Scared1234

I drank a liter of vodka last night over 4 hours. I am so incredibly hungover I just want to curl up into a ball and die. I'm not going to learn my lesson ever. Why am I waiting for my body to fail before I do something about my drinking?

Anna

Are you waiting for your body to fail? I hope not. You have the choice to stop this before that happens. What happened to cause you to buy and drink the vodka? What can you do next time so that won't happen? How about coming here to post about your feelings before you drink? We do understand how hard this is.

Dee74

You sounded really positive the last time we spoke
What kind of things did you put into action for your recovery Scared?

D

ScottFromWI

My guess is because you are an alcoholic but are still in denial about it. Many of us were too, but until you decide to fully accept it and take action, expect more of the same.

Ruby2

Why did you decide to drink? What was going on?

Although sometimes it really doesn't matter why. All I know is that I can't drink no matter what. Ever. I sit in the discomfort until it passes. It will pass and I will go on. If I give in, I'm just prolonging the pain. If I don't give in, I search for ways other than alcohol to make me feel better. Or to celebrate. Or to get beyond the loneliness. Or anger. There is always a different, better solution to what is going on than alcohol. Keep coming back. Take care of yourself

alphaomega

Hi Scared. May I suggest rereading some of your old threads ? That always helped me when I would get stuck in a rut.

least

What pressure was there to drink?

Scared1234

I went a really long time(8 days) without drinking and was really happy to find out I don't have a physical addiction to alcohol. But my mental addiction is just too much. I buckled under the pressure...I needed the buzz so bad. The thought of never drinking again bothers me sometimes and it really bothered me last night so went to the liquor store and bought a bottle with the insane thought that this would be the last time. But I know it won't be

newhope01

Im glad you came back to reach out. You obviously haven't thrown the towel in yet. Please keep coming back and checking in with us.

I know this may sound rotten, but it's a good sign you aren't hungover, it shows your body is not dependent yet and hasn't given up the fight yet. You can still pull out of this if you just surrender.

newhope01

I meant are not aren't.. me and typing.

FreeOwl

No. You don't need the buzz. You need an alternate course of action. You need support of in person understanding. You need people who've been there and understand. You need a counselor to work on your self understanding and emotions. You need a recovery program. You need exercise and different choices and some new activities and a focus to take your head off booze.

You need to find out how precious and beautiful life is.

But you definitely don't need the buzz.

Saskia

That does not mean that you don't have a physical addiction to alcohol. It simply means that you didn't need to detox the way some do. I have never needed detox (so far) but am most definitely an alcoholic and it did affect my liver quite badly (cirrhosis). Alcohol affects certain cells in our brains that for those of us that are alcoholics means that our bodies (including brains) crave alcohol.

least

As long as you 'know' it won't be the last time, then it won't. You have to want to be sober more than you want to drink.

littlefish

I went on the roller coaster ride of relapsing for a long time. I too thought I would never, ever learn. I felt so frustrated. I would have wonderful days of sobriety then throw it all away in the blink of an eye. I really, really can relate to your post.
What changed?
Probably the most crucial change was finally accepting that I cannot drink normally, ever: the alcohol experience will never be safe for me under any circumstances. And, yes, it is a terrible finality. But we accept finality all the time in our lives, don't we?
I didn't have an epiphany moment when that change happened. It happened gradually over a period of time. I think I changed a little bit at the end of every binge, I changed a little each time I tried to prove to myself that I could drink safely and each and every time I proved to myself I can't.
Part of the change involved accepting that I am different from normal people and that the physiological process of drinking is totally different for me. That took some time, too.

Another thing I learned was how important it is to identify our thoughts. By the time I poured the drink and lifted it to my lips, the decision had been made long, long before. It's a two part process. By the time you drove to the liquor store, you had already made your choice. It was a done deal, over. Pouring the drink and having the binge was just rationalization.

Try to identify your thoughts clearly. Try to identify exactly when you have that first impulse to drink, then take a deeper look. 9 times out of 10 you will find you are being triggered by stress, loneliness, anger, etc. Etc. And the feeling is massive. We have a lot of etc's, don't we? And they are always massive. Then tell yourself to sit with that stress: just endure it. Don't run away from it. Drinking was running away from it. You will be surprised to discover the pain is not all that bad, nor does it last that long. Minutes or less. If you can sit through it, you will discover the next little miracle. After you sit through the uncomfortable feelings and watch them go away, the attractiveness of a drink begins to go away.

I wish sincerely that I had been one of those sober people who walked away from their last drink and never went back. Unfortunately, I am not wired that way.
I learn by mistake making and I sure did that. But, once I learn, I stay solid and never waver.
I hope your learning process goes quickly, but even if it doesn't, please don't give up. I have rock solid sobriety now and today the thought of drinking simply never happens. Never. It's amazing, and you can have it too if you keep trying.

dru1085

Hang in there Scared. There is a way out.. Hope your feeling better soon.

Soberwolf

Scared if you carry on like this its going to get worse I nearly died in a house fire

I don't have to know you to know you don't really want to live like this

I Implore you to make full use of these links build a plan surround yourself with ppl who actually care whether that is SR, AA, Smart, Lifering

Keep checking in bud

PurpleKnight

I could ask the question, so how did that work out for you? or was it worth it? but that's already been covered!!

How about next time posting here before hand or this thread link, save it on your favourites and check it out before going to the store:

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...-pressure.html

Addiction has a crafty way of making us forget that we don't even have an addiction in time, in this case it was only a week, so the plan and way forward is what are you gonna do each week to go further and further? therein lies the solution and your next tweak to your recovery plan!!

You can do this Scared, and everyone here wants you to beat this!!

Carver

This is so right. I know that I'm done with drinking.

Saying "I know it won't be the last time" is you giving the AV the chance to talk you into it again. Work on accepting that you just can't drink. Accept that it is for the rest of your life. I know that's a scary thought to begin with because it was for me, for years. Now the thought of never drinking again makes me happy.

Good luck to you. I'm always here to talk, as are most people here

TroyW

That's no good.

Eventually you reach a point where you simply can't do it any more. The question is, do you reach that point before you end up in a hospital on your death bed with cirrhosis? I really hope you decide to quit before that happens, because if you're putting down 1L in 4 hours, it will eventually happen.

Hope you make the right decision, and take care.

gaffo

I've never really liked hard numbers but quitting for ninety days is very useful, in my opinion. I used to quit for thirty occasionally but once I'd gone ninety, it gave me a whole new perspective. One day at a time, of course. I'm one month away from four years now and I still give thanks every morning for not having a hangover. Keep at it, Scared 1234, you'll get there. It isn't easy but it is so worth it. You'll see.