres some of the promises of the program that happened for me:
If we are painstaking about this phase of our development, we will be amazed before we are halfway through. We are going to know a new freedom and a new happiness. We will not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it. We will comprehend the word serenity and we will know peace. No matter how far down the scale we have gone, we will see how our experience can benefit others. The feeling of uselessness and self-pity will disappear. We will lose interest in selfish things and gain interest in our fellows. Self seeking will slip away. Our whole attitude and outlook upon life will change. Fear of people and of economic insecurity will leave us. We will intuitively know how to handle situations which used to baffle us. We will suddenly realize that God is doing for us what we could not do for ourselves.
Are these extravagant promises? We think not. They are being fulfilled among us - sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly. They will always materialize if we work for them.
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