Strange things are happening to me.
Self recovered Self discovered
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Toronto Canada
Posts: 5,148
If you feel that the issue you need to fix is your addiction to alcohol and the misery it is making of your life, there is indeed a cure! You CAN fix this. The answer is very simple. While it may or may not be easy, that question can't figure into your decision. Easy or hard, it doesn't matter. And I have a feeling you can do hard, Susan.
The cure is setting yourself free by never drinking again. There is an inner wail you hear when you read that, and that wail comes from a place of fear and uncertainty. Assign that fear to your imagined need to continue drinking, and make the choice to open yourself to all those experiences and opportunities currently denied to you.
Make that decision that the last drink you had will be the last drink you will have. People do this every day, and start their new lives with optimism and hope instead of misery, fear and despair. You can be one of them. Honest.
Please keep posting, Susan. There is support for you here of the very best kind.
The cure is setting yourself free by never drinking again. There is an inner wail you hear when you read that, and that wail comes from a place of fear and uncertainty. Assign that fear to your imagined need to continue drinking, and make the choice to open yourself to all those experiences and opportunities currently denied to you.
Make that decision that the last drink you had will be the last drink you will have. People do this every day, and start their new lives with optimism and hope instead of misery, fear and despair. You can be one of them. Honest.
Please keep posting, Susan. There is support for you here of the very best kind.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2015
Location: MN
Posts: 8,704
As you can see by the responses, there is nothing necessarily wrong with you, but the alcoholic in you is getting its way. When I drank too much at night I rarely gave it much thought, when I started to drink during the day (like on a rain day) I thought I might have a problem. The first time I had a drink in the morning (like on a rain day) I KNEW I had a problem. You are not alone and no one will judge, leave, or abandon you on this site.
Member
Join Date: May 2014
Location: usa
Posts: 3,938
Susan...I honestly didn't want to quit drinking either. I still enjoyed it, except for the hangovers, remorse, and shame that went with it. But I did quit, because I didn't like those after effects, and you can too. After your head clears, you will feel so much better. Just take it one day at a time and check in here several times a day. There is so much help and support here. You can do it.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2015
Posts: 3,163
Welcome.
I was thinking of you when I read the open letter that CC Sabathia of the New York Yankees issued this week when he decided to go into rehab instead of pitching in the playoffs . Not many would have made that call especially as nothing had happened to force him into it -- it was just his time. If you want to read it it is posted in Recovery the News, Movies and Pop Culture. Great letter and thanks to the poster for sharing.
For me, the key was to accept that I could abstain, but I could not ever ever drink safely in the same way that a diabetic cannot eat sugar. Once I made that click, it became a new ball game for me (no pun intended).
Do I wish I could drink safely -- yep. Many do not, but being honest, I still do -- maybe it will one day be like my old tobacco friend that I would never touch even it was good for me, but so far not there yet with booze.
But I have accepted that, just like many other things that I would like to do but do not, I do not and cannot drink.
I mean I can, but I could also drink poison, and I would not do that, so why drink something that acts the same for me.
The challenge is that unlike poison alcohol is not the same for everyone, and we like it, so we feel sorry for ourselves to have to miss it when others don't (or don't yet).
Which brings me back to the diabetes analogy -- my diabetic friends would love to eat the desserts I can, but cannot. I al sure they wonder why, but accept that this is just the way their bodies work and if they want to live a heathy life, they cannot have sweets.
In the same way, some days I would love the wine my husband drinks, but I cannot.
For me, once I accepted that it really was that simple, the choice became clear -- not easy at all, but easier.
I know how you feel. Please stick with us.
I was thinking of you when I read the open letter that CC Sabathia of the New York Yankees issued this week when he decided to go into rehab instead of pitching in the playoffs . Not many would have made that call especially as nothing had happened to force him into it -- it was just his time. If you want to read it it is posted in Recovery the News, Movies and Pop Culture. Great letter and thanks to the poster for sharing.
For me, the key was to accept that I could abstain, but I could not ever ever drink safely in the same way that a diabetic cannot eat sugar. Once I made that click, it became a new ball game for me (no pun intended).
Do I wish I could drink safely -- yep. Many do not, but being honest, I still do -- maybe it will one day be like my old tobacco friend that I would never touch even it was good for me, but so far not there yet with booze.
But I have accepted that, just like many other things that I would like to do but do not, I do not and cannot drink.
I mean I can, but I could also drink poison, and I would not do that, so why drink something that acts the same for me.
The challenge is that unlike poison alcohol is not the same for everyone, and we like it, so we feel sorry for ourselves to have to miss it when others don't (or don't yet).
Which brings me back to the diabetes analogy -- my diabetic friends would love to eat the desserts I can, but cannot. I al sure they wonder why, but accept that this is just the way their bodies work and if they want to live a heathy life, they cannot have sweets.
In the same way, some days I would love the wine my husband drinks, but I cannot.
For me, once I accepted that it really was that simple, the choice became clear -- not easy at all, but easier.
I know how you feel. Please stick with us.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2009
Location: Florida
Posts: 77
Thank every single one of you. I wish I could say I feel better today, but I feel worse. The Bloody Mary turned into a Dark and Stormy because I ran out of gin and didn't want to take my husband's vodka. I think I've sort of kept things under control because when my sons were here, I pretty strict rules for myself, and strongly dislike being drunk.
I always was hungover on Sundays but the rule was do housework and exercise and just suffer until 4:30, then the two glasses of wine. Then it occurred to me that since my husband and I were drinking on weeknights, maybe I could have a Bloody Mary instead of wine, or maybe even both. Then, why suffer at all Sunday? Get my husband to take me to brunch, or just fix me an omelet and call it brunch. Feel terrible on Monday? Why not have a drink with lunch? Lots of people do it. Then, my freak out that brought me here, a Bloody with breakfast.
The last thing my husband said to me was I hope you have a better day, and don't drink rum in the daytime. God! I never thought anyone would say those words to me. I'm only having coffee and Crystal Lite right now. Thanks again, everyone.
I always was hungover on Sundays but the rule was do housework and exercise and just suffer until 4:30, then the two glasses of wine. Then it occurred to me that since my husband and I were drinking on weeknights, maybe I could have a Bloody Mary instead of wine, or maybe even both. Then, why suffer at all Sunday? Get my husband to take me to brunch, or just fix me an omelet and call it brunch. Feel terrible on Monday? Why not have a drink with lunch? Lots of people do it. Then, my freak out that brought me here, a Bloody with breakfast.
The last thing my husband said to me was I hope you have a better day, and don't drink rum in the daytime. God! I never thought anyone would say those words to me. I'm only having coffee and Crystal Lite right now. Thanks again, everyone.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2015
Location: UK
Posts: 927
Hi and welcome,
After 25 years of drinking, it took until this year for me to start blacking out each and every time I drank, even though it was only ever on the sofa at home.
It scared me, and it scared me how much I was forgetting, my husband said it was like living with someone with alzeimers, I'm only 39.
I couldn't see a way out, I couldn't moderate, I couldn't taper, I couldn't stop buying the drink and guzzling it, I loved it.
I made an appointment to see my Doctor and showed him on my ipad how many units I was drinking. Within 5 weeks I had an appointment with an alcohol recovery centre at my local surgery.
2 weeks later I had a home and dry detox which was amazingly chilled and easy, no cravings at all really.
Now I'm 30 days sober. Not drinking is easier than I thought and I'm starting to feel free of that grinding monotony that was my life.
Good luck, you can change if you want to, reach out and ask for help : )))
After 25 years of drinking, it took until this year for me to start blacking out each and every time I drank, even though it was only ever on the sofa at home.
It scared me, and it scared me how much I was forgetting, my husband said it was like living with someone with alzeimers, I'm only 39.
I couldn't see a way out, I couldn't moderate, I couldn't taper, I couldn't stop buying the drink and guzzling it, I loved it.
I made an appointment to see my Doctor and showed him on my ipad how many units I was drinking. Within 5 weeks I had an appointment with an alcohol recovery centre at my local surgery.
2 weeks later I had a home and dry detox which was amazingly chilled and easy, no cravings at all really.
Now I'm 30 days sober. Not drinking is easier than I thought and I'm starting to feel free of that grinding monotony that was my life.
Good luck, you can change if you want to, reach out and ask for help : )))
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2009
Location: Florida
Posts: 77
ForeverFuzzy, I went from someone who operated under such tight control, when I said dinner was at 6:00, it was ready right at 6:00, maybe 6:05. I'm so forgetful now, I have to go through the garbage looking for clues as to what we had for dinner. There's usually a clue or two on my nightgown as I seem to have forgotten how to feed myself.
I don't want to see a doctor. I'm physically fine. I know this from my recent 5-day hospitalization. Cat scans and daily blood tests. Until that time, I was in the best shape of my life. Suddenly, I'm falling apart.
I don't want to see a doctor. I'm physically fine. I know this from my recent 5-day hospitalization. Cat scans and daily blood tests. Until that time, I was in the best shape of my life. Suddenly, I'm falling apart.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2014
Location: WI
Posts: 529
I'm very forgetful too. And, like Fuzzy, I'd wake up on my sofa at 3 a.m. and wonder what the he!! had happened. Sometimes the TV would be on and I'd have no idea what I'd been watching when I blacked out. I wouldn't remember any of the "fun" I'd had while drinking. And then I'd discover a posting I'd made to Facebook and inevitably, it would be really embarrassing.
There's no point to drinking if it robs your memory and you can't remember if you had fun or not. That's the situation I was/am facing.
The way out for me is the Addictive Voice Recognition Technique, the key to Rational Recovery. I decided not to drink ever again, and I decided to be in control of the craving ("the beast", as it were).
We're here for ya!
There's no point to drinking if it robs your memory and you can't remember if you had fun or not. That's the situation I was/am facing.
The way out for me is the Addictive Voice Recognition Technique, the key to Rational Recovery. I decided not to drink ever again, and I decided to be in control of the craving ("the beast", as it were).
We're here for ya!
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Ireland
Posts: 25,826
For me things didn't start to get better until I stopped drinking completely.
Continuing to drink Susan is simply fuelling the fire that is slowly progressing and causing the problems in your life.
It doesn't have to be this way though, you can draw a line in the sand, and say no more, say goodbye to alcohol and reclaim your life, write the next chapter to your life without alcohol!!
You can do this!!
Continuing to drink Susan is simply fuelling the fire that is slowly progressing and causing the problems in your life.
It doesn't have to be this way though, you can draw a line in the sand, and say no more, say goodbye to alcohol and reclaim your life, write the next chapter to your life without alcohol!!
You can do this!!
Member
Join Date: Jun 2015
Location: UK
Posts: 927
Yes I was posting things online I had no idea I'd done, deleting them as soon as I saw them hoping no one else had.
But also at work I was making stupid mistakes and I started losing things around the house on a regular basis, for a while I was scared I had "wet brain".
I'm doing a 3 session alcohol information type course as a follow up to my detox and yesterday it talked about 6 areas of the brain that are affected when you drink. The bit about the hippocampus and memory was frightening. I don't know if I've done myself permanent damage but I know I'm functioning better already.
Susan I know you don't want to go to your Dr, I was fine physically, they were shocked by how "well" I was still functioning with 120 units a week being sunk despite working, taking care of kids, cooking meals, attending committee meetings! We alcoholics are bloody minded and keep going no matter what, or I did anyway!
I just wanted someone to put a brick wall in front of me to stop me and doing the Dr / medical route did that for me. On my own I just kept back tracking, kidding myself, lying to myself, my autopilot / AV just bought the alcohol every day and I was drinking it without a 2nd thought, it really did feel like I'd been taken over. I'd lost control.
I'm not saying I don't miss it, I still think about it, sometimes lovingly, but I'm not going near it anytime soon...
1 was torture, all I ever wanted was more, more, more...
But also at work I was making stupid mistakes and I started losing things around the house on a regular basis, for a while I was scared I had "wet brain".
I'm doing a 3 session alcohol information type course as a follow up to my detox and yesterday it talked about 6 areas of the brain that are affected when you drink. The bit about the hippocampus and memory was frightening. I don't know if I've done myself permanent damage but I know I'm functioning better already.
Susan I know you don't want to go to your Dr, I was fine physically, they were shocked by how "well" I was still functioning with 120 units a week being sunk despite working, taking care of kids, cooking meals, attending committee meetings! We alcoholics are bloody minded and keep going no matter what, or I did anyway!
I just wanted someone to put a brick wall in front of me to stop me and doing the Dr / medical route did that for me. On my own I just kept back tracking, kidding myself, lying to myself, my autopilot / AV just bought the alcohol every day and I was drinking it without a 2nd thought, it really did feel like I'd been taken over. I'd lost control.
I'm not saying I don't miss it, I still think about it, sometimes lovingly, but I'm not going near it anytime soon...
1 was torture, all I ever wanted was more, more, more...
Adventurer
Join Date: Feb 2015
Location: Tuxedo Park, NY
Posts: 1,101
It is rough coming to a mental crossroad where we start to wonder if we have a problem or are gasp "alcoholics ". I know I had a hard time with it. I knew I had a problem 10 years ago but it wasn't until 9 months ago I finally came to terms that I am indeed an alcoholic. I kept telling myself I could moderate or handle the situation. Alcohol was a good time I thought, I don't want to stop. Slowly is just kept getting worse and not better. Finally this January I quit for good and the past nine months while a struggle at times have been great. I wish I could have the last decade back, but I can't. I am just happy I have the knowledge now that without the booze life is that much better.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2014
Location: WI
Posts: 529
I'm sure I've burned out large hunks of my brain. I've become forgetful of names, tasks I've been assigned, or where I've put stuff. I'm in a minor panic right now because I misplaced my sunglasses.
I'm hoping I can create links in my brain to make up for some of the damage I've done over the decades.
I'm hoping I can create links in my brain to make up for some of the damage I've done over the decades.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2015
Posts: 561
Susan and forever fuzzy.....I know this is in another thread or somewhere online....I searched and couldn't find it.
Recent research finds that even long term alcoholics can recover almost all brain function
The academic research article was so encouraging! !! It's fascinating how are bodies are made to regenerate. Our creator made us to recover from so much. There's always hope as long as there's breath.
Recent research finds that even long term alcoholics can recover almost all brain function
The academic research article was so encouraging! !! It's fascinating how are bodies are made to regenerate. Our creator made us to recover from so much. There's always hope as long as there's breath.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2015
Location: America
Posts: 4,136
Originally Posted by SusanE 
Thank you for having me back after so many years. I was the one who drank nothing during the week, two glasses of wine on Sunday, and whatever she wanted on Friday and Saturday. I'd give anything to go back to being her. I've had long periods of sobriety, good and bad times, a couple of bad falls and too many black outs to shake a stick at. I wouldn't bore or bug you with all this, but something new is happening.
My sons moved out of home, and I had a serious illness (nothing to do with alcohol.) Before that, I was enjoying life, exercising much of the day, and having two small drinks with my husband before dinner. Then, post-op, I was alone all day and, when my husband came home, I was ready for a few drinks. Some days, I had hangovers and let myself have a single drink for lunch. Until recently, I could count those days on one hand.
I used to tell my husband that drinking in the daytime would be the ultimate fail
, unless we went out for lunch. Guess what? How about drinking for breakfast? Anything wrong with a Bloody, an eye-opener?
Yesterday, my husband came to pick me up for an important appointment. He canceled it because he didn't want me to embarrass myself. Shame, shame, shame. I came here today because I'm sick of lying. Lying to my dentist, my neighbors, my doctors and I need to tell some truth. Also, I was hoping you could keep me away from that Bloody Mary. What's happening to me ?
My sons moved out of home, and I had a serious illness (nothing to do with alcohol.) Before that, I was enjoying life, exercising much of the day, and having two small drinks with my husband before dinner. Then, post-op, I was alone all day and, when my husband came home, I was ready for a few drinks. Some days, I had hangovers and let myself have a single drink for lunch. Until recently, I could count those days on one hand.
I used to tell my husband that drinking in the daytime would be the ultimate fail
, unless we went out for lunch. Guess what? How about drinking for breakfast? Anything wrong with a Bloody, an eye-opener?
Yesterday, my husband came to pick me up for an important appointment. He canceled it because he didn't want me to embarrass myself. Shame, shame, shame. I came here today because I'm sick of lying. Lying to my dentist, my neighbors, my doctors and I need to tell some truth. Also, I was hoping you could keep me away from that Bloody Mary. What's happening to me ?
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