How soon is now...
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2015
Location: Purgatory
Posts: 42
How soon is now...
Alcohol ruins everything...in my life.
Alcohol has the Mida's touch in reverse....in my life. I drink and everything turns to sh1te.
I'm here because I wish to quit drinking permanently. I wish to remain sober permanently. I want to look back on the date Monday 5th of October as the date that I finally put this black dog to death.
I'm sick in bed having not gone to work today. I've managed to eat a banana. I won't go tomorrow having already informed them. Maybe I'll be physically okay but I'm not sure how much this dark cloud will have lifted.
All of my goals pushed to the side. The momentum of accumalted energy and and compounding effects of daily positive goal contributing brought to a vicious halt like being hit by high speed train.
I had not drank since a couple of months. The frustrating thing is that my life is now defined by this pattern. If I added up all of the sober time that I accumalated over the years-I've been drinking since about 16 and I'm now 38 (I do have vague memories of sampling the parents' bottles of liquor before that) - I would have at least 5 years. But it's all been stop and start. I'v e managed 8 or 9 months straight...about 10 years ago.
I got arrested at 17....that should have been a sign that me and alcohol did not mix. I drank more stressed out that I would receive a custodial sentence. Dreaming of it. Then got arrested again. That was a difficult cycle to get out of. Jesus when I think about it....I've not really managed to get out of that cycle....I've been arrested in five different countries. That's mental. I last got arrested because of drinking well over a year ago. For what exactly I'm not sure. I arrived in a foreign country tired and hungry and started to drink whiskey. I went out looking for "mischief" what ever that means. I remember a barman gave me a coctail (I asked him to invent one or give me one of his choice) and he gave me some coctail that was lethal (I think he was having a laugh at the drunken Man's expense). All I remember was being completely paranoid thinking there was somebody out to get me. I thought the police were trying to get me and kill me. I got arrested and the managed to pull up a warrant from six years previous. Apparently I managed criminal damage and an assault on a police.
I wasn't really planning on bringing all that up, but it's what's come out. I've never been arrested sober. Never. Also a possible problem is when these things happen....the incidents with alcohol....I now try to fix the situation (before I would drink because of problems but not now). I fix the situation and I get back to working on my life and my goals....while I'm back to improving my life there's almost then a denial that the incident happened. Almost like "did that really happen?"
There is such a disconnect to the person I am with the person I become while drunk that it's often hard to relate that it was the same person. I think this is creating a subtle denial and possibley I'm mentally sweeping under the carpet all of these incidents.
I think the last 10 years because of the periods of trying to quit, I've turned into a binge drinker. The binges may last all weekend, a few weeks or all summer depending.
There are a couple of things that are certain when I drink:
Bad things happen
I regret drinking
It's annoyingly saddening that I seem to change my mind after a few months and I wish i could stop that. Why did I change my mind? this has been coming the last few weeks.....I was changing flats and it became stressful and very tiring....I made the mistake of not exercising (exercise is my foundation...it keeps me positive) and I was not eating well. I went into a low mood but I was trying not to let it show....more than one person had said to me "is everything all right?" so i suppose I was letting it show. A supposed friend of mine...I asked him would he give me a hand moving.....to my surprise he said he was busy...which is bs as he is currently between jobs. I think I let this bother me......well, bother me.....I was contemplating terminating the friendship as this was just another thing in a long list.....I dwelled over it and know I wish I had of listened to my gut......I was fading him to black but he contacted me to invite me to his birthday lunch on the Sunday and we ended up going out on Friday. this is the thing.....I still go out for the social aspect but it doesn't bother me to not to drink. Normally, the majority of people don't say anything and I normally couldn't care less if anybody did say anything...I usually think they are an idiot for mentioning it. However, my so called friend decided to bring it up on Frida when we went out....I'd drank a tonic water with lemon and lime and then we went to another place he ordered beer and I wanted water....he decided to make a comment "you going to continue to drink ****** drinks all night?" It took me by surprise as we've been out before without me drinking. I initially brushed it off but I obviously let it bother me as later I drank. The binge would last until Sunday night and I ended up missing his birthday lunch, getting my phone robbed, taking coke with a degenerate bum who managed to suck a lot of cash from me, making an ass of myself in several cafe bars. And other debauchery behaviour that I won't mention.
It's been an awful binge and I feel terribly sad becuase of it. The thing is it will be easy enough for me to pick myself back up....granted some days of depression....but then why do I change my mind?
Granted I can see now the signs. Some things happen....I let other people affect me...my mood drops.....then the wine...then hell. Last Christmas I went home to stay with family. The problem theres is that they are very negative and they seem to suck the energy from me. My mother especially is a really negative person and she just repeats the same things. Obsessed with telling me every detail of her day...what time the bus was suppose to arrive, what time it actually came, if there was many people on it, how quickly the driver took....
Jesus Christ woman.....ask me something about my life instead of rabbiting on about nothing. Anyway I had about 4 months sober going back, stayed sober for Chistmas but came back to where I live in a very dark mood. Again exercise, I didn't exercise over Christmas. I drank at the end of January which would start another stop start stop start period.
I'm sick of it now. Sick of this stop start. I think one of my reasons for alcohol consumption....over consumption came from social anxiety and loneliness. Anxiety in social situations tended to make me drink more quickly. The loneliness comes from a feeling of not been loved as a child (I try to leave the past behind but how does one go about feeling that hole) and a feeling of disconnect from the world and a loss of/failure to find intimacy. Both of these are driving factors. the social anxiety I've made huge gains in fixing the last few years by being more social sober...ie joining groups in mostly sober settings, but the loneliness/feeling of disconnect is a killer at times...
I must overcome this, I simply don't have the energy for dealing with it anymore.
"There's a club if you'd like to go
you could meet somebody who might even like you
so you go, and you stand on your own
and you leave on your own
and you go home, and you cry
and you want to die" The Smiths
Alcohol has the Mida's touch in reverse....in my life. I drink and everything turns to sh1te.
I'm here because I wish to quit drinking permanently. I wish to remain sober permanently. I want to look back on the date Monday 5th of October as the date that I finally put this black dog to death.
I'm sick in bed having not gone to work today. I've managed to eat a banana. I won't go tomorrow having already informed them. Maybe I'll be physically okay but I'm not sure how much this dark cloud will have lifted.
All of my goals pushed to the side. The momentum of accumalted energy and and compounding effects of daily positive goal contributing brought to a vicious halt like being hit by high speed train.
I had not drank since a couple of months. The frustrating thing is that my life is now defined by this pattern. If I added up all of the sober time that I accumalated over the years-I've been drinking since about 16 and I'm now 38 (I do have vague memories of sampling the parents' bottles of liquor before that) - I would have at least 5 years. But it's all been stop and start. I'v e managed 8 or 9 months straight...about 10 years ago.
I got arrested at 17....that should have been a sign that me and alcohol did not mix. I drank more stressed out that I would receive a custodial sentence. Dreaming of it. Then got arrested again. That was a difficult cycle to get out of. Jesus when I think about it....I've not really managed to get out of that cycle....I've been arrested in five different countries. That's mental. I last got arrested because of drinking well over a year ago. For what exactly I'm not sure. I arrived in a foreign country tired and hungry and started to drink whiskey. I went out looking for "mischief" what ever that means. I remember a barman gave me a coctail (I asked him to invent one or give me one of his choice) and he gave me some coctail that was lethal (I think he was having a laugh at the drunken Man's expense). All I remember was being completely paranoid thinking there was somebody out to get me. I thought the police were trying to get me and kill me. I got arrested and the managed to pull up a warrant from six years previous. Apparently I managed criminal damage and an assault on a police.
I wasn't really planning on bringing all that up, but it's what's come out. I've never been arrested sober. Never. Also a possible problem is when these things happen....the incidents with alcohol....I now try to fix the situation (before I would drink because of problems but not now). I fix the situation and I get back to working on my life and my goals....while I'm back to improving my life there's almost then a denial that the incident happened. Almost like "did that really happen?"
There is such a disconnect to the person I am with the person I become while drunk that it's often hard to relate that it was the same person. I think this is creating a subtle denial and possibley I'm mentally sweeping under the carpet all of these incidents.
I think the last 10 years because of the periods of trying to quit, I've turned into a binge drinker. The binges may last all weekend, a few weeks or all summer depending.
There are a couple of things that are certain when I drink:
Bad things happen
I regret drinking
It's annoyingly saddening that I seem to change my mind after a few months and I wish i could stop that. Why did I change my mind? this has been coming the last few weeks.....I was changing flats and it became stressful and very tiring....I made the mistake of not exercising (exercise is my foundation...it keeps me positive) and I was not eating well. I went into a low mood but I was trying not to let it show....more than one person had said to me "is everything all right?" so i suppose I was letting it show. A supposed friend of mine...I asked him would he give me a hand moving.....to my surprise he said he was busy...which is bs as he is currently between jobs. I think I let this bother me......well, bother me.....I was contemplating terminating the friendship as this was just another thing in a long list.....I dwelled over it and know I wish I had of listened to my gut......I was fading him to black but he contacted me to invite me to his birthday lunch on the Sunday and we ended up going out on Friday. this is the thing.....I still go out for the social aspect but it doesn't bother me to not to drink. Normally, the majority of people don't say anything and I normally couldn't care less if anybody did say anything...I usually think they are an idiot for mentioning it. However, my so called friend decided to bring it up on Frida when we went out....I'd drank a tonic water with lemon and lime and then we went to another place he ordered beer and I wanted water....he decided to make a comment "you going to continue to drink ****** drinks all night?" It took me by surprise as we've been out before without me drinking. I initially brushed it off but I obviously let it bother me as later I drank. The binge would last until Sunday night and I ended up missing his birthday lunch, getting my phone robbed, taking coke with a degenerate bum who managed to suck a lot of cash from me, making an ass of myself in several cafe bars. And other debauchery behaviour that I won't mention.
It's been an awful binge and I feel terribly sad becuase of it. The thing is it will be easy enough for me to pick myself back up....granted some days of depression....but then why do I change my mind?
Granted I can see now the signs. Some things happen....I let other people affect me...my mood drops.....then the wine...then hell. Last Christmas I went home to stay with family. The problem theres is that they are very negative and they seem to suck the energy from me. My mother especially is a really negative person and she just repeats the same things. Obsessed with telling me every detail of her day...what time the bus was suppose to arrive, what time it actually came, if there was many people on it, how quickly the driver took....
Jesus Christ woman.....ask me something about my life instead of rabbiting on about nothing. Anyway I had about 4 months sober going back, stayed sober for Chistmas but came back to where I live in a very dark mood. Again exercise, I didn't exercise over Christmas. I drank at the end of January which would start another stop start stop start period.
I'm sick of it now. Sick of this stop start. I think one of my reasons for alcohol consumption....over consumption came from social anxiety and loneliness. Anxiety in social situations tended to make me drink more quickly. The loneliness comes from a feeling of not been loved as a child (I try to leave the past behind but how does one go about feeling that hole) and a feeling of disconnect from the world and a loss of/failure to find intimacy. Both of these are driving factors. the social anxiety I've made huge gains in fixing the last few years by being more social sober...ie joining groups in mostly sober settings, but the loneliness/feeling of disconnect is a killer at times...
I must overcome this, I simply don't have the energy for dealing with it anymore.
"There's a club if you'd like to go
you could meet somebody who might even like you
so you go, and you stand on your own
and you leave on your own
and you go home, and you cry
and you want to die" The Smiths
Member
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: East Coast USA
Posts: 120,870
Welcome to SR, Al; glad you found us.
Take a look around the site; there's an abundance information and helpful tips.
You might want to consider joining a Class. I'll post a link to the class of October 2015 in a moment.
Take a look around the site; there's an abundance information and helpful tips.
You might want to consider joining a Class. I'll post a link to the class of October 2015 in a moment.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: East Coast USA
Posts: 120,870
Guest
Join Date: Jun 2015
Location: Botswana
Posts: 384
Hello. And welcome.
You know what? It's ok. And you are going to be fine.
Totally in tune with your references to your mother and The Smiths.
I could have wrote exactly what you do when I wad 38. Except I didnt because - unlike you - I was in denial.
I'm 48 now and 120 days sober thanks entirely to this site.
Stay close, post often and be well.
Fradley
You know what? It's ok. And you are going to be fine.
Totally in tune with your references to your mother and The Smiths.
I could have wrote exactly what you do when I wad 38. Except I didnt because - unlike you - I was in denial.
I'm 48 now and 120 days sober thanks entirely to this site.
Stay close, post often and be well.
Fradley
Member
Join Date: Jan 2014
Posts: 8,637
fantastic first post!!!
You and I are pretty alike, we couple-a boozehounds....
"I didn't always get in trouble when I drank.... but every time I got in trouble (or caused trouble, or troubled others) - I'd been drinking".
Drink=Trouble.... My old-school sponsor told me to write that on the bottom of my shoes.... one "drink", the other "trouble".... so that every step I took I'd be reminding myself the simple formula of me.... DRINK=TROUBLE.... DRINK=TROUBLE......
You're on the right track, coming here, sharing here, stating that you wish to be sober.....
Now comes the trickier part; honoring that.
But good news!!! It's really not all that tricky at all. Just for today - remember that DRINK=TROUBLE and change the equation you're gonna choose to focus on;
SOBRIETY=FREEDOM+JOY
Welcome aboard.
You and I are pretty alike, we couple-a boozehounds....
"I didn't always get in trouble when I drank.... but every time I got in trouble (or caused trouble, or troubled others) - I'd been drinking".
Drink=Trouble.... My old-school sponsor told me to write that on the bottom of my shoes.... one "drink", the other "trouble".... so that every step I took I'd be reminding myself the simple formula of me.... DRINK=TROUBLE.... DRINK=TROUBLE......
You're on the right track, coming here, sharing here, stating that you wish to be sober.....
Now comes the trickier part; honoring that.
But good news!!! It's really not all that tricky at all. Just for today - remember that DRINK=TROUBLE and change the equation you're gonna choose to focus on;
SOBRIETY=FREEDOM+JOY
Welcome aboard.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2015
Location: Purgatory
Posts: 42
Originally Posted by FreeOwl 
fantastic first post!!!
You and I are pretty alike, we couple-a boozehounds....
"I didn't always get in trouble when I drank.... but every time I got in trouble (or caused trouble, or troubled others) - I'd been drinking".
Drink=Trouble.... My old-school sponsor told me to write that on the bottom of my shoes.... one "drink", the other "trouble".... so that every step I took I'd be reminding myself the simple formula of me.... DRINK=TROUBLE.... DRINK=TROUBLE......
You're on the right track, coming here, sharing here, stating that you wish to be sober.....
Now comes the trickier part; honoring that.
But good news!!! It's really not all that tricky at all. Just for today - remember that DRINK=TROUBLE and change the equation you're gonna choose to focus on;
SOBRIETY=FREEDOM+JOY
Welcome aboard.
You and I are pretty alike, we couple-a boozehounds....
"I didn't always get in trouble when I drank.... but every time I got in trouble (or caused trouble, or troubled others) - I'd been drinking".
Drink=Trouble.... My old-school sponsor told me to write that on the bottom of my shoes.... one "drink", the other "trouble".... so that every step I took I'd be reminding myself the simple formula of me.... DRINK=TROUBLE.... DRINK=TROUBLE......
You're on the right track, coming here, sharing here, stating that you wish to be sober.....
Now comes the trickier part; honoring that.
But good news!!! It's really not all that tricky at all. Just for today - remember that DRINK=TROUBLE and change the equation you're gonna choose to focus on;
SOBRIETY=FREEDOM+JOY
Welcome aboard.
it is time to NLP my brain.
I've passed the 24 hour mark and have barely got out of bed. What a mess. This is no way to live.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2014
Location: London
Posts: 172
I could have wrote that myself the arrests the binge drinking the debauchery the mum who only talks about herself. I too have had months of sobriety only to forget, but it's not as simple as just forgetting why I don't drink it's the cravings that cause relapse. Addiction is a disease of choice. I am now trying to practice mindfulness in order to overcome the cravings.
Good luck
Good luck
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2015
Location: Purgatory
Posts: 42
Day 2 depression
I still have not got out of bed yet. i'll have to return to work tomorrow and that's going to be fun trying to make up the two days missed. what a precarious position. I feel I could easily stay in bed for the whole week...wallowing. But the sooner I get on with things the better.
I just recently moved flat and I think I made a mistake with the flat. i'm having buyers remorse....but luckily I'm only renting. I think I don't like it.
You know speaking of depression....it's possible I'm manic depressive or bipolar or something, but I'm able to handle things generally well when sober....but alcohol is a serious trigger for the madness to come out and the depression to gently stir to the surface...
i don't even like alcohol!!! Well maybe I did in my twenties....maybe....but I certainly don't 'like' it now. Which makes the fact of that previous binge even more stupid.
It's time for a life detox.....time to get my house in order...
I still have not got out of bed yet. i'll have to return to work tomorrow and that's going to be fun trying to make up the two days missed. what a precarious position. I feel I could easily stay in bed for the whole week...wallowing. But the sooner I get on with things the better.
I just recently moved flat and I think I made a mistake with the flat. i'm having buyers remorse....but luckily I'm only renting. I think I don't like it.
You know speaking of depression....it's possible I'm manic depressive or bipolar or something, but I'm able to handle things generally well when sober....but alcohol is a serious trigger for the madness to come out and the depression to gently stir to the surface...
i don't even like alcohol!!! Well maybe I did in my twenties....maybe....but I certainly don't 'like' it now. Which makes the fact of that previous binge even more stupid.
It's time for a life detox.....time to get my house in order...
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Lakeside, Ca
Posts: 10,208
Originally Posted by AlHowSoonisNow
I've made huge gains in fixing the last few years by being more social sober...ie joining groups in mostly sober settings, but the loneliness/feeling of disconnect is a killer at times...
the right moral things -- for most pays off well in the end.
Perseverance seems to be the key.
MM
Guest
Join Date: Jun 2015
Location: Botswana
Posts: 384
Well done on getting to day two, Al.
Do whatever it takes to just not drink today - literally allow yourself to do anything else - then be grateful for not waking up with a hangover tomorrow.
Post here as often as you like, especially when the cravings come. Someone who understand will be right back for you.
Rinse and repeat . You will be fine.
Do whatever it takes to just not drink today - literally allow yourself to do anything else - then be grateful for not waking up with a hangover tomorrow.
Post here as often as you like, especially when the cravings come. Someone who understand will be right back for you.
Rinse and repeat . You will be fine.
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