FreeOwl

Well... it's been a long week-plus but I have managed to survive (sober) a wonderful trip to the Isle of Skye, a wedding in the highlands that was booze-soaked and whiskey-coated, being delayed and then stranded for two days in Amsterdam due to fog that cancelled hundreds of flights, a lost bag so that we had only our dirty clothing and missing most of our toiletries.....

Through it all, I did not drink and I feel empowered and free for it.

That said, I want to talk a little bit about the wedding itself. I went through some struggles during the wedding and the reception / dinner. It was a small affair - about 25 close friends and family had traveled from the US to attend this event. So after the ceremony, we all gathered around in a large farmhouse for dinner. Beer, whiskey, wine, champagne all a-flowing.... I felt really out of place. I was the only person NOT drinking and there were a lot of people drinking a LOT.

My lady had a beer and a couple glasses of wine throughout the day.... and there was a loud, somewhat-obnoxious, heavy-drinking fellow there that commanded lots of attention, as drinkers do. He was also somewhat amusing.... but annoying at the same time. My Lady and Lad enjoyed him - as do many people when a loud, somewhat-obnoxious and somewhat amusing guy is around for a limited time.

Both Lady and Lad commented that it would sure be annoying to be around him for long....

BUT.... between the attention they both gave him and the looking around at all the others merrily drinking..... despite the obvious hangovers still left from the previous days, despite the stories at our end of the table from fellow attendees about urinating on their television in a blackout... despite the obvious impairments I witnessed in others - I was taken by a really lousy feeling. I felt somehow left-out. I felt somehow lesser-than. I felt jealous of that obnoxious and somewhat funny guy. I felt like my Lady and my Lad were focused on him more than on me. I felt like I wasn't good enough. I felt like I was the odd guy out and I felt kind of depressed amid the celebration.

I wrestled within myself and at one point even took a small amount of wine in my glass as a 'toasting glass' - didn't drink any but it sat there at my place.... so I'd feel less out of place somehow?

And that feeling has sort of haunted me. It's eased over the past few days and immediately upon leaving that surrounding, getting away from heavy drinkers and off on our own adventure together, I felt an immediate relief from it. Still, it was there. I'm not sure if this represents a weak spot in my sobriety, a ***** in my armor, a danger flag or just a relatively 'normal' experience for a person in recovery.... but whatever it is I suppose is less important than simply sharing it and getting it off my chest. I feel like I came very close to deciding to just say "screw it" and to introduce a loophole into my sobriety plan. To allow "special occasions" because of the pressure of being immersed in one. I'm grateful that I didn't, and having gone through this experience I believe has strengthened my resolve and ability to navigate such waters in the future..... but it really wasn't easy and it led to a sadness and a sense of self-deprecation that is unsettling.

This too shall pass, and already is.... but I needed to share it.

Anyway, thank you all for your help and support in advance of and during my trip. The energy of the SR community and my ability to pop in here a few times on the trip helped out for sure.

And now... BACK TO THE GRIND...... lol. Taking a week off means paying the prices when finally back to work.

Happy Monday, all!!!

saoutchik

The thing is that now you and your immediate family are probably the only people who have meaningful memories of the event. I hope for their sake the bride and groom didn't get too bad.

I remember a similar thing at a friend of my then wife's wedding (I offered to drive) It did make me feel quite grumpy and I wasn't even an alcoholic at the time.

You did well to get through that as well as everything else FreeOwl so don't feel down.

Ohme

Thanks so much for sharing. Sober or not, I think negative emotions and feeling left out are part of the human experience, and I don't think it's a weak spot for you. If anything you made it through in the most difficult of circumstances, even when you were feeling like that, even when everyone else was, even when there was some in a cup just for you, you still stayed sober.

JD

Definitely no weakness that I see. All the feelings you had are normal. Longily missing an old friend is normal. Even if that old friend mistreated you every chance it got. You did a great job resisting the temptations.

biminiblue

Well done.

Thanks for posting. You know you are a protected child of God, and you have been given Super Powers for a reason, right?

FreeOwl

I do know that....

Though I'm still trying to understand the reason so I can live it more fully....

biminiblue

Leshar

Thanks so much for posting this. Well done on your resolve and staying true in difficult circumstances. I have a family wedding coming up. My siblings are big drinkers and I've been sort of marginalized by them since stopping drinking. I don't know if I can go to the wedding. I'm two years sober and very depressed. I'm afraid I might just throw in the towel under pressure. But you didn't. I'm glad you showed that it's hard, I guess I'm worried about this. My brother is like that guy you mentioned. Commands a lot of attention, but drinks heavily. But he's so popular! Meanwhile I'm the quiet, boring one, where I used to be funny and witty when drinking. Shucks, sorry. Well done and thanks for posting.

FreeOwl

it was hard... and it IS hard.

it's hard to see positive reinforcement for the drunken-funny-obnoxious guy.

Sure, my Lady and my Lad both made comments about how he'd be 'hard to take all the time'. And they noted several times how they felt bad for his girlfriend / fiancee - who continually made eyerolls at him and occasionally flipped him the bird for his behavior.

Yet - those comments aside, they clearly were entertained by him. He took the limelight and it was a source of some at-times-intense jealousy to see my Lady obviously sort of captivated by another man. I'm old enough, mature enough, understanding enough to see that there wasn't nefarious intent to it. My lady went to bed with me, home with me, loves me, appreciates me, wasn't 'flirting'.... but still, there my own loved ones are - captivated by the entertaining half-drunk guy.

In the face of that sort of reality, it really does trigger a sense of not being 'good enough' and it takes a conscious effort to let go, to not get sucked into the poor-me messages, to step back and look at a bigger picture. I've BEEN that funny, obnoxious, half-drunk guy. Sure, everyone "loved" me - for the entertainment value. But, I know what my life was like inside then. I know how my wife at the time really felt about who I was in those situations. I know that while everyone 'loved' the funny guy who was the center of attention - none of them would really want to deal with that guy all the time....

So it takes a real focused effort - in the moment, and in the days after it, to process those feelings and to see them for what they are. To turn the situation over in my awareness and look at it from its different angles and remember that in the big picture, I'm glad for my sobriety, I am comfortable with who I am, I can hold my head high for the man I am and I don't need to let those feelings drag me down.

biminiblue

Yeah, well people slow down to look at an accident on the freeway, too. They're riveted when the cowboy gets trampled under the bull's hooves...

Humans are drawn to drama, train wrecks. It gives us an adrenalin pop. I think part of it is, "Whew, really glad I'm not him."

I used to be that gal at the party, too. Negative attention is not better than no attention. I nearly paid with my life for that kind of attention.

SoberLeigh

You did splendidly, FreeOwl; be proud of yourself.

I love weddings but, as the night draws on and people have had more and more to drink, I find myself more and more ready to head out.

I find myself feeing a little out of place as I am more aware of the sloppiness and slurred speech (and, I guess, slightly repulsed by it). Those situations are just no longer my cup of tea.

I wouldn't worry about your Lady. I have, in the past, laughed with those kind of 'entertaining' guys with absolutely no attraction whatsoever. I'm sure it was the same with your Lady.

dwtbd

Thanks for the post. I'm heading to an out of town longish weekend wedding event at the end of this week.
I'm not worried about me drinking or even the temptations directly. There's comfort in knowing that there are people who know the touch of melancholy that can come from being the odd man out. The AV's stronghold , not a lingering doubt, as much as just that touch of emotion that can cause pause not in resolve , more just a reminder and an acknowledged false one at that, a chimera of 'good times' , comes with the territory eh ? Thanks for sharing, sorry for the blip in time, but great to hear the trip was overall awesome. I am currently reading How The Scots Invented the Modern World and am envious of your trip

Soberwolf

Congrats FO

PurpleKnight

Fantastic FreeOwl!!