Kaily

I am still struggling with the readily available toxic poison of alcohol.
I have attended 5 AA meetings and from what I understand you have to accept and forgive any wrongs from the past as part of the 12 step programme.
As a child I was emotionally neglected and unloved. My Mother died when I was 5 years old, I don't feel able to go into details but things were very bad from there on. So how do you begin to forgive a ruined lost childhood, a father who never spoke of my Mother again or explained at all what happened and past me from pillar to post, am I missing something, I know I can never forgive so does that mean I can't move on?

biminiblue

In my experience it really is necessary to forgive the wrongs of the past. Of course, that doesn't mean I forgot them, just that I accept that the people who hurt me had sickness of their own, and that I can't change that nor change what happened. I can only find ways to make my life whole in spite of the past.

If I don't forgive them I have a very hard time forgiving myself for the pain I caused others and the pain I inflicted on myself. None of us are perfect and lots of mistakes are made.

I didn't learn this entirely in AA, though. I only went to meetings for four months, and I didn't formally work the Steps. I learned it through life, the church and spiritual readings, therapy, forums, self-help books. Some traumas I think need to be worked out in a therapeutic relationship to some extent. I'm not sure AA is equipped to heal severe trauma - they are lay people not trained in psychological techniques. Just my two cents.

If you find value in AA, keep going. There is a lot of wisdom in the rooms, and you can share or not share in any way you find comfortable for you.

FreeOwl

actually, none of the steps require you to accept or forgive the wrongs done to you....

The steps are about accepting the things you've done to others, and becoming willing to make amends and ask forgiveness for those.

Certainly, learning forgiveness - even for terrible wrongs done do us - is a healthy step of healing regardless of whether addiction is an issue. The basic Human Condition dictates that we will be hurt - sometimes terribly - and that in order to fully heal, forgiveness is a step.

But that's not really what the 12 Steps of AA are about. Practice of those steps may lead you closer to an understanding of what forgiveness of others may mean, what it may look like for wrongs done to you personally and how one day you may be able to find your own paths to forgiveness of those people. In the meantime, however, start with you. Start with acceptance of your own failings and with your own need for sobriety. That is where the 12 steps will help you.

Solarion

You can move on -- you can certainly move on.

Even if forgiveness is impossible, there has to be some measure of acceptance that the past happened exactly as it did, and cannot be changed. So be careful not to spend too much time and energy on the past. Be careful not to trouble yourself or darken your worldview by seeking an impossible revenge on the past. Instead, see what you can do in the present to gradually cultivate a better life for yourself.

My sympathies and best wishes for your recovery!

tursiops999

Hi Kaily,

When I first looked at the list of steps, I was afraid of what some of them might mean...there were things on that list on that wall that I didn't want to do. But I wanted to get sober, so I just put that aside at the start.

The thing about the steps and the program is that you don't "have to" do anything, really. They are suggestions. I have not done them all completely or perfectly. What's working for me is to do them as best I can, and be very honest with myself and another person (sponsor) about where I'm at with the steps. If there's something I'm not willing to do yet, at least I'm clear and honest about that. Sometimes that's the best I can do.

That's why a sponsor can be helpful -- even a temporary sponsor at first. To help explain things and help you get started on doing what you are able and willing to do, now.

For me, forgiveness of my parents' actions has definitely become possible ... but it wasn't the first thing I tackled at all. First I had to learn to be much kinder to myself and others ... the steps helped me with that.

Wishing you well.

Berrybean

In the 4th Step one part is all about resentments that we hold, and that have a hold over us (I didn't know how much of a hold until they'd gone).

There is a lots of great stuff you can listen to and read about 'Justified Resentments' . I also struggled with this, and had some real tricky ones to let go of. The thing that I finally properly understood is that my resentment, while being justified, served no purpose other than poisoning ME. My resentment didn't hurt any of the people who had hurt me - they probably didn't even realise that I did resent them. Or care. I was punishing myself for what someone else did.

Justified resentment can easily damage our recovery, and they also stop us growing and changing. It can make us cling onto the past. Like some sinking ghost ship. You deserve more than that. I wish I could give it to you, but we all have to go get it ourselves through doing our own work on our own excess baggage.

Have you started to choose your sponsor yet - or asked someone?
This will be an important choice for you, as this person will be able to help you through your resentments (and the other step work). I chose someone who was more mature (retired) and very firm, but also kind. She is someone I know I can trust, and she has really helped me through these issues. The 12-step work has really helped me find peace about my past where no counselling managed to do. It will seem very scary to do this step, but it is so liberating. A real game changer for me anyway.

I have also known some AA members who struggle with these childhood issues to also go to CoDa meetings to work through some of these issue. I went to a few, which were useful, but not so much as AA and it's a hard meeting for me to get to, but the CoDa handbook has really helped me to understand some of the experiences and feelings that I carried with me from childhood. (CoDa is also a 12-step group, so would come from the same outlook with regard to resentments).

Kaily

I am no where near getting a sponsor. The whole thing really confuses me.
The people are lovely but give little away on how things work.
Thanks so much for all the helpful replies so far.

PurpleKnight

We have a whole 12 Step Forum with plenty of stickies, there are many with plenty of wisdom in SR on AA, pick their brains!!

Alcoholism-12 Step Support - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information

48heath

Kaily I suggest you post in the 12 Step forum here on SR.

There are many posters there with a vast experience of the 12 Step Programme.A lot of them never post on this part of the site.

Wishing you well.

Berrybean

Maybe they're just letting you find your feet. I'd suggest asking any questions you like either here or in AA meetings - there are no silly questions.

Presumably you have seen the 12-steps poster on the wall. The program is to work through those steps, with the help and support of someone (of your own gender so no room for misunderstandings; misplaced affection or admiration; or jealous partners, and so that your experiences are more likely to have more similarity I suppose).

I asked my sponsor if she would take me on, and it is usual for people to ask someone - being ready and willing to ask for help is quite a big indicator that someone is ready to do the work I suppose. I just went up and said "Excuse me. I've been thinking that it's about time that I started working on the steps, and I wondered if you would consider being my sponsor." She said yes straight off. (Phew!! ). People should only sponsor if they've worked all the steps themselves and are solid in their understanding of the steps and strong enough in their sobriety - so this might narrow down your choices depending on who goes to your meetings.
I suspect that there are different ways of doing it - but my sponsor gave me a format (not quite a worksheet, but a similar idea, a layout at least) for each step, and talked me through it both beforehand and afterwards.


There are some really helpful publications that will help you out. They can be read for free on-line, or purchased in your meetings.

The Big Book Alcoholics Anonymous : Alcoholics Anonymous
The 12 and 12 Alcoholics Anonymous : Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions
Living Sober Alcoholics Anonymous : Living Sober
AA Q & A on Sponsorship http://www.aa.org/assets/en_US/p-15_Q&AonSpon.

I hope some of this helps - but please ask here (or by PM if you prefer) if you still have questions. We're all happy to help. As much as I do love the AA Fellowship, I remember what it felt like turning up and everything seemed so different from anywhere else I'd known. I know now that nobody would have minded questions, but I felt very shy and was scared of making a fool of myself for quite a while. Now it always feels like going home

svenissober

I am 4 months sober thanks to AA.

I started going to AA 5 months ago. I go to 3 meetings a week.
I just started to work on the 4th step.

So you see at what pace I progress. It is slowly but thoroughly. Can´t heal with a few meetings!

Regards
S

Roxyblues

Getting way ahead of yourself. First things first. Stop drinking, go to meetings and find a sponsor ASAP that can guide you through the steps 1 at a time and in proper order. You will only spin your wheels and make bigger messes if you try and jump ahead without any guidance by one who has actually gone through and worked the steps and who has some so rusty under their belt.

Most of have emotional baggage from messed up child hoods. Don't worry about that now though and probably not advisable to try and use this forum to explain and guide you through the steps at this early stage instead of a real live, person to person, sober alcoholic you are working with as a sponsor.

tomsteve

kaily, the great thing about aa is that how it works is all layed out in the big book.
and a sponsor-someone who has gone through the steps, is practicing the principles in all their affairs, and has some time sober can help ya to understand.

aa even says it isnt a cure all and outside help may be necessary and encouraged when necessary.

Berrybean

Also, I'd def say that it's worth trying different meetings. I went to one on Saturday where there was little mention of Big Book or Steps at all, and I don't think many of the people there would have been best placed to explain much of anything apart from how hard-done-by they're feeling.
Other meetings you go into and it's like stepping into a warm bath, because the people there have healthy sobriety, work on their recovery, and are able to advise others. Those people generally exude calm and contentment. There's laughter in these meeting rooms.
If you're in North London, then I suspect that there will be a lot to choose from. Meetings headed as Big Book, or 12 and 12, and Step Study are likely to be good places to hear about how the program words. The general share meetings can also be great if people are sharing their experience, strength and hope, and in most meetings that's what you'll get to hear. (But, if the room feels full of misery and negativity, and no-one mentions Big Book or Steps apart from to say they don't need them, it's time to find a different meeting - the people in the rooms should 'have what you want'.)

Fly N Buy

Do you still attend meetings? Contempt prior to investigation is something that kept me drunk for many years. I was so unique no one could understand my story. They simply could get it.

There is a solution.......keep coming back

greens

Many roads one journey is a book that touches on this subject a lot. I think she alters the steps for abuse victims even, I highly recommend checking it out

Soberwolf

I'd start on Step 1

Here's a link to the sub forum on step 1 here at SR

Step 1 - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information

trachemys

And you can't forgive why? It's no one's fault your mother died when you were five, is it? You know why your father doesn't mention her? Pain.

Sorry, life isn't sweet sometimes. If I'm wrong just blast me.

Berrybean

I got confused about stuff as well Kaily- my sponsor guided me through it. If we didn't get confused we wouldn't need sponsors.

Berrybean

What kind of meetings have you been going to Kaily?

General share ones tend to focus on just that - general sharing. I found it really helpful to go to some Big Book Study and 12 and 12 study meetings. That's where people talk in more depth about the steps we take.

Have you read the Big Book? Or the Living Sober book? No-one will push this information down your throat - you have to ask people, or seek it out. It's all part of the new 'taking-responsibility-for-ourselves' thing. I thought it a bit harsh at first, but then I realised that those wise people in the rooms know that we need to come in with willingness. If we're not willing to do the work, then nothing anyone says or does FOR us is likely to keep us sober. No-one can walk our journey for us. x