Way too young for this
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2015
Location: saugus
Posts: 1
Way too young for this
Recently I have been struggling with something. My bestfriend is an addict. We have been friends for a year or so but we became sisters, she was family to me. I knew she struggled with opioid addiction before we became close. At first we were just friends here and there, we worked together. A few month later, she hit rock bottom. Lost her job, significant other and burned every bridge with her family imaginable. I cared about her alot and I knew she needed help so I thought I would try.
With no job, money or car, she was forced to quit cold turkey. This is the most terrifying thing I have ever seen In my 17 years of life at the time. I didn't understand how someone only 2 years older than me could do something like this to herself. But all I was focused on was her getting better. She was my best friend so I refuse to let anything stop me from doing so. I willing spent every moment trying to come up with ways to help her get through withdrawal. I did not want to see her sick anymore, it was brutal. I was so excited for her to get through this and be clean. I always told her how strong she was, I don't know my ass from my elbow about what it's like to be an addict, but I do know its nearly impossible to detox yourself, it's dangerous.
Anyway a month goes by and she's almost back to normal. She got back on her feet, got a job, license and a car. Things were good. Our friendship was stronger than ever. We spent nearly every moment together when we weren't working. We were doing things that were fun, like going to the beach, hiking, and getting our nails done. It was so amazing to see how fast her life changed for the better. I knew there was alway the possibility of a relapse, but whenever she had a breakdown she would call me right away and tell me to tell her why she shouldn't. She would tell me to tell her that I wouldn't talk to her again if she did.
She used to make me feel that I was important to her. She knows how much I care about her and I thought she cared about me just as much as she showed she did. 6 months go by and she was still clean and working, doing her thing. Then I got into some trouble and was grounded. No phone, couldn't go out, nothing. And then it happened. She slipped. I was mortified. She claimed she had self control and knew she could only do it here and there. Her mindset went from " only once a week" to " oh as long as i don't do it x amount of days in a row ill be fine" to once a day.
Then it turned into something evil. I was no longer who she looked to for things. She no longer cared about my opinion. I knew what she was doing would put her right back where she was but i'm just too "naive and don't know **** about anything in relation to drugs, she says. She made sure I knew she was going to do what she wanted when she wanted and didn't care what i thought about her anymore and that she "never has".
Over the last month it had been a constant roller coaster of her being broke, sick, aggravated and over me. We got into numerous fights because she is sick of how "uneducated " i am. But being the passive person that I am, I always gave in and basically begged for her friendship back. Again she hit another low and lost her job, she was very adamant about not withdrawing for 30 days again so she decided to go to a suboxone clinic. Now I know this was not the best choice for the long run and its just a bandaid, but to me it looks like its at least a step in the right direction.
She got the script. The next day she got her last paycheck, now I advised her to try to be as frugal as possible because she wont have any money for a while. Instead she spends the last of it on her fix and I told her that was a bad Idea. I have always been upfront with my opinion on drugs so i dont understand why shes so shocked with my responses.
I love her to death but I cant keep doing this to myself. I want nothing more than for her to be happy and healthy again, for her and for the sake of our friendship. I miss the days where she would always ask me to hangout and I felt important. I know I will never be able to make her as happy as her fix. Every ounce of my being believes that this is not her. This is her addiction. She has never insulted me or broken my hear t while sober. When shes using she doesnt give a care in the world about anything else.
Ever time we get into these fights where she says she's done being friend with me, i grovel plead and beg. But I can't help but know that is not good for my state of being. This vicious cycle destroys me mentally and emotionally. Im confident that when she cant afford drugs anymore she will come back, maybe. Its hard to tell. Shes a loner and isnt afraid of cutting people off completely. I however fear that the most.
Maybe me actually distancing myself is what I have to do. Maybe seeing that she drove away the only person who was there for her through all of this will make her realize what she is doing. I thought knowing she was hurting me was enough, it would be if she was sober, but she lost all care. She said shes glad she doesn't have to deal with me. She is tough. I want her back. I want my bestfriend back more than anything in the world. I want the person that was happy and healthy back so bad. I want her to remember how much fun we had and forget about how much she enjoys doing drugs.
I hope and pray the suboxone will help her cravings once she has no other option but to take it. She is such a beautiful person inside and out. I don't want this to take over her life because she deserves so much more.I just don't know what to do anymore. I love her with all of my heart. I just can't stomach the fact of loosing my best friend, my sister, but the sad part it, I think I already have.
With no job, money or car, she was forced to quit cold turkey. This is the most terrifying thing I have ever seen In my 17 years of life at the time. I didn't understand how someone only 2 years older than me could do something like this to herself. But all I was focused on was her getting better. She was my best friend so I refuse to let anything stop me from doing so. I willing spent every moment trying to come up with ways to help her get through withdrawal. I did not want to see her sick anymore, it was brutal. I was so excited for her to get through this and be clean. I always told her how strong she was, I don't know my ass from my elbow about what it's like to be an addict, but I do know its nearly impossible to detox yourself, it's dangerous.
Anyway a month goes by and she's almost back to normal. She got back on her feet, got a job, license and a car. Things were good. Our friendship was stronger than ever. We spent nearly every moment together when we weren't working. We were doing things that were fun, like going to the beach, hiking, and getting our nails done. It was so amazing to see how fast her life changed for the better. I knew there was alway the possibility of a relapse, but whenever she had a breakdown she would call me right away and tell me to tell her why she shouldn't. She would tell me to tell her that I wouldn't talk to her again if she did.
She used to make me feel that I was important to her. She knows how much I care about her and I thought she cared about me just as much as she showed she did. 6 months go by and she was still clean and working, doing her thing. Then I got into some trouble and was grounded. No phone, couldn't go out, nothing. And then it happened. She slipped. I was mortified. She claimed she had self control and knew she could only do it here and there. Her mindset went from " only once a week" to " oh as long as i don't do it x amount of days in a row ill be fine" to once a day.
Then it turned into something evil. I was no longer who she looked to for things. She no longer cared about my opinion. I knew what she was doing would put her right back where she was but i'm just too "naive and don't know **** about anything in relation to drugs, she says. She made sure I knew she was going to do what she wanted when she wanted and didn't care what i thought about her anymore and that she "never has".
Over the last month it had been a constant roller coaster of her being broke, sick, aggravated and over me. We got into numerous fights because she is sick of how "uneducated " i am. But being the passive person that I am, I always gave in and basically begged for her friendship back. Again she hit another low and lost her job, she was very adamant about not withdrawing for 30 days again so she decided to go to a suboxone clinic. Now I know this was not the best choice for the long run and its just a bandaid, but to me it looks like its at least a step in the right direction.
She got the script. The next day she got her last paycheck, now I advised her to try to be as frugal as possible because she wont have any money for a while. Instead she spends the last of it on her fix and I told her that was a bad Idea. I have always been upfront with my opinion on drugs so i dont understand why shes so shocked with my responses.
I love her to death but I cant keep doing this to myself. I want nothing more than for her to be happy and healthy again, for her and for the sake of our friendship. I miss the days where she would always ask me to hangout and I felt important. I know I will never be able to make her as happy as her fix. Every ounce of my being believes that this is not her. This is her addiction. She has never insulted me or broken my hear t while sober. When shes using she doesnt give a care in the world about anything else.
Ever time we get into these fights where she says she's done being friend with me, i grovel plead and beg. But I can't help but know that is not good for my state of being. This vicious cycle destroys me mentally and emotionally. Im confident that when she cant afford drugs anymore she will come back, maybe. Its hard to tell. Shes a loner and isnt afraid of cutting people off completely. I however fear that the most.
Maybe me actually distancing myself is what I have to do. Maybe seeing that she drove away the only person who was there for her through all of this will make her realize what she is doing. I thought knowing she was hurting me was enough, it would be if she was sober, but she lost all care. She said shes glad she doesn't have to deal with me. She is tough. I want her back. I want my bestfriend back more than anything in the world. I want the person that was happy and healthy back so bad. I want her to remember how much fun we had and forget about how much she enjoys doing drugs.
I hope and pray the suboxone will help her cravings once she has no other option but to take it. She is such a beautiful person inside and out. I don't want this to take over her life because she deserves so much more.I just don't know what to do anymore. I love her with all of my heart. I just can't stomach the fact of loosing my best friend, my sister, but the sad part it, I think I already have.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2015
Location: California, USA
Posts: 625
You are a kind and caring friend. I know your family is so proud of you! Please let them help and support you now. Is there a special person you can talk to? Your mom, dad, grandparents or someone at school? The issues with your friend are so extremely complex, and perhaps need more than you can offer right now, for her safety, and yours. Big HUGS to you.
You're not shackled to not drinking, you're free from drinking
Join Date: Oct 2015
Location: MN
Posts: 1,406
This is a very sad story and I'm so sorry you have to go through this. My drug of choice is alcohol but an addict is an addict. And as an addict you don't care about yourself or anyone else. All you care about is that next high.
For you the hardest thing is going to be letting her go. Don't blame yourself for anything you did or think you didn't do. That's not easy but is very important for your sanity. Unfortunately, an addict is not going to change until they are ready to and any help you try to give is seen as a threat to their addiction. And they'll do anything including being mean to you, threating you, and blaming you for their problem. But remember it's their problem not yours.
The only thing I can suggest is be supportive if the opportunity arises but don't get caught up in the drama of their life.
For you the hardest thing is going to be letting her go. Don't blame yourself for anything you did or think you didn't do. That's not easy but is very important for your sanity. Unfortunately, an addict is not going to change until they are ready to and any help you try to give is seen as a threat to their addiction. And they'll do anything including being mean to you, threating you, and blaming you for their problem. But remember it's their problem not yours.
The only thing I can suggest is be supportive if the opportunity arises but don't get caught up in the drama of their life.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: UK
Posts: 6,902
I agree with JDs post 100%. Only she can save herself - nothing you can do will stop her using. This isn't because of your age - it's because addiction ultimately is a personal journey and no-one can go on it for someone else.
You have been through the wringer with this yourself, and are likely to feel a lot of pain. I don't know if you have heard of Al Anon. They are a support group for families of addicts (it used to be mainly family of alcoholics, but is a broader support network now I believe). They are likely to have a meeting in your area, and it could be worth going along to see if they can offer you any support.
I'm so sorry you have had to go through all this, and I hope that your friend reaches the point where she decides to save herself from a life of addiction and pain.
You have been through the wringer with this yourself, and are likely to feel a lot of pain. I don't know if you have heard of Al Anon. They are a support group for families of addicts (it used to be mainly family of alcoholics, but is a broader support network now I believe). They are likely to have a meeting in your area, and it could be worth going along to see if they can offer you any support.
I'm so sorry you have had to go through all this, and I hope that your friend reaches the point where she decides to save herself from a life of addiction and pain.
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,491
Originally Posted by madgab 
Maybe me actually distancing myself is what I have to do. Maybe seeing that she drove away the only person who was there for her through all of this will make her realize what she is doing.
I think the first part of your comment is exactly right. You've tried hard to help your friend, but you must take care of yourself first. Focus on you for a while. The second part of your comment, that you hope she will see what she is missing, should not be the reason that you step away. I don't think you should be trying to teach her a lesson, but just taking care of yourself. She will need to make the choice herself if she decides to stop using drugs.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,416
I'm sorry for what brings you here madgab.
I agree with Anna - take care of yourself.
I trust and hope your friend will have an 'ah-ha' moment like I did and change her life...but there's really nothing you or anyone else can do to 'make' that happen, IMO.
D
I agree with Anna - take care of yourself.
I trust and hope your friend will have an 'ah-ha' moment like I did and change her life...but there's really nothing you or anyone else can do to 'make' that happen, IMO.
D
Member
Join Date: Jul 2015
Location: Margate, UK
Posts: 549
I'm more concerned about you. You need to get some support from family or maybe a counsellor.
It's not your fault that she does drugs. It's not your problem either, but you're obviously a very caring, kindhearted person. Take care of yourself first, please.
It's not your fault that she does drugs. It's not your problem either, but you're obviously a very caring, kindhearted person. Take care of yourself first, please.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2015
Location: Midwest
Posts: 346
sorry for your initiation GB but on the upside it was quick. you need help right now. the friends and family forums have some great advice. Be ready for some more truth tho. Us Addicts are pretty heartless and selfish when using. sounds like you need some good armor (just plain education...like your friend said) so this doesn't happen again.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2015
Location: Wilmington, DE
Posts: 393
Madgab,
Welcome to the forums, keep coming back - there is much to be learned here.
It is obvious that you care deeply for your friend and want to see her well again, but here are just a few truths about addiction.
The first is a saying which Nar-Anon calls the "three C's" - You did not Cause it, you cannot Control it and you cannot Cure it.
The second is that no matter how much you, or others, want your friend to be drug free, no one and no program can make that happen except for her. If she does not want recovery for herself, it will not happen.
Meanwhile, you need to be taking care of yourself so that your well being is not totally dependent on the state of your friend's addiction. Nar-Anon is a support group for family and loved ones of addicts, in your particular case, Nar-A-Teen would be an even better choice for support. Nar-A-Teen groups would be comprised of other young people like yourself, however, these groups are not as numerous as Nar-Anon. If you cannot find a Nar-Anon or Nar-A-Teen group nearby, Al-Anon or Al-A-Teen will work as a substitute. Any of these groups will offer friendship and a safe place for you to vent and get some one-on-one and group support from people who have been through the same things as you - they really understand.
One day at a time,
Jim
Welcome to the forums, keep coming back - there is much to be learned here.
It is obvious that you care deeply for your friend and want to see her well again, but here are just a few truths about addiction.
The first is a saying which Nar-Anon calls the "three C's" - You did not Cause it, you cannot Control it and you cannot Cure it.
The second is that no matter how much you, or others, want your friend to be drug free, no one and no program can make that happen except for her. If she does not want recovery for herself, it will not happen.
Meanwhile, you need to be taking care of yourself so that your well being is not totally dependent on the state of your friend's addiction. Nar-Anon is a support group for family and loved ones of addicts, in your particular case, Nar-A-Teen would be an even better choice for support. Nar-A-Teen groups would be comprised of other young people like yourself, however, these groups are not as numerous as Nar-Anon. If you cannot find a Nar-Anon or Nar-A-Teen group nearby, Al-Anon or Al-A-Teen will work as a substitute. Any of these groups will offer friendship and a safe place for you to vent and get some one-on-one and group support from people who have been through the same things as you - they really understand.
One day at a time,
Jim
Member
Join Date: Oct 2011
Posts: 172
Suboxone is much worse than a band aide and creates an addiction comparable only to methadone. It is a nasty synthetic that is very hard on the body and should only be used in the Bupe form short term to detox someone.
Unfortunately, doctors out there get people hooked on it and create a nice base of no insurance covered cash paying customers that have to come see them every 30 days to get a new script.
Sorry to say, but enabling her just makes her worse. I can say without a doubt as I am a long term opiate addict who tried the suboxone route that she is now where even close to being done.
Cut your losses for the time being, help her with a good dose of tough love and first and foremost take care of yourself. You are in a bad situation that is only going to get worse, much worse.
Unfortunately, doctors out there get people hooked on it and create a nice base of no insurance covered cash paying customers that have to come see them every 30 days to get a new script.
Sorry to say, but enabling her just makes her worse. I can say without a doubt as I am a long term opiate addict who tried the suboxone route that she is now where even close to being done.
Cut your losses for the time being, help her with a good dose of tough love and first and foremost take care of yourself. You are in a bad situation that is only going to get worse, much worse.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2014
Posts: 1,869
Hello and welcome.
I'm sorry that you are going through this. I am going to Eco what others said. Cut her off your life. This person will not bring any positives to your life. You are young, do you want to built a life where you surround yourself with addicts that trouble you, bring you down and cause you pain? You deserve much better. Run for the hills and never look back. Let this be a lesson. Do you really think she relapsed because you didn't have your phone? Is it your fault? NO WAY! She made the decision to relapse and it had nothing to do with you. You can't help, she can only help herself.
You
Surround yourself with good positive people. Birds of a feather run together and nothing good will come of a relationship with her right now.
You are a wonderful person (loving and caring). Show that love and care towards yourself because yourself is the one you will have the longest and most important relationship of your life.
I'm sorry that you are going through this. I am going to Eco what others said. Cut her off your life. This person will not bring any positives to your life. You are young, do you want to built a life where you surround yourself with addicts that trouble you, bring you down and cause you pain? You deserve much better. Run for the hills and never look back. Let this be a lesson. Do you really think she relapsed because you didn't have your phone? Is it your fault? NO WAY! She made the decision to relapse and it had nothing to do with you. You can't help, she can only help herself.
You
Surround yourself with good positive people. Birds of a feather run together and nothing good will come of a relationship with her right now.
You are a wonderful person (loving and caring). Show that love and care towards yourself because yourself is the one you will have the longest and most important relationship of your life.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
