Crete211

Good Evening All,

I am sober a little over 2 1/2 weeks as of today and have been going to a meeting every day, some times twice if my work schedule allows. I am starting to recognize people and am more and more comfortable now with sharing and opening up. (I was NOT a fan of AA at first, but it is growing on me slowly).

My question or I guess more of a statement is, twice now I have been approached by a member of a group (two different men) and they said they wanted to be my sponsor.

Now, call me old fashioned, but I was under the impression it was to be my decision with no pressure in picking a sponsor. Someone I feel comfortable with sharing my dark secrets with and someone to work my steps with. This forwardness has made me feel put off and not willing to go back to these groups.

I understand a sponsor can do so much good for someone new like me, but what good would it be if I said eff it and just picked on of these men.

So I guess my question is, is this normal behavior? It is not as if I feel threatened in any way and maybe these men need a sponsee to aide with their sobriety, but, for me, it still feels weird.

Help?

Dee74

Hi Crete

I'm not in AA, but from my reading thats the way it should work and it's perfectly normal behaviour...

I read a lot of posts here by folks upset they haven't been approached, so I think you can count yourself lucky?

D

MIRecovery

I would be willing to bet both of the men who offered to be your sponsor were older and had been sober for quite a while.

In the earlier days AA was a lot more hard core. Most people were appointed a sponsor at their first meeting whether they liked it or not. Most new comers were told to shut and listen because everyone else already knew how to be a drunk and the newcomer needed to listen how to become sober.

AAers of this vintage have a different mindset which to tell you the truth has a lot of merits although when I was in early sobriety I likely would have rebelled and not set foot in AA again.

My current sponsor comes from this generation. He came to know I was without a sponsor and announced that he was my sponsor and I said OK because I knew the individual and I knew I needed a sponsor because my last one had died of cancer the previous year.

If you want what these individuals have then I would say yes. If not keep looking

tommyinphilly

I'm a big AA guy. Choose someone who's sobriety you admire and you are comfortable with. Don't feel pressured to pick someone. Even once you have a sponsor, if you don't feel like you are getting what you need, you can get a new one

wpainterw

If you are a woman, some say it works better to get a woman sponsor. It also works well if you ask someone you particularly like and admire. On the other hand I would not necessarily reject someone just because they ask you. If one sponsor does not work out or makes you feel uncomfortable try another. Good luck.

W.

Fly N Buy

No one here or in any room speaks for AA. Do what you are comfortable with in your recovery. I approached a gent early and asked him to be my temporary sponsor - kind of a mentor into the group. A person I could call with question and start step work.

After some time I started working with another person and some friends I had made. There is nothing unusual about a new friend asking if you need help or contact info - but do what your comfortable with.

Remember there is a reason .........Chapter 7 working with others - Practical experience shows that nothing will so much insure immunity from drinking as intensive work with other alcoholics. It works when other activities fail. This is our twelfth suggestion: Carry this message to other alcoholics!

It is imperative for us to work with others - it helps both!

LBrain

you male or female?

BadCompany

When the guys I sponsor get up and going well in sobriety I tell them to get out there and sponsor someone. It is of course your decision.

Crete211

Thank you Fly N Buy

That gave me perspective and I think i need to work on myself more and not be as judgmental... but i guess that was me asking for help... and I received what I asked for. Insight.

Thank you all for your time and thoughts. All new to this so you have helped greatly!

Berrybean

If you are uncertain, you can always ask them to do the sponsorship on a temporary basis, until you get to know people better and have found out who 'has what you want'.

PS Men stick with men, women stick with women: so if you were female and these men approached you then they'd have been WAY out of line and you should mention it to the females of the group - preferable the one that looks like she'll give them a good snarling at lol.

blueberry2015

I dont think you should feel pressurised into getting a sponsor tbh and I agree you should ask someone whom youve gotten to know and feel comfortable with. I dont agree that men should stick with men and women stick with women, i feel its more important you have a sponsor you admire and feel comfotable with. If your not ready for a sponsor yet then say so x x x Good luck in your recovery x

Saskia

I agree 100%. A sponsor is not like a spouse - and please don't hesitate to politely let a sponsor know it's not working for you if that happens. That shouldn't be a reason to avoid a meeting. Nice that they offered!

IOAA2

Hi.

Before I would take any of this “advice” I’d check it out with members who I find with experience being sober and are active in the program.

A same sex temp sponsor is far superior than none and naturally someone who is in the program as opposed to being around it.

We alcoholics are famous for being dishonest in many of our affairs and a situation of opposite sex sponsors often are emotional damaging on the sponsee. Remember we are dealing with someone very tender and sensitive.

BE WELL

Berrybean

I know some instances where women and men have sponsored each other and it's worked really well, but generally not when one person has just started their AA journey, and they already knew each other and had no issues such as spouses or partners who could be hurt by them being working closely with someone of the opposite sex . And men approaching a new woman in the rooms to offer sponsorship would raise lots of eyebrows in my home-group, as people tend to be emotionally raw and be a bit all over the place and vulnerable at the start. I know that I was drawn to one person in particular (said or did nothing about it thank goodness) - I suppose, thinking about it, the attraction was just that he had what I wanted - secure sobriety - but if he'd offered or agreed to sponsor me it could have ended up getting complicated and would have been no good for either persons sobriety.

PurpleKnight

From reading threads around the subject, it seems to fit into normal behaviour.

But at the end of the day it's all about what works for your Sobriety, the final decision is yours!!

48heath

[ I dont agree that men should stick with men and women stick with women, x[/QUOTE]

It is men for men and women for women AA these days.

In the early days of AA there were few women in Recovery,so male sponsors for females was acceptable. Not so now,there are plenty of women.

it is not normal for people to be approached and asked if they are looking for a sponsor,unless the person has let it be known they are looking for one.

ClearLight

I went to a Beginner's meeting last night. I've just started going to meetings and haven't even shared.
It was funny that there were so few beginners like me - less than 30 days sober. At the end of the meeting the leader ask anyone that was willing to be a sponsor to raise their hands. Almost everyone in the room raised their hands. I think they came to the meeting looking to find a sponsee.
It's part of the steps to help others so folks are looking to do that. As long as the person is the same sex as you I wouldn't worry about it. Just tell them you're not ready yet.
I'm not ready yet. The first person I thought would be a good sponsor for me is a woman so I guess that's out - I'm a guy.
By the way - congrats on your sober time!