I see myself 30 + years ago......
Trudgin
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2014
Posts: 6,348
I see myself 30 + years ago......
I really need some advice from those who have gone through this - I quit drinking almost 16 months ago. The wreckage of the past and my inability to have the skill set to deal with it has become problematic.
I have a 19 year old son and my crap has permeated his being it is becoming apparent. Two weeks ago he totaled a car, admitting having drank "a little" early in the evening. As he's underage here any BAC over .02 will land him in jail. The wreck did involve another vehicle, but no personal injuries. He did not get tested by cops and walked away.
I know he smokes and unsure about other things. Underachieving in college course work with high absenteeism and lives in our home still.
Simply, can others share how they addressed issues with adult(ish) children with a pervasive problem that the loved one is a clone of myself at that age!??!
It seems every time I attempt to parent it ends in confrontation and yelling. This morning 'we got into an argument and he called me a hypocrite, of course. I'm not doing anything you didn't do at my age!"
I replied perhaps, but that does not give you carte blanche to do whatever you want.........
ESH, please!!
Need some tools. I read a lot today in F&F, some amazing people there and some incredible sticky's.
Anybody been in these shoes...!?!
I have a 19 year old son and my crap has permeated his being it is becoming apparent. Two weeks ago he totaled a car, admitting having drank "a little" early in the evening. As he's underage here any BAC over .02 will land him in jail. The wreck did involve another vehicle, but no personal injuries. He did not get tested by cops and walked away.
I know he smokes and unsure about other things. Underachieving in college course work with high absenteeism and lives in our home still.
Simply, can others share how they addressed issues with adult(ish) children with a pervasive problem that the loved one is a clone of myself at that age!??!
It seems every time I attempt to parent it ends in confrontation and yelling. This morning 'we got into an argument and he called me a hypocrite, of course. I'm not doing anything you didn't do at my age!"
I replied perhaps, but that does not give you carte blanche to do whatever you want.........
ESH, please!!
Need some tools. I read a lot today in F&F, some amazing people there and some incredible sticky's.
Anybody been in these shoes...!?!
Member
Join Date: Mar 2015
Posts: 1,087
Visit to a hospital or homeless shelter where he can hear stories from people who are in rough shape due to their reckless lives?
Tough, as the prefrontal cortex in the brain doesn't fully develop until early 20s generally, and that part controls impulse control, decision making and forward planning.
Tough, as the prefrontal cortex in the brain doesn't fully develop until early 20s generally, and that part controls impulse control, decision making and forward planning.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 25,373
ugh. I don't have kids, but I just wanted to say I'm sorry you're dealing with this. I was also that 19 year old kid. You couldn't tell me much. By the grace of God I'm still alive many decades later, but I really shouldn't be. My mom put me out at 18. I stayed in school, but I was a trainwreck all the way through to my early thirties.
We're here. I'm no help, but I hope you find peace.
We're here. I'm no help, but I hope you find peace.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2014
Location: mountain states, Montana and Wyoming
Posts: 246
Fly,
My kids are younger and two of them are replicas of me. Both good and bad. When I try to parent them and I am obviously a hypocrite I tell them I want them to learn from my mistakes and experiences. I love them and want them not to suffer the pain I suffered from the experiences.
I also always tell them I don't want them to be like me, I want them to be better than me in every way.
Good luck
My kids are younger and two of them are replicas of me. Both good and bad. When I try to parent them and I am obviously a hypocrite I tell them I want them to learn from my mistakes and experiences. I love them and want them not to suffer the pain I suffered from the experiences.
I also always tell them I don't want them to be like me, I want them to be better than me in every way.
Good luck
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Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,473
Fly, it's understandable that you are worried about the situation your son is in. And, I'm sure there's lots of guilt involved too. Fortunately, my two kids are far smarter than I ever was. My advice would be to try to find a time and place where you and your son can have a quiet talk and hopefully not push each other's buttons. Express your concern, offer to help in any way, and continue to show him, by example, that you have changed your life.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: Gulf Coast, USA
Posts: 2,229
Sorry you're struggling with this Fly. My kids are 10 and 7 so I don't have a lot of hands on experience similar to your situation to share.
Just wanted to pop in and say congrats on 16 months. That's a great accomplishment, one that your family is benefiting from in the present.
Great job and best of luck with talking with your son.
Just wanted to pop in and say congrats on 16 months. That's a great accomplishment, one that your family is benefiting from in the present.
Great job and best of luck with talking with your son.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2014
Posts: 5,785
The thing is he is under your house and he needs to live under your rules. Once he gets his own place, if he wants to get drunk, that is his business. However, until he does get his own place, he should respect your rules. You can always give him the option of going elsewhere if he doesn't respect your rules. He is also under-age. Drinking is illegal for him.
That is how it was under my parent's roof. If I wanted to be there, I respected their rules.
That is how it was under my parent's roof. If I wanted to be there, I respected their rules.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2015
Posts: 132
Originally Posted by strategery 
The thing is he is under your house and he needs to live under your rules. Once he gets his own place, if he wants to get drunk, that is his business. However, until he does get his own place, he should respect your rules. You can always give him the option of going elsewhere if he doesn't respect your rules. He is also under-age. Drinking is illegal for him.
That is how it was under my parent's roof. If I wanted to be there, I respected their rules.
That is how it was under my parent's roof. If I wanted to be there, I respected their rules.
Do NOT let your guilt (because he reminds you of you) sway you. It doesn't matter what you did in the past, you control what happens under your roof. Plus, you have the added bonus of 16 months sober, which is fantastic. This can be brought up as a teaching moment (re: negative impacts, regrets, lost opportunity, etc) if he really wants to debate the subject (I'm sure he doesn't)
Your past drinking and his illegal drinking are two separate subjects.
I could see peace instead of this
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Canada, eh
Posts: 2,360
At 21, I didn't do anything about my drinking and irresponsible behaviour until I hurt enough. At that time, I had nowhere left to go; even my family didn't want me around. I'd lost my job and ended up living with a solvent sniffer who would hit me if I irritated him. It was pretty awful but at the same time, no one could talk to me about my drinking or what I was doing. I wouldn't listen.
If anyone had come to my rescue, I don't think I would have been motivated to stop when I did. A former partner had straightened himself out before me and told me to call if I ever wanted to sober up. After three months in that situation, I hit my bottom and remembered everything people had been trying to tell me. It was my sick and tired of being sick and tired moment. I made the call and my friend took me to detox. That was the only kind of rescue I needed.
If anyone had come to my rescue, I don't think I would have been motivated to stop when I did. A former partner had straightened himself out before me and told me to call if I ever wanted to sober up. After three months in that situation, I hit my bottom and remembered everything people had been trying to tell me. It was my sick and tired of being sick and tired moment. I made the call and my friend took me to detox. That was the only kind of rescue I needed.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,373
I'm sorry to read this. I'm not a parent, but I feel for you.
I really agree with Anna - this needs communication, a real discussion, not reactive outbursts.
I think Strat and Tracy are spot on too- you're not a hypocrite - you've gotten out of a deep hole.
I also agree with 'your house, your rules'.
Prayers and best wishes for your boy - and for you FlyNBuy
D
I really agree with Anna - this needs communication, a real discussion, not reactive outbursts.
I think Strat and Tracy are spot on too- you're not a hypocrite - you've gotten out of a deep hole.
I also agree with 'your house, your rules'.
Prayers and best wishes for your boy - and for you FlyNBuy
D
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Ireland
Posts: 25,826
I'm not a parent either Fly, but the house rules principle sounds like a good one!! 
There's a sinking part of me though that knows what it's like to look in from the outside on another person's drinking habits, it can be a very lonely and frustrating place.
But know you're definitely not alone in this, you've got all of our support!!
There's a sinking part of me though that knows what it's like to look in from the outside on another person's drinking habits, it can be a very lonely and frustrating place.
But know you're definitely not alone in this, you've got all of our support!!
Member
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: US
Posts: 5,095
Hi there
You've received some really good input. I think many of us with kids, who have been touched by our addiction, understand the blinding guilt and emotion when dealing with our own children. My own child is 14 and so far I'm grateful that she is much more grounded than I ever was.
I can share the situation with my late hubs kids. He was a man that needed to be needed, desperately. If that meant enabling his first wife (alcoholic) and indulging his kids to the point of recklessness, so be it. He was also riddled with guilt for leaving his wife, who was a nightmare. His two oldest kids were spoiled, entitled, manipulative and I believe both future addicts. They pushed every guilt button, blame button, hurt button to get money from him. I even found out, after he died, that his son sold him a car (he loved classics and restored them) that he actually stole. I found this out while researching the VIN to find out why there was no title. Had to give the car back....that had had 15k put in it. He enabled me to basically keep me controllable (not blaming him, my actions were my choice). I received info for his daughters 4th DUI after his death. Anyway, my guess is these kids were forced to change after his death because there was no one else to fall back on. Btw these kids were 23 & 26 at the time. He wanted to be loved more than he wanted to make the tough choices. It tore my heart out to hear him on the phone with his son, telling him to F off, give him more money or he'd never talk to him again....that was three days before he died. Ok, sorry, got that off my chest. He needed to enforce boundaries and rules or he would cut them off.
Guilt is a wicked weapon. Wow tmi....sorry for that.
You've received some really good input. I think many of us with kids, who have been touched by our addiction, understand the blinding guilt and emotion when dealing with our own children. My own child is 14 and so far I'm grateful that she is much more grounded than I ever was.
I can share the situation with my late hubs kids. He was a man that needed to be needed, desperately. If that meant enabling his first wife (alcoholic) and indulging his kids to the point of recklessness, so be it. He was also riddled with guilt for leaving his wife, who was a nightmare. His two oldest kids were spoiled, entitled, manipulative and I believe both future addicts. They pushed every guilt button, blame button, hurt button to get money from him. I even found out, after he died, that his son sold him a car (he loved classics and restored them) that he actually stole. I found this out while researching the VIN to find out why there was no title. Had to give the car back....that had had 15k put in it. He enabled me to basically keep me controllable (not blaming him, my actions were my choice). I received info for his daughters 4th DUI after his death. Anyway, my guess is these kids were forced to change after his death because there was no one else to fall back on. Btw these kids were 23 & 26 at the time. He wanted to be loved more than he wanted to make the tough choices. It tore my heart out to hear him on the phone with his son, telling him to F off, give him more money or he'd never talk to him again....that was three days before he died. Ok, sorry, got that off my chest. He needed to enforce boundaries and rules or he would cut them off.
Guilt is a wicked weapon. Wow tmi....sorry for that.
Trudgin
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2014
Posts: 6,348
I appreciate all friends heartfelt insight, thank you. He knows I love him and want him to productive, living with joy and direction in his life. I think he is at that age of between full fledged adulthood and not far removed from high school. A recent suicide in our community involving a young man his age also make me guarded about and attitude of my way or the highway. It's all theory until implemented and my gut is to be as understanding as possible for now.
I have two older daughters who are happy in life with careers, family and a sense of fulfillment. It wasn't that long ago that one of them mimicked some of the same behaviors as my son.
Suggestions about expressing concern and continuing to lead by example in recovery resonate and sound right for his temperament. And as another friend pointed out the maturation of judgement center - totally agree, it does indeed take time.
We all know there is not a miracle answer - but having support from friends here is very, very important.
Thank you all - I am deeply touched
I have two older daughters who are happy in life with careers, family and a sense of fulfillment. It wasn't that long ago that one of them mimicked some of the same behaviors as my son.
Suggestions about expressing concern and continuing to lead by example in recovery resonate and sound right for his temperament. And as another friend pointed out the maturation of judgement center - totally agree, it does indeed take time.
We all know there is not a miracle answer - but having support from friends here is very, very important.
Thank you all - I am deeply touched
Member
Join Date: Jan 2014
Location: Deep in the heart of Texas
Posts: 1,736
I appreciate this conversation so much. I have a 14 & 11 year old so I'm not a lot of help. I will reflect back on this thread if & when my time comes so if nothing else, this has helped me.
Thank you for the thread, Fly.
Thank you for the thread, Fly.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2014
Location: The Northland
Posts: 600
"My way or the highway" had me on a solo journey much too early in my life, and the choices I made from that place still resonate and not all for the best. My children are every bit as stubborn as I am so I went the track of talk talk talk as much as they'd bear.
My son now 35 was the more difficult, very contrarian, if I said black, he said white. One day after 15 minutes or so of this kind of nasty exchange, out of exasperation more than anything, I turned to him and looked him in the eye and said I am your mother, no one else will ever love you as much as I do so I don't understand why you are so mean to me.
And then I went on with whatever I was doing. He must have thought about that for a while, because that ended it, once and for all.
My point is, your son is 19, he's trying things out and trying to grow up. Your love, support, kindness, conversation, modeling healthy adult male behavior, sharing your past, your struggles, etc., will go a lot further toward helping him become an adult than anger and strict rules.
My son now 35 was the more difficult, very contrarian, if I said black, he said white. One day after 15 minutes or so of this kind of nasty exchange, out of exasperation more than anything, I turned to him and looked him in the eye and said I am your mother, no one else will ever love you as much as I do so I don't understand why you are so mean to me.
And then I went on with whatever I was doing. He must have thought about that for a while, because that ended it, once and for all.
My point is, your son is 19, he's trying things out and trying to grow up. Your love, support, kindness, conversation, modeling healthy adult male behavior, sharing your past, your struggles, etc., will go a lot further toward helping him become an adult than anger and strict rules.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2014
Posts: 5,785
I needed rules growing up. If my parents would have let me do whatever I wanted, I would have made poor choices. While I didn't always appreciate their rules, by them having these rules, it helped me make good choices. While my choices got screwed up when I was out of their house, their rules protected me.
If your son is caught for drinking under age, it could have significant career and legal ramifications.
If your son is caught for drinking under age, it could have significant career and legal ramifications.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: Georgia
Posts: 3,062
I know that my son (turning 19 in a few months) smokes pot; puts me over the moon frankly, but I know that the only thing I can do is pass on my nuggets of wisdom and let him know that it is something that I don't approve of. To date he has excelled academically and has a strong work ethic. I continue to be honest with him about my addiction and continue to remind him that there are genetic tendencies. My partner's daughter is an active heroin addict so my perspective is a little off.....in comparing the two I think too much some times "at least he isn't doing what she is doing". Addiction is addiction and it doesn't matter what the drug of choice is. Thank you for sharing and it is good to know there are many other people in the same boat
Trudgin
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2014
Posts: 6,348
Originally Posted by BernieE
"My way or the highway" had me on a solo journey much too early in my life, and the choices I made from that place still resonate and not all for the best. My children are every bit as stubborn as I am so I went the track of talk talk talk as much as they'd bear.
Yes!
My son now 35 was the more difficult, very contrarian, if I said black, he said white. One day after 15 minutes or so of this kind of nasty exchange, out of exasperation more than anything, I turned to him and looked him in the eye and said I am your mother, no one else will ever love you as much as I do so I don't understand why you are so mean to me.
Beautiful, truth - well struck.
And then I went on with whatever I was doing. He must have thought about that for a while, because that ended it, once and for all.
My point is, your son is 19, he's trying things out and trying to grow up. Your love, support, kindness, conversation, modeling healthy adult male behavior, sharing your past, your struggles, etc., will go a lot further toward helping him become an adult than anger and strict rules.
Yes!
My son now 35 was the more difficult, very contrarian, if I said black, he said white. One day after 15 minutes or so of this kind of nasty exchange, out of exasperation more than anything, I turned to him and looked him in the eye and said I am your mother, no one else will ever love you as much as I do so I don't understand why you are so mean to me.
Beautiful, truth - well struck.
And then I went on with whatever I was doing. He must have thought about that for a while, because that ended it, once and for all.
My point is, your son is 19, he's trying things out and trying to grow up. Your love, support, kindness, conversation, modeling healthy adult male behavior, sharing your past, your struggles, etc., will go a lot further toward helping him become an adult than anger and strict rules.
Originally Posted by strategery
I needed rules growing up. If my parents would have let me do whatever I wanted, I would have made poor choices. While I didn't always appreciate their rules, by them having these rules, it helped me make good choices. While my choices got screwed up when I was out of their house, their rules protected me.
If your son is caught for drinking under age, it could have significant career and legal ramifications.
If your son is caught for drinking under age, it could have significant career and legal ramifications.
Originally Posted by soberclover
I know that my son (turning 19 in a few months) smokes pot; puts me over the moon frankly, but I know that the only thing I can do is pass on my nuggets of wisdom and let him know that it is something that I don't approve of. To date he has excelled academically and has a strong work ethic. I continue to be honest with him about my addiction and continue to remind him that there are genetic tendencies. My partner's daughter is an active heroin addict so my perspective is a little off.....in comparing the two I think too much some times "at least he isn't doing what she is doing". Addiction is addiction and it doesn't matter what the drug of choice is. Thank you for sharing and it is good to know there are many other people in the same boat
At this point seeing is believing. If he continues to witness how sobriety can work in my life and others then maybe he has a template to live by........only time will tell. Academically my son is a high achiever - the IQ is there.
Thanks to everyone who viewed this thread and those who replied. I think my wife and I will try some family counselling and maybe gain some non confrontational dialogue tools.
We all need to be accountable to someone - especially ourselves, but through the lens of "milk of human kindness" I believe in all things.
Fly
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