Marylynn123456

I left aa in 2013 because of harassment now I drink on and off and it's been ok except on my birthday I got very violent. I'm tired of this and I don't want to go back to aa because I felt worse so I thought I would try this. I don't know what to do anymore trying to follow the 12 steps just ain't doing it I feel like I'm hopeless and just want to finish myself off before I hurt myself or someone else and go to prison. I'm scared that's where I'm headed and I don't feel like there's a way to stop it from happening praying doesn't help anymore nothing helps that use to help I had 6 and a half years without a drink now I have a prescription pill addiction. I just want it over. I tried so hard and I failed. I feel so hopeless

biminiblue

Welcome to the site, Marylynn. Spend some time reading deep into this site, there is a lot of wisdom and resources here.

Lots of us had long-term sobriety and went back to drinking. I quit for many years and went back. Now I'm coming up on 20 months - Round Two. I used mostly this site, though I did go to AA meetings in the first few months. They helped, but I couldn't go all in so I decided to leave.

Have you thought about a medical detox or rehab? There is a way out, keep searching.

JimC60

Welcome Marylynn!

Like BB said there is a wealth of knowledge on this site -- take advantage of it.

".....now I have a prescription pill addiction." I will not pry, but if these pills are opiates you will probably need some professional medical help at least for detoxing.

My daughter was personally very motivated to quit using Oxy and Opana; she detoxed herself twice with no medical assistance. She picked up within just a few days after each round of self-detoxing - all of the pain and virtually no gain. I am not saying that you would do the same, just relating her experience.

She then detoxed once in a residential rehab with a bit of short term medication assistance (Suboxone just for 5 or 6 days); finished her 28 day stay in the rehab and has been clean ever since - 20 months so far. She works her program every day.

Keep coming back,

Jim

Soberween

I know what you mean about the twelve steps. It definitely didn't hurt doing them, but it also wasn't the epiphany that so many others say finally got them sober. Maybe try helping other alcoholics. When I am of service, I feel most confident in my own skin and my sobriety is at it's strongest.

Dee74

Hi and welcome Marylynn

Like others have said you'll find a lot of support here

You don't say what pills you're addicted to, but I think Jim and Bim are probably right, in that professional medical advice could help?

D

PurpleKnight

Welcome to the Forum Marylynn!!

Soberpotamus

Hi Marylynn, don't give up. It may seem hopeless but it's not. You can beat this. This forum is a great place to start.

Soberwolf

Welcome MaryLynn nice to meet you,

I had to take alcohol off the menu FULL STOP no matter what I promised myself no more drinking I still had cravings to drink even though it almost took my life - go figure

I had to go through withdrawal I started speaking to my Dr & I started going group therapy which really helped

There was once a time where the idea of me being sober was impossible yesterday I reached 27 months I'm not bragging i say as it really is possible and so it is for you

If you have got sober before then you know that it's possible too

Have you got a plan ?

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ful-links.html

Hevyn

Good to have you with us, Marylynn. This is a friendly, non-judgmental place - we all understand what you're going through. Please keep posting & reading.

Anna

Hi Marylynn,

I think it's fairly common to feel hopeless in the throes of addiction. I know I sure did. Have faith that you can do this. We are here to support you.

Marylynn123456

I've been isolated ever since I moved out of the city to the country. I'm not good at meeting people. Thanks u everyone for your support. I'm trying to hang on. I've had a lot of Health problems for 5 years nothing but Drs anyway the pills I have trouble with are mostly Xanax I just can't get off them but I also have had plenty of trouble with all kinds of painkillers I'm able to stop those without any major withdrawal because it was periodic and I had an overdose 2 years ago and died. I went into respiratory arrest and the ambulance happened to b on the area that's why I'm not dead I was blue and my mother found me. I didn't even know what happened and how I ended up on the floor. I was called a miracle in the hospital because I had enough in me to kill 3 people and my heart was going so slow when they got there they had trouble finding a pulse anyway after that I ran out of that state and came to the country which kept me off them cause I was away from everything and everyone the problem is now I'm isolated I have many disabilities and I'm only 35 so out of boredom I ended up drinking here and I've had a few brushes with death and lucky I haven't been arrested but it's a small town and the cops watch me it just makes me more paranoid to even go out. I did service for years in aa I told my story it really helped but certain things happened there that just really caused me to become very bitter and mistrusting of people. I've been trying to get over that but I can't help how I feel no matter how hard I try to let it go. I'm not bashing aa I had good experiences and there were a few people that were very helpful and some of the service I did helped very much. I just feel I can't go back there anymore everytime I tried and it was many I would leave in such a rage or angry during the meeting and did better for quite some time without going and the anger subsided quite a bit and I was starting to forgive as much as was possible so I'm afraid if I go I'll get all angry again. Does anyone understand or have experienced something like this and how do I get over this and should I even go back or maybe just stick with this and write it out on here. I really don't know and I don't know if I make sense to anyone out there thanks again for the posts👍

teatreeoil007

Hi Marylynn-Welcome to SR.

It looks like to me you've been through a lot and are continuing to go through a lot.

One important thing that I "see" underlying much of what you have shared is a yearning desire, maybe even a desperation to get some HOPE back into your life. You are so not alone in that quest as when people feel lost and isolated and struggling and sick of being sick they can also have hopelessness mixed in...which all those things by themselves are bad enough. But when a person feels they have no hope on top of all that...well that's kind of an indescribably barren and desolate place to be.

I've been there, all of us here have been there. One thing that has always helped me in dire straights is my faith in God...I think AA and what not call it "higher power" or HP nowadays. I truly believe we have a Creator that is always there, always ready for when we cry out in desperation....hears the cries of the needy.

It's OKAY to be NEEDY!! I wish to emphasize that. Nothing to be ashamed of. Some of us have been conditioned and brought up and trained that we HAVE to be strong...but the fact is most of us are weak and/or have weaknesses and need help.

I needed to overcome that particular mindset.

Glad you've shared what you have. There are those who care whom I consider an extension of the Love of God.

BeWell!

Marylynn123456

Thank u for everything u just said and it's true. I was raised I always have to b strong and I took that and held everything in. Thank u for those very touching words. God bless❤️

ladyboo

Marylynn- if you need to actually detox off Xanax- you may need professional help with that- please ask your doc for advice- it's often not safe to detox yourself off of it. Otherwise- this site is a very good place for sobriety assistance. Their are many other methods other than AA- which works really well for some, but not for all. I currently am loving the book- Rational Recovery- their are many, many links on this site about other methods. Hang in there- cut out any & all alcohol & pain pills, minimize the Xanax- this will clear your head quite a bit & help you think more clearly. Best of luck! Hope to keep seeing you here on this forum!

Marylynn123456

. I've tried to cut down Xanax many times just a little and I shake and can't sleep so I always have to go back to what I take and some days I take extra cause it doesn't help me sleep if I tell the dr they cut u off and send u cold to a 7 day place which is all insurance covers I'm afraid to tell them cause they did this to someone in my family and he had panic attacks and was afraid of having seizures and I had to give him some of mine cause it's so dangerous and cause of that I don't say anything they don't understand how bad this detox is it really has horrible psychological effects it's like going out of your mind I regret ever going on them if I knew about those dangers I would've said no thank you but was never told and then I find out later it's not something to take everyday and they didn't tell me that. I really feel like it's impossible. If I lived back in the city I use to live in then it would definitely b possible but this state is just crazy I can try to cut pieces but it never lasts I can only handle the anxiety and shaking for so long and it's dangerous if I drive like that. There has to b an antidote but probably insurance won't cover it. I know these Xanax effect my mind and my mood I can see how I've become on them and it's not me. The pain pills so much easier to get off of I'm not too concerned about that I'm more concerned with the drinking and the Xanax right now cause I really don't want the damn pain meds I've had enough of that drama

biminiblue

MaryLynn, there is a way out, but you're painting yourself into a corner by not allowing the doctors to medically detox you and not being willing to be uncomfortable while weaning yourself off the Xanax. Lots of people are able to do it, why do you suppose you're unwilling?

I'm not sure what you're asking for in this thread.

SoberInCLE

I hear a lot of desire to quit and I hope you continue visiting this site and read about all the people with similar struggles so you don't feel alone.

Marylynn123456

I'm not asking for **** just venting frustration

Cascabel

Marylinn. There is a saying among recovering alcoholics and addicts that "nothing changes if nothing changes". If you really want to get away from your addiction to Xanax then you are going to have to change some things. These changes are going to take you far away from your comfort zone but if you don't make them you are stuck where you are.

Xanax is a benzodiazepine. Cold turkey withdrawal from benzo addiction can kill you; don't try it. To successfully withdraw you will need to be in a medically supervised tapering program and you will be pretty uncomfortable for a while. It is worth it though. Don't think of it as giving up Xanax, think of it as emancipation.

There are state, county and non-profit charitable programs in most states that are there to help you. Do some research, find one and get started on a life of freedom. Good luck!

Marylynn123456

I'm not good with researching how do I find out about these nonprofit programs I didn't even know about this. Do u know how I can go about this. That would b great