Need some advice regarding event tomorrow
 

Hi, all:

I need some input. My partner is performing at an event tomorrow, which happens to be at a winery.. He really wants me to go, and I want to go too. He is having some work and family challenges, and it would give us a chance to spend some time together. But a winery! Ack. And one that has sentimental value to us as a couple, no less. To be fair to him, he probably doesn't see the problem. I did go to Octoberfest without incident last week, but this week I fell weepy and sad and wine is my downfall. It isn't smart to go.

So I guess I'm not asking advice about whether I should go--I know I shouldn't. But how do I tell him? Even though we've talked a lot about it, I don't think he really grasps my issues with drinking, maybe in part because I did most of it in secret. I'm just feeling really stretched here. I know he will be disappointed.

Disappointed or not I would be honest like you just have been with us if you went octoberfest last week with him he shouldn't have a problem :hug:

Just tell him how you feel and how dangerous it would be for you to be there. I hope he won't take it personally and will understand.

Hi matilda, I agree, be honest and explain how important your sobriety is and maybe explain with how you have been feeling this week that being in a winery would be too much for you right now. Wishing you the best :)

Matilda, all of the above are good points to ponder. Have you read Fradley's recent post about his upcoming dilemma, the advice we gave him and his response? Many of us at times want to do something that can put us at risk. When I'm tempted, I think through how much time and effort it took me to become reliably sober. I don't want to go back there again! I don't know how long you've been sober - I just hit 14 months this week and still feel like a mama lioness protecting her cubs when it comes to my sobriety.

Thanks, all, and thank you, Saskia, for pointing me to that thread. I only popped on here really quickly this morning, so I didn't see it.

I think the thing I'm struggling with is that my partner, I fear, doesn't really think I have a problem. He is supportive of my decision to drink, but I think he thinks it is temporary, perhaps? Anyway, clearly a sit down is needed.

I expressed concern to my sponser about a high school reunion when I was a few months into recovery last time a few years ago. He told me people don't notice or generally care if you are not drinking and we think too much about others might say or wonder when we don't at a party, etc.
but if you are concerned about your own self control- I'd just avoid going.

Matilda, I hope you can convince your partner to respect your assessment of what is important for you. Normies understandably don't "get it". You may want to be prepared for your partner not getting it and rely on your own strength and determination. The former would be ideal but may or may not happen.

[QUOTE=
but if you are concerned about your own self control- I'd just avoid going.[/QUOTE]

Yeah, I think that is my concern. So far, I have been able to pass on these things. Went to Octoberfest last weekend. Can't say it was fun, but I managed. This week has been hard. I'm tired and I'm feeling strung out. The winery is the one our wedding wine came from, and has all this sentimental stuff attached to it that I best avoid.

I just read Fradley's thread. Great advice there and Fradley, very thankful that you posted. I think I'm going to come up with an alternative plan for us on Sunday so that we can still spend time together. Maybe take the dogs to the beach for a romp and some fish and chips :)

Update: Event tomorrow
 

Hi, all:

Just an update on my earlier post about the event at the winery and what to do. Spoke to my partner and told him that I didn't think it was a good idea for me to sit in a winery--especially one of our favorites--for three hours. That my sobriety is too new and too fragile, especially this week. He said he thought I was probably right. We agreed that the most important thing is to carve out some time for ourselves this weekend, so we are going to go on a hike on Sunday with the dogs and take a picnic.

thanks again for the advice. I think I knew what I needed to do; saying it out loud and getting confirmation really helped.:tyou

Matilda:

I've been trying to walk the honesty path for many years now. I have fallen off the wagon many times, depending on the situation. I've gotten myself in terrible binds at times by not being honest all along and feeling I need to back-pedal PDQ (pretty darn quick)...I think your true friends will understand if you are NOT always honest..but your true friends will ALSO understand when you ARE honest! Since I haven't always been honest 100% of the time, I totally understand when others aren't, so I try to give them a break! I was corrected on this once and it stuck!

So, just relax and be reassured that your true friends are maybe more forgiving and understanding than you know.

Still learning my lessons and i know I will continue to need to learn more...learning never ends!

What you decide to do about the winery will work out just fine, I think. Try not to get too stressed out about it.

:thanks

Mathilde, glad it worked out! Just as an aside, my boyfriend didn't fully understand how much of a problem I had, even after I told him. I was a secret drinker, too, and apparently ok at it.

What's been interesting is that after a while I didn't have to try to explain, because the difference between me now and a few months ago is so noticeable. He's always been supportive but now I think he fully gets on an emotional level how much I need this. I would predict your partner will probably grow in his understanding, too.

I'm glad you talked it out. I think you made a good decision Matilda :)

D

Great to hear it all worked out Matilda!! :)