Stuck in a cycle that has stopped working
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2015
Posts: 15
Stuck in a cycle that has stopped working
Hi!
Im new to here 30 and female. I was somewhat of a rebellious teenager. I still went to a very good college and tried to be respectful to my parents but they were in a terrible marriage and nothin
g i did was enough to fix that. I experimented with weed and some pills binge drank etc. at the end of high school.
My parents said I was adhd and I got put on the maximum dose of Dexedrine (a very large dose especially for a small framed woman 40mg a day). I've taken this daily for about 10 yrs. at first I had no interest in going out w my friends anymore. Also i wasn't interested in alcohol anymore ( I have a family history of alcoholism) so that seemed good. I was really active and studied a lot.
However the social isolation was my downfall plus the tolerance that comes, although I didn't abuse dexedrine. I was in a series of abusive relationships while taking these happy pills. The most recent was w a physical abuser who encouraged me to get back into heavy drinking around age 25 and smoking very strong medicinal weed. I fled the situation with him and moved across the country. I randomly met a very nice stable non addict guy and have a great group of friends thank god. However we go out a lot and many of them drink heavily.
I totally became an alcoholic after leaving my ex and recently I no longer have any of the energy I used to. I used to work out for hours even after drinking heavily in the morning earlier this year. I feel like I'm burnt out finally from stress and then lack of stress/adrenaline from being w an abuser.. I know there is some sort of relationship btwn long term adhd drug use and then using sedatives. Or drinking more because you don't pass out. All I need to know now is how to get out of this cycle because neither substance does much other then to make me feel almost normal, as in not hopelessly depressed and anxious. I also have been manically traveling w friends and my boyfriend,, since I left my ex so maybe am burnt out. I really cannot function like this anymore and if anyone can relate please let me know.
I also really don't want to go to rehab or detox and have tried AA and it's not a fit. I think society will always say I have adhd but I'm sad that this medicine really changed me and I am not the person from before or the person the medicine once worked for. I feel very lost. I need a strategy to taper maybe but need to balance all the elements. Thanks!
Im new to here 30 and female. I was somewhat of a rebellious teenager. I still went to a very good college and tried to be respectful to my parents but they were in a terrible marriage and nothin
g i did was enough to fix that. I experimented with weed and some pills binge drank etc. at the end of high school.My parents said I was adhd and I got put on the maximum dose of Dexedrine (a very large dose especially for a small framed woman 40mg a day). I've taken this daily for about 10 yrs. at first I had no interest in going out w my friends anymore. Also i wasn't interested in alcohol anymore ( I have a family history of alcoholism) so that seemed good. I was really active and studied a lot.
However the social isolation was my downfall plus the tolerance that comes, although I didn't abuse dexedrine. I was in a series of abusive relationships while taking these happy pills. The most recent was w a physical abuser who encouraged me to get back into heavy drinking around age 25 and smoking very strong medicinal weed. I fled the situation with him and moved across the country. I randomly met a very nice stable non addict guy and have a great group of friends thank god. However we go out a lot and many of them drink heavily.
I totally became an alcoholic after leaving my ex and recently I no longer have any of the energy I used to. I used to work out for hours even after drinking heavily in the morning earlier this year. I feel like I'm burnt out finally from stress and then lack of stress/adrenaline from being w an abuser.. I know there is some sort of relationship btwn long term adhd drug use and then using sedatives. Or drinking more because you don't pass out. All I need to know now is how to get out of this cycle because neither substance does much other then to make me feel almost normal, as in not hopelessly depressed and anxious. I also have been manically traveling w friends and my boyfriend,, since I left my ex so maybe am burnt out. I really cannot function like this anymore and if anyone can relate please let me know.
I also really don't want to go to rehab or detox and have tried AA and it's not a fit. I think society will always say I have adhd but I'm sad that this medicine really changed me and I am not the person from before or the person the medicine once worked for. I feel very lost. I need a strategy to taper maybe but need to balance all the elements. Thanks!
Forum Leader
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Wisconsin, USA
Posts: 16,945
Welcome Light, and thanks for sharing your story. Many of us have backgrounds that led to serious alcohol abuse, I personally also reached the point where I wasn't drinking anymore to "enjoy" it...i was maintenance drinking just to avoid withdrawals ( aka the depression and anxiety phase you are feeling )
I have to be honest your last paragraph still shows a lot of denial. You might not want to go to detox/rehab or AA but at this point in the game it's probably not about what you "want" anymore but what you "need". And what society says about your condition is irrelevant...you know who you are and what you need so you need to seek it.
I'd recommend seeing a doctor first and laying this all out on the table. You may need supervision or at least medical intervention to physically get everything out of your system safely. That might not mean Detox or rehab, but doing this all by yourself or trying to "taper" is a formula for failure. Tapering rarely works, in a sense it is just another form of moderation..and we know that we can't moderate.
SR itself is a wonderful place to find support, and you should definitely spend some time reading, as much as you like. But please don't rule out the fact that you will most likely need local assistance too. Please be safe!
I have to be honest your last paragraph still shows a lot of denial. You might not want to go to detox/rehab or AA but at this point in the game it's probably not about what you "want" anymore but what you "need". And what society says about your condition is irrelevant...you know who you are and what you need so you need to seek it.
I'd recommend seeing a doctor first and laying this all out on the table. You may need supervision or at least medical intervention to physically get everything out of your system safely. That might not mean Detox or rehab, but doing this all by yourself or trying to "taper" is a formula for failure. Tapering rarely works, in a sense it is just another form of moderation..and we know that we can't moderate.
SR itself is a wonderful place to find support, and you should definitely spend some time reading, as much as you like. But please don't rule out the fact that you will most likely need local assistance too. Please be safe!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2015
Posts: 15
What I wrote was already way too long sorry. But I wanted to add the details that the reason I need to quit is the quantity of alcohol I'm consuming its daily all day and really really a lot. My apt before I lived w my boyfriend looked like a recycling facility., which is definitely not something I'm proud of. I've tried to quit many times but since I moved have almost resigned my self to this. I know this combination is screwing up my heart and liver and I get crazy withdrawals. i also put myself in really dumb situations and end up wasting money which then causes more stress. I'm not mean to people and don't black out but this is just not the life I ever would be proud of
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2015
Posts: 15
Thank you ScottFromWI. I think you are right I'll need to go to a dr. I'm just so paranoid about that putting a permanent stamp on me that I can't get rid of as being an alcoholic. Is that accurate though? Can there be confidentiality. The amount of anxiety and depression I have renders me basically dysfunctional. I've tried vitamins, juicing etc etc, always went back to drinking. With alcohol I surely have a physical dependency by now but with Dexedrine/adderall i know it's psychological only. But the pull of it psychologically is very strong.
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,492
Hi,
Welcome and I'm glad you posted.
If you are drinking a lot as you said, then you really need to talk to your dr because detoxing from alcohol is unpredictable and can be dangerous. I agree that you should consider rehab and then following a program that works for you.
Welcome and I'm glad you posted.
If you are drinking a lot as you said, then you really need to talk to your dr because detoxing from alcohol is unpredictable and can be dangerous. I agree that you should consider rehab and then following a program that works for you.
Forum Leader
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Wisconsin, USA
Posts: 16,945
Originally Posted by Light76 
Thank you ScottFromWI. I think you are right I'll need to go to a dr. I'm just so paranoid about that putting a permanent stamp on me that I can't get rid of as being an alcoholic. Is that accurate though? Can there be confidentiality. The amount of anxiety and depression I have renders me basically dysfunctional. I've tried vitamins, juicing etc etc, always went back to drinking. With alcohol I surely have a physical dependency by now but with Dexedrine/adderall i know it's psychological only. But the pull of it psychologically is very strong.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2015
Posts: 15
Thanks everyone. My biggest problem is I think is that I'm in way too deep at this point and that I tried to drink myself out of situations that were very important to leave and to become social again for support but am so addicted to alcohol now. I don't want to quit drinking but more definitely need to. I probsbly go through a handle of vodka in a day and a half or 3 bottles of wine. I'm not a large person and am surely killing myself. My grandfathers dad drank himself to death in his 30s and out of 3 of my grandparents, one was a alcoholic and two very heavy drinkers. I feel like I'm doomed if I can't get motivated. What motivated you?
~sb
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: MD
Posts: 15,964
"I also really don't want to go to rehab or detox"
but these could save your life. Medical detox helps to stop the body from getting "shocked" by not consuming alcohol, rehab gives you information so you can stay stopped.
Rational Recovery
SMART
AVRT
Life Ring
SOS
all exist and have their own websites!
I wish you well!!
Love and hugs to you
but these could save your life. Medical detox helps to stop the body from getting "shocked" by not consuming alcohol, rehab gives you information so you can stay stopped.
Rational Recovery
SMART
AVRT
Life Ring
SOS
all exist and have their own websites!
I wish you well!!
Love and hugs to you
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