chloebaby

Its hard to explain but I feel like im not the same person anymore. I feel kinda lost like im a stranger to myself. Even towards my boyfriend who I have put through a lot and is still here. I even gave him an out while in rehab.I am confused about feeling so disconnected. Part of me just feels like I should end it and start somewhere alone. I have no inome, no job, no cr anymore but the though of going to a homeless shelter and starting again sounds stupidly appealing. Plus it would take pressure off my bf from having to support me considering e is so stressed from work lately. He also drinks occassionally and has a 26 of vodka sitting out on the counter. Par of me thinks its cuz he has faith I won't touch it but anotger I part of me thinks he is trying to test me or that he hopes I will screw up. I am not even sure im making sense but I just had to get it out.

Anna

Hi Chloe,

I think it's not surprising that you feel like a stranger to yourself because the changes in early recovery are profound. I know I had to get used to my new self in the early days. I have no advice as to whether you should leave or stay, but I would say that you don't have to make the decision at this moment. Have you considered doing a job search so you can have some independent income and begin to move on?

ScottFromWI

While we are still the same person we were while drinking, our outlook on life definitely changes when we quit. That's why it's vitally important to have a support network and/or some kind of plan to move forward.

Nearly all of us have underlying issues that are now in the forefront once we quit too. None of the psychological issues, social or family issues change with the removal of alcohol. But we DO gain a much greater awareness and ability to cope with these issues once we quit drinking.

Are there any counseling or follow up resources available from your IOP program? Have you considered attending meetings of any kind to get some face to face support?

Regarding the issues with your BF I'd absolutely bring up the fact that he's leaving bottles of alcohol sitting out. Part of sobriety is setting boundaries and i'd say that's across the line to leave alcohol blatantly in the open on your return from Rehab. Have you discussed it with him?

chloebaby

Thanks for tge reply. I have already sent my resumes out to approx 20 jobs since yesterdy. I know I will find the wait just sucks. Lol

tomsteve

welp,chloe, would ya want to feel like the same person pre rehab?
its all new to ya now,eh? yeah, i can relate.
i spent quite a few years in a bottle(with other drugs mixed in along the way) so THAT way of thinking and feeling was all i really knew.
aftwr i got sober and the fog lifted i was....welp....i didnt know what i was. didnt know who i was. didnt know how to live life on lifes terms. i didnt know crap !!

but i made a choice to start lookin inside myself and find out what makes me tick and how to change me. wanted to change my actions,too.

took a lot of footwork and T.I.M.E. but i learned who i am and love who i am today.

give it T.I.M.E. chloe. if ya work on you the feelings and emotions will change for the better a d youll learn who ya are.

Soberwolf

Fwiw I think your amazing

zjw

isnt it something? I sobered up and went through a lengthy who the heck am I phase I thnk at 4+ years sobriety i'm still going through it to some degree. Its exciting but also like how did i get here?

I went through a long period of time where I simply wanted to go for a walk. like walk out my front door with the clothes on my back and just keep walking till? and to? I even say it a lot too I'm gonna go for my walk rate this is all going etc... I think it worries my wife at times. I saw that movie into the wild and it inspired me a fair amt. I can see how exciting it would be etc..

I'm probably one of the few that would say yeah ya know going to a shelter could be an adventure and kind cool and well a totally interesting expierience. Its all about perspective. Others might say it woudl totally stink and you must be nuts.

But in the last few months rather then thinking I'm gonna go for a walk ! I 've started to think maybe i'm already on my walk?

hang in there!

zjw

here is a quote from into the wild by Alexander Supertramp

"My days were more exciting when I was penniless and had to forage around for my next meal, I've decided that I'm going to live this life for some time to come. The freedom and simple beauty of it is just too good to pass up. One day I'll get back to you, Wayne, and repay some of your kindness."

OnMyWay7

I can also relate. Sometimes I get an idea of who I am but not what I like and what I don't. I read my 9 year olds school writing today and she was talking about her family and for me she said I like to take walks. Now walks are ok but then I thought - well besides drinking (which I spent most of my time doing up until 9 months ago - drinking and work I didn't do much for me. Still don't - weird.

Dee74

The first 3 months I had no idea who I was - but I knew I hated the person that drinking had made me, so I kept moving forward.

It worked out - turns out I was a pretty nice person .

Have faith Chloebaby - you're doing the right thing

D

MythOfSisyphus

It's scary to feel like you don't know who you are, chloe. But try to turn it around; you've probably spent years wishing you were someone or something else. Now is your chance to become what you want to be, to become who you really are. It's a challenge but also an opportunity. As hard as it is right now this is that intermediate stage that will help you to get where you have to go. Consider this your "pupae stage" on the way to becoming a butterfly! You'll come out the other side strong and beautiful. Just give yourself a chance!

chloebaby

Thank you everyone! I'm sorry been offline for a bit. I talked to my bf and he promptly got rid of the bottle. I realize after a few days that this is gonna be a bumpy ride but things are getting better. Most of my issues are with my negative over analysing things and being negative. Passed some testing to continue to have a job interview Monday. I'm only a little worried because of my knee mcl injury which is still hurting but I need to work. I still can't believe all the damage I did to myself physically from drinking arghh. Anyway I'm on my 33rd day :-)

Soberwolf

Way to go Chloe 33 days is fantastic good luck with your knee & interview