Need to get some of this **** out of my head....
 

Hey all--I have been having a lot of "stinkin thinkin" going on and it is really scaring me. I know I need to get some of it out of my head, but don't feel like talking to someone f2f right now. So, you guys are gonna get it--watch out!!!

I think I might be having some sort of identity crisis. I don't really want to drink, but at least when I was drinking I knew who I was--I was a drunk. Now I don't know what I want. I am irritable and discontent. On the outside, I think I look like I am holding it all together, but on the inside I feel like I am falling apart.

I just came from a barbeque at a friends house where I was one of two people not drinking. The last time I was in such a situation, I was fine--this time I felt like an alien. (so don't get in those situations, you say) Well, the problem is I have been feeling like an alien in ALL situations lately. I DO NOT want to go back to drinking--I was an obnoxious drunk. I threw up, got black eyes and didn't know where they came from, I passed out and wet the bed, I put my daughter in the car and drove her places (to the store to get more beer), I got DWI's, I slept with men I didn't even know, I couldn't pay my bills, I was sick all the time.....on and on it goes.

Life is so much better now. Why would I even consider drinking or smoking pot? What do I think is going to be different? Why can't I take it easy on myself and know that this is supposed to bed hard? Essentially, I guess I am doing 15 years of growing up, and it is happening very fast. I think I am having growing pains.

Maybe I am just sitting on the pity pot and refuse to get up. Maybe I just need someone to kick my butt. I don't know. I DO NOT want to go back. Thanks for listening.

Hugs to all--

((((Laura))))) :hug: Yepper that thinking can get us in a heap of trouble.....hmmmm time to change that, think of nice things, happy things, beautiful things, I will do it right along with you. Sitting here smiling now Laura, hope you are too, if you could see my little puppy right now, he'd put a big grin on your face, he plays hide and go seek with me, yep he does, hahaha, it's so darn cute.

See that, you've just given yourself all the reasons in the world to not go back to that HELL. And you don't have to, you're doing so wonderful keeping your sobriety Laura, so hang on to it as tight as you can, it's not worth going back. I had two months, in and let that time slide through my hands, and I'm paying for it now, to hard to get right back up after falling like that.

Please hang tight Laura, please hang tight, tears here seeing your struggle, you don't want to go back to HELL, it hurts way to bad. Type your heart out here, get what ever is bothering you off your chest, give it away, as they say.

Sending you my love, extra hugs and prayers........Denise

You too?
I think we're right where we're supposed to be Laura. I am so irritable these days, it's all I can manage sometimes to be around my children. Noises bother me way more than usual, I find myself short tempered at the slightest annoyance, I just want to stay under the covers all day, I have to really push myself to go out to meetings, etc, etc, etc...
I'm told, and I've read that it happens to a lot of us around this time in sobriety. Might even be Post Acute Withdrawal. I'm pretty sure that's what I'm going through. So I make darn certain I examine what's happening to me. Now's the time to really work hard, harder than usual I mean, to maintain some kind of balance. I'm really paying attention to what I eat, I try to set some time aside to just be in a quiet place every day, and above all, I look for reminders everywhere why I have chosen abstinence.
Some days, that's all I have as a reminder.
And it's really the only one we need I think.
Thanks for sharing Laura, and letting me know that I truly am not alone in this journey towards a sober life.

(((((((((((((Denise)))))))))))))))((((((((((((Dan) ))))))))))))) I am crying now. Maybe that is really what I need. To get it all out.
Ditto, Dan.
Let's all hang on together--

Ok ok I was in bed, jumped around in there a bit...got back up, fired up this old computer again.

(((((Laura)))))) :hug: do what you have to do to keep moving forward. Cry your heart out girl, get rid of the yuck stuff, here's my sleeve wipe your nose.

(((((Dan)))))) :hug: my heart goes out to you too, you guys just can't go back, you just can't. I need to see you all moving forward, remember me the lagger, and if you's give in, well.

Going back to bed again, and not thinking anymore tonight, yous either.

Laura here's a happy thought for you, woohoo. How's that for an image of an angel? works for me.

well that pic works for me too.

It's working over here too. :arms: WOW he's packing a really BIG ... set of wings.

(((LULU DAN DENISE)))

Hang on you guys. Remember back to when you were drinking. It just isn't worth going back to. You can get through the hard days. Draw strength from others. Drinking isn't the solution. I'd rather be an alien then a drunk anyday. Somedays we do feel like aliens, the oddball, but there is always the drunken alternative. No thank you. Ugh!!

Take me to your leader. Uh Oh, I think there coming after me.

(((((((Laura and Dan))))))) I hope you're feeling better today. :grouphug:

You know I wish I had of posted the day I knew I was going to give in, but I did nothing to help myself, someone I know really well tried to help, but I pushed him away, he knew the way I had been talking a few days before what was going to happen, and I ran, instead of letting him help. I wish so bad I had not let the booze take over again, wish so bad, and I do know once I get going again, I won't make the same mistake....ah the lessons in this. So it's a real good idea coming in here and SCREAM out how you feel, you don't want to go BACK, it's so damn hard to get going again, real hard, and it really lets you know about the progression in this, YUCK.

Hi ((((nycole)))) :hug: welcome to SR, best gang around, and whoa the help you'll get will amaze you, please tell us a bit about yourself.

((((Talia))))) :hug: you make me laugh girl, yeah would you take a look at those wings, lol.

Now everyone SMILE dammit.

Hang in there Lulu! It's all part of the growing up process. Crying is good, it's cathartic, really! What your experiancing is normal sweety, guess what? Your begining to feel, SOBER! Your begining to experiance emotions SOBER! Your learning to use the tools to help you practice the principles in all your affairs SOBER! Your right where your supposed to be okay? I know it sucks right now, I had an emotional meltdown early in recovery, and talking, crying, and working with my sponce got me through it. Go to a meeting, get it out, let people listen, perhaps someone in the room needs to hear what you have to say to help them stay sober just for today.

It's going to be okay, promise!

(((((LULU))))-

Hang in there. We are all on your side. I have always valued your comments and even your rants. Sometimes it is like surgery I think!!

(((LuLu))) and all the others feeling blue,

Just hang in there. It's not easy to experience feelings for me because I never did before. They're strange to me. Whenever I felt something before, I would drink or drug them away. No one ever said this trip we're on would be easy, but it is definately worth it.

And that angel is a real nice thought. Thanks for sharing Denise. :biglaugh:

Sherry

Laura,

What everyone has told you is right. This is an interesting and strange process we go through when we got sober. I've been sober awhile now and I still find myself stopping short sometimes because I'm no longer the person I thought I was. In a sense, I'm still getting used to living with parts of myself that I didn't know were there. So, I would say you're doing just fine and the confusion you're feeling is just part of the process.

Love, Anna

((((((((Laura))))))))

You were defining yourself by your behavior. I am sure you were more than a drunk. And I'm sure that now you are more than a former drunk. That's the problem with labels. When we take one off, we get uncomfortable until we can find another one to put on.

Our lives don't completely revolve around alcohol. Maybe you can tell us what you are, what matters to you, and what interests you. What does make you content in your life? What would you like to be more effective at? We can define ourselves by what we do, who we're related to, what and who we take care of, what we excel at, what we believe, and more.

I've never met anyone who was just a drunk. That may be the behavior they're exhibiting most clearly and obnoxiously, but there's always more to the story than just that behavior. The best simile I can give is to the way leaves turn color in the fall: the green chlorophyll drains out, leaving the bright underlying pigments that were always there. We just couldn't see them before. Your other facets can now be visible.

And to date I haven't met an alien, but I think they mostly land in the southern states. Then again, there's a theory that in California we're all aliens.

Don S

Amen to that Don. I'm discovering things about myself, some pleasant and some less so, now that I've removed the filter through which I looked at me, namely substances, and alcohol in particular.
It's still one of the greatest benefits of sobriety for me, to be present and witnessing facets of me emerging for practicaly the first time in my life.
So called bad days are just that now. Days when I'm not as content with my life as other days.
They are no longer a trigger for imagined refuge in the oblivion of mindless, endless drinking.

Hi Laura,
Thanks for sharing.
I go through the same thing in my recovery. I still make my cameo appearances to the bars and realize more and more that I just don't belong there.
I have friends that drink and I visit them less and less.
The bottom line for me is that the whole world hasn't changed, but, I have in my sobriety.
I realize that most people out there that drink don't have the problem that I had when I was out there.
It;s good to hear story's like yours because thats how I am able to keep my sanity.
These emotions that we are going thru are all normal and to be expected.

Thanks so much everyone, for your kind words. I am just an emotional wreck right now. I KNOW that drinking will not make it better, and I am not going to drink. I think I am having some kind of emotional breakdown. I'm also not taking very good care of myself--too much caffeine and nicotine, not enough sleep, not eating very well, laying around too much. I know it will get better, and it is still better than it was before. Like I said before, I think I am having growing pains.

Thanks again--

Hi Laura,
I'm posting late, but I read your thread and am sending you and everyone else hugs. :grouphug:

Hi, Lulu,
I do remember that when I first quit I seemed to have a strong attraction to coffee and anything containing caffeine. I don't smoke, but I'd imagine that ongoing stimulation is something your body and brain are kind of craving, too. But I realized that was kind of like picking at the scabs of my old drinking behavior, so I minimized my daily coffee as much as I could bear. So I'd suggest (and you know this, anyway...) you cut back on the caffeine, get more rest, eat right, and get some exercise. There. Did I sound like your mom, or what?!
Oh, yeah--quit smoking too.
Maybe some warm baths, chamomile and valerian tea, nice soft music, a massage.....
Don S

Sure, Don. I'll get right on that. (Sarcasm) Seriously, though, I know I need to do all those things. It's kind of a viscious cycle. I don't do those things, so I feel like crap, so I don't want to take care of myself, so I feel more like crap, so I don't want to take care of myself, so I feel even more like crap.....on and on. The main thing I have to remind myself is that I AM NOT DRINKING OR SMOKING POT! I know what I need to do. I'll get there eventually. Until then, I will just keep unloading my **** on you guys! happyface: