Feeling sad
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2010
Posts: 3,010
Feeling sad
I wrote about this in the weekend thread but I am very low right now.
Basically my Grandmother passed away very suddenly about three months ago. She owned the house but three of my aunts live there too. I guess it is no longer "Granny's House". It is "Their House".
My mother has a very difficult family history. Basically they are all nuts. Since my Grandmother died, things have deteriorated rapidly.
My Grandma had some money which she gave ("lent"?) to my aunt Jane. But her will states that some of them are entitled to x amount of money, but there is no money.
My aunt is going into business and is now deeply in debt it seems. She said she is going to sell some land and the money will be divided out. The process will take two years. The solicitor told my parents "six months".
The problem is that my mother is also an executor of the estate and she has been kept in the dark about everything. We called to see them about a month ago and they attacked my dad and myself. Called my mom a liar and said awful things. We walked out and I vowed never to see them again.
Today we called to see them with a cake to extend an olive branch. The atmosphere was poisonous from the moment we stepped through the door. We were informed of the land sale and my aunt said that "she does not have to do this. She is doing it out of the goodness of her heart" because Grandma told her that she did not have to repay the money. My mom just asked if that was in writing? The response was "no but she winked at me". Mom just asked about other things and she was informed that it was "none of her business". (Even though mom is an executor).
Hmmm then my aunt "Sarah" appeared. I will be honest. There was a big fight years before I was even born and I did not even know I had an aunt Sarah until I was about 22 years old. (I am now 34).
Sarah has major problems. Tonight she screamed at my mother, called her a liar and told her never to darken the door again.
My parents were so good to their family all their lives. Hand on my heart, my dad is the kindest person I know. I was very disturbed by all of this and my aunt screamed at me to grow up. I did not say anything but I guess it was noticeable on my face. She then produced a newspaper that I had left there about a month ago, shoved it in my face and said "get out and take your belongings with you".
All my dad did was ask a simple question: Have you heard from the solicitor because we haven't? All of a sudden we were being told to "get out and see you in court".
As I left I said to Jane "I am sorry. We didn't mean for this to happen". I was told very abruptly "you had many happy times here and you will never see those times again". I was pretty mad at this point and I handed her back the paper and told her to keep it and go **** yourself.
I have spoken to my best friend who said it must have been awful for me to use bad language. My brother said : "are mom and dad ok? Jesus, the three hags are losing the plot faster than I thought. Christmas in Puerto Rico is sounding good right about now".
Well he always had a good sense of humour. His parting comment was "don't be expecting friendship from three oddball aunts".
And my brother summed it up nicely...
However, I am sitting here very disturbed as my parents were so good to them for years. I am not exaggerating. They really went above and beyond.
Clearly they are riling each other up and we are now considered the greedy outsiders looking for more...
I have never been treated like that in my life. I know I am oversensitive but I am extremely shocked. Especially as my Grannys financial affairs are nothing to do with me. My parents don't care about the money. All they want is to be told the truth and for people to be upfront.
Anyway, thanks for reading, if you have. I feel better just having typed this out. I am reminded of my favourite:
If - by Rudyard Kipling
If you can keep your head when all about you
Are losing theirs and blaming it on you,
If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you,
But make allowance for their doubting too;
If you can wait and not be tired by waiting,
Or being lied about, don’t deal in lies,
Or being hated, don’t give way to hating,
And yet don’t look too good, nor talk too wise:
If you can dream—and not make dreams your master;
If you can think—and not make thoughts your aim;
If you can meet with Triumph and Disaster
And treat those two impostors just the same;
If you can bear to hear the truth you've spoken
Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools,
Or watch the things you gave your life to, broken,
And stoop and build ’em up with worn-out tools:
If you can make one heap of all your winnings
And risk it on one turn of pitch-and-toss,
And lose, and start again at your beginnings
And never breathe a word about your loss;
If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew
To serve your turn long after they are gone,
And so hold on when there is nothing in you
Except the Will which says to them: “Hold on!”
If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue,
Or walk with Kings—nor lose the common touch,
If neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you,
If all men count with you, but none too much;
If you can fill the unforgiving minute
With sixty seconds’ worth of distance run,
Yours is the Earth and everything that’s in it,
And—which is more—you’ll be a Man, my son.
I would just like some opinions.
Basically my Grandmother passed away very suddenly about three months ago. She owned the house but three of my aunts live there too. I guess it is no longer "Granny's House". It is "Their House".
My mother has a very difficult family history. Basically they are all nuts. Since my Grandmother died, things have deteriorated rapidly.
My Grandma had some money which she gave ("lent"?) to my aunt Jane. But her will states that some of them are entitled to x amount of money, but there is no money.
My aunt is going into business and is now deeply in debt it seems. She said she is going to sell some land and the money will be divided out. The process will take two years. The solicitor told my parents "six months".
The problem is that my mother is also an executor of the estate and she has been kept in the dark about everything. We called to see them about a month ago and they attacked my dad and myself. Called my mom a liar and said awful things. We walked out and I vowed never to see them again.
Today we called to see them with a cake to extend an olive branch. The atmosphere was poisonous from the moment we stepped through the door. We were informed of the land sale and my aunt said that "she does not have to do this. She is doing it out of the goodness of her heart" because Grandma told her that she did not have to repay the money. My mom just asked if that was in writing? The response was "no but she winked at me". Mom just asked about other things and she was informed that it was "none of her business". (Even though mom is an executor).
Hmmm then my aunt "Sarah" appeared. I will be honest. There was a big fight years before I was even born and I did not even know I had an aunt Sarah until I was about 22 years old. (I am now 34).
Sarah has major problems. Tonight she screamed at my mother, called her a liar and told her never to darken the door again.
My parents were so good to their family all their lives. Hand on my heart, my dad is the kindest person I know. I was very disturbed by all of this and my aunt screamed at me to grow up. I did not say anything but I guess it was noticeable on my face. She then produced a newspaper that I had left there about a month ago, shoved it in my face and said "get out and take your belongings with you".
All my dad did was ask a simple question: Have you heard from the solicitor because we haven't? All of a sudden we were being told to "get out and see you in court".
As I left I said to Jane "I am sorry. We didn't mean for this to happen". I was told very abruptly "you had many happy times here and you will never see those times again". I was pretty mad at this point and I handed her back the paper and told her to keep it and go **** yourself.
I have spoken to my best friend who said it must have been awful for me to use bad language. My brother said : "are mom and dad ok? Jesus, the three hags are losing the plot faster than I thought. Christmas in Puerto Rico is sounding good right about now".
Well he always had a good sense of humour. His parting comment was "don't be expecting friendship from three oddball aunts".
And my brother summed it up nicely...
However, I am sitting here very disturbed as my parents were so good to them for years. I am not exaggerating. They really went above and beyond.
Clearly they are riling each other up and we are now considered the greedy outsiders looking for more...
I have never been treated like that in my life. I know I am oversensitive but I am extremely shocked. Especially as my Grannys financial affairs are nothing to do with me. My parents don't care about the money. All they want is to be told the truth and for people to be upfront.
Anyway, thanks for reading, if you have. I feel better just having typed this out. I am reminded of my favourite:
If - by Rudyard Kipling
If you can keep your head when all about you
Are losing theirs and blaming it on you,
If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you,
But make allowance for their doubting too;
If you can wait and not be tired by waiting,
Or being lied about, don’t deal in lies,
Or being hated, don’t give way to hating,
And yet don’t look too good, nor talk too wise:
If you can dream—and not make dreams your master;
If you can think—and not make thoughts your aim;
If you can meet with Triumph and Disaster
And treat those two impostors just the same;
If you can bear to hear the truth you've spoken
Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools,
Or watch the things you gave your life to, broken,
And stoop and build ’em up with worn-out tools:
If you can make one heap of all your winnings
And risk it on one turn of pitch-and-toss,
And lose, and start again at your beginnings
And never breathe a word about your loss;
If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew
To serve your turn long after they are gone,
And so hold on when there is nothing in you
Except the Will which says to them: “Hold on!”
If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue,
Or walk with Kings—nor lose the common touch,
If neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you,
If all men count with you, but none too much;
If you can fill the unforgiving minute
With sixty seconds’ worth of distance run,
Yours is the Earth and everything that’s in it,
And—which is more—you’ll be a Man, my son.
I would just like some opinions.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2014
Posts: 1,909
My opinion is to stay away from anyone who makes you feel that way.
Sorry to hear about your Granny.
I imagine she'd be sad to see all this too. Honor her memory the best you can with people who don't make you so upset. Feel better. 
Sorry to hear about your Granny.
I imagine she'd be sad to see all this too. Honor her memory the best you can with people who don't make you so upset. Feel better. Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 9,029
Hugs, Tetra, this is a hard one and honestly, probably not easily resolved. It's probably best not to "darken their door" but suggest to your mother to contact the solicitor to explain what's going on.
You can find peace. Sounds like your aunt Sarah is I'll equipped to do so at the moment.
You can find peace. Sounds like your aunt Sarah is I'll equipped to do so at the moment.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2014
Posts: 1,327
Tetra, I'm sorry about your grannie too, and very sorry that these aunts are behaving so badly. Family--ugh. It isn't all Norman Rockwell for sure, and death seems to bring even more of it to the fore.
Give your folks a squeeze from me.
Give your folks a squeeze from me.
Member
Join Date: May 2015
Location: USA
Posts: 740
I'm sorry about the loss of your grandmother and about your situation, Tetra. It is extremely disconcerting and hurtful when something like this happens. I know because it happened to me recently with a family member. In mycase, I decided to disengage completely and move on with my life. Sometimes, relationships have to end if people can't be respectful. That's my bottom line.
In your family's case, it's more complicated since there are assets involved, but that's what lawyers are for...
Try not to let this get you down for too long. Sadly, these things are a part of life that we have to deal with sometimes. I'm sure you'll get through it.
Delfin
In your family's case, it's more complicated since there are assets involved, but that's what lawyers are for...
Try not to let this get you down for too long. Sadly, these things are a part of life that we have to deal with sometimes. I'm sure you'll get through it.
Delfin
Magsie
Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: UK
Posts: 26,683
Hi Tetra, my condolences for the loss of your grandmother.
Unfortunately, families can feud when it comes down to money and they obviously don't want your parents to have any! Hopefully all will be settled with the solicitor so it won't cause any more upset for yourself and your parents.
Take care.
Unfortunately, families can feud when it comes down to money and they obviously don't want your parents to have any! Hopefully all will be settled with the solicitor so it won't cause any more upset for yourself and your parents.
Take care.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,442
Like Ruby said I don't think this is going to resolved soon.
I'm sorry to read about this Tetra, and sorry for the pain it's causing you and your immediate family.
I'm pleased tho that you bought your feelings here and wrote them out. Thats a very healthy thing to do
D
I'm sorry to read about this Tetra, and sorry for the pain it's causing you and your immediate family.
I'm pleased tho that you bought your feelings here and wrote them out. Thats a very healthy thing to do
D
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Posts: 6,224
Tetra I'm sorry to hear that you are dealing with all this. Sadly such stories are far more common than they should be, people do crazy things when wills are involved.
I'd urge you to look outward, to your own life because what's happening with your grandmother's children at the moment has nothing to do with the love you and your grandma shared. Nothing can break those bonds.
I'd urge you to look outward, to your own life because what's happening with your grandmother's children at the moment has nothing to do with the love you and your grandma shared. Nothing can break those bonds.
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
Tetra, even if it uses up all the money I think the only option your mother has is to hand it over to a solicitor asap. You can't bully solicitors in these situations, they just go on ahead and do what needs to be done.
She'd better do it soon or the three aunts will make more mischief.
She'd better do it soon or the three aunts will make more mischief.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2010
Posts: 3,010
Thanks for the words of support.
I'm trying not to dwell on it but I feel physically sick when I think of the words of bile and hatred. I am sorry that things deteriorated so rapidly.
I'm trying to keep busy. I had a driving lesson today which went very well.
I'm trying not to dwell on it but I feel physically sick when I think of the words of bile and hatred. I am sorry that things deteriorated so rapidly.
I'm trying to keep busy. I had a driving lesson today which went very well.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Ireland
Posts: 25,826
I'm not sure what it is about Irish families, or whether this happens everywhere in the world, but when there's money/property involved when someone dies it's always a disaster, with family splits and people's true colours come out, I think it's shocking.
Remember to take some time for yourself Tetra, you don't need to be around negative people, if people want to get on like that then let them, focus on you in all of this!!
Remember to take some time for yourself Tetra, you don't need to be around negative people, if people want to get on like that then let them, focus on you in all of this!!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2010
Posts: 3,010
I still feel bad today when I think about it.
I should not have told my aunt to **** off, and I regret that. I was angry and it was out of character for me. However, she was ignorant, aggressive, hostile, and way out of line.
I imagine I'll feel better tomorrow. I have my class all day.
Thanks to all who posted and for the advice.
I should not have told my aunt to **** off, and I regret that. I was angry and it was out of character for me. However, she was ignorant, aggressive, hostile, and way out of line.
I imagine I'll feel better tomorrow. I have my class all day.
Thanks to all who posted and for the advice.
Guest
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: The Deep South
Posts: 14,636
Tetra, I really feel your pain over this incident. I can relate to this, because I come from a dysfunctional family background as well (many of us here do!).
It's great that you were able to hold onto your decency and integrity in the midst of this apparent crazy yelling match. I doubt your "**** off" is anything to lost much sleep over though, because at the rate these ladies were going, your response was mild in comparison.
It's natural at some point to feel the need to lash out in self-defense. It seems that's what you did. You weren't offensive; you were defending yourself and your parents.
I have a few bat crazy aunts myself. My mom's sister is the worst. I'd like to see her once more to tell her to **** herself And there's no doubt my mom would cheer me on if she could (she's dead, ashes are in an urn on my fireplace mantel).
Tetra, I hope you can forgive yourself soon. I think anyone would've lost patience at that point. You went there with good intentions. So maybe hold onto that thought when these negative feelings overwhelm you.
It's great that you were able to hold onto your decency and integrity in the midst of this apparent crazy yelling match. I doubt your "**** off" is anything to lost much sleep over though, because at the rate these ladies were going, your response was mild in comparison.
It's natural at some point to feel the need to lash out in self-defense. It seems that's what you did. You weren't offensive; you were defending yourself and your parents.
I have a few bat crazy aunts myself. My mom's sister is the worst. I'd like to see her once more to tell her to **** herself
And there's no doubt my mom would cheer me on if she could (she's dead, ashes are in an urn on my fireplace mantel). Tetra, I hope you can forgive yourself soon. I think anyone would've lost patience at that point. You went there with good intentions. So maybe hold onto that thought when these negative feelings overwhelm you.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2014
Posts: 1,327
Hi, Tetra:
You are a good person, which is why you feel bad for telling your aunt to *** off. We all have the right, however, to loose our patience with folks who behave badly and cross boundaries. Don't feel bad. xo
You are a good person, which is why you feel bad for telling your aunt to *** off. We all have the right, however, to loose our patience with folks who behave badly and cross boundaries. Don't feel bad. xo
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