hopeful4

I am posting from the wife's perspective. First off....much credit to you for admitting the truth. The truth shall set you free. Your actions over the course of a long period of time will determine how your wife will react. Trust must be re-established. My X cheated on me. Surprisingly, it was the alcohol, and lying all the time about it, what hurt the most. I think we could have gotten past the cheating through counseling had he been able to recover from the addiction.

It won't be easy. Your wife will get on your nerves b/c she will need constant reassurance from you that you are not drinking and not cheating. Give her 105% of what she needs b/c without it, your marriage cannot recover.

Good luck on your recovery. I think if you can overcome addiction, and be an honest and upstanding person, your marriage has a chance of survival.

Hevyn

We're glad you're here, Sindaine. When I first joined it helped me immensely to be able to open up without being judged. The pain and regret in your post is obvious. None of us sets out to hurt our loved ones or tear down our own lives. Alcohol turned me into a person I didn't even recognize. It's so hard to explain it to others. Being here will help you take care of yourself and begin to heal.

Soberwolf

Hello & welcome Sindaine

MIRecovery

I am sorry for the situation you are in. Please try to remember the foundation for everything is your sobriety. Without that nothing else is possible. The marriage may or may not survive but without your recovery there is no hope.

Sindaine

Thanks for that. If she wasn't so angry right now, and let me near her, I'd do all of those things. I'd show her the love, and never give her a reason not to trust me again.

Thanks again for the replies, you all are great. It is a huge relief to get all of this out there.

Rar

Welcome to SR Sindaine. I am so sorry you are going through this difficult time in your marriage. ((HUGS)) Stay close to SR - read and post often.

teatreeoil007

Welcome to the board. You are in a good place. The advice that's been given so far is fabulous, so I say, "Right on" to it all.

There is a REASON for everyone's behavior. A pediatric ICU nurse told me that once and it really stuck! There is a reason that person is spouting off, there is reason that person is crying, there is reason that person seems distant, there is a reason that person won't talk to me, there is a reason that other person won't leave me alone, there is a why people are "driven". There is a reason some people are called to cops and others are called to be teachers and yet others called to judges and the list goes on. Every single behavior has a reason.

So, when I look at someone and see how they act and what they do and what they talk about and their behavior is out line, I look underneath all that and usually see the reason WHY.

There is a reason why you had affairs and why you drank and also why you lied.

Got to get to the heart of the WHY...and that can ONLY happen with honesty.

You've taken that first CRUCIAL step of honesty with yourself and with you wife. I'm sure she doesn't condemn you. Yes, of course she's been hurt. Of course she may have reached a point where she couldn't take it anymore. But, it's likely she already had inclinations about the affairs and she already knows the reason's behind it.

AND, she knows that it is her you really love and don't want to lose.

So, it all starts with honesty and, honesty must be PRACTICED each and every day in order to beat this thing.

There is a reason for it ALL. If people could just learn the lessons along the way and be teachable and have forgiving spirits healing can occur.

Now, to be totally honest, I haven't always been honest...in fact, I yet to meet one person who totally 100% honest...I take that back: I think Jesus Christ is maybe the only one who walked the face of the earth who was 100% honest. I made a vow to myself many years ago that I wanted to be honest and I felt I needed to work on being honest. When I am not honest, which of course there are times when I am NOT, my conscience is stirred and I don't like that feeling.

Being honest is a daily battle for me, but it's the only way I can stay sober-is to be in touch with the TRUTH.

Healing is an amazing and very possible thing. Rebuilding is possible. It has to be done very carefully, true, but it's also good to GIVE YOURSELF A BREAK and don't be too hard on yourself. You are a good person at your core. It's your behaviors that have given you so much trouble.

We've all made mistakes. We all have regrets. You are not alone.

teatreeoil007

Amen. I second this.

You need a lot of support right now. You need to know that there is unconditional love. We know that here because when we were at the bottom we found out we were still loved and that in and of itself is a miracle.

Be Good To You.

God Bless

Berrybean

Sorry to hear where you and your wife are at right now.

Good luck with the AA malarkey. It really helped me with issues such as you have highlighted. Not overnight, but quite quickly considering how long I'd had the established dodgy behaviours going on. Once I'd been going for long enough and found out enough to get a sponsor and start my step work, then I started to notice some amazing changes in my perception; my understanding; and my approach to things. I started seeing past experiences differently, and with a better understanding of how to move forward. I started to notice how much I objectified people, and entered into relationships with an agenda of wants and needs. In short, I realised that at 42 I was still acting like a selfish, spoilt child, but my playground toys were relationships; alcohol; shopping and the like. Seeking out instant gratification every time, and quickly tiring of people and things once I'd got them.

It sounds like you may have found your rock bottom. Hopefully, now, the only way is up, and you can gain sobriety, work on your recovery, and become someone that you are happy to be so that you can lose the shame; anxiety; and fear and find freedom and serenity.

Wishing you (and your wife) well with your sober recovery.

teatreeoil007

Great post dear beccybean.

You will find zero condemnation here and a whole lot of empowerment.
And it is completely confidential but what you wish to share.

Don't go away. We won't go away or leave you stranded, 'k? Ain't gonna happen, friend!

You've got this. Well, we've got this. We're in this together, really, and maybe just knowing that is what makes it so powerful.

yeahtoast

I will be keeping you in my thoughts Sindaine.

Jsbodhi

Maybe just try to give her a little space, don't get in her face trying to apologize and explain, just let her breathe a bit.
I know its tempting to try and make things better, but when my ex cheated on me -his pathetic apologies and slinking around all pathetic drove me crazy, I wanted to smother his face with a pillow in his sleep.
On the other hand I've been the cheater(drunken) and I've been desperate to make things right and became a pest with my apologies and begging.
((((Hug))))

Saskia

Welcome, Sindaine! Addiction makes liars out of most or even all of us. People close to us need lots of time to learn to trust us again. You have made a good start with your post here. Now the hard work begins. Above all, remember that this is a physical addiction.

If you are interested in what I believe is a really good video explaining how addiction works, I highly recommend one called "Pleasure Unwoven ...". It's sold by a major online retailer for about $30. In my intensive outpatient program they showed this to us and I decided I wanted a copy to watch whenever I wanted to. It is also good for educating people close to us.

tomsteve

sindaine, im glad yer here and acknowledging the wreckage.
happened to me the day after my last drunk. no more denial. i was looking at all of the wreckage i created over the years-wreckage i tried very hard to hide and/or forget with alcohol. it was quite a crapton kf wreckage and i never hated myself more than i did that day.
and finally admitted alcohol was the common denominator in all of it.
and found myself in aa 2 days later.
by working the program the wreckage of my past has been swept away. it took a lot of time and footwork at changing me, but all that wrdckage is gone. no longer haunts me.
and the program of aa has given me a whole lot more than that. many,many blessings i have rsceived as a result of working the steps and practicing the principles.
you may want to search the www fkr "big book online" and read the first 164
pages. the big book is the book aa uses as the ouline of action to recover from alcoholism.

if you want to show your wife love today, do so by giving her her space

and if you wa t to show yourself love, work at getting a d staying sober for you.

youre worth it.

thomas11

Welcome Sindaine, you've shared some things that understandably make you feel pretty bad about yourself. I will try to bring some things that I see are positive to this. First, you've taken some action by joining this site and seeing a counselor. Second, you feel like sh*t, and that's good. You should feel bad because if you didn't, there would be something wrong with you. Lastly, what you did was the alcoholic in you, not you. Alcoholics are not themselves while under the influence, thus the problem, right? So, with sobriety the real you will have a chance to flourish and as the old saying goes, time heals almost everything. Wish you the best.

Sindaine

Thanks to everyone to who replied.

But to Jsbodhi, you nailed it. That's exactly what I've been doing. She doesn't want to be in the room with me so I avoid everything. I've been reading a book that helps me focus on making ME better and less on her. I'll have to take it carefully, so I don't come across as a jerk, but I think it might help.
Some of the things it recommends is for example, to just start exercising. I have some P90X videos I could do in the living room and focus on that, and don't let her anger bother me.
Focus on hanging out with the kids. Go for a walk, go to AA (Wednesday).

The book I've been reading is "No More Mr Nice Guy" which so far has really hit home with my behaviors over the years, not even just the alcohol. Though I'm kidding myself when I think the alcohol started getting bad 5 years ago. I used to think it was cool that I drank at 13, and I was even warned a few times that there were signs. Ignored it all. But hindsight is 20/20 right?

I don't want to be all in her face, I do want to give her the space she needs. I need to get this feeling out of my chest, this feeling that I can do something. My head knows that there's nothing I can do right now but focus on me, but man, my heart aches for her.

The realization that I caused all of this. The fact that if I hadn't woken up three weeks ago, I might not have even noticed her leaving.

I've had thoughts of suicide, but I don't feel like I would do it. I don't think I could do that to my kids. And based on what I'm learning about myself, I'm probably just using that as a manipulation tactic.

Thanks everyone for listening. It helps.. I don't feel like I have anyone else in the world to talk to about these things.

teatreeoil007

My first drink was at age 14 and after I drank a little bit and got to feelin' good I had my first come to Jesus talk which totally transformed my life. There are just those come to Jesus moments throughout life and those are usually very profound...

wpainterw

Sindaine:
Right now, understandably, you are preoccupied with the past. The past is passed and you have not been "yourself" because of alcohol. You can regain "yourself" and hopefully renew the confidence your wife and others placed on you. As has been said, however, do it for yourself primarily. That's the way it works. It's "you" that you're trying to recover. If you succeed in doing that then the rest hopefully will follow. Develop a plan, visit an independent counselor if necessary (joint counseling could come later), seek the help of other recovering alcoholics, groups such as AA or Smart Recovery, physicians for your health issues. Good luck and every good wish.

W.

Roxyblues

If you are an alcoholic, you are no where near the point of making healthy and properly timed amends. An alcoholic needs to work closely with a soonsor or otgers before apologizing for harms caused to others. Otherwise, our selfish nature may attempt to make amends for our own internal selfish motivations that do nothing but cause more harm to those whom we have wronged in the first place.

An alcoholic is a self centered tornado that devestates everything around us. This devestation and the consequences of drinking can usually be the motivating factor that results in a level of desperation sufficient to cause one to surrender and a willingness to change everything about us.

The drink is not the problem. The underlying alcoholism is. One, however, has to totally abstain from all mood altering substances to treat the underlying problem that makes an alcoholic's life doomed for failure and misery.

If you are an alcoholic, there is a solution. I have tried everything possible and had the resources to try everythi g possible since the early 80s to either stop or control my drinking and nothing, and I mean NOTHING, works except AA and the steps.

One has to have hit that desparate level of surrender and be absolutely willing to do what ever it takes to not drink and get better. 30 days in Tibbet, Thai moneataries, church, mens group, sweat lodges, the best in/out patient trauma work, alternative in/out out patient treatment and etc did not work.

Wife, no wife. Job, no job. None of that matters. Stopping to get a wife back or get stuff we lost back won't work. The only thing that works is the realization that we are doomed for failure AND death and we don't want to live another day like this no matter what happens in our life.

It is always darkest before the dawn. The good news for the alcoholic is that if an alcoholic has truly reached that deep state of surrender necessary to do what ever it takes to sto drinking, the steps of AA and working with a sponsor can completely change one's life.

My suggestion is stop hurting others to relieve yourself of guilt, go to rehab (best resources for family of an alcoholic) and focus on yourself and your disease.

Soberwolf

Wishing you the best Sidaine