How do you define yourself?
Running Blind
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: Sherman Texas
Posts: 31
How do you define yourself?
My counselor asked me the other day to tell her my expectations in life. I didn't have any to give to her. Growing up I never created my own identity....I borrowed what was forced on me. So she gave me examples of her expectations in life: 1. she expects to treat people with respect 2. she expects to be loyal 3. she expects to do unto others.... 4. she expects to do the best that she can when doing something Those are examples of who she is 24/7. She told me to ask my closest friends to find out what they expect from themselves. Told me to write out what I would love to expect in my oldest child when he becomes a man. I've written out somethings...even had people tell me what they saw in me. My problem is...how do you even begin to believe in what you expect? I've lived 33 years by my father's rules...my father's expectations...my codependent self. So...tell me what did you do to change the way you defined yourself? How did you start believing in that definition?
We all need each other.
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: The road of happy destiny.
Posts: 2,294
Hey David--Tough question. One I am dealing with right now. I guess you just have to LIVE your expectations, and eventually you will see that they are true. That is what I am trying to do. Don't know.
Hang in there.
Hang in there.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2003
Location: laughing at my avatar
Posts: 1,636
great thread!
lets see, im not too sure i have done real well in this area but here goes.
1. i expect myself to keep my appointments and plans. before getting clean, i would blow off plans and appointments without giving any thought to the people i was blowing off. i try my best to stick to this.
2. i expect myself to respect myself. so if someone treats me badly, i dont stick around and take it. im not doing super well with this, but the basic theory is that i set boundaries and by doing that i teach people how to treat me.
3. i expect myself to push myself. so if im doing a report for school or something for work, i expect that i will do the best job that i can. not the minimum. that little extra time can make all the difference! before i never would put the necessary effort into things.
4. i expect myself to dig deep and find what interests me. like hobbies and musical interests. i never did that before because i was always doing what other people wanted me to do or what they made me do. then id get mad and wonder why i wasnt doing what i really wanted to do!
thats all ive got for now. great thread!
lets see, im not too sure i have done real well in this area but here goes.
1. i expect myself to keep my appointments and plans. before getting clean, i would blow off plans and appointments without giving any thought to the people i was blowing off. i try my best to stick to this.
2. i expect myself to respect myself. so if someone treats me badly, i dont stick around and take it. im not doing super well with this, but the basic theory is that i set boundaries and by doing that i teach people how to treat me.
3. i expect myself to push myself. so if im doing a report for school or something for work, i expect that i will do the best job that i can. not the minimum. that little extra time can make all the difference! before i never would put the necessary effort into things.
4. i expect myself to dig deep and find what interests me. like hobbies and musical interests. i never did that before because i was always doing what other people wanted me to do or what they made me do. then id get mad and wonder why i wasnt doing what i really wanted to do!
thats all ive got for now. great thread!
Member
Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: UK
Posts: 375
Hi Daibh,
Oh my - I think I'd have to answer exactly the same as you. I don't exist. I was dragged up to believe that my place in life was to stand and hold the door open for other people, if and only if there was no-one else to come through, I was allowed into the room, as long as I shut the door quietly behind me.
I'm a rebel though - sometimes I allow it to make a bit of a clunk. That does make my day.
My father taught me another lesson too, and that it's my duty to take a different journey every day. Drive a different way to work every day, live a different way every day, eat different things every day, and take a different view and standpoint every day.
"I am responsible for myself and for everyone else. I am creating a certain image of man of my own choosing. In choosing myself, I choose man"
- some frenchman or other, probably with a goatee beard and a pipe
I was really taken by Sartre in philosophy lessons at school. I'm human, my personality is judged by yours Dabhi, as yours is by mine - we're part of the same universal humanity.
If I had a councellor, I'd aim to have him or her on Prozac after two or three sessions to get my money's worth.
Deg.
Oh my - I think I'd have to answer exactly the same as you. I don't exist. I was dragged up to believe that my place in life was to stand and hold the door open for other people, if and only if there was no-one else to come through, I was allowed into the room, as long as I shut the door quietly behind me.
I'm a rebel though - sometimes I allow it to make a bit of a clunk. That does make my day.
My father taught me another lesson too, and that it's my duty to take a different journey every day. Drive a different way to work every day, live a different way every day, eat different things every day, and take a different view and standpoint every day.
"I am responsible for myself and for everyone else. I am creating a certain image of man of my own choosing. In choosing myself, I choose man"
- some frenchman or other, probably with a goatee beard and a pipe
I was really taken by Sartre in philosophy lessons at school. I'm human, my personality is judged by yours Dabhi, as yours is by mine - we're part of the same universal humanity.
If I had a councellor, I'd aim to have him or her on Prozac after two or three sessions to get my money's worth.
Deg.
Running Blind
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: Sherman Texas
Posts: 31
Along with that....I just don't know who I am. I've made a list or two and have read them several times. The irony of it all is that those who are close to me see the value in me. That's the hardest thing for me to grasp. My value always came from the person I wrapped myself around. I just won't wrap myself anylonger and now I feel as though I don't exist. So what are my expectations in myself (none of these I believe just yet):
I expect to treat people with respect and at the same time will stand up for myself when not treated with respect (a simple "I don't appreciate it when you treat me this way and I will not tolerate it in the future" will suffice)
I expect to be loyal and trustworthy
I expect to treat others just as I would want them to treat me (do unto others)
I expect to do the best that I can in everything I do
and this one is the hardest one
I expect to live a happy, fulfilled life regardless if I am with someone or I'm not.
It's hard to realize that I deserve the same happiness that I see so many people enjoying day in and day out. Heck, I was at a football game on Friday and became depressed because of the way other's were interacting. The smiles, the laughs, etc. One day I hope to find the love, caring, happiness,etc. that I was so desprerately digging for in other people.
I expect to treat people with respect and at the same time will stand up for myself when not treated with respect (a simple "I don't appreciate it when you treat me this way and I will not tolerate it in the future" will suffice)
I expect to be loyal and trustworthy
I expect to treat others just as I would want them to treat me (do unto others)
I expect to do the best that I can in everything I do
and this one is the hardest one
I expect to live a happy, fulfilled life regardless if I am with someone or I'm not.
It's hard to realize that I deserve the same happiness that I see so many people enjoying day in and day out. Heck, I was at a football game on Friday and became depressed because of the way other's were interacting. The smiles, the laughs, etc. One day I hope to find the love, caring, happiness,etc. that I was so desprerately digging for in other people.
Supply Manager
Join Date: Feb 2002
Location: Cleaverville
Posts: 2,898
Something I have had to relearn many times is not to judge my insides by everyone else's outsides. Everyone...even you...puts on a game face whenever they walk out the door. I don't have a clue to what is on their inside...
Hugs,
JT
Hugs,
JT
Member
Join Date: Oct 2002
Location: The Basement
Posts: 724
Hi Daibhis,
Good question. I don't think I ever had time to define myself because I was so busy trying to live up to, please and be good enough for whoever or whatever I thought I had to.
These days, and this actually just within the last couple of years (this forum playing a huge part) I feel perfectly confident defining myself and it's based on nothing else but what is in my heart.
I was only able to get to that place by not giving away my power and sense of self to others. In short I became more important than what everyone else thought of me.
Good question. I don't think I ever had time to define myself because I was so busy trying to live up to, please and be good enough for whoever or whatever I thought I had to.
These days, and this actually just within the last couple of years (this forum playing a huge part) I feel perfectly confident defining myself and it's based on nothing else but what is in my heart.
I was only able to get to that place by not giving away my power and sense of self to others. In short I became more important than what everyone else thought of me.
Running Blind
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: Sherman Texas
Posts: 31
Stephanie
How did you come to this point?
I was only able to get to that place by not giving away my power and sense of self to others. In short I became more important than what everyone else thought of me.
I really want to be able to not give away my power and become more important to myself than others are.
How did you come to this point?
I was only able to get to that place by not giving away my power and sense of self to others. In short I became more important than what everyone else thought of me.
I really want to be able to not give away my power and become more important to myself than others are.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2004
Location: Nebraska
Posts: 423
Hello DAIBH, a couple of suggestions. Believe it or not, we are all unique and have an identity. But we do share strengths and weaknesses or common traits. It sounds like you never really got to learn much about yourself - your life was basically under the control of your father.
I know of two very good personality/trait assessments that may help you find out more about yourself. The first is the strengthsfinder survey. You can buy the book, "Now Discover your Strengths" and there is an access code inside the back cover for the assessment. This is an easy to find book or look on Amazon.com.
The second assessment is the DISC profile (discprofile.com/online).
These assessments are not very expensive and just might give you some insight into just what kind of person you are.
Take care,
Dave
I know of two very good personality/trait assessments that may help you find out more about yourself. The first is the strengthsfinder survey. You can buy the book, "Now Discover your Strengths" and there is an access code inside the back cover for the assessment. This is an easy to find book or look on Amazon.com.
The second assessment is the DISC profile (discprofile.com/online).
These assessments are not very expensive and just might give you some insight into just what kind of person you are.
Take care,
Dave
knucklehead
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: earth
Posts: 694
DAIBHI5, I have thought about this many times and I have come to the conclusion. That I am what I have been influenced by. I have stolen my ID from everyone that has touched my life. I am a thief. In the end I dont know who I am. I am lucky to be alive and some how I am blessed.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: Des Moines, IA
Posts: 184
I don't think that you are a thief at all kckman! I think that we are all a product of our environment and the people we have come in contact with. The trick is to find the person you have become within all that jumble.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2004
Location: Cedar Rapids Iowa
Posts: 39
Great topic!
It is a wonderful feeling to know I'm not alone with this problem. I don't know what/how to be when I'm not drinking. I don't feel comfortable being in a social environment without a drink in my hand because I don't know what to do, what to say or who to be....Another crazy thing about this thought process...I am actually scared people won't like me because I'm NOT drinking. I have heard so many times...'your so much fun' - but I don't think I'm fun unless I have a few in me to give me confidence....I wonder where that confidence will come from now?
Member
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: wilkes barre pa
Posts: 12
It is a great topic. I'm the one who still doesn't think I'm really an alcoholic. Now that I know what binge drinking is, I'm not going to do it. This topic fits into exactly what I've been thinking about. I only really drank around my one "best" friend. In the beginning, I always told her I had to stop at least an hour before we left & I'd never drink more than 4 a night. As time went on, she somehow convinced me to forget about that. I would drive after drinking 4 or more. I was afraid and disappointed in myself but it was just expected so I did it. Living out in the country, I didn't feel there was much choice. It was exciting to be out but to feel comfortable in that environment, I had to have a few to help me relax. What I'm starting to realize is that I really don't enjoy that environment. I like to listen to a band but I don't like to dance. To dance, I'd need a few drinks. I'd rather go to a movie, comedy club, picnic, whatever. I see myself as someone who doesn't drink but yet my friend would be laughing to hear that. She never got to know that side of me because I think I just found it easier to go with the flow. I'm trying to become the person I imagine myself to be now. The person that my family knows. My friend thought it was funny that I didn't invite any siblings out with us. Truth is, I was ashamed of my drinking. I did invite them out with other friends, just not with her. It's hard to lose her, but I'm actually starting to feel that I hate her. I don't, of course, I just hate the way I'm realizing she made me feel about myself. It's been over 10 years. How could I have been so blind to it? It really amazes me. Time to discover who I am now.
the girl can't help it
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: splendraville
Posts: 5,599
I define myself as profoundly loved. I want to remember that everyone else is also profoundly loved. One of my fondest desires is to be able to help others see this just in case they don't know. DAIBHI5 you are loved try that definition on for size!!!
we're all mad here!
Join Date: Apr 2003
Location: a padded room with bars
Posts: 1,681
I was, and to an extent still am, defined by my upbringing. Which was totally FUBAR. :Flush:
I'm trying to redefine myself, to eliminate the old programming. With varying success.
Yyyyyyep. Another aspect of that programming that I am trying to eliminate.
I'm trying to redefine myself, to eliminate the old programming. With varying success.
Yeah, I became a master at figuring out what other's wanted me to be.....errrrrr What I should say is I became a master at assuming what other's wanted me to be
Running Blind
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: Sherman Texas
Posts: 31
Early this morning while feeling very down I was touched by a calm feeling that was quickly followed by some anger. Why the anger? The anger was due to the realization that I gave up my choices (in my childhood they were taken away) along time ago. I'm sick and tired of living my life feeling like I don't have any choices. I have the ability to make the same choices as anyone else. Starting today I will make my choices.
Yes in the past I did make choices...choices to be miserable, unhappy, reclusive, etc. Why? It's all I knew...it's how I survived. While surviving, I looked at others and wished I could be what they were. Fact is...I can be whatever it is I want to be. Do I want to be socialble instead of wishing I were out doing something? Heck yes! Do I want to embrace everyday instead of worrying about tomorrow or regretting yesterday? Heck yes! Do I? Do I? and Do I? Heck Yes! It's my choice!
My father doesn't have that control any longer. I make the choice not to allow my past to control my today. I make the choice to not wrap myself around someone but instead to stand on my own two feet because I'm worthy enough to do so. I make the choice to be exactly the person I've dreamed of. I made a statement earlier about how do I get to that point? Simple...by choice! While I will have to remind myself that I have choices...eventually it will be second nature.
I stand before everyone here today announcing.....David will from now on make his own choice. I encourage everyone as well...make your choice. You have always had the ability to do so....so did I. I never thought I did...but I know now that I did and I do. Thank the good Lord above...that calm feeling I felt last night came just after a little prayer to help me. He showed me and told me.....David...it's up to you...make your choice.
I'll post my list that I came up with in a little bit.
Yes in the past I did make choices...choices to be miserable, unhappy, reclusive, etc. Why? It's all I knew...it's how I survived. While surviving, I looked at others and wished I could be what they were. Fact is...I can be whatever it is I want to be. Do I want to be socialble instead of wishing I were out doing something? Heck yes! Do I want to embrace everyday instead of worrying about tomorrow or regretting yesterday? Heck yes! Do I? Do I? and Do I? Heck Yes! It's my choice!
My father doesn't have that control any longer. I make the choice not to allow my past to control my today. I make the choice to not wrap myself around someone but instead to stand on my own two feet because I'm worthy enough to do so. I make the choice to be exactly the person I've dreamed of. I made a statement earlier about how do I get to that point? Simple...by choice! While I will have to remind myself that I have choices...eventually it will be second nature.
I stand before everyone here today announcing.....David will from now on make his own choice. I encourage everyone as well...make your choice. You have always had the ability to do so....so did I. I never thought I did...but I know now that I did and I do. Thank the good Lord above...that calm feeling I felt last night came just after a little prayer to help me. He showed me and told me.....David...it's up to you...make your choice.
I'll post my list that I came up with in a little bit.
Castaway
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: Texas
Posts: 783
Hi David,
It's hard to let go of our past connections, even ones that we had with people we were ever so close to. This may sound crude, but it's time to detach yourself emotionally from your father. Show respect but don't let him own you. You have so much invested in your relationship with your family that you are rendered useless to have a relationship with someone else. This detachment is a normal and healthy occurrence and not something to be ashamed of or worried about. Your father will always be an important figurehead in your life, but don't let him keep you from making your own decisions. You are your own person now and capable of making rational decisions without permission from anyone else.
Prayers, Sandy
It's hard to let go of our past connections, even ones that we had with people we were ever so close to. This may sound crude, but it's time to detach yourself emotionally from your father. Show respect but don't let him own you. You have so much invested in your relationship with your family that you are rendered useless to have a relationship with someone else. This detachment is a normal and healthy occurrence and not something to be ashamed of or worried about. Your father will always be an important figurehead in your life, but don't let him keep you from making your own decisions. You are your own person now and capable of making rational decisions without permission from anyone else.
Prayers, Sandy
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