Hubby asking me to get him booze...
 

Hello everyone:

I would like your opinions on how to handle this. When I was actively drinking I used to almost always get the booze. Good wine or too shelve spirits. I was also a "mixologist" so I would make us cocktails. Now that I don't drink my husband has just been drinking whatever beer. The other day he asked me to get him something yummy and that he missed me getting booze for him. I told him I would do it and I am comfortable getting something for him but I would like your input on how to handle this. How can I not be defensive and tell him "you are a grown man!!! Get your own drinks!" . I don't want to make an argument about it. I want to be prepared next time this comes up.

Thanks in advance.

Tell him to get his own drinks. You don'[t need to be defensive about it, simply tell him you don't drink so you don't need to be involved with his drinking.

If you're not comfortable getting him beer, you can just tell him "I'm not comfortable buying alcohol at this time. Please buy your own." You don't have to tell him he's a grown man, get his own drinks. Is there something else going on that you would say that to him? Sounds exactly something I'd say to my husband when I'm angry.

Gosh, he is a grown man, and if he wants to drink, he can go and buy alcohol.

When I stopped drinking, the last place I wanted to be was in a liquor store.

If this is something you think he should do for himself, then hopefully you can talk it over and he will understand your feelings.

When you told him you would do it and were comfortable with it, was that honest?

I think it depends on his and your drinking situation. I assume since you quit drinking you are in recovery? Does he have a drinking problem? Are you enabling him? Is it jeopardizing your sobriety? The answers to those questions would change my opinion 180 degrees. One end of the spectrum I could say it's no different than asking your significant other to make your favorite food. The opposite answer I would have depending on your answers to the questions I asked would be "hell no don't buy him booze"

...agreed. I don't think you have to get defensive about it. Just explain it to him. I know my wife never expected me to buy her drinks after I stopped drinking.

If I were in his shoes, I don't think it would hurt my feelings at all if you didn't buy the booze. He will probably understand how you feel, but you've got to tell him first.

...beware of the compliance hoop...
 

It sounds like a compliance test...

By saying yes you've jumped through his compliance hoop...

the more hoops you jump through.....the more you're likely to be influenced by the commitment and consistency rule......

....where are the hoops leading to....

.....does he want you to drink with him again? Ah just one.....I miss when we used to drink together....

You could just ask "what did your last slave die of?" with a wink and smile.....said in a good humored way. Result: compliance hoop dead.

I think this will be antagonistic, since that is what he is complaining about, that I never "surprise" him with good booze.

Yes! I am angry that he is even asking but I guess if I step back this was something special I did for him... He misses it.

I honestly e so! But how many talks do I need to have with him. He is a normie...

Part of sobriety is setting boundaries. Do you truly feel comfortable in being the person responsible for providing him with alcohol? I'm guessing you don't otherwise you probably wouldn't be here asking about it right?

It certainly could be antagonistic but you can set the tone for the conversation. State your intentions and let it be - you may need to back away from the conversation for a bit.

Yes. I feel ok going to the licor store but I'm annoyed that he would use it against me. Like "you never do this for me anymore"....

He is having a hard time letting go of his partying buddy...

No.
It's a complete sentence.

I like the analogy of favorite food, I like that thanks. He is a normie and eventhough he is starting to be supportive I can see the battle inside him. Part of him wants to have his partying buddy but the other part remembers the horror.

I told him that he could get his own and he said he missed that special thing I surprised him with... I have been having these conversations for a year and a half... I guess it will be my entire life...

I don't think it's unreasonable for an adult to go get their own beer or whatever, unless they're drunk, in which case they've had enough anyway.

It sounds as tho your husband is going to pout no matter what you do so you may as well please yourself I think? :)

D

Ahhh - this is a tough one. I'm retired and my husband works a seasonal job. (soon to end in a few weeks). When either of us shops, we check the normal needs or preferences of the other. He likes sweet treats (I'm diabetic), he likes beer (I'm an alcoholic). In my specific situation, my husband's job is physically grueling. He's 65 years old and is exhausted when he gets home. Because I'm not bringing any money in, except for my social security and he is out there working day to day, I try to keep the pantry stocked, including his sweet treats and beer. I know it sounds as if I'm the perfect wife. However, if my husband were not to have his sweet treat, or his beer, he would be leaving when he arrived home, to purchase such items and sulk when he got home. I guess I do it to avoid the sulk and the alienation.

Tell him to get his own drinks and do the dishes and laundry while he is at it.

After my wife and I had "the talk", it was understood that if I wanted anything to drink, I would have to go buy it. It was non-negotiable. It actually helped on a few occasions because I would want something to drink but was too lazy or tired to go get it, so....there's that.