ACOA husband keeps baiting me
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Join Date: Sep 2015
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ACOA husband keeps baiting me
Oh wow! Really excited and happy to have found this site. As an ACOA, I am learning to reach out and use all the tools for my recovery; counseling, meetings, sponsor, friendships and now this wonderful forum.
Well, the long and short of it is I am a recovering ACOA married to an ACOA and am struggling lately when my husband baits me. We made some mistakes as parents to our two boys (20 & 23) but I am starting to actually forgive myself with the result being fewer conversations with my husband about the past, especially when it's about our kids. He gets really frustrated when I don't share his same feelings which is why I try not to get into these conversations all together. I feel I am really growing, and I know he's feeling scared and threatened which is I think why he keeps baiting me. I was doing a fairly decent job of not getting hooked in, but these last couple of days I have been caught off guard falling into old patterns. Having said that, the conflict isn't nearly as intense as it used to be. Anyway, I am finding myself feeling the need to stay completely away from him. To make matters worse, because we were struggling financially, I went to work four years ago accepting a position as a flight attendant which I LOVE! He HATES my job which I understand because I am gone for a few days at a time, but I don't have a degree and can't go anywhere and make the kind of money I am making. So, to wrap this up, I need some suggestions for " key phrases" if such a thing exists, to use when I am being baited. And I admit, lately I have been getting frustrated which I know is my issue being I am responsible for my feelings. Any and all advice is welcomed. Thanks for letting me share!
Well, the long and short of it is I am a recovering ACOA married to an ACOA and am struggling lately when my husband baits me. We made some mistakes as parents to our two boys (20 & 23) but I am starting to actually forgive myself with the result being fewer conversations with my husband about the past, especially when it's about our kids. He gets really frustrated when I don't share his same feelings which is why I try not to get into these conversations all together. I feel I am really growing, and I know he's feeling scared and threatened which is I think why he keeps baiting me. I was doing a fairly decent job of not getting hooked in, but these last couple of days I have been caught off guard falling into old patterns. Having said that, the conflict isn't nearly as intense as it used to be. Anyway, I am finding myself feeling the need to stay completely away from him. To make matters worse, because we were struggling financially, I went to work four years ago accepting a position as a flight attendant which I LOVE! He HATES my job which I understand because I am gone for a few days at a time, but I don't have a degree and can't go anywhere and make the kind of money I am making. So, to wrap this up, I need some suggestions for " key phrases" if such a thing exists, to use when I am being baited. And I admit, lately I have been getting frustrated which I know is my issue being I am responsible for my feelings. Any and all advice is welcomed. Thanks for letting me share!
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Join Date: Jul 2015
Location: Margate, UK
Posts: 549
Hi there! Sorry I don't know what ACOA means.
But you sound like you've got it together pretty well! Your job sounds great. I think when it comes to your husband, maybe you need to be very firm (without getting angry), and make it clear that your sobriety needs to be protected.
Welcome, anyway! This really is a great place - there'll be plenty more along in a while who give better advice than me
But you sound like you've got it together pretty well! Your job sounds great. I think when it comes to your husband, maybe you need to be very firm (without getting angry), and make it clear that your sobriety needs to be protected.
Welcome, anyway! This really is a great place - there'll be plenty more along in a while who give better advice than me
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Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: C.C. Ma.
Posts: 3,697
Hi and welcome.
I think you will get much good advice on the “friends and Family” forum on this site and Al Anon meetingS in your area. They deal with topics of “sober” and non sober alcoholics in ones life and have a good accurate track record tho at first some things might be disagreed with.
BE WELL
I think you will get much good advice on the “friends and Family” forum on this site and Al Anon meetingS in your area. They deal with topics of “sober” and non sober alcoholics in ones life and have a good accurate track record tho at first some things might be disagreed with.
BE WELL
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Join Date: Sep 2015
Location: America
Posts: 4,136
Originally Posted by Mikimiki123 
Oh wow! Really excited and happy to have found this site. As an ACOA, I am learning to reach out and use all the tools for my recovery; counseling, meetings, sponsor, friendships and now this wonderful forum.
Well, the long and short of it is I am a recovering ACOA married to an ACOA and am struggling lately when my husband baits me. We made some mistakes as parents to our two boys (20 & 23) but I am starting to actually forgive myself with the result being fewer conversations with my husband about the past, especially when it's about our kids. He gets really frustrated when I don't share his same feelings which is why I try not to get into these conversations all together. I feel I am really growing, and I know he's feeling scared and threatened which is I think why he keeps baiting me. I was doing a fairly decent job of not getting hooked in, but these last couple of days I have been caught off guard falling into old patterns. Having said that, the conflict isn't nearly as intense as it used to be. Anyway, I am finding myself feeling the need to stay completely away from him. To make matters worse, because we were struggling financially, I went to work four years ago accepting a position as a flight attendant which I LOVE! He HATES my job which I understand because I am gone for a few days at a time, but I don't have a degree and can't go anywhere and make the kind of money I am making. So, to wrap this up, I need some suggestions for " key phrases" if such a thing exists, to use when I am being baited. And I admit, lately I have been getting frustrated which I know is my issue being I am responsible for my feelings. Any and all advice is welcomed. Thanks for letting me share!
Well, the long and short of it is I am a recovering ACOA married to an ACOA and am struggling lately when my husband baits me. We made some mistakes as parents to our two boys (20 & 23) but I am starting to actually forgive myself with the result being fewer conversations with my husband about the past, especially when it's about our kids. He gets really frustrated when I don't share his same feelings which is why I try not to get into these conversations all together. I feel I am really growing, and I know he's feeling scared and threatened which is I think why he keeps baiting me. I was doing a fairly decent job of not getting hooked in, but these last couple of days I have been caught off guard falling into old patterns. Having said that, the conflict isn't nearly as intense as it used to be. Anyway, I am finding myself feeling the need to stay completely away from him. To make matters worse, because we were struggling financially, I went to work four years ago accepting a position as a flight attendant which I LOVE! He HATES my job which I understand because I am gone for a few days at a time, but I don't have a degree and can't go anywhere and make the kind of money I am making. So, to wrap this up, I need some suggestions for " key phrases" if such a thing exists, to use when I am being baited. And I admit, lately I have been getting frustrated which I know is my issue being I am responsible for my feelings. Any and all advice is welcomed. Thanks for letting me share!
On his end of it he needs to perhaps take a look at how this 'baiting' might feel to you; how it may come across as being antagonistic and/or provocative. On your end of it, you know the WHY now, so I think it's probably safe to say he's doing it because he misses you and wants your attention.
Best of luck on this!
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Join Date: Mar 2015
Posts: 1,087
This might be a "crazy man" reply, and if so, it's just due to a book I finished reading.
Think of it in terms of raw energy. Every human has a certain level of energy to keep themselves balanced and healthy, and we can feel this energy. That 6th sense of ours, which most people call intuition, but I believe it goes far beyond that. Nonetheless, we can pick up vibes from people without saying a word, correct? That's us sensing their energy.
When you have a confrontation with anyone, generally speaking, one person always walks away feeling stronger, and the other feeling weaker, correct? Think of the confrontations as basically battling for each other's energy. Whoever wins the confrontation steals the other person's energy, hence walks away feeling stronger, while the other person feels weaker. Agreed so far, or am I certifiably insane?
So think of it in terms of your husband is basically trying to steal your energy to make himself feel better and stronger. He baits you because he knows you'll fall for it, and he'll be able to pull you into his reality / world view. From there, you end up giving him your full concentration, and then he just drains you of your energy, leaving you feeling weak, confused and angry, hence the OP.
The solution is, don't allow him to pull you into his reality, because if you allow it, you'll give him your full concentration. Realize what's happening, and do everything you can to stay within your own reality / world view. Protect that energy like you would your sobriety, if not more so, because you need it to be balanced and healthy.
heh, ok, I'll shut up now.
Think of it in terms of raw energy. Every human has a certain level of energy to keep themselves balanced and healthy, and we can feel this energy. That 6th sense of ours, which most people call intuition, but I believe it goes far beyond that. Nonetheless, we can pick up vibes from people without saying a word, correct? That's us sensing their energy.
When you have a confrontation with anyone, generally speaking, one person always walks away feeling stronger, and the other feeling weaker, correct? Think of the confrontations as basically battling for each other's energy. Whoever wins the confrontation steals the other person's energy, hence walks away feeling stronger, while the other person feels weaker. Agreed so far, or am I certifiably insane?
So think of it in terms of your husband is basically trying to steal your energy to make himself feel better and stronger. He baits you because he knows you'll fall for it, and he'll be able to pull you into his reality / world view. From there, you end up giving him your full concentration, and then he just drains you of your energy, leaving you feeling weak, confused and angry, hence the OP.
The solution is, don't allow him to pull you into his reality, because if you allow it, you'll give him your full concentration. Realize what's happening, and do everything you can to stay within your own reality / world view. Protect that energy like you would your sobriety, if not more so, because you need it to be balanced and healthy.
heh, ok, I'll shut up now.
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Join Date: Sep 2015
Location: America
Posts: 4,136
No actually Troy...I have thought about what you wrote and I have actually heard of this before.
I think what it really boils down to is people getting their needs met...whether consciously or subconsciously...but in a relationship in which there is good communication and honesty, there is simply no need to bait and certainly no need to hate one spouse's job. I've never been in a relationship where someone hated my job, so I have trouble even grasping that concept. But, I suppose anything's possible! That's a new one for me though.
It may seem like people are playing games. And some do...But perhaps most of it is a 'dance' of getting one's needs met. OR a 'dance' of NOT getting one's needs met...and when people do not get their needs met they tend to act out in one way or another. They might be direct or indirect. Baiting someone into an argument is indirect. But the largest reason a person may be indirect is perhaps because they are afraid to be direct.
So we are all here because of addiction...which brings us back to why..I believe that most addiction forms because of an unmet needs. So, part of the recovery process is taking an honest looks at what you really need and having those needs met in healthy, whole ways.
BeWell
I think what it really boils down to is people getting their needs met...whether consciously or subconsciously...but in a relationship in which there is good communication and honesty, there is simply no need to bait and certainly no need to hate one spouse's job. I've never been in a relationship where someone hated my job, so I have trouble even grasping that concept. But, I suppose anything's possible! That's a new one for me though.
It may seem like people are playing games. And some do...But perhaps most of it is a 'dance' of getting one's needs met. OR a 'dance' of NOT getting one's needs met...and when people do not get their needs met they tend to act out in one way or another. They might be direct or indirect. Baiting someone into an argument is indirect. But the largest reason a person may be indirect is perhaps because they are afraid to be direct.
So we are all here because of addiction...which brings us back to why..I believe that most addiction forms because of an unmet needs. So, part of the recovery process is taking an honest looks at what you really need and having those needs met in healthy, whole ways.
BeWell
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Join Date: Mar 2015
Posts: 1,087
teatreeoil,
Yep, exactly. He's most likely doing it subconsciously, and doesn't even fully realize he's doing it. I believe we all have a certain level of energy, which can be sensed. That 6th sense, intuition, vibes, or whatever you want to call it. Unfortunately, this aspect of life has been totally ignored in our modern age, which I think is unfortunate, because I believe it's very important.
We all have our own ways to pull someone into our reality, and get them to give us their full concentration, hence receive their energy. The OP's BF obviously likes to pick apart one's character, and point out what they perceive as flaws, in order for the OP to concentrate on them.
Myself for example, I'm the quiet, secretive, mysterious type, and I use that to my advantage to manipulate people into giving me their full concentration. At least I'm aware of it, and do my best to avoid doing it, because that's not nice.
We all have a way of doing it though, and it's generally ingrained into us during our childhood years. Look back at how you grew up, your parents and sibilngs, etc. Think about how you reacted to those people during situations, and you'll be able to see which method you use. If you ever want true inner peace, you need to learn how to let go of that characteristic, and become at peace with yourself and the world.
Anyway, I'm rambling again...
Yep, exactly. He's most likely doing it subconsciously, and doesn't even fully realize he's doing it. I believe we all have a certain level of energy, which can be sensed. That 6th sense, intuition, vibes, or whatever you want to call it. Unfortunately, this aspect of life has been totally ignored in our modern age, which I think is unfortunate, because I believe it's very important.
We all have our own ways to pull someone into our reality, and get them to give us their full concentration, hence receive their energy. The OP's BF obviously likes to pick apart one's character, and point out what they perceive as flaws, in order for the OP to concentrate on them.
Myself for example, I'm the quiet, secretive, mysterious type, and I use that to my advantage to manipulate people into giving me their full concentration. At least I'm aware of it, and do my best to avoid doing it, because that's not nice.
We all have a way of doing it though, and it's generally ingrained into us during our childhood years. Look back at how you grew up, your parents and sibilngs, etc. Think about how you reacted to those people during situations, and you'll be able to see which method you use. If you ever want true inner peace, you need to learn how to let go of that characteristic, and become at peace with yourself and the world.
Anyway, I'm rambling again...
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