nyala

Hello,

I have 4 months sobriety in the bag, and am generally ticking along nicely.

However, I have a friend coming in from overseas with his hard -drinking, investment-banking buddies on some five-day party and have been invited to join them for a couple of events.

I'd love to see my pal ( it has been a few years ), but I really feel I have nothing in common with him anymore, and certainly will not with his mates.

I have made my excuses to avoid one event, but don't feel I can't attend the other ( swanky beach bar, sport on TV, trust fund kids swanning around. braying to each other and rhapsodising about where they live ) .


All I want to do is go for a pleasant stroll and a chat about life, winding up with a coffee somewhere with a view of the sea.

I've suggested this twice by email, but have receive one -line replies suggesting alternative venues of the same type. ( Part of me thinks he has subbed this task to his PA - he's that kind of guy )


Whatever - I can just go and grin and bear it - or let him know clearly that I don't do the 'jocks on the lash" thing anymore, and risk being rude by limiting my time with him.

I needed to post this just to get it out of my head.

My plan is to call him later, suggest again the coffee/walk option and see what happens.

I'm not going to risk my sobriety, but I don't want to make a big deal out of it either.

If I don't see him tomorrow I may not see him again for years - I'm not sure if this is a reason to go - or a reason to stay away though

Thanks for listening,

Fradley

Venecia

The coffee/walk option sounds good. Put your sobriety first and you'll have no regrets.

SoberLeigh

The coffee/walk scenario is a nice option and is the way to go, I think. The other scenarios sound too risky. Nothing is worth losing your sobriety.

Glad you came here to talk about it, Fradley.

Congratulations on 4 months!!!!!

BixBees505

I agree with the others. I am thankful you posted for opinions...it helps me formulate your own. Maybe your friend will catch up with his own emails during flight and respond to your reasonable alternative. You have everything to win by protecting sobriety. Including (possibly?) keeping good memories of your buddy without tainting them.

Fly N Buy

Take your own best sober advice........

Glad you're here posting! Out with the old, in with the new. His outlook calendar may not look as full, but he'll survive. You will to and you'll gain some more sober muscle tissue.

No is a complete sentence

thomas11

Hi Fradley, put your sobriety first. If you are looking for support and encouragement, you have mine. No need to risk 4 months of hard work. And these guys should understand where you are coming from or at least respect your decision.

Soberwolf

I agree with the coffee/walk idea Fradley

fini

it's not rude to limit your time with him. it's about boundaries and what some call self-care.

Carver

Exactly. Will you regret going? If you're strong enough to say no to booze when you get there, go. If you're not sure, don't.

FreeOwl

I've taken the liberty of editing out the most important parts of your own post.

In my opinion, you ought to just stick to those. Plain and simple.

Ball is in his court.

PurpleKnight

How about be honest with him, say I'm not drinking as much anymore and wouldn't be comfortable with the partying, but how about a coffee and a hang out sometime!!

Saskia

Fradley, you are doing so well! If it were me (and yes, I realize it's not!) , I would stick with the coffee and walk and if that doesn't fly, then is this a person who is important to keep in your life?

When I first moved to my retirement community, I found a rather active wine-with-dinner society. From the first day I simply said "No thanks, I don't drink" when offered. For me that worked well but even though people stopped asking or half asked, it did trigger some urges so now I get take-out most days and go to the more formal dinner once or twice a week. I completely skip the weekly "social" (I.e. Drinking) hour and the occasional wine and cheese parties, wine tasting, and similar events. I can only handle temptation in limited doses.

Fly N Buy

Like this - you'll find out if he's a friend or just a drinking buddy. I had to toss a couple of latter, nice guys but not compatible with fresh sobriety.

nyala

Thanks everyone. I really appreciate your support.

Opinion is hardly divided is it ? I am so glad I posted, as in my mind - as I churned over the issue - it seemed far less clear cut.

I have mailed again repeating the offer of walk/chat/coffee - stated I have been avoiding bars and boozy social events for a while. And obviously joining a stag ( bucks ) party is not an option.

I'm clear that I won't attend either ' party ' event, but will make every effort to drive to wherever and at whatever time tomorrow to have a proper catch up if possible.

If it happens to work out, great. If not, then I may make a friend grumpy - or even lose touch for the last time. But even if that happens the pain for both if us will be nothing compared to the misery I would feel having to start again if I drank.

Thanks again. The more days sober I have, the more precious my sobriety is - and the more I am prepared to do to protect it.

This brings its own anxieties, but I can rely on friends here to help me do the right thing.

Fradley
.

BixBees505

Fradley, such clarity. Happy for you.

"If it happens to work out, great. If not, then I may make a friend grumpy - or even lose touch for the last time. But even if that happens the pain for both if us will be nothing compared to the misery I would feel having to start again if I drank."

Saskia

Sounds like a very mature and wise attitude, Fradley. I am so proud of you for taking the time to think things through and then to come down on the side of sobriety with no little whines for what you know can't be.

Fly N Buy

Ultimately its what we do with our feet not our thoughts that determine our sobriety. Appears that your feet are read to stay sober@!

Soberwolf

nyala

Nicely put, Fly

This whole dilemma has really knocked me sideways - I have been obsessing about it all day. As it stands right now - I have sent a follow up message referring to my " I'm not doing the bars thing any more" email.

I haven't received a reply to either but feel I should call out of politeness. It has been eating me up all day and i have been unable to get anything meaningful done.

The whole thing is turning out to be a catalyst for me to assess all the other issues in my life - I'm doing more or less the opposite of what I was 10 years ago, in every respect - career, wealth, relationships. children, friends, where I live on the planet, to name a few * - but of course the one thing that stayed constant was my relationship with alcohol - and now that has changed too.

I have no interest in connecting with anyone from my past, especially if they are still living the 'old' life I have rejected.

So the conversation in my head goes like this:

Fradley's Buddy: "I come all the way from X and am in town for a few days and you cant even be bothered to spend an evening hanging out with me and my buddies in a series of swanky bars and clubs"

Fradley: "Unfortunately, this is true. You do not mean enough to me for me to make that small commitment"

I'm getting sucked back in even as I type this...

I wrote yesterday something along the lines of "even if we fall out as friends, the pain for each of us will be less than the misery for me if I slip up and start drinking again"

OK - I am going to make the call now. I'll play it by ear

Saskia

Fradley, not an easy one!

Perhaps the following? "I would enjoy seeing you. I cannot do so at this time in an environment where drinking is taking place."

I found that the simplest and most direct was also the most effective. IMHO, how clearly we say this is reflective of where we are internally in our sobriety. Otoh, being simple and direct can also clarify our own thinking and strength of purpose. I'd recommend keeping it straight and simple and try not to overthink.