D122y

Went to another AA meeting...some people suffering w such strong magnatism towards alcohol. I don't have that at all.

Crying, shaking, jobless, lost everything...they are freaking out...losing their minds...I feel sorry for those folks. I want to help them. I listen, nod, tear up, smile, pray. I do it all. I believe in the process.

They are being supported by people like them with years of sobriety under their belt. One guy w 39 years clean. Others w less, but still years clean. That is a good thing.

For me...Almost 5 months sober and getting better each day. Anxiety is fading fast.

5 months seems like a lot to some, trivial to some. To me it is just a fact. I never want any of you to say, d122y go back and read your posts, what is your plan...etc etc...never ever...

I have a deep respect for my health today. I cherish my sobriety. I deeply hate booze.

MIRecovery

One of the greatest gifts of AA is to see someone crawl in the door and a year latter be solidly on their feet having reclaimed their lives and happiness.

Newcomers are the life blood of AA because they are a mirror of where we were and can be if we take that first drink

JimC60

"Newcomers are the life blood of AA because they are a mirror of where we were and can be if we take that first drink"

MIRecovery -- that is a truism well worth repeating! Further, it applies to all of the "XX- anonymous" programs.

Jim

ScottFromWI

I was one of those "freaking out" when I first quit too. I'm so thankful to have found a way out and for those that helped me along the way, including everyone here on SR.

PurpleKnight

Fantastic post D122y!! Great job on 5 Months!!

entropy1964

Hi D122
Ok I'm going to say it.....I hope you don't get upset with me. Your posts about your experiences at AA make me feel.....weird. I'm sure this is my problem. But I've read several threads now where you are pitying the poor, helpless souls, that you are nothing alike. I mean, you are lucky and I'm glad you aren't having any problem with quitting...its great. But I almost feel like an AA meeting for you is like a trip to the zoo for me. I feel really sorry for the animals. I cry, especially when I see the primates and the big cats...they are lost, trapped, without souls. I'm so glad I'm not a zoo animal.

Ok there. I said it. I'm sorry in advance but why do I feel this way? What's wrong with ME? Maybe I hate pity....I have had that from the normies in my life....observing me and my insanity with ZERO understanding of why. I feel like a freak. I'd love not to understand alcoholics and say 'boy that sure isn't me!'. Anyway, I hope you're not angry. I guess I just don't get it.

Soberwolf

Good post

D122y

Sorry, I come across as a total jerk...I want to get well w out that happening.

I agree w you. Thanks for the honesty about my honesty.

My posts about AA are like I am watching a movie or a circus...

but...I am trying to get it.

I don't think I am a normi...I took that JH test and I was mid stage alkyl. ..1 hospital stay away from advanced....

Heres my thought flow for a meeting...Going to check out a meeting today. Going to see the drama....

For me at this time... I dont have that insatiable desire to drink....that only an AA meeting or Sponser talk down can cure....I think God took that away when I did steps 1-3? Maybe....?

But...I might change some day...so I sit there in my chair...drinking water...and listen......but...I don't want to judge....I want to be better...I want to help......

I am fighting for my life....hanging on by more than a thread these days....but..early on....2 weeks into sobriety...I was worried that when I stood up...I was going to puke, faint and soil myself...in any order...I swear to God...

Like this 65 year old guy w 7 years sober said yest. ...just keep coming through the door...

There is going to be a big wake up call for me if I relapse and end up losing everything....I am hoping this therapy/ training/feedback..e.g. from you and others w SR and AA keeps me straight and narrow....finishing each day sober.

I still have anxiety that would likely terrify a norm, but to me it is mild compared to 3 months ago...

Step 5 of the 12 steps is admitting my wrongs to others....going to AA meeting and thinking I am different is a wrong...I know it oozes out of my pores....

Thanks for the gut shot...I knew it already....but it is good to read that it reeks in my actions...working it...

Please work w me, forgive me....I have and will continue to make mistakes...

I am deeply sorry to you and all that I offend...working it....

Sincerely and w much humble respect....

biminiblue

D122y,

I didn't think you came across as arrogant. I think it sounds to me like you are just struggling in a different way than Frickaflip is. None of us think this is easy, every one of us were a few steps away from total disaster if we weren't already in the middle of total disaster.

The rooms are hard. I had a lot of angst sitting in AA meetings. I hadn't messd up anything outside of my own head, but only because I had no family, no significant other, no job, and I had money. Luckily I never got stopped driving under the influence, that is one thing I could have had happen. Luckily also, I don't appear to have any lasting physical health consequences - but who knows?

AA meetings have people who have gone further down the rabbit hole is all. It was really difficult for me to sit in meetings, and I too called it a "show," because it was so hard for me to fathom that people would let it get so bad - but also because it is a living, dynamic human drama that is different every time - and not in a bad way. I'm not saying I'm proud of saying that, and I didn't say it in meetings or around other AA members, but I am saying I understand your mindset.

I know the pain and the suffering and deep depression and serious mental illnesses in meetings was something I'll never forget - but for the grace of God, that could be me: and in all honesty I was a hot mess when I first went in, I'm sure I'm someone's bad example. I was lucky. I quit in time - and I had a very difficult time to get my head back on straight - but I "got it" and didn't have a bunch of relapses in this last 19 months. From the time I went to my first AA meeting until now, I haven't had a drink. All I had to do was get through the delusional thinking and the anxiety and depression. That's way enough.

Dee74

Congrats on 5 months D

D

entropy1964

Hey D

Thanks for not getting angry with me. Each person has their own journey, ups and downs, struggles and victories. It is great that you are learning from the low bottom drunks (or that's how they are perceived ) and choosing not to go that way.

The first time I tried to get sober was about 11 years ago, or so. AA all the way. I'm not sure what 'stage'alcoholic I would have been. Marriage, child, beautiful home in Cali., money, career, health, looks. So what would I have 'looked' like? I don't know. But I knew I was in trouble. And coming from the alcoholic, dysfunctional family that I did, I was scared. AA helped me. But I definitely didn't feel like I was one of them. I compared my insides to their outsides, and visa versa.

When I go to AA now, what do people see? A hot yoga instructor who's very fit, has a nice car, hair and nails always done, well dressed, a stickler for a nice handbag. Home, daughter, health. If they knocked on my door on a random night when I might have been on a bender, alone, crazed, drunk.....different story. I consider myself a late stage alcoholic, but What does that look like? Well, about the same as I've always looked. Oh geez I have no idea what I'm trying to say. Comparisons for me are dangerous. And I know that I've really been lucky. I haven't lost my home, daughter, health and security.....YET. Truly I just realize that there is very little difference between me and the guy standing on the corner, with a card board sign, shaking and red, begging for some money for his next drink.

My response was about my issues, not yours. You're doing great

BlueFairy

I'm the same way--I'm about 5 months now. I don't want to drink but I have all the PAWS--anxiety is my worst and something I must learn to control. I think I was lucky to have found a book that made sense to me and also made me never want to drink again. I don't know how I'd be if it weren't for Allen Carr's book. I also am curious about AA but am atheist with a little wiccan edge and am afraid even if I faked it that it would put the urge in me. I don't know how to explain it but some of the philosophies don't seem healthy to me. I'd love the face to face companionship but even then from what I've heard it's very restrictive and not really an exchange of information and support. What I'd love is if there were something in my area with no religious affiliation or aa affiliation that is just a group that meets and helps support and share with each other. It puzzles me that there is nothing. Trust me-- I've looked everywhere, there's one group that bill themselves as a secular support group but it turned out to be aa agnostica. I didn't like it and it meets on a day I always work-- sunday. We're not a small community either, the second largest city in our state.

Dee74

There's no one method that's for everyone.

Have you tried SMART Recovery or LifeRing, BlueFairy? They are meeting based, but secular and not based in any sense on the 12 steps.

While not as ubiquitous as AA, it's rare not to find at least one of the two in most big cities

D

BlueFairy

Neither one's in my area--it's a bummer.