YoungAndClean

Just having one of those stinkin' thinkin days. Thought talking about my insane thinking here might help. Maybe someone can relate to the way I have been feeling lately.

*Those with less then 9 months probley ought not read this post as it is an observation on my own recovery through a "glass-half empty" viewpoint. Sobriety is worth it, please don't let any of this discourage you from changing your life.*


I haven't had a drink or drug in 289 days, and yet I'm not excited for the future, I loathe a lot of my past, and I'm not to thrilled about the present either. I use to party, I use to alter my mind with any kind of chemical I can get my hands on, I use to have a crutch. Now all I have is God, other recovering addicts, family, etc. And all of it is real, yet all of it is work, everything is burdensome: relationships, finances, going to church, going to the gym, etc. A lot of the time I just sleep to pass the time and also because nothing is that fun anymore. The universe shows me no favor just because I turned my life around. I have to deny myself something my brain wants most days just to be able to face the same trials and tribulations that non-addicted people face. Things change all the time and life doesn't go my way a lot of the time. I feel lonely and envious of what others have. I have this sense of entitlement that makes things difficult for me. I have a bad attitude towards life itself lately and my gratitude has slipped away. I find myself wishing an astroid would just crash into the planet and wipe us all out. I wouldn't care. I feel like life is overrated and part of me is envious of people still in active addiction, especially young people.

So I guess the point of this thread is me asking you guys to help remind me why I should keep moving forward when it's mostly work with a little satisfaction sprinkled in here and there. I basically was forced to grow up, and it's a real drag. I still had responsibilities and worries when I was still self-medicating with booze but at least there were some moments of escaping reality and euphoria. I never cared that they were artificial, they did something for me that nothing in sobriety seems to be able to do, nothing. Now I can't take a vacation from reality/life and everyday I have worries/stress/anxiety that come with living life on life's terms. I also have more peace, money, and freedom. But happiness? Joy? Not really.

Yet my life has improved a lot through sobering up. I found a full-time job I like in recovery making more money then I ever had before, even though it still doesn't feel like enough. I moved out of sober living about a month ago and now rent my own room in a house with a nice bed, bought a new flatscreen tv, bought a keyboard, bought a nice vape. I've received a lot of blessings from staying clean that aren't materialistic also, I'm gaining my families trust back, I have true friendships, I go to the gym frequently and am in good shape, I'm healthy, I have my car back. I have a sponsor and am on Step 3 and attend meetings every week.

So despite this, why do I still think about drinking? Why am I never satisfied? Honestly the only thing I ever look forward to anymore is sex. It's like all I have left. Life just isn't that fun anymore and I'm bitter. Going to a NA meeting than going to TGIF Fridays afterwards is my new Friday night. I realize there is a world of possibilities but I can't afford many of them, and many just aren't the same: night clubs, raves, concerts. I feel like life is overrated and a boring grind. I miss the chaos and euphoria of heroin. I miss playing video games and drinking cheap malt liquor and beer during the day. I miss craft beer and wine. I find that people exhaust me, and since I am naturally introverted, it's like I have to deny myself the company of drugs/alcohol which use to be my lover, my best friend.

So despite all this, will I go back? Not today. I've worked to hard and come to far to go back to an even worse standard of living. I'm tired of feeling like damned if i do, damned if i don't. And quite frankly, I understand why people (even people with time) eventually return to drinking. If your mind works the way mine does: overanalytical, prone to anxiety, depression, cynicism, and self-loathing. Then it's only logical to want an antidote of some kind. I've found that God, people, and recovery in general leave a lot to be desired. But drinking stopped working also, so what is one to do? Trudge through the mire. Try to navigate oneself in this world with little to no emotional maturity and/or social maturity.

I just wish I enjoyed being sober more. The novelty wore off a long time ago. I hate being an alcoholic/addict, it sucks. Thanks for listening.

PurpleKnight

Addiction is a real thing, it took me to at least a year for the thoughts and cravings to noticeably subside a little, your body and mind wants alcohol and it's not going to give up that easily, even maybe after 9 months, it's different for everyone, but for me after a year things starting to begin making sense.

What are you doing other than not drinking? Sobriety for me became more than not drinking, I had to build a lifestyle to be proud of, new hobbies, new interests, new friends, new routines, new projects, figure out what I was living for once again, because the alternative was bored out of my mind with too much time on my hands sitting on my sofa, which is what I did when I drank, only this time with no alcohol to numb the boredom.

Get out there and start living, the world is out there for the taking, and most of all keep hanging in there, with more time, things will get even better!!

BlissWithin

That post was kind of inspiring, and at 6 months sober myself I agree in some points, but as you said, we can't go back to drinks and drugs, at least for me life got really unmanageable

saoutchik

Hi Youngand clean,

If my maths is correct you are 3 days ahead of me, i'm on 286 days

Given your Avatar name I am assuming you are young which means that not drinking and drugging has a greater change or affect on your social life than it does on a 55 year old like me and that of course is on top of the physical symptoms and cravings)

I think a different way of looking at your situation is to realise that you are young and this gives you all sorts of opportunities to take your life in any direction you want.

I'm sure you have or at the very least, had other things that interest you apart from drink/drugs. It's just a question of finding and connecting with those interests. Same applies with people, you can have a superficial camaraderie with fellow drunks but they are more meaningful when you are sober

saoutchik

Congratulations on 289 days!

Soberwolf

Dee74 says it best about bad days thier just that a bad day

not week not month or year congrats on 289 days clean & sober have you thought about a gratitude list it helps me every day

ccam1973

Congrats on 289 Young. That's a great accomplishment and one that you should feel proud of. I've had plenty of days where I questioned..."is this all there is??" But like Soberwolf pointed out, bad days are just that, bad days.

I also think that there is a big mental leap between the 9 month point and the 12 month hurdle. I am at 15 months and noticed a considerable difference between 9 and 12; noticeable fewer cravings and with less severity.

Hang in there, you've got a lot of positive things going for you right now.

Congrats on staying sober and clean!

Dropsie

I loved the honesty of your post. I also wish there was a silver bullet, but for now I guess we will have to settle for putting one foot in front of the other. Keep it up -- what you are doing is amazing.

Dee74

Congrats on your progress YoungandClean.

Just getting sober and clean didn't make me happy - but it gave me a level platform to work from and find out what would make me happy

so...what would make you happy YAC? Whats the life you want look like?

D

Charlie117926

Hey YAC.

You summed it up. I don't have nine months. But I know exactly where your coming from. I have had many day ones and then time under my belt. I was waiting patiently for myself to be gliding on a cloud , smiling ear to ear with rainbows shooting out of my nether regions. It didn't happen. Like you, I have had a hard time filling in the time gaps that I drank. But life is better. I have real sleep. No more fighting with my wife and I am involved with my children more. So that makes it worth it. I read a book a while back called "living sober sucks, living drunk sucks more" . It's a little unorthodox but it validated what I and apparently you are thinking / feeling. More importantly, nine months is fantastic. You got this.

Lorax1981

I was there at nine months, almost coulda wrote that post. Now I'm at four years. I got a girl, and a new baby girl. She's my world man. I have new purpose. I still freak cuz I don't have a career and feel like I'm behind and jealous of others but the grass is always greener... You know the rest. Just keep at it. 9 months was like the toughest time for me for real. Slow and steady man it's dang PAWS, was for me. You'll find that new purpose someday too whether it's a relationship, job, or children. Good work getting this far!

asdf72

Hi YAC, congrats on 9 months. I think a lot of us understand how you feel. The mundane parts of life when sober are just mundane, and without that promise of an exciting, drunken weekend ahead. But i have to remember that at least i am able to function and keep up with those things when i am sober. After a bender it takes me 3-4 days to get back to them and they still need to get done. I appreciate how i feel when i am on top of everything in my life.

As Saoutchik said, i assume you are young and it is incredible how pervasive alcohol is in our society and on tv shows, its definitely portrayed as something thats necessary to have a good time. I am also not that young, i'm 43, but i remember different times in my life when i was young and not drinking and everything was great. Like others have said, hobbies and finding non-drinkers to hang out with is essential. I am struggling with that myself but we have to remember there is a world of non-drinkers out there who do everything sober and wouldn't have it any other way. They go to concerts sober, they play board games sober, they meet for coffee instead of drinks and they enjoy life. I had sober friends and then when i started drinking again i gravitated towards drinking friends and now have to find a way back. At least i know now that doing these things sober will mean i'll remember doing them and thats a huge plus! Theres also a book on Amazon called "Sober is the New Black". Has anyone read it? It sounds like it might be helpful.

PurpleDan

Two suggestions - hurry up and get through the rest of the steps. And speak to a doctor, as it sounds as though you may have clinical depression...that wanting to sleep all the time to pass time is something I can relate to having felt when I was depressed.

Are there any young people's meetings up around you? I got sober when I was 24 and loved young people's AA where I lived. There's also a conference next year in Bath, for European Young People in AA...I'm hoping to go myself.

Roxyblues

Have you done a 4th and 5th step and if so, have you made most if your amends? If not, then why not and you are still suffering from untreated alcoholism.

How many meetings a week are you attending? Less than 4?

If you are not your alcoholism, you will be miserable and the same basic person sober or drinking. Obviously, you won't have acute crisis in your life that drinking causes, but you will have removed your cure for alcoholism, alcohol, and will have not replaced that former cure with a new cure that actually works.

Double down on your meetings, work the steps and try and help the newcomer. I promise this will get you out of yourself (your alcoholic mind) and will about joy, peace and contentment. This is a really a minimal investment in time and effort, but will pay great dividends.

The alcoholic mind likes to send negative messages and convince us everything sucks, especially when we isolate and live in the problem also posed to the solution.

The choice is your. Do you want to be happy and enjoy life? If so, make the effort or you will drink again and everything will go to shyte again if you are an alcoholic.

Roxyblues

Not trying to diagnose the guy, but anyone suffering from untreated alcoholism and not drinking is going to be depressed. If OP has worked the steps, is hitting 5 plus meetings a week and working with other alcoholics and still feels the same, then there may be a problem.

If seeking professional help, I would definitely see a MD psychiatrist that works with and understands addiction. Too many well meaning but ignorant GPs are quick to write scrips for SSRIs that can actually exacerbate depression in the alcoholic depending on what is really going on. I would recommend asking a doc to run a full hormone panel if energy is low and one experiencing uncontrollable malaise. Low test, low progesterone or high E2 can cause these symptoms in alcoholic males that have thrown the XY pituitary axis out of kilter. SSRIs can send such people in a deep tail spin as they throw it even further out of balance.

I also have known many, many DRY alcoholics over the years that were also miserable in AA meetings because they had not truly worked the steps. Once they did and began working with others it was like a light switch had been flipped. They were new people filled with joy.

Bird615

Yes, it was doing the steps and finding a spiritual belief in something that turned it around for me.

I sobered up at 21 and had a pretty decent life in sobriety and I've lived that way for most of my adult life. Those promises in the 12 steps were no joke; it really did get good.

When I took it all for granted, I drifted away and stopped using those steps and principles in my life and I eventually got to feeling like you do now and I finally did drink. If I thought I was miserable before I drank, this was a whole new level of misery.

Nine months is fantastic, but this takes time, so keep working at it.