Ups and DOWNS....
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Join Date: Jan 2014
Posts: 8,637
Ups and DOWNS....
Yesterday was kind of a no good, terrible, awful, very bad day.
I had to endure 2.5 hours of mediation with my ex. Just being in the same room with her is tremendously difficult. The trauma of that relationship and the on-going stress of dealing with trying to co-parent with a person who very likely has BPD is a major challenge spot for me. Yesterday's experience - as part of an ongoing court action I've had to bring - was trying to say the least and brought on a great deal of anxiety.
Then everywhere I turn at work is a major problem. Typical Q4 crises loom, everyone wants everything yesterday, there is more work than time, more requests than people. My team are worn down and I am too. The corporate machine doesn't care - it simply demands on. That is fatiguing. From 5am until 9pm I was dealing with issues in the US, Europe and then Asia-Pac. I went to bed at 9:30 feeling hit by a truck.
For the past several weeks I've again been plagued by an odd sort of sadness, melancholy, anxiety combination that I can't really place, but it's there. This is the second year in a row so it's now becoming perhaps a pattern. Reflecting backward, I'm trying to see if it's been a pattern all my life. Hard to really tell, between the way I've moved around the world, the use of alcohol and drugs that influenced or masked things, the haze of a poor memory due to addiction. But for sure in sobriety, it's become pronounced. I am low on energy, more prone to stress, having issues with my libido and my physical relationship with my Lady..... all of this could easily drive a guy to drink if he saw that as the answer.
But life HAS ups and DOWNS. And sobriety hasn't taken those away. Maybe in some ways, it's even brought some of those ups and downs into sharper focus because for once I'm actually feeling them. Yet I don't want to drink over it. I want to feel it. I want to roll with it. I want to learn and grow through it. I have faith that it's all a part of my process, my journey. Even though I woke this morning at 4am with a headache (trying to cut back on caffeine again) and insomnia (plagued with THAT last Fall and early winter as well) I am still not going to drink over it. Even though I lay there in bed with an ice pack on my head, mind racing and fretting over work and family and social issues - still I felt OK with it. Still I thought to myself "well, it's not going to last forever... nothing ever does". Even though I'm frustrated and anxious with a lot of things right now, I'm able to look at it with perspective and recognize that as a human being - I'm going to be frustrated and anxious sometimes. I know that's not the state I will live the rest of my life in, and even amid the frustration and anxiety - I can ask myself "what have I to be grateful for?" and I can instantly begin making a list.
And that list goes on.... and on.... and on......
So you see, sobriety hasn't taken away the ups or the downs.
But it has brought me peace.
I had to endure 2.5 hours of mediation with my ex. Just being in the same room with her is tremendously difficult. The trauma of that relationship and the on-going stress of dealing with trying to co-parent with a person who very likely has BPD is a major challenge spot for me. Yesterday's experience - as part of an ongoing court action I've had to bring - was trying to say the least and brought on a great deal of anxiety.
Then everywhere I turn at work is a major problem. Typical Q4 crises loom, everyone wants everything yesterday, there is more work than time, more requests than people. My team are worn down and I am too. The corporate machine doesn't care - it simply demands on. That is fatiguing. From 5am until 9pm I was dealing with issues in the US, Europe and then Asia-Pac. I went to bed at 9:30 feeling hit by a truck.
For the past several weeks I've again been plagued by an odd sort of sadness, melancholy, anxiety combination that I can't really place, but it's there. This is the second year in a row so it's now becoming perhaps a pattern. Reflecting backward, I'm trying to see if it's been a pattern all my life. Hard to really tell, between the way I've moved around the world, the use of alcohol and drugs that influenced or masked things, the haze of a poor memory due to addiction. But for sure in sobriety, it's become pronounced. I am low on energy, more prone to stress, having issues with my libido and my physical relationship with my Lady..... all of this could easily drive a guy to drink if he saw that as the answer.
But life HAS ups and DOWNS. And sobriety hasn't taken those away. Maybe in some ways, it's even brought some of those ups and downs into sharper focus because for once I'm actually feeling them. Yet I don't want to drink over it. I want to feel it. I want to roll with it. I want to learn and grow through it. I have faith that it's all a part of my process, my journey. Even though I woke this morning at 4am with a headache (trying to cut back on caffeine again) and insomnia (plagued with THAT last Fall and early winter as well) I am still not going to drink over it. Even though I lay there in bed with an ice pack on my head, mind racing and fretting over work and family and social issues - still I felt OK with it. Still I thought to myself "well, it's not going to last forever... nothing ever does". Even though I'm frustrated and anxious with a lot of things right now, I'm able to look at it with perspective and recognize that as a human being - I'm going to be frustrated and anxious sometimes. I know that's not the state I will live the rest of my life in, and even amid the frustration and anxiety - I can ask myself "what have I to be grateful for?" and I can instantly begin making a list.
And that list goes on.... and on.... and on......
So you see, sobriety hasn't taken away the ups or the downs.
But it has brought me peace.
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Join Date: May 2012
Location: US East Coast
Posts: 14,285
FreeOwl, have you considered SAD? I'm not a dr but do have those symptoms at this time of year every year. It's not strictly all "blues" and melancholy is certainly an ingredient. I get anxious because I don't get as much done. This may not be your situation but just thought I'd ask.
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Join Date: Jan 2014
Posts: 8,637
Originally Posted by Saskia 
FreeOwl, have you considered SAD? I'm not a dr but do have those symptoms at this time of year every year. It's not strictly all "blues" and melancholy is certainly an ingredient. I get anxious because I don't get as much done. This may not be your situation but just thought I'd ask.
That's a really tough one because I am a coffee addict. Go figure...
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