BixBees505

Good to see you posting, Max.
"chemical lobotomy"==> no more!

BixBees505

Oops, I just saw your latest post, Max. You have to do what is best for you! Online alone or primary cannot be right for all of us. Find and do what really works. Godspeed.

Layali

I wish you well, max!!

Stubbs16

Thanks Bix. Its ok, not saying SR hasnt helped, it has gotten me through alot of bad times. Im just saying, I need to do much, much more for my recovery besides this, and AA. Obviously, Im not doing any of these things right, so I need to figure out my next step. SR has been a godsend to me most times, AA as well. Why I still fail at sobriety has nothing to do with this site at all. And Im grateful for it. Thanks friends.

Stubbs16

Thanks layali.

Layali

I have felt so terrible today....from anxiety and guilt, from everything I said/did while drinking...and today....trying to fix it and looking even more stupid..... I feel sooooooo baaaaaaaaaaad it's almost like a rock bottom for me. I NEVER want to feel this way EVER AGAIN. And this time, I don't want to drink ever again. I don't want it.

But I'm sure I've felt this way before, at least once or twice. Enough time passes, and I forget I ever felt this way. But, if I keep drinking, I will turn more and more into this person I don't want to be. I'm already so embarrassed and feel so ashamed and guilty and horrible and weird.....I mean, there are people that don't know I'm drinking so I can't even begin to imagine what they think of me and my behaviours - why I would do and say the things I do and say - how much of an idiot I must be. And I don't want to ruin things, relationships.... I can't lose those things!! I have precious few important relationships in my life. I DO NOT want to lose them. I don't. I cant......

Rio97

Thanks for the encouragement everyone. Maximus I can relate to what you're saying. My biggest struggle is complacency I think and feeling like help that's available out there won't work for me. I've tried AA and became frustrated. I'm going to keep posting here and just most importantly not drink.

Dee you're right. I need to reach out more. I think I have this strange complex where I think all my fears, frustrations, regrets, wants, etc. are unique to me and no one would understand. Like I feel like I'm weird or something. Anyway I need to get past that, and find common ground with others. Trying to fight this alone is too difficult.

forabetterlife

Max, I do hope you will stay, especially if , as you say, sr has been so helpful to you.

Rio, I know what you mean about feeling like others may not understand. I often feel like I am not expressing myself accurately and I think at times that's why I hold back from posting , especially when I need to the most.

Monday afternoon, for example, I was off work, had a great sober birthday weekend, jogged over 3'miles for 3 days in a row, I was feeling so peaceful and pleased with myself . But I had planned on going to the cemetery to visit my dad that day and it was bringing back all those feelings of losing him again (he died in January) and felt so sad, so frustrated because I want to feel a spiritual connection with him, and just so sorry for myself. Immediately drinking just seemed like a given. How can I deal with all of this without a few beers? No attempt to talk myself out of it, I just went on autopilot. Autopilot, not using the tools that I know help me, and not coming to sr for support - in a split second, that first sip, and everything changes. For four days. Of course I worked and I carried on taking care of everything like I always do. But my mind gets poisoned with the alcohol, I start obsessing over my ex, thinking negatively, get lazy and look worse from the alcohol and poor sleep with each passing day. Same cycle. Every time. Writing it out, like I just did, at that decisive moment, would have made all the difference.

forabetterlife

My point was that, like rio, I feel really insecure putting my feelings and thoughts out there like that. Already I'm starting to think I sounded stupid or rambling, or you guys will think I'm crazy! It's that insecurity that sometimes keeps me from posting when I need to. And it's all in my own head.

grizzlybearblue

I'm sorry Layali and Max that you've had some hard days lately. I'm happy to hear yall are not giving up though! I'm proud of you for keeping at it
Max, I will miss you if you leave : ( but far more important is what you need to do for yourself to get healthy. I hope that you find that soon even if it's not with us. We'll still be here for you!!

Rio97

I can relate, FBL. I feel I've held on to a lot of it for so long, it's hard to let go. Plus, I was raised to not ever admit anything is wrong - soldier on. I think it became ingrained in me not to talk about anything bothering me. No wonder I turned to alcohol. At the same time, this idea keeps me heading back out. I think reaching out and learning to open up more is the biggest change I need to make.

nmd

Tomorrow's a new day, you may need additional support p2p, but you may find online support is still a part off your recovery. The danger of walking away is putting off getting sober indefinately. I hope you choose to stay

For me, quitting isn't really a choice anymore, it's quit or continue to get sicker and sicker.

Whatever you choose to do, we're still here and I wish you the best

kellymh24

I made it through day 6.
Deep breath.
Everyone has been drinking around me all day and I thought I might break since about 10am this morning. I actually said, hell, I'm just gonna drink (in my mind).
I was certain of it.
But I didn't.
I washed a lot of dishes and mostly wished I could just hide in a closet all night.
My brother was beyond trashed when he showed up to my house and my sister was working on a good thing.
People are still over and having cocktails.

I'm emotionally drained.

I made it though.

grizzlybearblue

Great job kelly!! Wow it is hard to stay strong in those situations, but you did it!! Awesome : ) With each thing I do, big or small, that I didn't think I could do, I feel a little stronger.
Third sober Friday in a row for me. Whoa. The last time I did that was my last time in rehab - and I was not particularly happy about being sober. Fridays are usually hard for me, but after a busy 10 hours at work, I was too tired to really think about drinking. I am pretty mellow tonight. I kept thinking of this saying "be where you're at cuz you're already there ". So I decided to rent movies, get taco bell, and be satisfied with a chill night instead of trying to get rip roaring drunk and make something happen that I'll likely regret in the morning.
I'm happy to see everybody posting - for better or worse. Keep talking please! I gain something from everybody, and it has been invaluable for me in these early days.
Wishing everyone a happy and healthy weekend!!!

Layali

So today, on day 1 (well, now I am technically starting day 2, but it's day 1 I'm talking about) I ordered two pizzas and ate that plus had some more pop and chocolate....watched netflix, read posts here, tried to fix some damage from last night (mostly on FB).... I feel kinda depressed and guilty still, about that. Feeling pretty tired of things, in general, and also like I want to curl up into a ball and hide for awhile.

But tomorrow, I am determined at least to get up, have a coffee, take all my vitamins, get outside!! Even if it's just for a few minutes (but better yet, walk around a bit...) eat enough healthy foods....whatever junk I may eat tomorrow (and I'm running out of that, and am too poor to get too much more) I will also stuff as many health things into my mouth as possible, haha. I have a lot of fruits and veggies here. I can do this.

Also might start a thankfulness journal. Well, for 21 days I will write down three things I'm thankful for - no repeats allowed (unless they're extras!)

Also I downloaded two apps for my phone - Sober Grid, and SoberTool. And and and - I joined a couple sobriety groups on FB, I've always been too embarrassed to do that, since on FB I can't really hide my identity, and I'm scared of people seeing me join - but at this point, I know that I NEED this. And FB is where I live the most, when on the net. And if I have a steady stream of sobriety things on my newsfeed, well, that will help. Plus, more people I can reach out to.

And, there is one support group on thursday nights (in real life I mean) that I have gone to before. May join that again. But also, may work up the nerve to join another group, closer to my house - walking distance. There are a few close to my house, actually. They're AA though, and the one on thursdays is women for sobriety. But the real reason I haven't gone to these new groups is I'm afraid I'll see people I know and word will get out somehow. But I have to get over this!!! This addiction is far worse than people possibly knowing I have a problem.... if this problem gets worse, which I think it will if I don't get help, then people WILL know I have a problem, and not for good reasons.....

So, that is what I'm working on right now.

nmd

Congrats Kelly on getting through! I agree though, those situations can be draining. Maybe you can treat yourself in some way (with out alcohol of course)

Grizzly- three Fridays is amazimg! yesterday was my second Friday in a row. The first few weeks are the hardest really, and while I know I'm not out of the woods I'm enjoying the benefits of being sober already

Layali, I like how you are adjusting your plan, that's how to win! Gratitudes, as simple as is seems, really have helped me focus on the positive reasons to stay sober. Keep up the hard work!

Stubbs16

Hello class. Im still here. Ive decided to hang around and keep trying. So here is day one. I know what to expect, and where I need to go from here. Even though my day count begins again, everytime I fail just makes me more determined to get and stay sober. Im not giving up the fight . Thanks for having me.

beeme

Keep it up, Layali, your plan looks solid.

Glad you're still with us here, Max! You can do this.

beeme

Oh, and Kelly, you passed a REALLY tough test. Kudos to you.

KeyofC

Max hang in there! You don't give up! Please give yourself a chance to be the you that you were meant to be! I'm like Dee. I gotta be real tough on myself. It's just not an option at all, I will lose everything I have that's important to me and I just can't do that. It's hard for everyone. You got to do the work. Change your thinking! Being more positive. Not taking everything personally because trust me we do! Read the serenity prayer and really research what each line means. I did. Read the steps for AA and research those. I did. Read the big book and really read it as in researching it. I did. I google "alcoholism" and read whatever I can find. I apply these changes in my life. You can't live a sober life living in your drunk mind and daily drunk activities. Just can't work. Change your thinking to change your life. My priority every day is my sobriety. I guard it like its gold. Nothing is going to take it from me. It all starts with me every single day all day long. ((((Hug))))