Advice needed about my alcoholic mother!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2015
Posts: 6
Advice needed about my alcoholic mother!
Hey guys, I am new to this forum & found it only by doing a broad internet search on disowning alcoholic parents.
I have read every internet article I could find but I am still not content about my feelings so I thought I'd give this a go, hoping others personal experiences would make me feel more at ease about my thoughts & possible decisions.
All of this started back when I was 13 years old (I am now 23)
My father left my mother for a life of gambling, so we thought, which is when my mother started drinking alcohol.
What I can remember was her being drunk at the window waiting for him to come home while I was always trying to bring her back to bed.
Anyway, when he came home to visit me after he had only been gone for two weeks, I begged him to come back home & he did.
Family life from then on for my parents seemed quite normal but I believe my mother never stopped drinking.
I always had a hard time fitting in at school, never had many, if any friends, my school work struggled & my parents never felt encouragement was necessary, it was easier for them to tell me to just take the day off.
Fast forward two years, I got involved with the wrong croud & at 15 years old I decided to run away from home, used many drugs, all for the sake of fitting in.
That lasted for about a year until I chose to pull myself together, get a job & find my own place to live as I had no intention to move back home with my parents.
My mother & I were on speaking terms once I got myself better.
Once I turned 17, I had gone to visit my mother which is when I found out my father had left once again, this time for good.
He admitted he didn't enjoy the family life & had more fun partying, using & selling drugs, which brought money & women.
I have no contact with him at all anymore & even though untimely I know drinking is my mother's choice I can't help blaming him for leaving & letting his family unravel & children suffer.
That is when I made the worst decision of my life - to support my mother & move back in with her.
She become a heavy drinker, drowning her sorrows.
I called the ambulance on eight different occasions after overdosing on alcohol & prescription medication, all eight times she was on life support.
Anyway, I could tell you heaps of drunken stories & how I've had to pick up the pieces but I think you get the picture.
I have been caring for my mother for seven years & she has no intention of changing, it's actually getting worse.
I never had a chance to get a job, do any type of study let alone find a hobby that I might enjoy.
I have no friends & feel socially awkward in most situations.
My mother blames me for being the reason my father left because he told her he realised when I ran away that when us kids grow up & move out he would be stuck alone with her.
She's mentally abusive towards me & anything I try to pursue in life, our home environment is unstable, not safe & I feel isolated.
I am at my wits end, I can't bare to live in this downward sprial with her anymore.
The one & only good thing in my life is my fiance who is a wonderful, all round stable man who wants to get me away from all this mess, he is the only thing keeping me sane.
We are trying to move forward & start our lives together even though my mother always has something negative to say about it.
We have just bought a house together (yes, the guilt of leaving my mum is why I chose a house that is a five min walk to hers, which I'm starting to regret)
We move in a couple of months & out of family loyalty I feel like I should continue to stay in close contact with her while trying to help her but at the same time we want to start our own family & I don't want her negativity to be brought into our lives anymore.
So my question is, should I continue putting my time, energy & sanity into helping her which quite frankly she doesn't appreciate as she always let's me know that I do absolutely nothing for her & that she doesn't need me,
Should I accept that I can't help her anymore & set boundaries being I can only communicate with her when she's sobar or should I cut her out of my life completely?
I want my life with my fiance & our future family to be completely happy with no negativity brought in by her, if I don't cut her off completely, will my children be affected having her around even with boundaries in place?
How do I keep her in my life without letting her negativity effect us?
Oh, by the way, I have considered councselling which is extremely scary if I do admit, but it's impossible atleast until I move out as there is no way I can get away from my mother without suspicion arising.
Please help, I'm so lost & I feel so guilty.
P.s thank you for reading this extremely long post, I don't mean to ramble & I understand if you don't have any input.
I have read every internet article I could find but I am still not content about my feelings so I thought I'd give this a go, hoping others personal experiences would make me feel more at ease about my thoughts & possible decisions.
All of this started back when I was 13 years old (I am now 23)
My father left my mother for a life of gambling, so we thought, which is when my mother started drinking alcohol.
What I can remember was her being drunk at the window waiting for him to come home while I was always trying to bring her back to bed.
Anyway, when he came home to visit me after he had only been gone for two weeks, I begged him to come back home & he did.
Family life from then on for my parents seemed quite normal but I believe my mother never stopped drinking.
I always had a hard time fitting in at school, never had many, if any friends, my school work struggled & my parents never felt encouragement was necessary, it was easier for them to tell me to just take the day off.
Fast forward two years, I got involved with the wrong croud & at 15 years old I decided to run away from home, used many drugs, all for the sake of fitting in.
That lasted for about a year until I chose to pull myself together, get a job & find my own place to live as I had no intention to move back home with my parents.
My mother & I were on speaking terms once I got myself better.
Once I turned 17, I had gone to visit my mother which is when I found out my father had left once again, this time for good.
He admitted he didn't enjoy the family life & had more fun partying, using & selling drugs, which brought money & women.
I have no contact with him at all anymore & even though untimely I know drinking is my mother's choice I can't help blaming him for leaving & letting his family unravel & children suffer.
That is when I made the worst decision of my life - to support my mother & move back in with her.
She become a heavy drinker, drowning her sorrows.
I called the ambulance on eight different occasions after overdosing on alcohol & prescription medication, all eight times she was on life support.
Anyway, I could tell you heaps of drunken stories & how I've had to pick up the pieces but I think you get the picture.
I have been caring for my mother for seven years & she has no intention of changing, it's actually getting worse.
I never had a chance to get a job, do any type of study let alone find a hobby that I might enjoy.
I have no friends & feel socially awkward in most situations.
My mother blames me for being the reason my father left because he told her he realised when I ran away that when us kids grow up & move out he would be stuck alone with her.
She's mentally abusive towards me & anything I try to pursue in life, our home environment is unstable, not safe & I feel isolated.
I am at my wits end, I can't bare to live in this downward sprial with her anymore.
The one & only good thing in my life is my fiance who is a wonderful, all round stable man who wants to get me away from all this mess, he is the only thing keeping me sane.
We are trying to move forward & start our lives together even though my mother always has something negative to say about it.
We have just bought a house together (yes, the guilt of leaving my mum is why I chose a house that is a five min walk to hers, which I'm starting to regret)
We move in a couple of months & out of family loyalty I feel like I should continue to stay in close contact with her while trying to help her but at the same time we want to start our own family & I don't want her negativity to be brought into our lives anymore.
So my question is, should I continue putting my time, energy & sanity into helping her which quite frankly she doesn't appreciate as she always let's me know that I do absolutely nothing for her & that she doesn't need me,
Should I accept that I can't help her anymore & set boundaries being I can only communicate with her when she's sobar or should I cut her out of my life completely?
I want my life with my fiance & our future family to be completely happy with no negativity brought in by her, if I don't cut her off completely, will my children be affected having her around even with boundaries in place?
How do I keep her in my life without letting her negativity effect us?
Oh, by the way, I have considered councselling which is extremely scary if I do admit, but it's impossible atleast until I move out as there is no way I can get away from my mother without suspicion arising.
Please help, I'm so lost & I feel so guilty.
P.s thank you for reading this extremely long post, I don't mean to ramble & I understand if you don't have any input.
I could see peace instead of this
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Canada, eh
Posts: 2,360
Welcome to SR, caus!
The Family and Friends section here has a lot of support and you might want to check out AlAnon, too. It will help you if you want to keep her in your life without her behaviour affecting you.
Read up on codependency; I found The Language of Letting Go by Melody Beattie helpful. Finding a good counsellor that understands these issues is also a good idea.
You can love and care for your mother without having her make your life miserable.
The Family and Friends section here has a lot of support and you might want to check out AlAnon, too. It will help you if you want to keep her in your life without her behaviour affecting you.
Read up on codependency; I found The Language of Letting Go by Melody Beattie helpful. Finding a good counsellor that understands these issues is also a good idea.
You can love and care for your mother without having her make your life miserable.
Do your best
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 67,047
Welcome Caus, youl find so much support here congrats on moving in with your fiancé & sorry for what brings you here
Counselling is a great idea & I think you have every right to have some distance your nobody's doormat
do not feel guilty building a better life for yourself
Counselling is a great idea & I think you have every right to have some distance your nobody's doormat
do not feel guilty building a better life for yourself
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 5,229
I got a simlier post in the alcohlism section about my mother. difference is I'm further down the road then you in one sense. I'm 37 and my mother is still living in her pit. Mine doesnt drink shes just very depressed adn its one health problem after another and one poor decision after another. I too lived with her and was cleaning up her messes. I was her handy man and helped out with the bills and doing stuff a /husband/ should be doing. My mom was the same way husband left and she never could pick herself up off the matt. Even before all that she was already down in the dumps. and if you cleane dup her messes for her and bailed her out of her pit she'd promptly jump right back in.
Like you i got engaged. My wife / fiance at the time ecouraged me to move out and not move right around the corner. My mom would have to learn to call a plumber painter electriciain handy man whatever on her own. I could not do all those things AND start a family etc.. and tend to my own home etc.. It was the best thing I could do for me and for her. I felt like a big weight was lifted off my shoulders. I'd hoped that she 'd come around but she hasnt yet 17? years later .
I know that guilt all to well. my mom is visiting me currently and she works very hard to suck me into her pity party. No way. I know I probably come accross as cold and uncareing at times. But I just cannot shoulder her load anymore. It sucked the friggen life out of me. Just having her visit its like there is this dark cloud in the air and I can feel myself going down its hard to keep from slipping into /her/ pit. But I got just a few more days of this.
My advice? be strong. move forward with your life and what you have to do. be very matter of fact with her sorry i cant do that on tuesday i'm busy or I have to take care of my issues etc.. Suddenly become unavailable and too busy it'll be hard at first but its the only way it'll get better at least for you anyhow. She has to want to change for things to get better for her and there is not much you can do to make that happen.
Buying a house so close is pretty scary EEPS I get why you did that the guilt is terrible!! but YIKES! I'm not sure how to get aorund that hang some thick curtains and pull them closed and turn the lights out and act like your not home.. yeah i've had to do that... My mom felt it would be ok to just stop by once. I was like NOPE not having that!
its so sad too watch people in that state. but its so much easier when they WANT help. when they WANT to get better. if they dont? its just a drain on you.
Like you i got engaged. My wife / fiance at the time ecouraged me to move out and not move right around the corner. My mom would have to learn to call a plumber painter electriciain handy man whatever on her own. I could not do all those things AND start a family etc.. and tend to my own home etc.. It was the best thing I could do for me and for her. I felt like a big weight was lifted off my shoulders. I'd hoped that she 'd come around but she hasnt yet 17? years later .
I know that guilt all to well. my mom is visiting me currently and she works very hard to suck me into her pity party. No way. I know I probably come accross as cold and uncareing at times. But I just cannot shoulder her load anymore. It sucked the friggen life out of me. Just having her visit its like there is this dark cloud in the air and I can feel myself going down its hard to keep from slipping into /her/ pit. But I got just a few more days of this.
My advice? be strong. move forward with your life and what you have to do. be very matter of fact with her sorry i cant do that on tuesday i'm busy or I have to take care of my issues etc.. Suddenly become unavailable and too busy it'll be hard at first but its the only way it'll get better at least for you anyhow. She has to want to change for things to get better for her and there is not much you can do to make that happen.
Buying a house so close is pretty scary EEPS I get why you did that the guilt is terrible!! but YIKES! I'm not sure how to get aorund that hang some thick curtains and pull them closed and turn the lights out and act like your not home.. yeah i've had to do that... My mom felt it would be ok to just stop by once. I was like NOPE not having that!
its so sad too watch people in that state. but its so much easier when they WANT help. when they WANT to get better. if they dont? its just a drain on you.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2015
Posts: 6
Thanks guys I found the family & friends forum so I will be posting in there soon!
Zjw- thank you for sharing you situation with me, it may not be exactly the same, but it all stems down from the same place... depression!
I wish I had of listened to my partner when he suggested we move further away but it's done now & I just have to try & make the best of it..
Other then her bringing me down I enjoy life, I like life yet she always needs to remind me "how **** life is"
I also feel like I took the role of being like her husband.
Helping her with money, food, bills..
Fixing things around the house..
I've included her in all outings that should really be only between my partner & I.. the list goes on
Some days I ponder about what it would be like having stable, loving parents by my side..
The kind of parent's that are filled with joy at the idea of their child building a life . but I will never have that support, everything I do, I do on my own.
I wish that you had of had all the good things associated with family, but it is nice to know that there is someone out there whom has been in a similar position to me & yet you seem to have still built a life for yourself regardless of all the pain.. it gives me hope, thank you!
Zjw- thank you for sharing you situation with me, it may not be exactly the same, but it all stems down from the same place... depression!
I wish I had of listened to my partner when he suggested we move further away but it's done now & I just have to try & make the best of it..
Other then her bringing me down I enjoy life, I like life yet she always needs to remind me "how **** life is"
I also feel like I took the role of being like her husband.
Helping her with money, food, bills..
Fixing things around the house..
I've included her in all outings that should really be only between my partner & I.. the list goes on
Some days I ponder about what it would be like having stable, loving parents by my side..
The kind of parent's that are filled with joy at the idea of their child building a life . but I will never have that support, everything I do, I do on my own.
I wish that you had of had all the good things associated with family, but it is nice to know that there is someone out there whom has been in a similar position to me & yet you seem to have still built a life for yourself regardless of all the pain.. it gives me hope, thank you!
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Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,378
Hi and welcome Caus 
you have absolutely nothing to feel guilty about.
You deserve your own life and your own happiness
I think someone above recommended reading Melody Beattie? One of her other books, codependent no more, is well worth a read too - I think you'll find yourself in those pages...and the book is great with ideas on how to change.
D
you have absolutely nothing to feel guilty about.
You deserve your own life and your own happiness
I think someone above recommended reading Melody Beattie? One of her other books, codependent no more, is well worth a read too - I think you'll find yourself in those pages...and the book is great with ideas on how to change.
D
Member
Join Date: Jul 2015
Location: California, USA
Posts: 625
Dear caus, you certainly don't deserve your own life, and it sounds like you need to cut some ties with your family. Maybe start by making some calls to social services in your city if she truly can not take care of herself. What age is your mom? How is her health? How are her finances? What is her living situation? Does she need help and support to survive? (How does she get her alcohol?) Is there other family to help? What ideas does your fiance have? Does she know how you feel?
Btw, these questions are to help you organize your thoughts, not intended for you to respond to us (unless that is helpful to you). Welcome to sr!
Btw, these questions are to help you organize your thoughts, not intended for you to respond to us (unless that is helpful to you). Welcome to sr!
Member
Join Date: Sep 2015
Location: America
Posts: 4,136
Welcome to the board caus. You may not find all the answers to your multi-layered issues that[ from the sounds of it] run very deep and over a long span of time...but this is a good place to get some feelings out and process...I don't know that many people REALIZE how important processing really is and how much time it takes. So, give yourself time and be patient with yourself.
Your situation sounds a bit suffocating and that can't be a good feeling.
hang in there...
Your situation sounds a bit suffocating and that can't be a good feeling.
hang in there...
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2015
Posts: 6
Hey everyone!
I know I deserve my own life, I just wish I could stop feeling so guilty because of it..
My fiancé & I try not to speak about it too much as it is so consuming, it is an impossible situation that we both have absolutely no solution for.
We try to stay focused on the good moments we have together 'cause that's all that is keeping us strong..
Dee74, I will definitely give that book a read, it sounds like it could be a positive influence & I need as much positivity as I can get right now so thanks!
Jk130, haha I figured that was an error! My mum knows exactly how I feel, but she thinks I am to "prim & proper" & that I, myself, should have a drink & relax.. yeah right, I now find alcohol the complete opposite of relaxing & I don't think I will feel any different any time soon!
You ask many good questions & a lot of those answers are not good, or mostly reliant on me which is why I think I have a hard time deciding how to handle this situation.
How do you cut someone off that relies so much, solely on you?
I guess these are just big steps I have to take on hopefully if I do she will be forced to pick herself up & make some changes..
I have 48 days (yes, I am counting down) until my fiancé & I get to move out so I just have to get through the next month & a half without breaking & hopefully when we move there is enough distance between my mum & I so I can finally part from this toxic situation..
Honestly, I didn't think talking to people I don't know through an Internet forum would be much help but it has been so refreshing to talk to people that are outside my situation but yet have such a big understanding from their own experiences & values. Thank you all for not judging!
I know I deserve my own life, I just wish I could stop feeling so guilty because of it..
My fiancé & I try not to speak about it too much as it is so consuming, it is an impossible situation that we both have absolutely no solution for.
We try to stay focused on the good moments we have together 'cause that's all that is keeping us strong..
Dee74, I will definitely give that book a read, it sounds like it could be a positive influence & I need as much positivity as I can get right now so thanks!
Jk130, haha I figured that was an error! My mum knows exactly how I feel, but she thinks I am to "prim & proper" & that I, myself, should have a drink & relax.. yeah right, I now find alcohol the complete opposite of relaxing & I don't think I will feel any different any time soon!
You ask many good questions & a lot of those answers are not good, or mostly reliant on me which is why I think I have a hard time deciding how to handle this situation.
How do you cut someone off that relies so much, solely on you?
I guess these are just big steps I have to take on hopefully if I do she will be forced to pick herself up & make some changes..
I have 48 days (yes, I am counting down) until my fiancé & I get to move out so I just have to get through the next month & a half without breaking & hopefully when we move there is enough distance between my mum & I so I can finally part from this toxic situation..
Honestly, I didn't think talking to people I don't know through an Internet forum would be much help but it has been so refreshing to talk to people that are outside my situation but yet have such a big understanding from their own experiences & values. Thank you all for not judging!
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