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Going to rehab next weekend and am terrified

Old 10-12-2015, 06:42 PM
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Going to rehab next weekend and am terrified

Hello all,

I apologize if you've already read my post on another board. Trying to get all the support I can.

My story is a familiar one. Social drinking turned into problem drinking. Been drinking at least a bottle of wine most nights for several years.

My husband finally had it with my drinking. He filed for divorce, moved out and took our son. He was over all of my half-promises to quit (I just hid the wine and didn't drink in front of him. But duh, it's obvious.) I tried nal, baclofen, topa, AA, etc and nothing "worked." Meaning, I wasn't ready for anything to work.

My life has sucked for some time now. I wake up feeling like ****, can't get my act together before 11am, am unmotivated to do anything (find a job, clean my closet, etc...) -- hell, I'd divorce me, too.

It is heartbreaking that it took a divorce petition and my husband taking custody of our son for me to finally take action. For many years I've been selfish, self-centered and my world has become smaller and smaller because of my drinking. My kids have suffered.

Next week, I'm going to rehab. It's a 6-8 week (non 12-step) program and I'm leaving my 4 children (three are 18 and high school seniors), which scares the crap out of me. They are great kids but they can't even unclog a toilet, lol. I am so anxious but I have to do this for them. They deserve better.

I know some of you have gone to rehab, read both good and bad things. This place doesn't accept court-ordered rehab cases or anyone under 22. The director said they only accept people who are actively seeking recovery. Don't know if any of that matters.

I am sick and tired of the way I've allowed alcohol to affect my life and relationships.....but I never expected to do inpatient treatment. My husband is footing the bill for the whole deal. I'm really, really worried about leaving my kids for so long, especially my teens. Their dad (not my husband) says he doesn't have enough room for them to stay with him and my husband (their stepdad) has, as I mentioned, moved out.

Hope to report on my experience when I return....in the meantime, I wish everyone who struggles with this strength and resolve. Thank you for reading my story.
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Old 10-12-2015, 07:07 PM
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We all deserve a fresh start, Uncorked.

Be kind to yourself and endeavor to reap all the benefits rehab offers you.

You can do this. Life can present challenges, but opportunities, too.
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Old 10-12-2015, 07:20 PM
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Uncorked - Good luck and don't beat yourself up anymore. This disease is mean and cruel. You go to rehab and get your life back and be the best mom ever. You go girl!
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Old 10-12-2015, 08:07 PM
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That's a big step to take. But you have the rest of your life to benefit from it. My husband left me, too. And I feel the same way you do: I don't blame him a bit! I'd have left me a whole lot sooner.
I hope it all goes very well for you and I'll look forward to your rehab report in a few weeks.
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Old 10-12-2015, 08:39 PM
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I really hope you find that rehab is a good first step to your recovery. And I hope you find peace. Be gentle and kind to yourself.
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Old 10-12-2015, 08:53 PM
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I've never been to rehab but it's been the change that many of my friends here have needed. I hope it can be your turning point too, uncorked

welcome to SR

D
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Old 10-12-2015, 09:26 PM
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I think it might be very helpful to get to some AA meetings before you go to rehab. The folks there could give you some tips on how to make the most of rehab, and it will be good to get to know a group of people who can help you stay sober after rehab.
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Old 10-12-2015, 11:03 PM
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Welcome to SR, uncorked! I'm glad you found us here. I hope the rehab is the beginning of a change that will give you back your life.
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Old 10-13-2015, 12:48 AM
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Uncorked,

I am so proud of you. I am sure you have thought this all through, but if it were me, which I recognise its not, I would be worried about the 18 year olds in a way that would distract from my recovery.

As you will not be there, is there any way Dad, Step dad or any grown-up could move in to keep an eye so you can keep your head fully in the game?

Either way, be kind to yourself, you can do this.
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Old 10-13-2015, 05:41 AM
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Welcome uncorked I know 2 people who went to rehab & it changed thier lives

One is 3+ years the other is almost a year
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Old 10-13-2015, 06:22 AM
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Rehab is a gift you've been given - many out there never get a chance at sobriety let alone a structured program. Engage it, learn from it and our lives become so much better for those we love.

Glad you're here, welcome!
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Old 10-13-2015, 07:09 AM
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wishing you all the best! This will be a fresh start and I'm proud of you for wanting the best for yourself.
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Old 10-13-2015, 07:16 AM
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Sounds like you are taking the help being offered, good for you! Go with it, and make the best of it. This can be the start of a new kind of life for you Best wishes.
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Old 10-13-2015, 07:18 AM
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I hope the rehab goes well for you.

Is the children's father in the same city? Will he be able to check on them or can they call him in an emergency?
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Old 10-13-2015, 07:19 AM
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You can do this....

Try to set aside the terror and focus on two things;

1 - "FAITH".... that your family will be just fine, and that you will too. In fact, BETTER than fine because you are finally giving this problem your full focus with help!

2 - "I wasn't ready for anything to work." - BE READY to DO ANYTHING for sobriety to work.

Those two things are really all you need right now.

It's going to be awesome. If you choose it to.

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Old 10-13-2015, 11:18 AM
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I did two 90-day programs about a year and a half apart, as well as aftercare. I am presently about halfway through a 18-27 month aftercare program through a Denver non-profit (anyone is welcome to PM for details). These programs have given me plenty of tools to use in order to stay healthy, which goes far beyond simply abstaining from the booze.

I'm pleased to see the admission that the reason previous programs didn't work for you has been your unwillingness to allow them to work. I was the same. AA, moving home to live with the folks at 27 years old, two 90-day programs that I did remarkably well in, etc, et all didn't get me cleaned up because, frankly, there was still enough indecision and reservation in me to allow myself a "one more time."

My laundry list of conseqences is like yours; that is, typical. Broken relationships, financial ruin, loss of self-worth, all par for the course. My stints helped me begin the process of rebuilding those things, but they were not "cured" or "fixed" or anything else. It was training. I was presented with tools, given cursory training on how to use them, and then allowed to either practice with those tools or stagnate through non-use.

Let me put this very plainly for you...

My tools remained unused for WAY too long. Until the pain of continued drinking became so great that it outweighed the pain of getting healthy, dealing with all the intrinsic problems that caused me to want to alter reality, and learning a new way to live, they did jack all. It had to get so bad, I had to be so ruined and destroyed multiple times over that I could accept my condition both intellectually and emotionally. The emotional part was what got me...I could intellectualize things away, and drinking helped me not feel.

I had to want to be healthy more than I wanted to be f***ed up. I cannot state it any more simply.

If you're honest and willing, I can tell you, based on my experiences, what might be in store...

Expect it to hurt. Emotional trauma will have to be dealt with. It will be painful. There's no substance to block the emotions anymore. But it SHOULD be cathartic and therapeutic, with purpose and resolution.

Expect to be uncomfortable. I am now, and ONLY now, figuring out how to be comfortable with myself without altering my reality. Without a substance, it will be a challenge, but it may offer clues as to internal things that caused you to drink.

Expect accountability. Addicts are not unique and not exempt. If your therapy team is worth their fee, they'll hold your feet to the fire to get you to recognize your role in bad things. It will also allow you to see how you can improve and live positively instead of chaotically.

Expect support. People will back you up and help you. I gained more from the residents than my therapy team.

Expect healing. Digging through the past and your junk in an isolated, intensive setting is all sorts of a harsh reality. When you face that stuff, you start to heal.

Do NOT expect it to be the end. I didn't use the tools for entirely too long. They got rusty, and I was out of practice. Recovery is a journey, and this is only the foundation. Do your best to make it a good one.

Any number of us other posters will attest that life is better in recovery. I wish you the best to do what is necessary to begin a new way of living. Please keep us posted (journaling was helpful for me while I was in), and let us know how all turns out.
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Old 10-13-2015, 12:08 PM
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Uncorked,

First, welcome to the forum!

I have never been to rehab but watched its effects on my daughter - opiate / heroin addict. Your current attitude shares much in common with her's both when she entered residential rehab and now that she is almost 20 months clean.

I have picked bits and snatches from your story to comment upon:

"..... I wasn't ready for anything to work...." but now you are.

"My life has sucked for some time now..... For many years I've been selfish, self-centered and my world has become smaller and smaller because of my drinking. My kids have suffered...." This is a huge epiphany on your part and makes me hopeful that you are really ready for sobriety - not just because you realize that your life sucks, but because you now know WHY it sucks, that you are taking responsibility for your life sucking and not trying to blame other people or things, and are taking approprite steps to change!

"This place doesn't accept court-ordered rehab cases or anyone under 22. The director said they only accept people who are actively seeking recovery. Don't know if any of that matters." Yes, it does matter, not so much the age requirement but the fact that they do not take court ordered cases. Some, not all, of the court ordered cases will do nothing but drag the facility program down simply because they are not motivated like you are! Slackers, just "doing their time" and taking up space.

"I am sick and tired of the way I've allowed alcohol to affect my life and relationships." There is a saying, something to the effect of "you will get sober / clean only when you are sick and tired of being sick and tired." Sounds like you are there.

I equate going to rehab as comparable to going to college - meaning you will "get out of rehab" exactly what you "put into rehab" -- the same with college. You can skate through college and skate through rehab.

Keep in mind that rehab is not going to "fix" you - that has to come from within yourself. Rehab will offer you a "tool kit" for sobriety, it is up to you as to how well you master the use of those tools. Your long term sobriety depends on keeping those tools well polished from use after you leave the rehab.

"Thank you for reading my story." I would not have missed it for anything, thanks for sharing.

Wishing you the best of luck in your new found sobriety.

Keep coming back,

Jim
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Old 10-13-2015, 12:47 PM
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Rehab saved me. I got sober on my own about 3 years ago, and stayed that way for eight months. But then I relapsed, and although I kept quitting... I think at least 7 times but possibly as many as 12... I couldn't stay quit. My health was suffering terribly, I was messier than I'd ever been in the past, and my work and my relationships were falling apart.

I ended up going to detox and then to rehab.

It was hard. The days were long. There were parts of it I hated, like going to an AA meeting every night, or sometimes they'd make us watch documentaries about addiction that just really freaked me out.

The social dynamic was hard, too. A whole bunch of people in the first few weeks of recovery makes for a lot of ups and downs. Everyone's emotions are really raw, everyone's worrying about their family and loved ones and place of employment and various messes outside, and of course everyone's confronting their demons all day every day. I never had any problems with anyone, but there were a lot of arguments and such amongst other people there.

But here's the thing: it saved me, both despite of and because of how hard it was. I cried harder there than I think I've ever cried (sober that is) in my life. There were times that I felt like I wasn't getting anything out of it. If it weren't for knowing how badly it would upset my family, I probably would have left sometime in the first week. But I got so much stronger there. I learned how to deal with loneliness, one of my triggers for drinking, sober. I learned how to sit through discomfort, frustration, even anger, sober. I learned how to work really hard on my sobriety, harder than I thought I needed to. I went from wanting to quit to being absolutely determined to stay sober. And for the first time in my life I spent lots of time talking to other people who were in exactly the same position I was in. I learned the value of friendships with other alcoholics and addicts.

You are making the right decision. Be ready for it to be hard, and when it gets hard, I hope you'll think back on this post. The staff there kept telling me, when I was frustrated, that that was part of the process. And I thought they were full of it. But they were totally right. I left the program 2 months ago and in that time I've not once seriously considered getting a drink. That alone feels like a total miracle.

Good luck. I think this can really be the jump start you need.
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