Sharing at meetings
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2015
Location: Northern California
Posts: 2
Sharing at meetings
I'm hoping to get this community's thoughts/advice on a fairly serious hurdle I'm up against when it comes to sharing at meetings. I suck at it. I really do. I'm early in my sobriety, but I have been in and out of AA meetings over the last couple years. I hear such wonderful shares where folks hit all of the slogans and relevant points of recovery, and they're always so inspirational. And I spend most of the meeting going over in my head what I would say if my name was read from the clip board, god forbid if it ever is chosen. It's weird, though, because at my job I lead meetings and I present papers at conferences, etc. But for some reason I just freeze up and over think it at meetings.
Is there a format or template I can follow or work with that will at least get me going? Even if it sounds scripted or canned, at least it would be something I could build from over time. I want to share, but I'm just terrible at it. It's a real struggle, and I think it's holding me back from really connecting with the fellowship of AAs. Thanks very much for your time.
D
Is there a format or template I can follow or work with that will at least get me going? Even if it sounds scripted or canned, at least it would be something I could build from over time. I want to share, but I'm just terrible at it. It's a real struggle, and I think it's holding me back from really connecting with the fellowship of AAs. Thanks very much for your time.
D
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Central Texas
Posts: 223
I don't have an answer as I don't go to AA but have been seriously considering it and have the same anxiety as you. I also speak in front of others in my work, but I know what I am going to say there. In my personal life I am afraid of saying too much, saying the wrong thing or being judged. Thank you for asking this question, I am subscribing to this thread to see what others have to say.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: northern michigan. not the U.P.
Posts: 15,281
they pick names of whos going to share from a clipboard of names? thats a new one to me.
what those people are sharing and how they are sharing it is from their experience,theyve worked the steps and have been sober a while. more than likely not very many were very well at speaking when they got sober.
i used to sit there and thinkthinkthink about what i was going to say. then afterwards id be all," did i say something wrong? i should have said... why did i say that???"
i missed out on a lot of what others were sharing.
but i shared. thats how others were able to help me.
after i had been through the steps and time practicing the principles in my life i simply ask god to guide my words.
what those people are sharing and how they are sharing it is from their experience,theyve worked the steps and have been sober a while. more than likely not very many were very well at speaking when they got sober.
i used to sit there and thinkthinkthink about what i was going to say. then afterwards id be all," did i say something wrong? i should have said... why did i say that???"
i missed out on a lot of what others were sharing.
but i shared. thats how others were able to help me.
after i had been through the steps and time practicing the principles in my life i simply ask god to guide my words.
I could see peace instead of this
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Canada, eh
Posts: 2,360
Even after a lot of years in the program, I still have a hard time commenting. I get anxious and tongue-tied, forget what I'd wanted to say and sometimes blank right out in the middle of a comment. I see it happen to others too, and it's really no big deal except maybe to that person.
I tell myself it's my ego that's all worried about making an impression. I know I'm not judgemental of others in meetings and I don't think a lot of people are. I try not to spend my time in meetings missing what everyone else said because I'm too busy thinking about what I'm going to say.
The things that help me are to say a little prayer; I ask for guidance in being helpful. I take the pressure off myself a lot by not commenting if I'm feeling too nervous, and if I feel I really need to say something I keep it short and sweet. I probably don't say anything in about half the meetings I go to. I know members that have never commented.
Having a home group and getting to know the other members better also makes a difference, and also spending time talking to them before and after meetings helps me to get more comfortable with them. Sometimes going for coffee with some of them for the "meeting after the meeting" is really good, because it's more relaxed and easier to share something I was too nervous to share earlier.
The best way for me to share when I do is from the heart. I can tell the difference because if it's from the heart it just comes out and most of the time I can't really even remember what I just said. I appreciate anyone who can share from the heart no matter how it happens to come out.
I think it's also important to realize that each of us have our own gifts and something to offer.
I tell myself it's my ego that's all worried about making an impression. I know I'm not judgemental of others in meetings and I don't think a lot of people are. I try not to spend my time in meetings missing what everyone else said because I'm too busy thinking about what I'm going to say.
The things that help me are to say a little prayer; I ask for guidance in being helpful. I take the pressure off myself a lot by not commenting if I'm feeling too nervous, and if I feel I really need to say something I keep it short and sweet. I probably don't say anything in about half the meetings I go to. I know members that have never commented.
Having a home group and getting to know the other members better also makes a difference, and also spending time talking to them before and after meetings helps me to get more comfortable with them. Sometimes going for coffee with some of them for the "meeting after the meeting" is really good, because it's more relaxed and easier to share something I was too nervous to share earlier.
The best way for me to share when I do is from the heart. I can tell the difference because if it's from the heart it just comes out and most of the time I can't really even remember what I just said. I appreciate anyone who can share from the heart no matter how it happens to come out.
I think it's also important to realize that each of us have our own gifts and something to offer.
Forum Leader
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Wisconsin, USA
Posts: 16,945
All you need to do is say what you are thinking/feeling. There is no requirement for the format or presentation style of your sharing. And believe it or not, what you say is most likely just as inspirational to others as what they say is to you. Speaking with honestly is powerful stuff, no matter what you say.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: former texan
Posts: 216
Not to worry
I never use slogans, the principals, etc. I just respond emotionally to what I just heard, and how it made me feel, or if something hit home for me.
I thank everyone for listening and that's it. No one expects more from anyone. I do know many in the program that have been there 5-30 years who sound like they are reciting memorized stuff from the big book or other writings, but they've been there so long they probably don't even realize they are doing it.
I never use slogans, the principals, etc. I just respond emotionally to what I just heard, and how it made me feel, or if something hit home for me.
I thank everyone for listening and that's it. No one expects more from anyone. I do know many in the program that have been there 5-30 years who sound like they are reciting memorized stuff from the big book or other writings, but they've been there so long they probably don't even realize they are doing it.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: UK
Posts: 6,902
Do you mean a main share - like a telling your story one?
If so, I just worked from the 'How I was; What happened; And what it's like now' format. My story is what it is. It isn't particularly exciting, especially as a lot of the stuff about 'how I was' I don't necessarily think is appropriate to share in a mixed meeting. I shared on the bits I felt comfortable with sharing for now; so mostly focussed on recovery and steps.
Surely you don't HAVE to share??
If so, I just worked from the 'How I was; What happened; And what it's like now' format. My story is what it is. It isn't particularly exciting, especially as a lot of the stuff about 'how I was' I don't necessarily think is appropriate to share in a mixed meeting. I shared on the bits I felt comfortable with sharing for now; so mostly focussed on recovery and steps.
Surely you don't HAVE to share??
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 9,029
Oh my goodness! I could have written your post. I always feel like an idiot when I talk at meetings. Stumbling over my own ideas and tongue. The hamster wheel spinning in my head what do I say what do I say what do I say?
People who incorporate all the pretty slogans into their speeches may sound good, but really, are they speaking from their hearts? Or is it merely a practiced script? I've sat there listening to people string one slogan together after another to form what they want to say but I find that annoying. It sounds like a script. Say what means something to you. Doesn't matter if it's polished. Just relax. I still sound like a dork. I make my living in public speaking. That's easy as pie. But saying my feelings? Super scary. Don't worry about it. There's really no right or wrong answer.
People who incorporate all the pretty slogans into their speeches may sound good, but really, are they speaking from their hearts? Or is it merely a practiced script? I've sat there listening to people string one slogan together after another to form what they want to say but I find that annoying. It sounds like a script. Say what means something to you. Doesn't matter if it's polished. Just relax. I still sound like a dork. I make my living in public speaking. That's easy as pie. But saying my feelings? Super scary. Don't worry about it. There's really no right or wrong answer.
EndGame
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 4,677
It's often said in recovery settings that some people need to learn to speak, and others need to learn to listen. A more aggressive version of this that, mercifully, seems to have fallen out of favor is, "Take the cotton out of your ears, and put it in your mouth."
We're not there to entertain people; nor are our oratory skills up for evaluation. There are plenty of silver-tongued speakers who are full of shite, who speak well at meetings but live badly for much of the other twenty three hours of each day.
If you're not already doing it, you would likely benefit from beginners' meetings, where there tend to be more people in your situation. Overthinking what you want to say is perhaps the best way to sabotage yourself. I went to a meeting once where the speaker brought with him index cards so that he could remind himself of what he wanted to talk about. He spoke for almost the full hour. It was among the worst experiences I've had in AA. Some of the better speakers, as well as people who've shared from the floor, had no obvious skills in public speaking, but offered a profoundly inspirational message without, apparently, setting out to do so. There is no gold standard to which you need to aspire.
In the end, this is partly a control issue. We don't trust ourselves to spontaneously express ourselves. We want those who are listening to know exactly what we are saying and how we feel. If ninety nine people in the room "get it," and there's one person who we don't reach, guess what we focus on? When our presentation becomes the goal rather than expressing what we feel, we're not giving ourselves, or others, a fair chance to benefit from what we have to say. If you're still concerned about other people's reactions, most of us respond much better to honesty and sincerity than to a polished presentation.
An accomplished and well-respected senior member in my profession, now deceased, was once called upon to speak at an international conference. I asked him how he would prepare. He said, "Prepare? I know who I am and what I've done. What's there to prepare for?"
As for advice, which I'm rarely comfortable with, keep it simple, and don't qualify from the floor. You don't need to talk about everything that's going on with you. If you do, you'll find yourself rambling and tripping over your own words and you'll trigger increasing anxiety within yourself and fatigue among those who are listening. When you sense that your anxiety is climbing, it may be time to stop. What often worked for me when I was new was to refer to something that someone else talked about and apply it to my own circumstances.
And now for a lecture on choosing people from a sheet of paper on a clipboard...I generally don't like this procedure. Forcing people to do what they are either afraid to do or otherwise don't want to do is not always the best way for that person to learn. Sometimes the baby sinks when we throw it into the pool and only learns to avoid swimming pools. I've been at meetings where no one raised their hands to speak. The group leader or speaker would then say something like, "If no one shares, we'll start picking people." Really? So now the idea of sharing freely is framed as a threat? Not interested.
I much prefer meetings that practice going around the room after the speaker is finished, with a suggestion to keep their sharing to four or five minutes, and where passing is not taken as the moral equivalent of a relapse. Speaking is a right and not a responsibly, and it provides for the opportunity to learn how to express ourselves in a limited amount of time. Those who share for fifteen or twenty minutes are stealing time from those who need to speak.
Go to your meeting early. Try to speak to someone who you might trust beforehand, and let him or her know that you struggle with speaking. When the time comes that you raise your hand, you'll have at least one person in the room who's interested in what you have to say, and who you can speak to after the meeting is over.
We're not there to entertain people; nor are our oratory skills up for evaluation. There are plenty of silver-tongued speakers who are full of shite, who speak well at meetings but live badly for much of the other twenty three hours of each day.
If you're not already doing it, you would likely benefit from beginners' meetings, where there tend to be more people in your situation. Overthinking what you want to say is perhaps the best way to sabotage yourself. I went to a meeting once where the speaker brought with him index cards so that he could remind himself of what he wanted to talk about. He spoke for almost the full hour. It was among the worst experiences I've had in AA. Some of the better speakers, as well as people who've shared from the floor, had no obvious skills in public speaking, but offered a profoundly inspirational message without, apparently, setting out to do so. There is no gold standard to which you need to aspire.
In the end, this is partly a control issue. We don't trust ourselves to spontaneously express ourselves. We want those who are listening to know exactly what we are saying and how we feel. If ninety nine people in the room "get it," and there's one person who we don't reach, guess what we focus on? When our presentation becomes the goal rather than expressing what we feel, we're not giving ourselves, or others, a fair chance to benefit from what we have to say. If you're still concerned about other people's reactions, most of us respond much better to honesty and sincerity than to a polished presentation.
An accomplished and well-respected senior member in my profession, now deceased, was once called upon to speak at an international conference. I asked him how he would prepare. He said, "Prepare? I know who I am and what I've done. What's there to prepare for?"
As for advice, which I'm rarely comfortable with, keep it simple, and don't qualify from the floor. You don't need to talk about everything that's going on with you. If you do, you'll find yourself rambling and tripping over your own words and you'll trigger increasing anxiety within yourself and fatigue among those who are listening. When you sense that your anxiety is climbing, it may be time to stop. What often worked for me when I was new was to refer to something that someone else talked about and apply it to my own circumstances.
And now for a lecture on choosing people from a sheet of paper on a clipboard...I generally don't like this procedure. Forcing people to do what they are either afraid to do or otherwise don't want to do is not always the best way for that person to learn. Sometimes the baby sinks when we throw it into the pool and only learns to avoid swimming pools. I've been at meetings where no one raised their hands to speak. The group leader or speaker would then say something like, "If no one shares, we'll start picking people." Really? So now the idea of sharing freely is framed as a threat? Not interested.
I much prefer meetings that practice going around the room after the speaker is finished, with a suggestion to keep their sharing to four or five minutes, and where passing is not taken as the moral equivalent of a relapse. Speaking is a right and not a responsibly, and it provides for the opportunity to learn how to express ourselves in a limited amount of time. Those who share for fifteen or twenty minutes are stealing time from those who need to speak.
Go to your meeting early. Try to speak to someone who you might trust beforehand, and let him or her know that you struggle with speaking. When the time comes that you raise your hand, you'll have at least one person in the room who's interested in what you have to say, and who you can speak to after the meeting is over.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: SoCal, California
Posts: 990
You're doing better than me- I've been to about 5 meetings and I have never shared.
I will soon though.
If you don't want to share just say pass.
But please don't worry about what you say. One of the memorable shares from last Sunday was a guy that said, as he was fidgeting around, "I'm from Florida. Just moved out here. I've been sober 30 hours. Hope to get to know you folks."
That was just fine.
I will soon though.
If you don't want to share just say pass.
But please don't worry about what you say. One of the memorable shares from last Sunday was a guy that said, as he was fidgeting around, "I'm from Florida. Just moved out here. I've been sober 30 hours. Hope to get to know you folks."
That was just fine.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: Pacific Northwest
Posts: 645
If it is a chip meeting, you can start off by congratulating those who picked up a chip and then welcome any newcomers. Then you can simply say you are grateful to be there and that you are just going to listen today. I figure if it is something that is making you anxious which may be a potential trigger for you, just say you are going to pass for today.
Blue Belt
Join Date: Jul 2015
Location: Soberville, USA
Posts: 4,174
Yep....I am not bitting at the bit to speak...just listen...learn...not afraid to speak....don't have anything much to say except...
I hate booze...glad I quit...feels great to be a sober man...never drinking again...alcohol is poisen...blah blah blah...
Spoke when I got my 4 month chip....basically talked about my lucky bottom...
Sure that it came across the same way it does here...
What ever that is....
Glad you all are here...reading...replying....tolerating...teaching ...etc..
I hate booze...glad I quit...feels great to be a sober man...never drinking again...alcohol is poisen...blah blah blah...
Spoke when I got my 4 month chip....basically talked about my lucky bottom...
Sure that it came across the same way it does here...
What ever that is....
Glad you all are here...reading...replying....tolerating...teaching ...etc..
Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 6
Originally Posted by EchosMyron 
It's weird, though, because at my job I lead meetings and I present papers at conferences, etc. But for some reason I just freeze up and over think it at meetings.
- What was the last thing I talked to my sponsor about? What good suggestions did my sponsor plant in my head? Is it related at all to the topic? If so, then pass it along. Maybe someone else needed to hear it.
- Instead of going over lists of ideas in my head, select just one point and state it in brief, clear language and in under a minute. My area doesn't enforce 3-5 minute limits, and at first I thought I needed to go into a lot of depth; brevity's an underrated quality in shares today.
- After the topic's announced, cut in and share the first thought that crops up in my mind so that I don't have time to start overthinking it. Bonus: I can focus better on what other people are sharing now because I won't be planning a share.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 6
Originally Posted by EndGameNYC
And now for a lecture on choosing people from a sheet of paper on a clipboard...I generally don't like this procedure. Forcing people to do what they are either afraid to do or otherwise don't want to do is not always the best way for that person to learn. Sometimes the baby sinks when we throw it into the pool and only learns to avoid swimming pools. I've been at meetings where no one raised their hands to speak. The group leader or speaker would then say something like, "If no one shares, we'll start picking people." Really? So now the idea of sharing freely is framed as a threat? Not interested.
I would speculate that the chairperson's actual intent in these instances could be phrased better by something like, "At this point, I will call on some individuals. If I call on you and you had something you were thinking about sharing but weren't sure if it was worth sharing, then we encourage you to go ahead and share it. But if you do not have anything to share, then don't feel obligated to share; just say 'Pass' and I will call on somebody else. Even if called on, you are not expected to share if you don't want to."
But what I hear is, "When I call on your name, you will be required to contribute to this discussion whether you want to or not. Oh, and to those thinking of passing: don't. Passing will be considered as both an offense and a probable indicator of a relapse or a weak program."
An even greater pet peeve of mine is discussion meeting chairpersons who start calling on people at random before the discussion showed signs of tapering off — or, in some extreme cases, right at the very start of the discussion, after the topic is given, and before anyone has a chance to volunteer a share. At this point in my sobriety, I like sharing at discussion meetings when I feel like I have some experience, strength, and hope to share on the topic — and I wonder why I bothered coming when the chairperson just calls on all his best friends, to the exclusion of others he doesn't know. I will actually walk out in these circumstances.
Here's the thing these chairpersons aren't considering: So what if nobody shares for a few minutes at a discussion meeting? When did silence become taboo? We shouldn't be afraid to sit in silence waiting for the next person to share. When there's a chairperson with enough courage to brave through the silence, then I'll use the opportunity to get a few minutes meditation in. Someone will eventually cave to the silence and volunteer a share.
Trudgin
Join Date: Jul 2014
Posts: 6,348
We share experience - strength and hope. At first we simply don't have much. Some sponsors encourage newcomers to simply pass on talking for awhile so they may absorb/listen without fear of talking.
Friends here speak of sharing from the heart - I was encouraged to keep in mind our 2nd tradition when we share = for our group purpose there is but ultimate authority. A loving God as he may express himself in our group conscious.
Typically I will meditate and pray silently that a God directs my thoughts and words - once we've done our third step it's on Him!!!!
I take time to read history of our fellowship - there's a ton of great stuff in old Grapevine articles available online. Check out language of the heart series by Bill W archived in. Grapevine maybe. It holds a treasure trove of message we should indeed carry to others !!!
Relax - enjoy the journey. We are so flippin hard on ourselves and judge ourselves so harshly. Give yourself a break !!!
Friends here speak of sharing from the heart - I was encouraged to keep in mind our 2nd tradition when we share = for our group purpose there is but ultimate authority. A loving God as he may express himself in our group conscious.
Typically I will meditate and pray silently that a God directs my thoughts and words - once we've done our third step it's on Him!!!!
I take time to read history of our fellowship - there's a ton of great stuff in old Grapevine articles available online. Check out language of the heart series by Bill W archived in. Grapevine maybe. It holds a treasure trove of message we should indeed carry to others !!!
Relax - enjoy the journey. We are so flippin hard on ourselves and judge ourselves so harshly. Give yourself a break !!!
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